His eyes never sparkled when he looked at me, not until I nearly wasted away, shedding over 80 pounds. Not once did he look at me like I was the hottest thing on planet Earth, not unless I was acting out, stretching myself to get his attention. Going above and beyond.
This should not be the status quo of a “casual relationship”, which is what he bargained for despite saying he wanted a girlfriend. I remember once he told me that he couldn’t believe that this could be it, that his first girlfriend could be his wife. In that moment, he invalidated our union and the purpose thereof. He gave himself cold feet because he wanted to sample the nectar of more flowers. He “needed” to explore more of womankind. He convinced himself to leave, if he was ever attached, but he didn’t want to leave, either. He simply got greedy and wanted a harem, just as every boy imagines, except this boy was over forty years of age. He was supposed to have grown up at least a little by then.
Instead, he exposed me to media that supported his desires. Books, movies, television shows. Sense 8, Bus, books on polyamory, books on polygamy, books on open relationships. I remember he read a book by some Canadian doctorate woman who had two lovers: a husband and a boyfriend. Her work is completely inconclusive, which tells me that she’s not actually in love with either. She is merely in lust with one and comfortable with the other.
That is not to say love is not comfortable, but she hasn’t found it yet. Either that, or she loved and lost, and expects it to feel the same the next time because she does not understand she herself has changed. The only reason you cannot feel as great about your second love as the first is because you were damaged by the first person’s narcissism (we’re all narcissists by default) and you’re unaware of it. You cannot open your heart like the first time you let someone in because you were abandoned by the first one, one way or another. Even if you broke it off, you can have a distinct sense of abandonment. I know I did.
I changed because I let him rape me. Some of what happened is absolutely my own fault. I allowed him to cross boundaries, I hurt from it, and I assuaged my pain. I dissociated in order to continue to deliver that which he loved and continue to be myself. However, this was not healthy. I should have simply said no, especially since I have the notion that he was raping himself, as well. We became trauma bound together because of this mutual raping that was supposedly done with our intellectual consent, but we didn’t have emotional or bodily consent. The four layers of our being were not synchronous. We did not have consent from our entire Self.
This is the malaise of the world. This is the spiritual problem we all face. We are not listening to all the parts of ourselves — not all of us. We are sacrificing bits and pieces to keep others happy out of love or a need for acceptance, which is a kind of love. We all desperately wish to be loved for who we are, but we are told we are unacceptable all the time. We are given reasons to change ourselves to suit other people. This is wrong. We are raping people by showing them disapproval and disdain. We should set the boundary as early as possible: if someone does not respect the person you are, then exile them. They will become lonely if it is something deep in their core because others will do the same, providing them time for much needed self-reflection. Perhaps they just need a little more diplomacy training. You can check in every six months or so if you find them particularly attractive in some sense (or if you’re a nice person) and see if they’ve made suitable progress of Self. If not, return to exile. Do not answer texts, do not answer e-mails, phone calls, and if they show up unannounced, then call the cops.
I would say that letter writing may be an exception… you have the choice to ignore it for months, if you want to. Years, even. You also have the choice to throw it away. Toss it in the recycling bin if they are hurting you every time they contact you. Write them a letter back with how you feel if you want to answer them without reading it at all. There is no rule that you have to reply to people the way they want you to reply. So many people are seeking narcissistic supply. You do not need to give it to them. You only need to be a feeling creature and understand your Self.
We need to emphasize feeling our feelings and naming them.
Right now, I’m feeling loss. I missed out on something that could have been amazing a long time ago. The reason I’m feeling loss is that I keep hearing things I want to hear regarding that which was lost. I could well be utterly insane, and I’m voting for that answer, but still… I have to feel this loss to move forward. I have to know what it is. I yearn. That’s what it is. I am longing for a personal connection with a sensitive man with a good vocabulary, a soft touch, and enough maturity to understand that sex is my domain in our relationship. “You can look but you can’t touch” isn’t quite applicable, but it’s close. I imagine it something like Gomez and Morticia Addams: he can kiss me all over to tell me that he’s there or ready to engage in intercourse. I am not in that place by default. I could be in a position to be convinced, but maybe not.
All women are this way, I’d wager. All people are this way.
