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Resentment is No Answer

Resentment is No Answer.

But chuck roast might be.

Something about this telepathy circus in my head is changing. Sometimes, I swear God is just putting me back through all that I experienced the first time to force me to evolve back into my Self(T.M.).

I’m moving beyond the anger, perhaps by expressing anger where it should be expressed. Of course, God only knows whether or not if it is just and righteous. He wrote it, anyway, so, you know. I assume it is.

But it could also be a falsehood.

There is always that minuscule chance that this entity aligning my spine again isn’t God at all, but I kind of doubt it’s a human. He (or she) would have to know all the nuances of back muscles. And telepathy.

However, I do not know all about the nuances of those back muscles, so it is an entity outside of myself. There is no doubt about that at all.

She’s cray-cray, paw paw, get off that durned podcast already!

I can’t help myself sometimes.

Nor do I want to this time.

Maybe that’s the true bottom line. I could reserve my silly comments and fail to be my True Self(T.M.) at you. Or I can just be authentic and let you hear my voice. Not my literal physical voice, but the voice that creates these words before they are read by Artificially Intelligent voices. [Click here for a playlist of my podcasts.] Every writer has a voice and all the great ones are indirect and impersonal in diction. In fact, it’s how I realized not all human beings are evil monsters… by reading books. Science fiction books.

That’s my mom’s main happy point in the world of literature. She’ll read just about anything, including Patterson and other New York number one best sellers, but the ones she loves are written by Andre Norton and Anne McCaffrey and Isaac Asimov. In fact, I think her favorite book is The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley, since we have three broken copies and a fourth she still re-reads.

I read it once and I am thinking about reading it again. It’s rare for me to digest a story a second time because most of them are highly predictable and boring. I gave up on being entertained a million years ago. However, in The Blue Sword, the characters have super powers akin to Super Man in some ways, from what I vaguely recall. Thus, I am interested in remembering more than that superficial point. I also recall it being an easy read, which means Ms. McKinley is a pretty good writer. And I recall it espousing a romance. So, you know, she has written exactly what I plan to write, but different than what I plan to write.

And this is where I pause. Why? Because if I go re-read that book, I might be more influenced by it than I want to be in what I’m about to create. I might accidentally make a Blue Sword 2 when really I want to make a Sansara Original One.

A lot of times, I will sit down to watch something, and around the fifteen minute mark, I know the ending. It’s because it’s Same Story, Different Day. I am the code cracker. There are only about 100 different stories we tend to tell each other. And I’m bored of it! I’m so bored, I’m going to write something new. I’m going to step sideways.

I don’t know if you can figure it out even if I write ten novels, but I can give it a shot, I suppose. I mean, I only have the rest of my life to be miserably bored. And lonely.

I had to face that one a few days ago. It took almost two years of The Chaos, The Loki, turning me this way and that to look at men for me to acknowledge that now, finally, I am finally feeling a tad lonely. Just a little, mind you. Nothing to give me the impetus to actually try to find a date for the sake of creating a partnership. Everything before today was geared toward being pulled toward other men (or pushed, as it were, by one very psychopathic NICHOLAS FORSYTHE) endlessly.

Bro, I don’t need a man to be complete. You should know better. You’re projecting. Or am I projecting now?

I don’t need a man to be complete. I know this. I don’t think most human beings know this. If they do, why aren’t there more stories about being strong and alone? Like Xena. Why aren’t there more stories about working on yourself, grooming your soul for The Afterlife(T.M.)? (Sadly, not even Rocky qualifies, guys.) Or even a story about preparing for having a relationship. It’s valuable to groom the soul for a relationship. We’re too focused on the chase, not the pre-chase or the post-chase. For me, there is no chase. I choose to be in a relationship or I don’t. There is no need to sit around asking yourself Does She or Doesn’t She because all you have to do is ask… and the secret is that I don’t believe love has a certain brand of sunglasses to wear or a certain profile in silhouette, either. True Love(T.M.) is simply the love between two parties who agree to make it work.

While I was plotting out my novel’s ideas, I kept getting influenced by shit that is not me. “Oh, he’s into another woman, that’s why the protagonist doesn’t bite when he solicits her for sex! As soon as she says no, he runs off and fucks the next woman he sees!” that one came up like five times. Each time I tried to think of where I wanted the story to go, something I didn’t care for came up. As in, I didn’t even get time to think. It was just there.

