Inhaling Pizza

Well, I nearly killed myself inhaling pizza for dinner. I’m sorry, I should say pixxa, since pizza requires tomato sauce to be called that. That means every Buffalo Chicken pixxa you’ve ever had was advertised incorrectly.

I find myself ruminating on my ex-classmate from technical school. The one from Networking 101. I have no idea why because I let that shit go like twenty one years ago. God insists he is struggling to write me a letter.

So, let me give y’all advice about writing letters:

1. Start with your well-being. If you’re not well, explain it. Ask the recipient how they’re doing. This may be the only chance in their life they get to give the largest, most honest response they ever dreamt of. A lot of women need it, yo.
2. Fill in all the blanks you can think of since the last time you spoke.
3. Plan to write a rough draft and a final draft. You should do both by hand. If you want her to see you at work because you’re in love with her, maybe just send her the marked up rough draft — if it’s legible. It shows you’re putting in effort.
4. Don’t type a love letter. It’s impersonal.
5. If you’re cold-calling, explain who you are in case they forgot you, if you think you need to. For instance, I never met that guy again after Networking 101, so I don’t recall his name. I know who he is and what he looks like, but I have not the foggiest fucking clue what his name is. (It’s for the best, I’m sure.) However, if the coworker who basically proposed to me was to mail me a letter, I’d know who that is. [Seriously cute guy… problem was that I was too sick to be myself. He might not like me now that I am myself once again.]
6. MEN: Be indirect. Get to your point slowly. Women: BE BLUNT, unless you know for sure that they “get you” and your communication style. If a five year old can understand it, a man has zero fucking excuses. [Trust me, they try to make excuses when they are insincere. Anything to get their dicks wet. Am I right, bro?]
7. BE SINCERE. BE AUTHENTIC. BE YOURSELF. If they are scared away, it’s better for you if it is up front. They might still come around in time, but demand an explanation for the time lost if it’s significant. Do not feel pressured to drop a relationship you are enjoying just because Johnny the football star finally wrote you after thirteen years of nothing.
8. If you are writing a past flame, tell them everything. Women love to know all the ins and outs of things. Focus on feelings you have rather than facts. WOMEN: DO NOT ACCEPT ONLY FACTS; MEN CAN AND WILL USE YOUR EMPATHY AGAINST YOU. DEMAND FUCKING TEARS AND BEAUTIFUL WORDS THAT TOUCH YOUR GODDAMN HEART AND SOUL. [Otherwise, they’re fucking with you just to fuck you.]
9. Use positive words. Use a fucking thesaurus and dictionary, bro. PUT IN REAL EFFORT. A vital mistake here can cost you your loved one. You’re not perfect, nobody is. I look up words all the time to be sure I know the meaning (connotation and denotation… IT MATTERS.) Similarly, ladies, whip out the dictionary and make sure any words that instill doubt in your heart are truly negative in nature. Sometimes, the denotation is far better than the connotation. Give the benefit of the doubt if you’re feeling charitable. Only you know if the man deserves it. If he doesn’t, lawyer up and get a restraining order; don’t even deal with it. There will be legalese mail sent to them with your name on it. It is an extremely valid response. DO NOT EVER FEEL OBLIGATED TO PAY ATTENTION TO A RAPING MURDERING BITCH OF AN EX-BOYFRIEND. In their defense… some people change… sometimes. Make them prove it.
10. Don’t leave out details, even if they cast you in a bad light. Understand why you feel negatively about them and explain how you’re working on changing or you’ve affected change already because of the experience you mention. It shows you can grow and you understand feelings. It shows you understand that reality isn’t always pretty… AND it shows you’re NOT a narcissist. You accept responsibility for your actions. [LADIES, PAY ATTENTION TO THE ACCEPTANCE OF RESPONSIBILITY PART… they can fake this, as well. Question everything. Use neutral language when you do. The response will reflect mental states.]
11. Don’t use words you don’t mean. “Mean what you say and say what you mean because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” It will blow up in your face later, I’m telling you straight up to your stupid fucking faces, but you’re going to do it anyway because you think a woman can’t smell bull shit from a mile away. WOMEN: CHALLENGE THEIR FEELINGS AND TELL THEM YOUR WORST QUALITIES, ESPECIALLY IF YOU PICK YOUR NOSE. [I do, fuck off and leave me alone. Breathing is more important than you having an objection to me making sure I can breathe.] [By the way: EVERYONE picks their nose. Just wash your fucking hands afterward or use a tissue. But also, you live with that bacteria, so what’s the fucking difference? You’re already breathing it everywhere, and chances are you’ve got issues going on from ingesting allergens anyway rather than being sick with a bacterial infection.]
12. It’s okay to be imperfect. It proves you are human. No two humans are exactly the same. Use your own words for everything, don’t copy shit down from the internet that sounds like it encapsulates what you’re trying to say (unless you reproduce an entire poem for them in your handwriting, but most men don’t like scribbling legibly anyway.)
13. Rewrite it until you can read it. Print if you have to! Nobody is going to give a shit if you write them a ten page letter in print vs. cursive. [Yeah, I’m calling you lazy fuckers out; you like printing. Just do it.]
14. Own everything in that letter. This is your history and you are a collection of events, thoughts, feelings, educational memories, etc. This is what makes you YOU. Don’t try to make it ultra-romantic to try to woo the woman; tell her how you feel and respect the fact that she’s an adult that you must obtain consent from.
15. After you mail it… WAIT. Snail mail can take up to 7 days to reach Point B, if not even longer if it gets misplaced. Give 4-6 weeks of no response and then mail another. I know y’all want to chomp at the bit and get a response three days afterward, but don’t you want the lady to take time to remember everything she can remember about you? To word her letter just as carefully? To be couth? To be honest with integrity and compassion?
16. And finally, once you send that letter, go get yourself the equivalent of a six pack of beer and celebrate your utter fucking bravery. I applaud you. I cheer for you. In the name of Love, I hope it fucking works out, bro. Chances are, it won’t, but try anyway. Think of it as therapy to get over the past. It’ll reduce anxiety, it’ll make you feel more relaxed, it’ll help you feel whole again.

