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New Year, New You

“Let’s have a coffee chat,” God suggests.

Crystal screams, “NO! You bastard! I have something much more important to write.”

It’s a great time to make some resolutions to be a better person. I think the majority of Americans are making a resolution to lose weight right now, and they will shame themselves in about two months when they fail to reproduce the promised result through diet and exercise.

“I limited my calories,” you’d tell me, and you sure did! “I went to the gym, but I lost interest again,” you’ll say, and it’s true.

Let me make this super easy for you. I’ll help you meat your goal. I mean, meet.

It’ll probably save you money but it won’t save you time. Can you invest the extra time in yourself? Do you really want to get better?

Understand that your waist line isn’t your impetus to changing your diet and losing weight. It seems like it, because society says skinny is sexy. But the real reason you want to lose weight is to feel good. On the inside, I mean. You’d know what I mean if you followed my trajectory to my near death experience for yourself, but I discovered a better way.

You’re going to need to commit to the following things:

  1. A covered roasting pan. [Link to a sale]
  2. A mindset change: you don’t eat out anymore (until you know what your body can handle.)
  3. A reliable scale. Bluetooth scales exist, btw, which is pretty nifty. Plus you can use an app to track your weight loss and gain to see the ups and downs.
  4. An understanding of your genetic makeup would be useful, but it’s optional.
  5. A source of bulk supplies if you are on a strict budget.
  6. An hour a day (or more, depending on your meal), but not completely active.
  7. A notebook and a pen. Stop using that phone for everything, your neck is begging for you to change position.

You can keep a digital record on a computer without a problem as long as you have an ergonomic setup, of course.

So how do you do it? You must be wondering.

First, take a look at your kitchen. Is it clean? Tidied up? Check your pantry. Note that most of everything in that pantry is the reason you are fat. It doesn’t matter what is in those containers, either, it’s just so old it doesn’t have nutritional value to speak of, so you require more of it to feel satisfied.

Take a look in your refrigerator. Is that clean, too? Is it tidied up? Did you organize it by function fulfilled? You’ll want to wash it out completely at some point in order to maximize your recovery. Potentially, something in there is a lethal toxin to your guts.

Take a look at your keeperware. Does it look in tact? Are you still using Zip Loc baggies? Plan to buy things you have to wash instead, especially Glasslock or Tupperware. Air is the enemy to our food, but plastic waste is the enemy of the environment. Why save only yourself? We can save the planet together and tack on another resolution you didn’t even have to begin with. A more fulfilling one, too, once you stop throwing your money away. Literally.

But Crystal, I’m like, an executive. How can I make time for all these changes?

I told you that you need one hour a day.

That’s seven hours a week in order to have at least twenty more years of life later on. Is that cool?

By the way, what I’m going to tell you is going to eliminate some of the need for that meditation stuff they’re throwing at you from all angles now. Although it’s good for your soul, it’s not absolutely necessary. You don’t need these 10 million tips about how to be a better employee. You need to learn how to save the world and I’m going to teach you right now.

If you could resolve to create a wildflower garden in March, that would be one you can save the world. The keeperware is another. The bees are endangered. I figured out what will replace them, I’m pretty sure, if we lose them… flies. You know what else flies eat, right? Can you imagine e. coli in every vegetable and fruit?

Anyway. Now that our sponsored time for the bees is over, I’ll tell you what you need to do to lose weight.

Get that roaster pan.

Buy the kind of plant oil (unsaturated) that you like best from the grocery store. If it’s liquid at room temperature, it’s unsaturated. Buy as big a bottle as you can manage, it will pay for itself in results. (Make sure you like it first, though.) I prefer avocado oil just because it tastes the most like butter to me. Olive oil is probably the cheapest quality oil you can get, but I’ve never liked olive oil. Something tells me sunflower seed oil is also great but I only eat chips fried in it so I’m not exactly sure. Don’t turn to nut oils, though… I’m going to recommend actual nuts and you need a lot of variety for nutrition, supposedly. (I am actually on the fence about that.)

