The Relationship Myth

Men:

1. I’ve gotta bring home the bacon or I’m not worthy.
2. I’ve got a big dick, that’s all I really need, right?
3. Does she make me feel like a God, waiting on me hand and foot?
4. Is she picture perfect around the clock?
5. Omg she’s giving me positive attention I didn’t earn. QUICK! NEG HER!
6. Wait, she’s leaving me. What can I do to convince her to stay? I know! Meaningless, soulless routines!
7. I still can’t control her! Now what?
8. I know, I’ll buy her a gift! It’ll set everything right and she will adore me all over again.
9. Maybe the big dick isn’t enough… but what is?
10. Crap, I lost her. Now what?

Women:

1. I put in over the top effort and he makes sure to tell me he notices it! SWOON!
2. I’m trying my best, but he just doesn’t get it: I need a rock on my finger and soon, y’all.
3. I’ll just hint about the rock I need on my finger. It’s harmless, or it should be… but wait, my girlfriend said it’d have the opposite effect and chase him away. I want to keep him, no matter what!
4. OMG he’s giving me the attention I dream of having. But it’s just one night… Maybe if I wait around longer, he’ll give me more.
5. I’m waiting patiently for that rock on my finger, but you know, today, he told me he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me. This makes me so sad. Maybe he’s not the guy I thought he was.
6. This relationship sucks but it’s not so terrible I want to leave. How is that even possible? He must be doing something to keep me here, but he just told me he didn’t want to be with me! This is so confusing.
7. Why does he keep doing nice things for me? He doesn’t seem to get any joy out of it. I don’t know why I stick around, honestly!
8. Great, he made a negative comment about my appearance. He hates me. I better get out of here. (About time, really!)
9. Why is he trying so hard to keep me from leaving? He told me he hates me, I’m done.
10. I’m done with this charade, it’s time to be alone again. It’s better than the hell of knowing the man I love hates me.

Men:

1. I’m not that well-endowed, so I need to go over-the-top romantic for the girl!
2. I need to prove how much I care, I better overthink this and decide what she wants for her. I obviously know what’s best for everyone here.
3. She sent me a super romantic music video but it’s too soon(TM)! The video to the music video is irrelevant; the lyrics are too deep, too fast!
4. I’m offended she thinks she knows me! Throw the brakes on!
5. I’m not worthy of being loved! No, no, no. I cannot accept this might lead to the real thing, she’s too pretty for me. I’m chopped liver!
6. Why is she spending time with me?
7. Wait, I kind of like the resonance we’re sharing.
8. Wait! She’s pulling away! PANIC! I liked it more than I ever thought I would!
9. Her love is so soft and I broke it. 😦
10. She left me.

Men:

1. I’ll lie to the girl to get in her pants. I have a girl back home, but I’m a milion miles away from home so it doesn’t matter.
2. Sweet! She’s pretty kinky. I never expected that! Still… she’s fat.
3. Crap, she admitted she hates being fat. I’ll reassure her the only way I know how…
4. What am I doing? I just told her I only have a libido when I’m in the same room as her.
5. Now what? She’s amazing. The only thing I don’t like is her waist line. But I lied to her…
6. Crap, I lost the girl by ghosting her for a year and then coming back with a crappy apology.
7. Wait, she just offered to fund an art studio inside her house and she wants me to be part of it.
8. She disappeared on me after all that. She’s so reliable, too, and easy to take advantage of… and although I didn’t admit I lied to her, I’ve hedged around it. She has to know… did she forgive me?
9. She’s back! Don’t leave me!
10. She’s gone… I deserve this for ghosting her to begin with just because I lied to her. I should’ve picked her…

Men:

1. No, thank you. You’re not the perfect anything for me.
2. Wait, why did I turn her away? She’s funny as hell.
3. Wait, j’ai du regret!
4. Are you still available?
5. She’s gone…

Women:

1. Wow, he’s so romantic! We even write poetry together! ❤ ❤ ❤
2. Wow, he’s a good writer and he writes me love letters. I couldn’t really ask for more.
3. We’re long distance and it’s tearing me up inside.
4. He stopped trying to make sure I knew I was special. 😦 😦 😦
5. He makes me cry every day now and I did so little wrong. Why are we fighting?
6. That’s it! He’s done enough. I’ve cried for six months. I’m DONE!
7. But wait… I miss the asshole.
8. I still miss the asshole.
9. I still miss the asshole.
10. I still miss the asshole.

Men:

1. I learned how to say what the ladies love. COME HERE, LADIES!
2. I’m two-timing two gals, they’ll never know it.
3. Shit, I fucked up and paid one gal the compliment I meant to give the other. This pre-planned shit is starting to take wear on me. I can’t take it back, either, or the woman will go away. I’m enjoying abusing her for my fragile little ego!
4. Shit, she wants to walk out on me… but she’s a great lay. Wait a minute, I can focus long enough to say exactly what she wants to hear.
5. There! I’ve repaired it all! Now I can continue to bang two chicks! This is the life. ❤
6. Shit, I missed the one’s birthday. What the hell can I do to make up for that?
7. I am sure I can figure this out if I devote enough time to it. I might have to neglect one girl for a week to figure it out…
8. Shit, shit, shit. They’re starting to wise up to each other.
9. Now what? I screwed myself.
10. I lost both girls… wait, one is hanging on by a thread… or is she?