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Tyr, God of War

Also known as Ares. And so many other names, woo hoo! He’s one of my younger brother’s favorite deities. He also loves Thor. Thor don’t love him back, sadly.

Thor is an aspect of Odin. So is Loki.

Oh, you didn’t know that?

I’m going to fucking murder my father. I’m telling you all that now. Just send me to jail, thought police. [Minority Report] I want him to be a Borderlands 3 sprite that I can kill over and over and over again. Does anyone make mods? Can you help a girl out? He will not leave me alone to fucking write to you guys! It’s really pissing me off that he’s interfering with my new job as entertainer.

I mean, how am I doing?

I slept pretty well on that Purple mattress, y’all. My hips don’t hurt as much but my right shoulder is really pissed off. What? You want to know more about Odin? My train of thought derailed, let me try to get it back. That’s why I want to murder that man, you see. He came in here asking me how much my shit is worth, so I fucked with him and I said 100k. He gave me some stupid fucking story about how he would insure it.

He’s a liar. God told me so. He’s nosy. He wants to take pictures of my things and put them on the internet. He just wants to scream, ‘I’m a target!’ It’s paint, y’all. I have so many paints. Oil points, acrylic paints. Oil paints are really expensive. You should know that… but if you’re not a painter, you don’t care. I can see this audience is mostly… gamer boys. Hi, how’s it going?

Sir Deli Man isn’t reading yet. I know that for sure. It’s okay, I’m a little angry at him for the moment. We wasted a lot of money on stupid things. Money I’ll never get back unless I can really do my job as entertainer.

You know, I always wanted to be a comedian. (Hold your horses, the train is coming back, I’m just talking while I wait for it. Odin says you have to respect the woman who is weaving your tale, son.) I thought for a while when I was a teenager I could be funny enough to make people laugh. Lots of people. All kinds of people. And I can… but the problem is… I’m shy.

I get stage fright. I get performance anxiety. And then I fuck up because those two things are self-sabotage.

[The Cure — Lovesong]

There are three aspects to the Allfather. Their names are Odin, Thor, and Loki. Loki is the inner gremlin of God. (What? You didn’t see that coming? The Allfather is God? Didn’t you watch The Godfather? He says it’s kinda like that. I’ve never seen it. Maybe you can enlighten me.)

I love Loki. He and I have been birds of a feather for all eternity. That is to say, my entire life. I am human, after all. And I know for a fact I only have one head even though plenty of people look at me like I’ve got two. I don’t get it. Stop looking at me like that. I only have one. I didn’t get greedy. I’ve got what everyone has got.

Except maybe coffee. Do you need coffee? Come on over. I’ve got coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. Please excuse me for being a literal mess. I’m a bit disabled, you know. But hey, you guys, I got the cat litter done no problem today! I just can’t lift anything at all. I learned that when I unpacked one single box. It was agony on my right shoulder.

I might forgive my future husband if he comes and rubs it better.

He’s on God’s shit list today for wasting precious resources. On what? Paint! It was coming. All along, I knew it was coming back, somehow. God told me so. He made me read a stupid story in a stupid book which told me so. He made the important parts stand out to me beyond all the chaff. All I needed was faith.

Jax does not have faith in God, sadly, and wanted me to buy another PS3. I don’t need one… unless mine has crapped out from sitting for five months in the elements… okay, it seems likely that it has. I… I… I… will roll with the punches. That’s what I will do.

You see, I wasn’t that sad to lose all my stuff to begin with. But Jax was. He lost plenty of things because he was too shy to take the bargain. The longer he waits to take the bargain, the more I get what I want. That’s how it works with cats. That’s how it works with humans.

And my father is resisting the bargain. Odin will take his life eventually for resisting too long. The bargain? He eats vegetables to get better. I make lots of vegetables. I even make them taste good. Of course, I don’t put sugar in everything like he does… that’s probably what’s going to kill him. His own lack of self-control.

I had to listen to that jackass wax eloquent on how important he is all morning already. He wants to be the most important human being on planet Urth. I don’t even want that and God tells me I’m the savior. I don’t want to be this thing. I’m dilapidated. Broken. Utterly destroyed. By mold.

And now I’ve got to fight it again. It’s all over everything in what I moved. I’ve got to wash everything cloth and destroy everything cardboard to get rid of it. It’s a race against the clock, too, because my faucet in the bathroom leaks.

Then, as if he matters, he’s all about how he’s going to take pictures of my stuff. My stuff! As if I didn’t just go run a household for 13 years myself. As if I need to be fully taken care of by someone as incompetent as he is. And he is incompetent, I assure you. He just spent ten minutes bitching about how nobody told him he filled his blood pressure medication, which he lost in the bathroom. I replied, ‘I guess you need my magic! It’s time for me to organize.’ Oh man, he hated that. How dare I suggest it’s broken and needs fixed.

Never mind that he can’t find a single fucking tool he wants. Never mind that. Never mind that nothing is where they think it is, pretty much. He’s only found one thing for me this entire five months when I asked. An HDMI cable for a DVD player. Good job, bio-dad. Good job.

</dripping sarcasm>

Then he cried about how I might’ve been cold upstairs with all that cold stuff in the house! I took a space heater upstairs, y’all. It was fine. I stole one of theirs. My cats were in paradise. Also, it put a lot of moisture back in the air, and no longer do I see sparks dancing when I pet the cats in the dark. Static electricity is amazing. Like tiny little lightning bolts jumping between two objects. (Does that mean there are mini-Thors and mini-Odins? Mini-Lokis? Maybe not… but my brain works in mysterious ways.)

Odin is just nodding at me. He’s either greatly amused or it’s true. Your choice! This is a choose-your-own-adventure novel.