I feel compelled to give into urges even when I’m not in the zone of extreme arousal. This is a form of rape to myself. I am perpetuating that which men put onto me now that I’ve grown accustomed to decades of rape. I am not even a victim, I am an active participant in my self-destruction now. This is a product of not understanding myself completely, which I hope extrapolates to the general human condition, now that I’ve been reading more about other religions (again.) Now that I’m better versed in other cultures, I’m beginning to understand that I’m not alone… I’m just born in the wrong place to be appreciated properly. I’m born in the wrong place to get the kind of relationship I’m looking for.
I wonder how many times I was born into a more spiritual culture than the one I am immersed in now. I imagine it must be plenty of times, considering it’s part of the pattern of my spirit and soul. It’s my imprint, it’s my template. I am Heyoka, I realized, after reading what a heyoka is and how they operate. This is my job. Sharing my perspective with the world, sharing my applied psychology, sharing what I learned that will help others protect and heal themselves.
The place I live is full of ritualistic lies. Fantasies about what kind of place we live in. The wool is over the eyes of the many. The wolverines dance and rejoice. They take advantage of those of us who do not walk to the beat of our own drum. Most people do not, that’s why heyoka are so powerful, so needed, so desirable. We are required to expose the architect’s view point of the universe we are experiencing. My experience is… tragic. How many others are in the same place I am? Dissociated from raping themselves, making themselves okay with the pain of doing something they don’t like?
I doubt most people will have had the exact same experience that taught me all about this, but my first real relationship was a dominant and submissive relationship with elements of sado-masochism. I am not naturally a sadistic personality, but my partner was entirely masochistic. In this paradigm, my masochistic partner was the submissive, so he had the control. He was the one who had greater desires to please, in essence, and wanted to be the recipient. People think erroneously that dominants have the power. No, they do not; they are the ones given the reigns and told to keep everyone in check so no one gets irreparably hurt. They are the adult out of the two people. They’re meant to know better, to stop before (unwanted) pain occurs to either the Self or the Other.
After decades of psychological research, I believe those who think they want pain have been raped (either physically or mentally) and they seek to recreate that emotional experience so that they can continue to feel guilt or shame about the original incident, continuing to marinate themselves in a negative vibration (which is the opposite of enlightenment.) In short, they hate themselves, so they consent to you giving them a kind of hatred: physical pain, humiliation, and restrictions. There is nothing sacred to this act, there is nothing good about this act, there is no reason to participate in this act… unless you, their dominant partner, are also in a vibration of guilt or shame. He took me deeper into such a vibration because I didn’t like what I was doing as the sadistic party, so I dissociated and became two people: the Self and the dominatrix Self.
What is there to be guilty about? Receiving as a male? Being turned on by your memory of your rape? Why seek it out to recreate it? This gives a new meaning to “guilty pleasure,” if you ask me.
I was asked to perform acts that, ultimately, hurt my spirit and my soul. I was not okay with them. In fact, they scarred me, and now I don’t want to let anyone in that deeply because I think they will ask me to do something that hurts me. It’ll become a requirement to continue to agree to harmonize. I stopped doing what hurt me and my Other pulled away, punishing me, because in his eyes, everything was reward and punishment. In mine, it is pleasure versus pain. They are two parts of the same whole, but from my side it’s about feelings and on his side it’s about manipulation and control.
Manipulation and control are forms of rape. If you are being driven by desires you do not openly communicate, you are raping. I don’t care if it’s sexual intercourse or not; you’re a rapist. To try to force others to do your bidding is rape. You can ask them. They can decline or accept. If they decline, there should not be a punishment. The man I fell in love with was sick and he tried to give me his same spiritual disease. Ultimately, I dumped him, feeling abandoned. I’d been promised eternity and it fell apart. I didn’t ask for eternity. I asked for pleasure and he gave me pain instead.
Does that mean the sex wasn’t good? No comment. We should not have been together half as long as we were. He sensed me moving on after a year and a half and then he started acting out, because I stopped giving him his narcissistic supply. Well, he wasn’t giving me my emotional feel-good supply, either, so tit for tat, Mr. Burr. I am not a narcissist, if that statement makes me sound like one… I was looking for hugs and kisses, simply put. Happiness upon showing up, gratitude, in a word. He stopped being grateful and I started to move on. It’s that fucking simple. I move towards positive vibrations. The End.