WOMEN WHO RECEIVE LOVE LETTERS FROM THE WILD:

1. Understand the man had to swallow his pride just to write you.
2. In the digital age, handwritten anything is amazeballs. Aren’t you even going to think about swooning if you’re single?!
3. They spent $2.00 minimum to send that damn thing to you. Reply, even if you hate them, and tell them why it can never be. Use the thesaurus and dictionary to be kind yet firm in your resolution. Use as many words as you think you need to. You have unlimited potential attention here.
4. Don’t pull your punches. If you are letting a poor sucker down, be cordial, succinct, and to the goddamn point. “I’m sorry, I can’t see you because I’m happily married.” or “I would have rathered never hearing from you again, you rapist bastard!” or “I don’t really remember you but I’m not adverse to trying you on for size.” or whatever it is in your heart; you know your heart and nobody knows it better than YOU. You are the expert in Self.
5. Consider whatever they said, the emotional content, whether or not that emotional content made you respond emotionally. “I slept by the pool that night instead of beside you because I was drunk.” is not as moving as, “I wish I had my arms around you right now and I could look into your beautiful eyes as we talk about life, the universe, and everything. I’ve missed you since the day I last saw you, but I didn’t feel the ache in my heart so keenly until just recently, when I finally figured it out: this is love.” IN YOUR OWN WORDS, ASSHOLES. [Also, who wants to marry me? I’m kinda single and looking.] There’s an example of having your heart warmed vs. stating the facts.
6. IF you feel positive and charitable to the puppy who swallowed his pride and sidled up to you for a kick in the ribs, write back. If you don’t, don’t waste your time. You can write RETURN TO SENDER and put it back in the mail box.
7. Consider your own emotional state of affairs before you even open the letter, if you happen to read this first. Think about your mood, your opinions, your health. If you are in the shittiest mood, save it for when you feel better. Give them the best consideration possible because all people deserve the benefit of the doubt. [Except psychopaths that have learned how to use empathy against women folk. FUCK. YOU.] And if they raped you, get a lawyer to send a restraining order. Nothing speaks like the law.
8. Take your time. It’s snail mail, it’s supposed to be slow. Sleep on it at least one night. If you are going through chaos and confusion and you need weeks, write something super short to them. “Hi, Received your letter. Life’s a mess, won’t read it for weeks. Sorry.” <– Trust me, this is enough. MEN: If you get one of these, keep writing if you have more to say, and just let the letters pile up. LADIES: I’VE WARNED YOU. DO NOT LET THEM HANG LIKE A LOOSE END. I GUARANTEE YOU WILL GET MORE LETTERS IF YOU MAKE THEM WAIT LONG ENOUGH.
9. See letting people off the hook as a service to you both. You are erasing a karmic string between the two of you and freeing both yourself and the other person to move on. Maybe it was just a missed connection of some sort with a vague hope of meeting once again. MAKE ‘EM WAIT. If they’re serious, they’ll wait. And wait. [But keep writing back and forth until you’re comfortable with them if you like them at all.]
10. DO NOT MINCE YOUR FUCKING WORDS, WOMAN. It will come back to bite you in the ass. Read your letter, especially a put-down, to a woman who never met the guy. Ask her if it’s too strong or if you dilly dally around the point or if you lost the plot. (Or, if you have a willing guy friend, you can try him… however, men need to learn how to interpret Woman, if you ask me, so ask your gal pals for a solid.)

BE CIVIL. BE KIND. BE GENEROUS. BE GENTLE. BE LOVING. BE HONEST.

Not being in love them does not give you the right to be a jackass to them. Not being their fan does not give you the right to add insult to injury. If you have a legal issue, get a fucking lawyer, and maybe even a therapist. Put it into writing, ask your lawyer to pursue it and tell them you’d like to never step foot in the same building as your ex-rapist ever again. Capisce?

P.S.: If you ever read a letter and you wonder if they have a fucking heart, send it to the police. They’re evil and need to be watched. Get yourself a restraining order, no matter how much you like ’em. They’re PSYCHO.