French Kissing.

There really aren’t too many kinds of kissing, when one really thinks about it. But we have a ton of words for it, wouldn’t you know?

Smooch. Peck. Smackeroo. Snog. Necking. Air-kiss. Blow a kiss. Butterfly kiss. Eskimo kiss. Osculate or osculum — “little mouth.” A quick kiss. A tap kiss. A nose kiss. A forehead kiss. A single lip kiss. Kiss on the cheek. Ear kisses. Cyssan — to touch with the lips. Elephant kisses… wait, we should stick to the human species, I think.

But let’s not forget the most romantic — kissing the back of a woman’s hand.

Most will argue with me. That’s not the most romantic kiss you can have. I disagree. Your eyes meet over a short distance, normally he has bent over and is holding your hand, and then — if he knows what he’s doing — he places his lips ever so gently on the back of your hand for as long as he likes. The moment lasts long enough to sear into memory, there’s eye contact, and of course, attraction is expressed.

French kissing is almost a tie, I would think. Keep in mind, this is not even my opinion. It’s yours. You close your eyes to increase the sensation, to show trust, et cetera. And a lot of you do it so you can pretend it’s one part of Brangelina on the other end. You’re not kissing the magnificent Stacy, Stuart, or Stella. It’s Angelina Jolie! It’s Brad Pitt! It’s X footballer! It’s never Santa Claus.

I don’t know why not! He’s a really cool dude. He works so hard, he loves kids, he’s not a pedophile, he sacrifices for the happiness of others. He makes it his life mission to put smiles on the faces of many people. He’s also a myth these days, but I’ll send you back to my original position: WATCH “SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE.” It is NOT the one you think it is unless you’re thinking exploding candy canes.

Anyway… how dare you kiss people and pretend they aren’t the actual, factual awesome possum in front of you. You do and I know you do. God knows everything.

I’m contemplating a very simple solution to all of these problems: forcing fornicators to shout or cry or scream the name of the person they’re fucking in their head when they cum. If it’s not the person who is with them, trouble will brew… but only if you ladies (mostly, you ladies, and the few gentlemen who are being wronged) stand up for yourselves and just walk out forever.

You have to realize that this is what’s happening to want to do it, don’t you? You have to understand that they are being compelled to say the name of who they are really passionate about. 99% of all couples would be broken up over night.

It’s not a typo or an exaggeration. It’s not hyperbole.

It’s a lack of trying. It’s a lack of attachment. It’s a lack of attraction.

It’s children you don’t want (or need.) It’s bills you don’t want (or need.) It’s cluttery crap everywhere. It’s lack of thought police. It’s lack of belief in me, Sir God, as Crystal calls me. That one tickles me pink, you see. I get to be a knight in shining armor! How romantic, don’t you think?

Because you systematically rape each other due to “settling” in order to fornicate, you’re all miserable as all get out. Every time you go to bed with your partner, daydreaming of someone else, it’s rape. They know it’s not right because they aren’t on the same page as you. It lasts either too long or it’s way too short. The man finishes but not the lady and the man doesn’t do anything to help the lady finish, either. That one is a huge problem. You can’t just get yourself there and avoid doing the duty of taking your wife there. (If you’re sleeping together, I count you all husband and wife de facto. I don’t give a shit about your cultural rules and your white man paperwork, a’right?)

If you take a woman to bed, fuck her until you cum, and stop, why did you bother doing anything with a partner instead of your own hand?

Ladies, you know why you take men to bed. They feel better than prosthetic options. That’s about it, isn’t it? Or is there a romantic component for you? Maybe you like the way they look at you, but they only look at you like that when you put on sexy lingerie and get down on all fours. Rape. They don’t actually like you, they like that you whored yourself out for them. They like that you serve them without question.

Real men don’t need a woman to dress in something frilly to get aroused and put a smile on her face. They don’t even need the woman to be naked and begging, although that can be a byproduct of some kinky bedroom play. Real men want the woman they have, not an illusion they cannot have. They love their woman, sans makeup, sans frill, sans girly colors. They just love the actual woman. They wait for ages for a woman who makes their blood boil and then pursue her and only her until they know the answer over whether or not the lady would be their Valentine.

But here’s the kicker, my friends! Women are taught to spit on men who outright tell them they’re super hot in their eyes. They are taught to “do better.” To have criteria for who they can and cannot date. Money. Classical handsome good looks to match their own classical beauty. Rape — unfortunately. Controlling, because that’s real love, you know? Possessiveness without consent. Forcing one’s way into your life rather than knocking gently upon one’s chamber door and asking permission.

Gentlemen, in a word, are looked down upon. Their lack of desire to crush and crash through all one’s boundaries means a lack of desire for the lady. This is a misconception, obviously. But worse, if they are open about their desires, they’re also undesirable to the woman. So they have to be some coercive middle ground to get with a lady, or so it would seem.

That is, until you meet a rational woman. A woman who sees control as a lack of love and instead a form of hatred. A woman who thinks that a man kissing the back of her hand with the same qualities he will express in the bedroom is sexier and more charming than a Brad Pitt. As nice as it is to look at a man who has extremely symmetrical features within the golden ratio — this is what beauty boils down to, by the way — they generally do not have a personality that matches this external attractiveness.