Get a multi-vitamin if you haven’t gotten one. Eventually, you shouldn’t need it. Be careful about iron, menfolk and menopausal womenfolk.

Buy mineral water or spring water as your drinking water. (You can use other waters to make soup or coffee but it’s best to use spring water.)

Get a B vitamin complex if you hate veggies or if you’ve been feeling routinely lethargic or if your pee isn’t quite yellow. (If it’s dark, you probably could use a checkup or doc visit, but I won’t make you… just get the biggest B complex pill you can find and start chugging water. That’s what I do. I know for a fact dark urine is renal (kidney) failure and will be serious if you do not address it and fix it or see a doctor about it.)

Alright, now I’m going to tell you important things about all those supplements before I move on to the next part:

  1. Vitamin B and C are water soluble. They will not be absorbed by a dehydrated body. Period, the end.
  2. Vitamins A, D, E, and K are fat soluble. They will not be absorbed by a body that does not have access to ample fat.
    See a problem in your former approach already?
  3. Purified water leeches minerals and nutrients from the body.
  4. SALT is one of the top five minerals required by the body.

This is your foundation, by the way, for rapid recovery from a nutrient-sparse diet. You should be able to get off the multi-vitamin one day (as well as the B complex.) I want to warn you of one thing, however… being deficient in minerals doesn’t have a specific signal or warning that I’ve noticed. You get sick more, that’s about it. You might feel a bit weaker but it’s so gradual you’d never notice it. Your brain stops working as well but you would need someone else who sees you infrequently to know better (like a DOCTOR. Did you know you should find a doctor who has real conversations with you to talk to while dieting? Now you know and knowing is half the battle… YO JOE! [~G.I. JOE!~])

Okay, here’s the diet:


You should check with Google to fact check everything I say next:

  1. Men “require” more protein than women. 1/2 pound of meat per day for women, up to 1 pound per day for men. An active woman can eat more, an inactive man should eat less.
  2. Your pee should be pale sunflower yellow. If it’s not, you have a problem. SEE A DOCTOR, DIMWIT. (Or drink more water, if it’s just not pale. Still not sunny yellow? DOCTOR TIME.)
  3. A woman requires more fat in a day than a man. My base recommendation is 1/2 cup of fat for men and 1 cups for women. (Use less or more to suit your own needs.) P.S. Constipated? This will fix it.
  4. Non-starchy veggies are an ‘unlimited’ thing. Eat as many as you need to feel satisfied. Spacing it out over six meals instead of three will help raise your metabolism. (Or you can do some moderate exercise, like deep cleaning the house while waiting for the roaster pan full of delicious food or even twenty minutes of yoga.)

Do this for six weeks. This is an extreme elimination diet and will give your body a break from any toxins you are ingesting. THIS IS WHERE YOU NEED TO START TAKING NOTES. Find that notebook and a pen, or use your phone if you really want a headache later, and write down what you eat outside of this diet plan and how you feel.

IF the vegetables and meats you selected (as well as the oil) are completely tolerable to your body, you will have a ton of energy for no reason after six weeks. (Well, the reason is adequate nutrition, honestly.) What I eat is the following: roast beef, (baby) carrots (sparingly), broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, asparagus, cabbage, onions, garlic, basil, oregano, and salt.

I’ve since added avocado, blue corn tortilla chips fried in sunflower oil, nuts, and apples. However, I am held back by a dairy allergy… and a family member who refuses to quit dairy for my health. I had no idea I had a problem with dairy until I nearly died, so you might also have a problem and have no idea what the source is.

So how do you add foods and know if you can tolerate them?

You write down how they make you feel. You binge eat them up to three times on three separate days. If you feel tired or unwell, you know your body is not processing that food, so stay away for a while. It takes 3-5 days for that food to leave your system, so take notes of all the changes you experience from the baseline. It is possible your guts will eventually heal and you can get it back, but try an allergy test and/or an intolerance test before simply putting it back into your body. (Otherwise, you’ll just redo all the damage you spent time fixing. Bummer, right?) These tests can cost up to $1,000.00 USD out of pocket in totality. It will save you a lifetime of misery, however. Can you put a price on happiness? I think I just did.

