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Angel-Sansara

Tag: psycho boy ben

  • It’s Distracting

    I stand at the kitchen sink, cleaning up after myself. I’m trying to beat the odds of dying, but it’s made more difficult when the image of a man from the grocery store flits through my brain. “Really?” she says out loud to herself, cynical and jaded these days. “What the fuck is he on…

  • You Make Me Crazy

    “Crystal, what are you going to do if you’re not the messiah?” Nick asked casually last night. “Go on SSI. It’s obvious I’ve lost my fucking mind.” “What are you going to do if you are the messiah?” Ben queried next. “Go on SSI. It’s as humble as you can get, n’est-ce pas?“ … She…

  • Schizophrenia #1

    I love you. I want to be with you forever. I know we’ve never spoken before in person. I know there’s a lot to say and maybe even more to do… but I love you. I can’t get you out of my head. I have tried, but you just won’t leave it, no matter what…

  • I’m Asking Too Much

    I am asking too much, as it turns out. It helps me weed out the boys from the men, truth be told. I want… need… to be married. One time. One person. If they cheat on me, I will not have the will left to carry on. I will be dead. This is the last…

  • I’m Sick

    Something catastrophic has happened to my person. It’s really difficult to explain without telling all the details, so perhaps I just need to write a book describing it. I feel like there are many lessons being learned and if all of humanity could learn them with me, we might be blessed with peace and prosperity…

  • Connection/Art

    I took a workshop today via Udemy called Connect with Colour – Using Art as a Way of Knowing. It’s about 30 minutes long. It’s one of the better freebies I’ve found on Udemy. I made a digital image full of hearts. ❤ It made me feel kind of fuzzy and good inside. It made…

  • The Universe(TM) is my BFF

    If you hadn’t noticed, I love adding the trademark indicator to stupid common phrases. I think it’s funny. I hope you do, too. I have this notion that a world of pain is coming my way. Emotional pain. I’m still sort of connected to the most vile bastard I’ve ever met in the back of…

  • My Relationship Faux Pas

    I keep beating my head against the wall. What is it that I do wrong? How is it that everyone treats me like I’m a substandard piece of crap instead of the beautiful goddess I know I am? What is wrong with me? Technically, nothing is wrong with me. Yet, God decided to reprogram me…

  • Enlightenment Hurts

    Grab a packet of Post-Its, a pen, and a mirror. For 30 seconds, write down every thought you have about yourself (without overthinking it) as you look into the mirror. Assess these things and then put them aside. Later that day, look at each Post-It and rate it on a scale of 1-10 for how…

  • Fighting Demons

    As if the challenges of the modern world were not enough, I’ve gone bat shit crazy. I used to be sane. I really did. I used to just be myself. I hope one day to be myself again, though I’d miss talking to the voice inside me that responds to God (or, more accurately, The…

  • Got Sanity? I’m Buying.

    Every day is a new set of lies. Do normal people live with this shit? I hope not. It makes life stupid amounts of confusing. If your life stopped making sense, chances are you’re surrounded by lying sacks of shit. I’m sorry. You’d think understanding that being a human being is to be flawed inherently,…

  • A Strange Dream

    I woke up today to a strange dream. I’d gone to the grocery store – Wegmans, I think – and was trying to check out via self-checkout (which I rarely use.) For some reason, all the things in my cart were already in bags and all the bag handles were tied in knots, so I…

  • Metatron Functioning As Expected

    The G.O.D. went to work, busily fixing all the fuck ups that Ben introduced in Metatron. I mean, Daniel. We gave him a code name and then I forgot to use it. Fuck. After a substantial amount of time passed (years, actually), METATRON was able to function once more as it was intended to. The…

  • Metatron Is Displeased

    Sansara returned and saw that Daniel was still diligently attempting to repair the robot, Metatron. “Can I be of service?” she asked coquettishly. She was an imp in comparison to Crystal. A shit-disturber. But, she was also insightful from time to time. She loved a good joke and she loved it even more when she…

  • I Don’t Want to Exist Anymore

    Ever feel that way? I remember feeling it most when I was a teenager, honestly. I felt like I should have never been born, after trying to communicate my grief to others, trying to face it head-on that I’d been raped and diminished as a person. Instead, the people I tried to acquire comfort from…

  • Soul Searching

    I’ve been looking for a soul much like my own. A green-colored one. A bright and shiny one that is like malachite. Or perhaps like green amazonite, bloodstone or dark green aventurine. Malachite is striking, though, with the ribbons and bands of bright green woven through the base that is darker green. There are many…