Sex should not be seen with a stigma of guilt or shame. It’s a natural part of our lives, it’s an expression of love between two people, it’s a way to provide comfort and solace. It’s also a physical need, so fuck you, Christianity. It should be acquired by two consenting parties who entire Selves consent to the union, whether it be for one night or eternity. Now, sexual disease makes this trickier, but I still believe it. Relationships can and will expire. I will always outgrow someone who is not Heyoka. I grow in exponential leaps and bounds. In fact, God resets me in private when I’m grooming my soul between relationships, and normally within two weeks, I am back to my good ol’ self. (Sometimes, it’s two weeks and two days, He says.) This time, though, it’s over two years. That’s how much trauma I have to process.
Think about that… two weeks and two days versus two years.
Instead of preaching abstinence, we need to give sex education. We need to give spiritual education, too, but not religiously speaking. We need to tell people all about the sexually transmitted diseases that can be acquired, what they do to the human body, and how condoms only stop transmission a fairly low percentage of the time because you still get whatever comes out of the other person all over you.
Showering directly after sex might be helpful here, since I can extrapolate from poison ivy… if you shower directly after playing in poison ivy (and wash your clothes, too), you are very unlikely to develop a reaction, even if you rolled around in it nilly willy — as long as you wash every part of you adequately. If this is true, then showering directly after intercourse is probably a good idea. Showering before is also a good idea, since you want to remove bacteria before penetration occurs. Of course, condoms can be useful here, too, but how many of these things are in the landfill? How many more are we going to put there just so we can be a promiscuous society that does not emphasize proper sexual health?
I prefer to know the person thoroughly and know they are loyal to me. But, as it turns out, nobody actually is able to be loyal, so I’m beginning to think I’m never going to have another lover again. He’s going to have to cry buckets of tears at me first, I reckon. BUCKETS. I want to see your pain, boy. Or are you a man? Could you be… the mountain dragon man?
After every single partner, one should wait six months and one day. Then you go get an S.T.D. panel done by a doctor. After you obtain your results, you are free to end your self-imposed celibacy. Why that specific amount of time? It takes that long to know whether or not you contracted H.I.V. or AIDS from someone. If you’ve contracted anything else, it’ll show up, and you either take a pill or you get a six pack because you got herpes, which is incurable.
TAKE ALL THE FUCKING PILLS, IDIOTS. That way, we (as a species) don’t end up with antibiotic-resistant diseases to worry about. Antibiotics are not good for us. In fact, I know you can cure some of these diseases without them, but it takes a long time. A lot longer, actually… like months and months longer.
For instance, bacterial vaginosis, which is often caused by fecal contamination during intercourse or foreplay, can be overcome without antibiotics. I know because I did it. It took nine months to return to normal. And yes, that asshole raped me, and I told him, and he is still sick to his stomach about it, I bet. I reminded him over and over that he “ruined” me for months. I hope he never did it again, that’s all I was trying to get through to him.
I can easily share how to get over something like B.V., but common sense would tell you exactly how to do it, too. Limit what feeds the bacteria in your diet. Eat lots of good nutrients (focus on vegetables and good meats.) Rest plenty. Drink plenty of water. Concentrate on your body healing whenever you think about it. It works. I surmised a long time ago if my brain can make my body sick (which it absolutely can), then it can make it well, too. It’s slow, but it does happen.
This is the basis of all reiki and shamanism, by the way. Your willpower must be employed to a specific goal like this in order to create change in the energy fields, which enables healing to take place. (Or, supposedly more sinister, shamanistic attacks… which is just forcing healing onto people, according to God. It only works when he feels like making it work.)
I want to condemn Christianity and Catholicism right now, too… they are the reason this world is fucked up. Even the Qu’ran admits that divorce is normal. It’s in BOOK TWO. THE SECOND SURRAH. It’s called The Cow. Remember that one in The Holy Bible? I do. Where’s the provision for divorce, Church of England? KING JAMES TRANSLATED THE FUCKER AND THEN LEFT OUT THE PROVISION FOR DIVORCE… What the literal fuck? A psychopath, I tell you, considering how many of those fuckers beheaded their wives because they weren’t allowed to divorce via the Catholic church. Catherine Howard’s Fate was undeserved.