I go overboard on everything. I waited six months to add foods back, eating that short list up above, losing weight like magic. LIKE MAGIC. Did I say Magic? I lost 40 pounds without trying. I hope you get the same magical results. (Don’t forget those vitamin supplements because I can assure you that all the nutrients needed by the human body aren’t in that small list of foods.)

There are two methods to making your veggies taste like delicious. One is to stir fry them (use a wok if you are making veggies for more than one person this way), and the other is to roast ’em. I prefer roasting because a) it tastes better, b) I can get other chores done, c) I’m lazy.

POUR your oil into the pan or wok. Coat the bottom of it generously! You don’t want your delicious foodstuffs to stick to it (or your teeth), plus that makes it harder to clean up later. (Who wants that?) Take your bag of baby carrots — I know you people, you love that sugar — and open it. DUMP IT IN. Shake the pan side to side or otherwise maximize them touching the bottom of the pan. Grab a head of broccoli (what? it’s great for you!) or a bag of florets if you’re ultra lazy and dump that in, too. (Cut up the head of broccoli first into whatever size you like.) Cover the pan and put it into your pre-heated oven at 350F for 55 minutes. GO WATCH A SHOW if you’re too sick to clean. 🙂 This is when I do the dishes or wipe down counters or sweep or Swiffer. (Or all of the above.)

This is the first meal to The New You(TM). Once it’s ready, if you’re a lady, add another tablespoon of oil (or if you just took your multi!), sprinkle with some tasty salt (we prefer nothing iodized ourselves), and scarf it down. Don’t be afraid to eat the whole thing. Honestly, it has about as much calorie value as a dressed up salad.

Oh and just to note… we don’t do salad anymore. After years and years of trying to make green leaves tasty, we decided to ditch it for more broccoli. We are allergic to or intolerant of:

  1. KALE
  2. SUGAR (candida yeast overgrowth to blame)
  3. DAIRY
  4. GLUTEN (wheat, barley, rye)
  5. EGGS
  7. YELLOW & WHITE CORN (including corn starch, popcorn)
  8. NIGHTSHADES (eggplant, tomato, potato, paprika, peppers, goji berries, ashwagandha, curry spice, etc. Goodbye, Taste of India. :[ )
  9. BLACK PEPPER (and white, no less)
  10. IODINE
  11. FISH (because of iodine)
  15. GRAINS (too much starch for sedentary lifestyle, candida yeast overgrowth)
  16. FUNGI (yeast, mushrooms, molds)
  17. CITRUS (lemons, limes, oranges, grapefruit)
  21. BEETS
  22. I don’t want to bore you, so I’ll stop there. The point is that most of these foods are touted for their extreme health benefits but I can’t eat them.

After doing the extreme elimination diet for six months and adding in one of the above foods (a single banana or a kale + nut + oil + salt “salad”), I gained 3 pounds like clockwork. CLOCKWORK! How on Earth can one gain 3 pounds after eating one serving of mashed potatoes!?!

I know, you are must be feeling disbelief, just like I did at first. This is where that reliable scale comes in handy. You need to step on it between your daily shower and getting dressed, before you put anything into your body, even coffee or water. Record it if you want to. What you need to see is that number going up or down; it’ll tell you when you’re feeding yourself correctly. It’ll be weight loss + complete satiety.

Now you can see why we went overboard and did the base diet for six months. I’m allergic to nearly everything because of that undiagnosed dairy problem. I ate all the above foods with dairy when I didn’t know better and I might never be able to eat them but it’s going to take a long time to find out. I don’t think nightshades really agree with anyone, but you should find out for yourself. You can lie to yourself over whether or not you can eat a food, by the way, but your gut knows the difference and pays the price. You are murdering yourself, one bite at a time, if you continue to eat that which you are allergic or intolerant of.

