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New Year, New You
“Let’s have a coffee chat,” God suggests. Crystal screams, “NO! You bastard! I have something much more important to write.” It’s a great time to make some resolutions to be a better person. I think the majority of Americans are making a resolution to lose weight right now, and they will shame themselves in about […]
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I am the Code Cracker.
Reality is written in code. She gives you a moment to process your Matrix “whoa.” Everything — absolutely everything — revolves around unwritten rules. Before we knew what to call Gravity, we interacted with it every day. In fact, it’s friend in chief is Entropy, which we can observe as a small child tears a […]
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Cinnamon toast
I regret not hitting up the grocery store at the 11th hour. (Literally, it was 11:00 in the evening and I thought about taking a trip for a few sundries, but God assured me that tomorrow is a better day. A day where some deli men will be looking around, I guess. As if I […]
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Silver Fox/Tattooed Dragon Man
Good evening, dear sir. I first laid eyes upon you a few months ago in the food court of the mall. I had just walked in from the outdoors, as it were, and I stood still for no reason at all other than God telling me to. That’s when you walked past me, probably exiting […]
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Farming Sim: Summer
How do I know God isn’t a mere mortal man? Well, he tells me what the weather will be next month. I doubt anyone can really do that accurately. Not on Earth itself. If they could, they would know we are fucked, in a word. I dunno what possessed me to make this farm. Oh, […]
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Bee Happy
I’ve been eating honey here and there lately, hoping it would cure any ulcers I’ve obtained. I have some, and it does help. I thank the bees every time I squirt some of my raw honey onto food or into a drink. I like them best over nuts, especially since Cheerios are cross-contaminated with cocoa, […]