Since the spiritual body is being raped so commonly, so frequently, in this digital age of never mentally resting, it will accept shamanic or reiki healing which equates to rape of the mental, emotional, and physical body. It is begging for help from every source possible. This is the status quo of over 2 billion people on Earth, according to God. So, if you have it in you, focus your energy on healing yourself, then after you feel great again, heal others. Send healing to planet Earth in your imagination and it will flow wherever the need is the greatest.
It is proven that if you get 1% of the world’s population praying for peace, then all incidents of crime around the globe will fall during the active prayer or meditation period. They experimented with ~800 priests or spiritual entities to prove it and during the meditation, crime rates and violence fell significantly.
If we sat around all day thinking about world peace actively… we’d be contributing to The Solution(T.M.). However, so many of us are watching apocalyptic movies, feeling hatred for humanity, listening to hate music, making the whole of Earth sick as we rape the plants and animals in order to grow exponentially, focusing on the “Humane thing to do,” which is to keep people alive for as long as possible at the expense of the natural world all around us. It is to dig up the Earth’s bounty and treasures and create dwellings to keep humans safe and whatever pet they deign to bestow their bounty onto. The Superior Beings of Earth, supposedly.
I’ll take wildlife over the likes of the rest of you any day. The animals don’t LIE. They don’t embrace FANTASY. They don’t TRICK YOU. (Well, they can try, but their motivations are transparent: they need food, exercise, the bathroom, or love.) They can only operate within the parameters of their nature, be it prey or predator, and they will treat you like you treat them. If you ignore them and don’t give them what they need, they will claw you or piss on your clothes or eat your bras. They will misbehave to get more attention… but it’s your fault they’re misbehaving. If you want a well-behaved pet, you have to invest in cuddle time, in eye contact time, sometimes in hand-to-mouth feeding time. You have to give them comfort and stimulation both to have the happiest animals on the planet, ones that won’t misbehave, ones that are friendly to others.
If you see a dog who is vicious and mean, you know the owner is the same. They are poison.
My cat claws the shit out of me for not giving him or her enough lap cuddles or pets. It’s my fault. I ADOPTED THEM. THEY DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE. WE CAPTURED IT AND SUBMITTED IT TO A LIFE OF SERVITUDE.
Next time, I will adopt a stray. There’s a black cat I see once a week outside, I’m thinking he’s my next fur baby. He might only come around once a week, but it’ll be fine… the better I treat him, the more he’ll appear. That’s how I know they consent to being captured and confined by yours truly. I have learned much by being a pet mother — and a terrible one at that, once other men were involved in my life. Every single time I think I’ve found a partner, somehow it drives me further away from my animals. I’m still in recovery over this. I keep them confined in another space until I’ve done my work and then I let them roam to cry at me and get pets and comfort and extra food and treats and catnip and all of it. Soon, I will just go to the coffee shop with a laptop for a few hours a day to do my writing and computer time, then return home to give them real time attention and affection as I do chores and the like. They will no longer be confined as much. They still live indoors because I’ve subverted their natural distrust for other beings.
I happen to know already if I give my little princess all the time she desires, she will sit on my lap up to six hours a day. Sometimes, my mother is a fine proxy for this activity, but not always. My mother is happy to sit, reading away, so let her be The Lap(T.M.).
I think part of my problem is looking at people who don’t already own cats. So here’s a shout out to all cat men. You rock! Keep on trucking, and remember those cats need cuddles and catnip. And maybe a laser pointert. I can never make myself do the laser pointer anymore; I used to. I just don’t enjoy getting them riled up. But they need it as exercise. If I want my 15 year old brats to live a while longer, I’ll have to take it back up. Especially since I’m oblivious to flirting most of the time and I truly believe no one will ever want to date me without knowing who I am first (like reading this diary), nor do I want to date anyone who doesn’t already know who I am first… because I’m WEIRD(T.M.). I’m neuro-divergent, atypical. Autistic. Heyoka. I understand this now, and it explains why it always hurts me to date neurotypical people.
Y’all treat each other like shit, just so you know. You heap hate on each other because you hate yourselves and/or believe you do not deserve to be happy. You don’t love yourselves because you never identified the habits you embody that you hate in yourself. You never devoted the energy and time to work on changing it, one baby step at a time, walking slowly into A Better You(T.M.).
So if you want a new year’s resolution you can actually stand keeping, here’s what I suggest:
SIT DOWN AND ANALYZE YOUR EMOTIONS DAILY.
Angel-Sansara 