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Mace to the Face

Cause and effect!

Effect: I smash you to smithereens.
Cause: You lie to me and distort my reality until I realize you’re lying to me because I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Effect: I start distrusting humanity.
Effect: Humanity acts the same as it always does.
Cause: Give humans benefit of the doubt.
Effect: Humanity cries and steps up.

Every human being is capable of great goodness and great evil. Every human being is suffering(TM). Right now. Even if they’re smiling. Maybe especially if they’re smiling. If it reaches their eyes, anyway.

I watched a woman smile at someone in the grocery store from behind the dairy counter. She was a middle aged woman, if not eldening, and (what? Can I not make up words so you understand without being abusive?) I noticed that the smile wasn’t reaching her eyes. I immediately was met with an abusive narrative in my head, to which I recoiled and tried to mace in the face when it just would not quit(TM), forcing me to listen to false hypotheses for no goodly reason.

What did they say? Do I really want to know? Just what kind of blog is this?

They said that the man was flirting with the woman and she was using him as her narcissistic supply. They both work at the store I was in; since I go frequently, I’m familiar with the staff. It changes every few months but I assume that’s partly because it’s a college town. Not everyone leaves, not everyone stays. For example, I can name at least three cashiers who have been there for years. (Hi, Aaron and Katherine!)

He feels like he’s a pizza face and we’re squirreling off-topic, but I want to address that. It’s rude to call people pizza face and you’re being rude to yourself. You’re a handsome young lad. The only advice I have for you is to pay attention to what you’re eating.

Moving right along: I’ve decided the dairy woman with dead eyes is a psychopath today. This is not doing her justice; she’s probably just in the dead state due to a real psychopath. But when your smile doesn’t reach your eyes, what’s the point?

If you treat a human being as if they are a good human being even when they are not, they will eventually come around. “If you can’t beat them, join them” is a phrase regarding temperance and tolerance. Well, in my experience, if you refuse to join people in their misbehaviors — even if it takes three years to get through them all — they will stop misbehaving. All you have to do is teach them a new way to behave.

Every person carries pain in their heart. They’re hurting because a human being misbehaved at them and got away with it. They’re hurting because their authentic self was rejected. They’re hurting because someone called them pizza face, or thunder thighs, or even just stupid. The insult need not be creative to cause damage to the delicate lotus flower at the center and seat of your soul. It just has to come from someone you admire. Someone you think you want to be like at least a little bit. Someone you think is beautiful or handsome. Or perhaps you’re more advanced and you admire someone for their grace and charm instead. Their smile.

My smile died. I left it in another lifetime where I was employed and successful. I have lived many lifetimes now and I have been ripped away from my favorite one, dragged back into the abyss of wounded misery and pain by the clawing hands of ten human being souls. Ten men and women who want me to fail. Then men and women who misunderstand me, seemingly willfully, for all they had to do was ask the right questions.

Because I am autistic and shy, I am misconstrued as a shyster and a con artist. I don’t explain myself or my motivations to other people because they never believe it anyway. I do things because they entertain me to some capacity but also entertain a larger audience. I am a social artist and I am happiest as a social artist. However, I’m not happy managing people because they get sticks up their asses and try to make you fall from grace so they can point at you, laugh, and say, “They’re just as fallible and wretched as I am!”

I was, once. I deleted it. I didn’t like it, so I deleted it. CAUSE AND EFFECT. But what do other people do? They project it onto everything around them. I am guilty of projection, but I’ll tell you what: you’d want my kind of projection. I project that you are a damaged soul in need of T.L.C. and maybe a little C.P.R.. I project that you are an amazing being inside a finite mortal vessel that will expire one day, far too soon for you to bring all of your magic to the world. I believe that you are trustworthy. I believe that you are kind. I believe that you are something special. That you deserve to be loved, no matter who you are, just maybe not by me. I only have a finite amount of love I can give and the rest is hate. Since I don’t like to dwell in hatred and the negative vibrations human beings obsess over somehow, I simply let it go. I draw a boundary between me and Liar X and I keep them away from me. I might check in on them from time to time to see if they have improved themselves or grown up any, but usually they do not… no matter how they behave, they are stuck in the pattern of misbehaviors taught to them by psychopathic assholes and unfeeling bitches. (There is no gender affiliation for either of those words in my head, by the way.)

Now, after living with eight liars, I am dead. Nobody is good, not even me. I will never be good enough for anyone, not even a man who stares into my eyes every shopping trip for months. He’s just another psychopath waiting to murder me. You all are. I couldn’t beat you, so I joined you.

How, exactly, does that feel?

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