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Farming Sim: Summer

How do I know God isn’t a mere mortal man? Well, he tells me what the weather will be next month. I doubt anyone can really do that accurately. Not on Earth itself. If they could, they would know we are fucked, in a word.

My current farm of choice to derp on in Stardew Valley.

I dunno what possessed me to make this farm. Oh, wait. I do. His name is NICK. He’s completely boy crazy. He makes me completely crazy, boy. He wants a random stranger I’ve never even met to be the reason he can’t get the girl(tm). Not, you know, his own inability to communicate.

He told me yesterday he was an authority on autism and I’m not autistic because I’m “too eloquent with my words.” Excuse me? I’ve watched Love on the Spectrum. My favorite one (who reminds me of me) is Kassandra Nieass, the lovely young woman who is both eloquent and fond of costuming. Birds of a feather and all that.

I find each and every person in that show darling, I’ll just put that out here. Although, the one that is the animator obsessed with animation is annoying to me because she is projecting her issues onto Solomon, her first love. She cannot handle her liquor at all and tries to blame him for it. She lost control and it was “his fault.” Screw you, girl. I’d take a man who wrote me a poem on my first date (though I also have some constructive feedback, Solly!) ❤ ❤ ❤

Selenium Forst by Plini on Spotify.

Btw, Ms. Nieass, the reason that dude made you have a panic attack is he wouldn’t look you in the eyes at all. He avoided eye contact with you completely. Instead of seeing the courtship dance in your dialogue, he continued to speak only of his own interests, which were very narrow in scope. You were wise to call the date, though you shouldn’t let yourself get to the point of a nervous breakdown, girl. You got this.

Sir Deli Man’s Farm (“Wegmans”)

I made a mistake planting my summer farm. Normally, I’d leave a row between the items on trellises. Depicted above, I have 20 hops on trellises. 20 corn. 5 blueberries, 5 tomato, 10 hot peppers, 10 radishes, 3 sunflowers, 7 melons. I thought about expanding it further, but then I’d have no time to fish!

Fishing in this game is the most realistic I’ve had. I fish and craft in just about every game I try. Torchlight I & II has it, Minecraft has it, Valheim, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Lots of games added it as an afterthought, but none of them are actually like fishing. Except Stardew Valley.

I know, I just looked up what games have fishing. I haven’t played Skyrim. (I probably would if I had a working PlayStation setup.) I hear it’s a good game; in fact, that fucker… Nick? Loves it. He used to play it all the time in 2012. Play that and talk to me sporadically. He told me once I took his attention away from it. I called that flirting.

I’m pretty sure Loong had fishing, too, actually. I played the crap out of that game for a while back in the 2012 range of time. Maybe it was 2010. A free Korean grinder, I think… with a PvP aspect. It was fun until it got oversaturated with dickheads. Now, to keep players, you can turn PvP off entirely. I don’t really like that option, but there are assholes who hang around town just to attack people who are set to PvP enabled. Not each other, mind you. Just anyone who dares to login to PvP, who might not be the top level. Dicks.

I played RF Online, too, but that doesn’t have fishing. (It’s another Korean grinder PvP game.) Not to mention Exteel, which had glorious aerial combat as mecha. I’ve played Halo and Borderlands and all kinds of games that are PvP-centric. There are two types of PvPers: the ones who want a challenge and a fair fight and those who are just angry they have micro-peens.

I’ve played a lot of MMOs over the years. Maple Story, as well. I played a thief named Clairabelle. I particularly love that name, despite knowing Clairabelle Cow is a Disney character. I created that name from scratch, thank you. Just because it’s a real name doesn’t mean I cannot have come up with it independently. God tells me I met pony tail on Maple Story. That we exchanged words about double stab vs. some derpy skill I can’t remember the name of. The more reliable DPS was not the one you’d think it was. I did the math three times.

I played City of Heroes, too. God tells me that dickhead tried to finish MY Freakshow mish. How dare you, Sir Deli Man? I demand a Halo PvP match to settle the score! You jerk. If I couldn’t have teleported you outta my mish, you woulda finished it. He says you just wanted to know how you’d do against the boss. Even so… RESPECT. Have some. Aretha knows all about it.

Oh, but our overlaps aren’t done yet. No, no. Syntara. Crystak. Spike. Azusa. Demetrius. I don’t even know who Demetrius is, but God says it’s pony tail.

It makes me wonder where else we’ve overlapped, because I bet the synchronicity does not end there. I bet there are other ways we met indirectly. I also bet he thought I was a dude most of the time. Most people do. I really don’t get it. I mean, other than I think gender norms are stupid. I mean, what about me screams “I’m a man!”?

I wouldn’t think anything cuz I’m not a man.

Maybe it’s my cool. My calm. My word choices. My acumen with gaming and kicking ass. My balls of steel, as a friend told me once after working with me at the office.

I wonder if we met on WoW in the brief period of time I played an orc, I think it was. I made me one sexy orc, lemme tell you. I don’t remember her name at all, nor do I give a shit about WoW because honestly… it’s not a very good game. (Hides under a rock to avoid the hail of arrows from avid fans everywhere.) I’m sorry my opinion doesn’t match yours, o internet trolls. That’s all the sorry I’ve got. If it was the right game for everyone, there’d be no other games.

I’ll tell you now, there are tons of games I have not played. I have this problem… maybe you can empathize with me, Sir Deli Man, wherever thou art. The problem is that people talk a game up like it’s the most epic thing ever and then whenever I take the controller and give it a shot, I’m disappointed. I expected THE BEST GAME EVER!!!!! Why do they do this to me? To the game they’re playing? (Or even the show they’re watching?) I’ve learned to avoid hyped up shit because it’s just hype. There’s nothing ultimately epic about it, sadly. It’s just another game or show dressed up in some new apparel, the same as everything else I’ve ever tried except a new skin on it.