A rational woman would decide to understand that not everyone wins the genetic lottery. They cannot. It’s impossible. Secondarily, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Therefore, every single being is beautiful to someone. Third, if you love the flaws of a man or woman, then you love all of them unconditionally. This one, the rational woman learned from some crazy movie with drug dealers in it. “I loved her for her flaws…”

Another good thing to consider rationally is that we can and should cultivate ourselves to possess traits we admire in others. It takes a very long time to delete or add new behaviors and habits that support this kind of change. This is the kind of work you will never see on the outside of a person. This is the kind of work they talk about when they are saying beauty is only skin deep. This is the kind of thing that does erode with gravity and time. It will not wrinkle, it will not become depleted, it will not change unless the person undergoes enough trauma to fundamentally change their personality.

There are things we cannot cultivate, such as symmetry of facial features or height. However, we can cultivate all the virtues and delete greed over time. (For, all the sins are simply extreme expressions of a kind of greed — greed for beauty, greed for money, greed for food, greed for sex, greed for laziness, greed for hatred and/or anger, greed for attention.) We can instead embrace charity, truth, justice, patience, temperance, gratitude, humility, diligence, balance, self-control, hope, kindness, practicality, fortitude, mercy, trustworthiness, tenacity, responsibility, selflessness, wholesomeness, dignity, grace, humor, spiritual authority, perseverance, courage, discipline, joy, valor, excellence, character, nobility, love, supporting self and others, faithfulness (in relationships), integrity, inner strength, elegance, loyalty, authenticity, resilience, truthfulness, straightforwardness, and so on.

“I went to Messenger of God and he asked me: “Have you come to inquire about virtue?” I replied in the affirmative. Then he said: “Ask your heart regarding it. Virtue is that which contents the soul and comforts the heart, and sin is that which causes doubts and perturbs the heart, even if people pronounce it lawful and give you verdicts on such matters again and again.” (From the Qu’ran.)

From Hinduism, “virtue and vice do not go about saying – here we are!; neither the Gods, Gandharvas, nor ancestors can convince us – this is right, this is wrong; virtue is an elusive concept, it demands careful and sustained reflection by every man and woman before it can become part of one’s life.” (From the Dharma Sutra and the interpretation by Apastamba.)

This is what makes a person attractive. Curating these qualities, understand one’s self, knowing one’s purpose, knowing one’s place — so to speak. Not social standing, but cosmic standing. We are but blood cells to the Universe. We are cancerous ones, at that, spoiling everything we touch and populating out of control.

Unfortunately, you have no guarantee what kind of package houses a great man. It’s not going to fit into a fornicator’s daydream very neatly, and if it does, you should count every lucky star you can find for the illusion you are feeding yourself to stay as sane as possible in this world full of rape. (In other words, you’re deluding yourself to continue to be okay with being raped. Congratulations on being part of the default human condition. Who knew fornicating would be the status quo in the 21st century amidst all this advanced thought, all this free learning, all this information at your very fingertips? You have all that it takes to educate yourself and decide how to be a good person, but you will never do it, let alone demand for a mate who is also a good person by choice.)

The rational woman demands a gentleman who is devoted to her and her alone. He has stars in his eyes, a gleam you can’t get rid of, the very moment he mentions the light of his life: his woman. A man who understands that a good woman is hard to find. It shouldn’t be so hard to find one, though, should it? If all people were good people to begin with, then this fornication thing would just work out, wouldn’t it?

The problem is that handsome and beautiful people are spoiled for far too long. They are given everything they want and desire, making them so self-assured that they never question their lack of virtue. It leads them to the path of sin; they are not exactly greedy when it begins, but they become that way. Once their beauty is gone, however, they will see the world the way the rest of us see the world: what is more than skin-deep. The important things in life, such as how one treats another human being.

Handsome and beautiful people fall into this rut where they perceive themselves as superior to those who are less fortunate in regards to the genetic lottery. They treat those who are not as symmetrical in nature as if they are a scourge to the face of the planet. They treat other people with the shame they should hold for themselves and examine closely: they have sold out long ago, accepting all the bribes and hand-outs without question. They have been whores since the beginning, trained to flaunt every bit of what they’ve got so that all the men who see them can vie for them. They entice the good people, trying to force them to fall into the trenches carved out around the whore they have become. They try to force whoredom onto others, having accepted it all their lives. Then they complain about it, too.

“Oh my god, that guy over there dared to tell me that I’m bangably hot! I can’t stand it!” she declared disdainfully as she re-adjusted her bra for the tenth time, calling attention to her bouncing tits shamelessly, not to mention the skin-tight everything that allows you to imagine her naked in bed without so much as a second thought. Then that same woman will bounce through the store, messing up that ill-fitting bra again and again, just to turn the heads of all the fornicators she can so she can feel good about her whoredom. “Sixty men salivated over me today! I can feel like a pro now. I can rest assured that my daily makeup was flawless. I know my skin tight clothes left nothing to the imagination whatsoever, in fact the distressed rips up the thighs really got their attention today! And my hair is an absolute masterpiece! AND I GOT TO SHOW THEM ALL HOW THEY DON’T DESERVE THIS! Just the rapist I take to bed every night.”

A rational woman understands that she should only show off to her loving husband in private. A rational woman understands that the attractive components are for her lover alone. She treats her bond with her man like a covenant, worshiping the relationship she willingly agrees to, just as he does. She waits for a man who tells her she is the only woman for him, taking her to the altar with a calm grace and absolute poise. There are no cold feet, no second guessing, nothing. They know each other inside and out and understand what they’ve agreed to.

A rational woman who does not do online dating — especially around Valentine’s day — is a lonely woman, waiting for such a man. A real man. A rational man who finds her lovely enough to never fantasize about another being whatsoever. A man who will do what it takes to communicate himself. A man who will stand up for what he believes in. A man who could be swayed to think that kissing the back of her hand is sexier than a French kiss.