On the flip side, you will know lots of energy, you will see chronic infections go out the window, especially sinusitis and IBS (I don’t have concrete proof of that, but my mother is a willing test subject and she’s doing a lot better on this diet.)

Actually, let me go ahead and talk about her…

She has COPD, IBS, has had cancer in the past, has circulation issues that are not fully diagnosed yet, though they haven’t found a clot! she crowed after her appointment. I think she’s diabetic but no one has taken the blood work to find out. Her toes are purple when she eats crap and they look normal if I can get her to eat what I eat long enough. Her edema (swelling) goes down as she continues to stay on the diet. Not to mention she finally understands she feels tons better when I feed her as opposed to when my father has his way with the meals.

In fact, I fed her spaghetti on purpose right before a doctor’s appointment to try to make her understand how bad it’s making her. I wrote down her symptoms for the same doctor and sent her in with the paper. She told me afterward they photocopied it for their records and she took it to the specialist she was then referred to. They still don’t know what’s wrong with her and it’s been months now.

She’s had two known strokes and a brain aneurysm in the past.

I know what’s wrong with her because it’s the same thing wrong with me: DAIRY! GLUTEN! SUGAR! YEAST!

It could be what’s wrong with you, too. I know it’s so tasty! But I have learned one thing… after we rape our own bodies enough by shoving down food it cannot tolerate, that which tastes the best to us is the poison. We are trying to kill ourselves and we don’t even know it. That doesn’t mean you cannot eat for flavor, it means you have to evolve what “flavor” means to something good for your body instead.

I am sad to tell you that my mother ate pizza yesterday and, most likely, today, my father is going to try to pawn food off on her after he orders it and fails to eat it. He’s in the hospital, dying of dysentery or blood infection or something heinous — maybe even gangrene. It’s unclear to me what he’s been diagnosed with, if anything. Her toes, which had looked better, are now back to purple. Her swelling went back up. She had brain fog and fatigue from it. She got sick from a slice of pizza. The food he craved.

Something tells me the bone marrow sample they took from this poor anemic man has gone wrong; he has an infection in his bones and he’s never coming home. Will they admit they did this? I have no clue, but I want to see their notes. I can’t because I don’t have the privilege of being on that short list of people who gets to know what’s going on, but even my mother does not know.

He’s dying of the same thing, ultimately, as my mother: DAIRY! He refuses to acknowledge it, but there are sporadic episodes where he does not consume dairy. I feel bad because he was having one when I fed him mashed potatoes made with real milk. After months of making them with soy milk (he could not tell the difference) and avocado oil rather than faux butter (still couldn’t tell the difference), he wasn’t doing so terribly… but then I made them with some milk that needed to be used up and he winds up in the hospital.

But he avoided eating spaghetti after I noted he ended up in the hospital right after he ate it at home three times in a row. If he does come home from this, I’m depriving him of dairy completely. It’s the only way to save his life and make him regain the will to live. He’s been ready to die for half the year now, but he can’t take the pain from it and ends up in the hospital once a month every month. Until he skipped the spaghetti… and fell face first into Christmas mashed potatoes. He says his medications are ruining his stomach because he started throwing up banana two days ago. Banana is on my no-no list…

Could you be dying of dairy or some health food you added to try to be healthier? Did your diet drastically change since childhood? Did you start adding more cheese or milk because you can afford it or you used to have it at school and now it’s habit? Did you add kale or citrus because you’re told how good it is for you?

Is your blood pressure high? Are you straining to do simple things that used to be effortless? Do you get a lot of headaches? Do you feel foggy in your brain when you eat these foods? Does your back hurt a lot? Is it the day after you eat dairy or kale? Two days? Three? Is your vision weakening and getting worse? Are you generally struggling to do everything you used to do before?