[Clint Black — Never Liked the Rain]






[Hellogoodbye — Touchdown Turnaround (Don’t Give Up On Me)]

Obviously, I do it to fuck with you. This song makes me want to DANCE! I never knew you threw so hard. Where’s my football-lovin’ future husband? I want to play two hand touch.

Jax has informed me (subconsciously) that I know way more about Sports Ball than I ever let on, apparently. I watched pretty much every sports movie ever. Aside from Jerry Maguire, I liked them all. Jerry Maguire… fails. I know everyone loves Renee in this film (and so do I!) but let’s face it, Cruise falls flat. Also that opening scene with the fornication? Totes could have done without. My nephew of nine years old wanted to watch that movie over and over and he wasn’t allowed because of that scene.

It would have improved the movie significantly to be absent. Did it add anything for you besides ten seconds of spank bank material? Exactly my point, my friends.

My favorite sports ball movie? Oh man, how do you pick? So many of them have amazing pep talk speeches by coaches. Almost all of them have great training montages. And other stuff that I don’t really pin down and dissect, but I guess I will because now y’all wanna know all about it, I’m sure.

Alright, alright. Let’s start with… Blades of Glory. Here’s the synopsis from Dr. Internet:

Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are the two titans of skating. At the Winter Olympics, the fierce rivals find themselves forced to share the winner’s podium when they both score gold. The shower of glory doesn’t last for long, as the pair descend into fisticuffs and set the mascot on fire. Disgraced and stripped of their medals, they can get back on ice, but only if they dance with each other as a pair.

Don’t they figure out how to get along by the end of the movie? That’s like two words in this synopsis but it’s the whole point of the movie. It entertained me greatly but I remember nothing about it otherwise.

Balls of Fury. Now there’s a fucking movie worth watching again. Christopher Walken ❤ ❤ <3!!!! That dude is amazeballs. He’s creepy and wonderful and I love him so much. Have you ever seen him dance? OMG! If only I could be half as coordinated. ❤

And that HAIR! The hair makes the movie. I love that he wore it and he was so serious. Yup. Yup. Yup. This is my kinda movie.

Okay, Dr. Internet has highlighted that I have not watched enough sports ball movies. I must remedy this.

I love The Waterboy. I love cheering for underdogs. I also love that Adam Sandler is a reliable brand name, essentially. You know what to expect from his movies, just like you know what to expect from Pauly Shore. In fact, I’d marry a Waterboy. Oh my goodness, would I! The preservation of innocence is what draws me in. No matter how much abuse he takes, he continues to be his true, authentic inner child self. I admire that greatly.

Oh, did I hit you in the feels just now? Well, now you know why I love a man with a lisp that is innocent and sweet. Whenever he materializes, anyway. Perhaps I will write him into existence. Perhaps you’ll give up your toxic masculinity and let your inner children out, my friends. I hope so!

I want to kick your ass in Halo. And then be friends at the end.

I’m not that good at Halo. I’d need to master another weapon. I don’t wanna. That’s work. Unlike other people, I don’t know how to change the controls to favor me and my game play style. So, I just learn the defaults. It takes me a while, sometimes, and Halo is no different. Plus, I was a Sega and Playstation girl. When I first bought an Xbox, that controller was unwieldy. It’s HUGE! It made my hands feel small and dainty. That was a first.

Maybe I should have bought an Xbox sooner.

I only really bought it to play BL3. I actually own it for PC, too. I figured… well, at the time I was making money, you know, but I love those guys. I want to support them. That, and I don’t have as many Xbox friends as I do PC friends and I like to game with friends. Now I’m glad because my PC is broken and I can maybe play if my Xbox works.

I’ve always preferred gaming with friends because… well… I grew up with two brothers and had to share no matter what. So now my default is to share. Duh.

What? You wanna be my friend? Oh. I’m not online right now, not really… I’m hijacking my mom’s computer daily to post. I leave to let her play her mindless games, but she’s also happy putting together a Disney puzzle full of a Peter Pan scene. I normally help her, but I want her to see she can do it all by herself.

She expects to have to help me unpack my shit, but I don’t know if I have room to unpack anything, really. My apartment is now full of art stuff. And cat towers. Which they totally missed, you guys! The very moment they came out of the room I shut them in, they started climbing them. They were so happy. In fact, Bansidhe was so excited to have the scratching post back. She used it within minutes. She homed in on it like a heat seeking missile.

And they love my bed. It’s not just great for me. It’s great for my elderly cats, too. I bet it’d be great for dogs, as well. The support on a Purple mattress is amazing. (What? I don’t want to work for Purple, not unless they want to throw money at me to talk about them endlessly. I’ll take that.) I’m a writer now. I’m not leaving home. I can’t. I can barely drive. I want to give up my car but it’s the only vehicle that works now and my parents are dirt poor.

However, my future husband does not have his own vehicle. (By the way dude, that thing needs an oil change. How about it? Got some energy to go do it? I don’t.) I plan to drive it into the ground. I have little choice otherwise, I’d say.

I wish I had money to put into Tesla, yo. I believe in that company. You should, too, because they’re all about the electric vehicle. Their electric pickup is cheaper than a regular pickup. Check it out! At least, that was true six months ago. I don’t feel like looking it up again. Do your own research. What I think is amazeballs is that they have a semi truck model they haven’t released yet. That company has some tricks up its sleeve. But they’re kinda going broke with the next venture. You can save them from folding and they will split if you do. God guarantees it.

He’s yet to let me down. I mean, I’m way healthier than when we started this nonsense of bringing me back to life. Hell, I can actually think for ten minutes straight. It’s amazing.

[Lean Andreone — It’s Alright, It’s OK]

[The Guild, Felicia Day — (Do You Wanna Date My) Avatar]

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