Anyone else’s brain do this?

Tell me, do you have schizophrenia?

I don’t. Why would it be going away? Why would it be onset on March 3, 2021 (yes, I know the fucking date down to the time of day, actually) after so many years of complete sanity and rationality, directly after the first Kundalini attunement cleansed and opened my chakras? Why, why, why?!

I’ll tell you why: it’s not schizophrenia. It’s nothing other than The Kundalini Awakening(T.M.). I even felt the dragon unfurl or crawl up my spine, or maybe it wrapped around it. I felt it happen. I even wrote it out in another diary, which I will divulge later. You have to wait for Legal Proceedings first, sadly.

I turned to God today and I said to Him emphatically, “You cursed me with every insanity of human kind and made me rationally combat it, didn’t you?”

Yes, he absolutely did that.

One of the worst ones is delusions of grandeur. It must be quite common amongst human kind, it was the hardest one to slay. I had to stop and tell Them(T.M.) that although I am capable of being amazing, I cannot possibly please all human beings and all spacelings. Not with one single book. They were trying to tell me that my book was going to be ground-breaking and such like.

Now on the other hand, it could also be the predictive forces inside me, warning me that we’re about to be extremely popular somehow.

Why now? she doth wondered aloud, scuffing the dirt with a shoe.

So here are the things They said:

  1. Networking 101 guy is going to listen to my podcast. In fact, about 1/4 of all people I used to know are going to listen to my podcast. AND recognize my former self. [Just know I am a different person now, thanks. And we could be friends, but I’m going to have an important role to fulfill that takes up all my time… Sorry.]
  2. I’m going to end up getting letters written to me and/or lots of Discord activity out of all this. I guess that’s reasonable. Know one thing: THE MESSAGE IS CONSENT. If you rape anyone, I am kicking you out and banning you. Be kind and rewind.
  3. People are going to pay me to write. [Hah. Sure they will.]
  4. That Dude is going to find me writing Somewhere(T.M.) and talk to me.
  5. I’m going to be awarded an honorary PhD in psychology and be able to practice as a psychotherapist (if I want to) just for writing all my observations and thoughts out.
  6. I’m going to be diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder because of the fact that I dissociated in That One Relationship and never stopped. I actually took one personality and parented the other personality with it.
  7. Every one of my ex-rapists is going to be upset by the fact that I’m still fucking awesome, apparently. Beyond their wildest dreams, in fact.
  8. I’m going to have people throw their time and effort at me in order to fulfill my True Destiny as The Savior of Mankind(T.M.). (The real question is: CAN YOU LISTEN? I have a very clear idea of my vision and I’m NOT compromising. TYNNE.)
  9. You will all fall in love with me.
  10. People will be inspired to write music, novels, movies, and video games.
  11. We will turn my book into a movie or a show of some sort.
  12. I will be able to pay to clean up the ocean and save the rainforests and everything on behalf of planet Gaia, Earthlings, and Spacelings everywhere.
  13. A lot of people are going to diagnose themselves as autistic.
  14. A lot of psychopaths are going to be uncovered.
  15. A lot of psychopaths that didn’t start as psychopaths will revert to empaths.
  16. A ton of voiceless victims will become Survivors(T.M.).
  17. Because of me, the court system of America will change. [Blame God, then thank Him. Her. Them.]
  18. Because of me, we will meet The Spacelings(T.M.). They’re already around; the truth is out there. [X-files moment.]
  19. Humanity will, ultimately, reform itself or die.
  20. Love will rule the day again.
  21. Control and coercion will be retired.
  22. Spirituality will dominate our lives once more, being part of everything we do rather than an afterthought.
  23. Art and tourism will be the primary trade of Gaia.
  24. Money may well be retired, but we have to decide on it together.
  25. Euthanasia will become de facto for any age, after ample psychotherapy is given to determine the root cause for wishing to pass. (Mandatory psychotherapy should probably have an age limit, but it’s irresponsible to force people to be alive if they don’t want to.)
  26. “Global commerce” will use less resources. We will cultivate that which we want on our own continent. Period, the End.
  27. More people will work from home for the rest of their lives.
  28. More people will be self-employed than ever before.
  29. Corporations will destabilize and fall apart where applicable.
  30. Governments will change.

There’s more, but my roast is ready, y’all.

Namaste… & Buckle up, Buttercup!

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