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  • You’d Think I’d Learn My Lesson

    And stop eating tomato. It really doesn’t feel that great on my intestines. If only marijuana was legal so I could smoke the pain away and keep killing myself one bite at a time. Hey silver fox tattooed dragon man… please don’t hurt yourself. I love you, too. I love everybody, especially the people who […]

  • Dance With Me, Moose

    Okay. I’m back, Bob. God told me the next topic I should speak about is penis envy. I guess average is about 6″ or so and about 1.5″ in diameter. (Suck it, you metric-using assholes. Use Google to figure it out.) However, in pornography, we often see unusually long or wide (or both), I have […]

  • Bob Berger was born and raised in Erie, PA

    And he’s a sadistic man bent on becoming a serial murderer, if he can only figure out how to do it right. If he was telepathic himself, he’d have the perfect way to elude non-telepathic individuals. But he’s not telepathic, thank our lucky stars. Instead, he’s pretty stupid. He’s pacing around his apartment, waiting with […]

  • When Life Begins Again

    Well, I just gave my bestest buddies in the whole world the instructions to inform the police of this blog if I should go missing on them. They don’t live in Erie, pal, so good luck tracking them down in INDIA and THE U.K. (Got a passport? I do.) Anyway, I’m here to tell you […]

  • Dear Suicidal One,

    I know you think you have nothing to live for anymore. It is only when you let go of what you are now that you can embrace what you will become. By accepting and letting go, you can enter your own metamorphosis. You are the butterfly once you emerge from your cocoon. I know you’ve […]

  • Somewhere Over The Rainbow…

    Lies Asgard, supposedly. What on Earth am I doing these days? I walk through life, a zombie. Not even. I’m standing still. I’m already dead. I’ve been dead for years now. Here’s my advice to the living: don’t do this at home, folks. I think, in the event that my body be discovered one day […]

  • I’m Crazy. Nice To Meet You.

    So. I’m sick of dudes. Screw it. I’ve been on this wild goose chase for ages. I told God… all I wanted was true love(tm). Apparently, it doesn’t exist. Probably not for anyone. They might think it does, those people who declare they’re happily in love. Are they, though? Are they, after twenty years? Are […]

  • Silver Fox/Tattooed Dragon Man

    Good evening, dear sir. I first laid eyes upon you a few months ago in the food court of the mall. I had just walked in from the outdoors, as it were, and I stood still for no reason at all other than God telling me to. That’s when you walked past me, probably exiting […]

  • Shopping For A Husband

    Accepting reality is where it’s at. You know, I wake up sometimes and God says to me, “Look at that hair! It’s perfect! You don’t even have bed head!” And I say… nothing. Thanks for the compliment, bro. I needed it for a while… after my last run-in with a narcissistic bastard who made me […]

  • When It Doesn’t Fit

    I can hear the Deli Man now in my head: “What about me?!” Well, I didn’t forget you, but I don’t know anything else about you. I’d be your #1 fangirl if you let me. For the rest of your life, actually. But, if you don’t want that, tell me already so I can nip […]