I bet nobody believes me. Waaaa! Crystal said our entertainment is old and tarnished, not new. She knows all the fucking tropes in the world, bro! They’re used everywhere. I do get surprised from time to time, but it’s not often. Usually it’s the middle of the story that impresses me because I can guess the end within ten minutes, most of the time. I don’t try to, mind you. Whenever I’m fairly certain my prediction is correct (unless told otherwise), I announce it the moment I have it. And then I watch and watch and, sure enough, most of the time I’m right.

How can she do that?! You know, Nick asked me. He said, “I’m telepathic and I still don’t know the end before we get there.” My dad? He says to me, “You’ve watched too many Asian films, that’s how you do it.” Too bad it’s not only for Asian films. No, no.

He actually said that about a Marvel movie, not an Asian movie. I guess he doesn’t realize Marvel is American as can be. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. The only surprise to me was that they started fighting on the bus, honestly. Oh, and I really liked the map part. (I don’t wanna spoil it!)

I can’t write anymore without spoiling it for a reader, so I’ll have to leave that there, but suffice it to say that the ending is similar enough to a different movie, I knew it instantly. ^-^

I just realized I forgot to plant my mixed seeds this summer. DAMN! I have ten. Sir Deli Man’s farm is one of those monster farms and the mandrake-type guys keep dropping seeds for me. I especially loved spring, when I got 7 free rice plants. Profitable, in a word. I saved those suckers for the mill, which I know is quite a ways away. I save things, it’s what I do. In fact, I have a 4 year farm. I sold all the gold and silver star everything for fun and netted over 150k gold. I think I even got an achievement doing that crap. That was fun.

I thought about supporting Joja Mart in this game. I still could, but… corporations are evil, y’all. Especially Amazon. God woke me up to that shit, especially when I went and bought a CD player. The same exact CD player I bought at Target for $30.00 was $60.00 on Amazon. WOWZA. I cannot afford to throw $30.00 away on a CD player. How can they even justify that shit? It’s unethical. They’re baking in that “free shipping” to make bank. For what? To send a fucking pedophile to the moon?

I guess sin does pay.

Now, of course, my brain has gone off to Sin City. I wonder if I should make a video game like that. Or a video game simulating color blindness so us normies can see what it’s like. I remember in tech school, one of my classmates confessed he was red/green colorblind, and being a naive asshole, I asked him what the cover of our book looked like to him, if he knew the color difference. He’d adapted to know the difference, even though it’s minimal in his colorblind world. I still feel like an asshole for asking him, though. (Sorry, dude. Save the bees! I’m counting on you!)

I do have a video game in me. If we survive this conundrum humanity has created. The one where we might die off because we killed so many of God’s creatures for our own “survival.” Read that as: genocide to make room for shitty people who do shitty things so that greedy fuckers can suck us dry as slaves.

Modern day slavery. It’s called minimum wage. It’s also called: salaried. Congratulations! You lose the rat race!

Moving on… the bees, my man. THE BEES. They’re dying. :[

I’m dying, too. I can empathize with them as they get sick and keel over. Except God won’t let me keel over. Instead, I’m his mouth piece to save the fucking world. From YOU. And you. and you over there. And that one. And this one.

I wish I was allowed to die. I’ve begged him countless times now. I also was caught up in suicidal thoughts for a year, thanks to Nicky Boy. (I’ve stolen at least half of his soul by now, I think, so don’t be too mad at him. I’m taking care of it in my own way.) Still, God is displeased. I totes want to die. I wish I was a bee so I could.

There’s nothing left to live for. I’ve accomplished all my goals except for one: finding a worthwhile mate. It’s not gonna happen. Not even “Sir Deli Man” is that man, sadly. He’s just a void I can project myself onto and hope to find love from one day. But it’s just a myth I’ve created in my head, just like Mr. Forsythe, the “authority” of all things.

I asked him if he thought his cat Merlin could be the reincarnation of Merlin from King Arthur’s court. He has no answer, by the way, because obviously King Arthur’s court never existed. (FALSE! All legends come from a seed of truth. And yes, his cat is the reincarnation of that sorcerer. Just like my cat is the reincarnation of Shakespeare.)

INSANITY! Probably… but is it hurting anyone to say these felines are humans reincarnated? God told me Mr. Shakespeare wanted to feel unconditional love and that’s why he made him a cat. My cat. He’s dying very soon, sadly, but I know it’s going to be okay. He’ll float around me in spirit form for the rest of my life, just like the millions of dead animals that already follow me everywhere I go. Snow White. I know her role, now.

I have two backup cats, including a Menchi. (Excel Saga ftw!)

Okay, I won’t really eat her, but she sings like that dog does. She’s real cute. Sometimes. Sometimes, she’s a real jerk. Today, I am the devil and deserve zero fucks, so I haven’t seen her at all. In other words, she’s comfortable and happy without me. I’m okay with that. ❤

I hear Sir Deli Man has a rambunctious dog of the pit bull variety. Brindle, specifically, and about four years old. My cats hate dogs who put their noses up their asses. I should know. I had a lovely black pit bull mix for several years. I named him Max. (Maximilian Brofist, specifically.) (Thanks, Fayle, for that idea.)

You see, I figured Max had a bit of a complex. All three cats had names starting with “B.” So we added the Brofist so he wouldn’t feel left out. He was euthanized recently and now lies on my bed, scaring my cats away most of the time, even though he’s just a pupper spirit. I had given him up to a larger, more active family because I am too sedentary to keep him happy. He was pretty happy for a while, until grandma started feeding him waffles. (L’eggo my Diego!)

Speaking of waffles… I’m hungry now. Bye!

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