  • All Men Are Handsome

    And all women are beautiful. Logically, since beauty is objective and “in the eye of the beholder,” then we can extrapolate that all people are beautiful (or handsome, if you prefer) to someone, somewhere. Therefore, to limit another being based on our own inability to find them to be objectively beautiful to gaze upon is…

  • My Worth, Take Three

    What God really wants you to know, children of Eden, is that you’re unworthy of life at this time. You are failing to live with your surroundings, you are failing to tend to the garden. You are failing to thrive alongside the animals that feed you, the plants that feed you. You’ve tamed everything in…

  • Diego, Diego, Diego

    What a narcissistic punk, don’t you think? It’s always about Diego. The emotions and practices of Crystal meant nothing much to him. Only his emotions about the facts. If he felt something was terrible, he’d tell her outright, even though she already knew it and decided to be the grown-up and just deal with shit.…

  • Once a Snoop…

    They say once a cheater, always a cheater, but I posit that once a snoop, always a snoop. And you should be a snoop, too. A person with nothing to hide is the loyal kind of person. Anyone who is offended with even the smallest invasion of privacy is suspect. Diego was still reading Sansara’s…

  • The Legend of Daryas III

    (cont’d from previous entry) Rape culture is so pervasive, it’s hard to get away from it until the entirety of it is explained to you. Our global society is oversaturated in it at this point. Photograph manipulation to remove flaws (magazine covers, photos online, Angelina Jolie’s tits in Tomb Raider, pockets where men shouldn’t be…

  • The Legend of Daryas II

    (cont’d from previous post) I honestly and truly thank God for the opportunity to get to know this woman. To get to know Crystal Scordias. Without her, I would have walked around, hanging my head in shame for eternity, convinced that I was a ruthless murderer and rapist. That there was no way to be…

  • It’s Always Ben, Ben, Ben!

    That probably takes you back to the Brady Bunch, if you’re on our wavelength. That’s exactly what he grew up with, too, except his mother is a rape victim who felt voiceless and went a bit crazy thanks to that and now everyone thinks she’s awful for having no internal dialogue. In fact, I think…

  • Manny & Camila [NSFW]

    Crystal didn’t expect Manny and Camila to be a happily ever after duo. She would have rooted for them every day in every way to try to prevent it, but she still had the feeling Camila was more deeply in love with Diego than she herself even realized. Sansara, Crystal’s twin spirit, was a mind-reader.…

  • Dear Crystal,

    I miss you every day we’re apart. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss your crazy creations you adapt to your special diet. I miss your cats. I miss seeing you in the same room as me, walking past me in the hall, even flushing the toilet in the middle of the night.…

  • Why u mad, bro?

    Diego felt terrible. Sansara had walked away from him, brooding in anger the night she got him stoned out of his gourd. Then, he daydreamed having sex with her and it ended with her calling out someone else’s name. That part was confusing, because he’d never heard the name Ross from her before.. That wasn’t…

  • Three Kings and I

    He decided to go out since she was intent on ignoring him. He went to his favorite bar, Three Kings. He sat next to the bartender, ordering a Blue Moon. Well, this is a productive use of funds, he found himself thinking. Just what did he do all the extra shifts for? He was drinking…

  • Jerome is God’s Name

    </grain of salt> The following story may be completely fictional. Grab yourself a cup of tea, coffee, a nice large water, a snack, and prepare for the blitz of me telling my story as quickly as possible because I think a psycho murderer is on his way to my door step to kill me. I…

  • Avoiding Diego

    The moment Diego left the house, Crystal went down to get herself a cup of coffee. She loved coffee. She dumped out the half pot of fully caffeinated coffee and cleaned the Braun coffeemaker. “How are you today, Arnie?” she asked, addressing her coffeemaker as she cleaned it completely. Once clean, she started a fresh…

  • Today’s Therapy: KnowInk [NSFW]

    TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE KnowInk was probably the worst work place she’d ever known, she thought. She was teleconferencing with her therapist, again, talking about how someone who worked there had committed suicide. Crystal was convinced that KnowInk had a hand in that happening, but she didn’t have concrete evidence of it being a direct cause.…

  • Coffee Talks, PT II

    Sansara noted Diego had a tan line on his left ring finger last time he was holding her hand. He was left-handed and he had taken her right into his while they talked at the kitchen table, though she didn’t know what purpose he had in mind. She was waiting for a sign, any sign,…

  • She Withdraws [NSFW]

    TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE Sansara was embarrassed with herself. She couldn’t believe her lack of self-control regarding Diego. She hoped to Hell that he couldn’t hear her from the couch. She was trying to be quiet but she definitively failed. She knew he was flirting with her, but she didn’t feel like repeating the Ben experience.…

  • Diego Dreams [NSFW]

    Diego woke with a start as his phone rang next to his head. He rubbed his eyes with one hand while the other sought his phone. Damn, he thought. It was just a dream! And he thought the super babe subletting him a room was all about him in it, too. He sat up when…

  • Shopping with Michael [NSFW]

    https://www.patreon.com/ssolsinger Sansara watched her future man approach her car, loaded up with puppy supplies and Max on a leash. He had a lop-sided smile on his face, pleasantly surprised that she had shown up. Since he was fairly certain that she was a mind reader, he didn’t think too much of it. If he didn’t,…

  • Daniel In Love?

    https://www.patreon.com/ssolsinger He didn’t know if it was possible, but he thought he was already in love with this woman. He’d known her for five hours. He tried to imagine what a first date with her would have been like, since she admitted her first date was that long. He tried to imagine taking the same…

  • Showing Daniel His Room

    https://www.patreon.com/ssolsinger Max tugged on his leash, trying to break free to explore on his own. Daniel commanded him to sit and stay. He really didn’t know what was getting into his mutt. Just as he opened his mouth to ask he saw a cat tower nearby, which Max was staring at because there was a…

  • Sansara Spills the Beans

    https://www.patreon.com/ssolsinger Sansara was practically a font of information. In the past few hours, he’d learned so much about her, but now that she was opting to be an open book for him, he was beyond transfixed. In the car ride to the grocery store, she told him all about how she had a near death…

  • Going Home/Telepathic Tales

    https://www.patreon.com/ssolsinger As Diego got up from the table, preparing to drive the two of them home, he glanced at the check. The grand total was… $285.00. He went white as a sheet for a moment. Had they really spent so much money on one dinner together? His eyes widened as he saw his future wife…

  • Dinner with Sansara/Lightning Strikes

    https://www.patreon.com/ssolsinger Finally! They were seated at a table. She informed Diego what she wanted for dinner and made him order it on her behalf, which he found odd. He thought back to chauvinistic displays in days of yore, where men did that sort of thing. It never seemed to be from a place of love,…

  • Moving in with Diego

    https://www.patreon.com/ssolsinger Sansara stood at the entrance of the apartment for a long moment to stare at Diego like she’d never truly seen him before. He had no idea what to do as the gorgeous woman stared at him, the epitome of plain curiosity on her face. Her eyes searched his before sliding from his face…

  • Thought Swimming

    [Profanity Warning] I saw a man with Down Syndrome (presumably) at the supermarket the other day. He gave me the most brilliant happy smile. I couldn’t help but smile back! I stepped outside of my comfort zone, too. I said, “Hi” as I passed him in the deli. He was wearing a sunshine yellow shirt…

  • I Feel Like a Narcissist

    [Profanity warning] Le sigh. Probably every few months or so, I get around to thinking I’m a narcissist. I’m not sure why I go in circles on this topic. I was convinced of it when I dated my psycho ex, actually… I consider it to be possible with my strange duality, but the truth of…

  • Sticks and Stones

    (Please read this blog post for context.) Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. FALSE. After my psychopathic ex lied to me about getting himself another girlfriend in order to coerce me into a threesome (which didn’t work, might I add), he convinced my best friend to defend him.…

  • The Truth About Lying

    First, I should recap my view of lies: A liar either believes I’m too immature to handle the truth or that they can fool me 100% of the time for the rest of eternity. Lying is an underhanded attempt at trying to seem perfect to other people (or yourself), while we all know we are…

  • What to do about autism?

    https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/adults/ It seems to me that neurotypical humans have decided that autism an affliction. To be different is a sin, that’s the subtext I receive, even though I don’t believe in sins or God. It’s just plain wrong. But why? Why is it wrong to be different? Can’t I lend a different perspective to the…

  • New Concept: Open Therapy

    Open therapy: discussing one’s life openly with the public to look for feedback, potentially compassion, and definitely new perspectives regarding the experiences in one’s life that have happened, are actively happening, or potentially may happen. I’ve got this nagging inner voice that is very masculine in nature and definitely not me that just won’t quit…

  • Crystal’s Dark Comedy #1

    He’s not jail cute. I have to stay in my lane and put my eyes back on the food. I ran over a phantom dog. Scooby Doo taught me more about life than school ever will.