Get those vitamins, get a giant bottle of avocado oil, get a whole pallet of spring water if you can! Make anything gentle on your body for your next meal, and I don’t mean oatmeal, WOMAN! That’s where I went myself, thinking I was fine eating lots of oatmeal. You can’t… the reasons we crave bread and carb-y things is that they fortify wheat with B vitamins. They add the vitamins you need from fruit and veg to the wheat. They don’t add that to oatmeal. It’s a raw material and it doesn’t have enough to keep you alive.

I’d suggest roasted brussel sprouts. After 55 minutes (350F) in that roasting pan, they have the same consistency as mashed taters. Maybe your vision isn’t great, so you add in a handful of carrots. Don’t be afraid to eat an entire head of broccoli or three fistfuls of brussel sprouts or half a head to a whole head of cauliflower (depending on size, naturally.) Don’t be afraid to stir fry up a whole pound of asparagus for 2 minutes on burner mark 7, slathering oil all over the bottom of the pan first and preheating the pan for 2 minutes to get it all nice and hot and ready for magic. Once you stir fry that asparagus for two minutes, throw some nice pink Himalayan salt on top of that. Mangia! as they say in Italy. Eat it for a satisfying salty, oily CRUNCH if you like dem tater chips and French fries.

Five minutes to satisfy that craving. (Preheat the pan for 2 minutes for best results. You may need a splatter screen if there’s any moisture on your asparagi, as I like to call multiple asparagus spears.)

Eat carrots if the craving for sweets gets overwhelming. Add salt to everything.

P.S. A large pot roast will feed an adult woman for five days and takes about 2.5 hours to make (or less in that roasting pan because it amplifies the heat.) Cut into fifths and put each fifth into an air tight container until you’re ready to reheat & eat. You can skip meat for two days a week; call it intermittent meat fasting if it tickles you pink.

If you buy a lean roast @ Sam’s Club, that’s about $19-20 for your weekly protein. A bag of brocc florets costs about $4.50, a bag of carrots cost about the same, a bag of asparagus costs about $6.00, a bag of avocados costs about $4.50, the veggie medley is about $4.20. When they have brussel sprouts, it’s about $4.50. Do not buy frozen… age == less nutrition. However, if you already have frozen, use it up! Make room! You can always freeze meat you’re waiting to cook up… Sam’s sometimes has “last chance” clearance prices. Meat loses less nutrition while frozen, it seems (at least the texture is unaffected…)

I’d suggest for one week on this diet, you start by buying one pot roast and two bags of each of those veggies except asparagus. You need to cut the bags open immediately once you get home so the vegetables can breathe, otherwise it’ll condensate in the fridge and become yucky. Note that asparagus goes bad faster than avocados.

This recommendation costs about $315.00 per month. That’s one roast, 2 bags brocc florets, two bags carrots, two bags of avocados, one bag of asparagus WEEKLY. The avocado oil is $10 at Sam’s for a liter and I imagine for one person, you only need 1-2 bottles. If you get the blue corn tortilla chips from Sam’s, that’s another $25.00 for the month.

I eat up to two avocados a day with these chips (depending on how active my day is.) The chips are starchy. If your life is sitting on the couch doing nothing, just sub the avocados with cauliflower or brussel sprouts from another store. I’m trying to keep you to one-stop shopping because when you’re sick, you need to spend time resting. (They also have cat, dog, and bird food, usually, btw, not to mention dog treats and toys.)

P.P.S. You absolutely need carbs, just not starches. And stop eating popcorn and leavening agents for a while… you’ve forgotten they hurt. Especially when the popcorn is not drowning in fats.

P.P.P.S. Gas is cheaper by about 30 cents a gallon @ Sam’s Club in my area & I get cash back for it. The membership pays for itself by the end of the year.

P.P.P.P.S. OH… and if you like turkey, the 18″ Granite Ware roasting pan will fit up to an 18 pound bird in it (uncovered, without overflow! but there won’t be much room to toss in veg with a bird that big. Turnips might be a nice change. I recommend peeling them. They act like potatoes but they take at least 15 minutes longer to make and they are a lower starch food.)

And one final thought…

They sell vitamins and B complexes, too.

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