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I have seen Satan!

“I have seen Satan!” she declared suddenly. God had just called someone that. You have to understand that in God’s world, Satan is a title. Just like God is a title. Well, in God’s case, it’s also her name.

God smiled down at her child as she continued to speak. “He’s a short man who is bald and has overcompensated for it by growing a stupidly long and disgusting beard that traps all kinds of crumbs and molecules of ick,” Crystal expounded. God couldn’t help but laugh, knowing she was describing a man in the U.K. A man named Nicholas David Forsythe, of Leicestershire, England.

They’d never met, but she was well aware of his appearance because the jerk sent her photographs from time to time. That was before The Incident(TM).

“He sounds like one of the Beatles, he loves bacon and pork, and he drinks loads of coffee.” She was on a roll now, it would seem. “And he’s an asshole for leading me on for over a decade and then worming his way into my brain telepathically, throwing a fucking temper tantrum and ruining my life just because he loves me and can’t figure out how to say I LOVE YOU, no matter how many times I’ve said it to him.”

Nick was displeased. Surely, the woman could hear the words in everything he said and did, just like Westley in The Princess Bride?

She would have. If he did that. God is here, remember, Nicky boy?

I’m going to rewrite the Bible. Again. I got halfway through and Nick deleted it for me, claiming that someone, somewhere, was going to burn me at the stake or dissect me alive for changing it. That there would be some uproar and disaster.

Well, I’m suicidal anyway, so let’s get started!


The Red Sea – Geography & History Lesson

CREDIT: I learned everything really important here from The Wikipedia.

Before we start talking about a historical recounting of events, it is important we understand our geography and facts about that geography. As you may know, Egypt is in Africa. Africa is still a largely wild continent; the last place on Earth with pirates who are openly pirates. (Here’s looking at you, Somalia.) Speaking of Somalia, it borders the area we’re about to discuss.

You will find present day EGYPT, SUDAN, ETHIOPIA, and SAUDI ARABIA in the most north-easterly portion of Africa and the attached middle-east. All of these countries border THE RED SEA. Egypt is especially well poised for trade, having coastline on the Mediterranean sea, as well. Sail boats FTW, I guess. (Maybe even row boats, depending on how far you’re going.) As you might know, the Suez canal was created as an artificial link between the Mediterranean and Red Sea, which was completed in 1869.

Map Source.

Many of the stories of the Bible take place in this region of the world. So many stories include Jerusalem, Israel and Damascus, Syria. These are the capitals of these two countries and they are incredibly close together. And, if you note, Cairo is not much further away. At that time, there was no channel of water through the isthmus of Suez.

Another item of note on this map is MECCA, which is the holiest city of Islam. Oh my God, Sansara, why are you teaching us about assholes in another religion? Because we’re irreligious, asshole, and we’re going to talk about all the holy scriptures, not just yours. Now buckle up, buttercup, and stop wasting my time by objecting. You know how to read exactly what you want to hear.

Mecca is the fountainhead and cradle of Islam, revered as the birthplace of Muhammad (peace be upon him.) The Quran was revealed to Muhammad (pbuh) atop a mountain nearby called Jabal al-Nur, the Mountain of Light. The Great Mosque of Mecca is believed to have been built by ABRAHAM and ISHMAEL. (pbuh x2)

Other things of note in this same region include Amman, capital of Jordan, also the ancient Greek “Philadelphia.” Beirut, Lebanon is also a nearby capital. This is the third largest city in the Levant region and it borders the Mediterranean.

There are some incredibly important rivers in these regions, as well, named Euphrates, Tigris, and of course the world-famous Nile, which flows backwards compared to all the other rivers. The delta of the Nile is where Cairo and Alexandria, Egypt are both located (and, of course, Suez very close by.)

Cairo, Egypt is home to the Giza pyramid complex, Memphis, and Heliopolis. It first began life as a Muslim conquest of Egypt and was settled as the name “Fustat” next to the ancient Roman fortress of Babylon. It is rich in Islamic architecture and known as “the city of a thousand minarets.” The world’s second oldest institution of learning is located here, named Al-Azhar University these days. Today, Cairo is home to 10 million people and is classified as a World City with a “Beta +” classification according to GaWC. [Wikipedia, my friends, is your friend.] Cairo spans over 175 square miles of space in the modern world and has been home to the Arab League for the majority of its existence. It is the proud home and origination of the oldest and largest cinema and music industry in the Arab world.

Asyut is also likely to be of relevance, which was originally named Lycopolis. It is the capital of the modern Egyptian government. Lycopolis means “wolf city”, but before that name, it had another which translated to “Guardian.” As you may well know, Egypt has an ancient pantheon of gods and goddesses and Asyut is/was prominently into worshiping two funerary deities: Anubis and Wepwawet. The latter originally being a war deity.

Notice nothing I’ve recorded so far about this region has anything to do with WHITE PEOPLE.

THE RED SEA has many names, just as many names as it has countries bordering it, and probably a few more than that. But this poor white woman only knows white people geography, so please forgive her for being insolent and foolish. A more appropriate name is the Erythraean Sea, which is the same name, different language.

The Red Sea is the world’s northernmost tropical sea, home to over 1,000 invertebrate species and 200 types of soft and hard coral. We ruined it by adding a canal, pissing God off to no end, might I add, connecting the Mediterranean to the Erythraean Sea, which connected Mediterranean water (and thus life) to the Indian ocean. One of the most terrible things we’ve ever done was drag parasites from point A to point B, causing unknown but massive amounts of devastation and despair for the meek that will inherit the Earth as soon as I eradicate your dumb asses, God adds.

You corrupted the water for spice trade, trading poison to each other to eat. You are as dumb as a box of rocks and I’ll trade you for the box, if not also the rocks, you overgrown hairless monkeys.

“I’m arguing that the historical event happened in 1250 B.C., and the memories of it have been recorded in Exodus,” says Drews. “The people of the time gloried in God and gave God credit.”

Rather, Drews explains, the original phrase from the Hebrew translates as “Sea of Reeds” — and much historical and archaeological research has gone into determining exactly where and what that could have been. But Drews argues that it would have been to the north of the modern day Red Sea in the Eastern Nile Delta region, just south of the Mediterranean Sea.

Where, exactly? In the Biblical text, the parting of the “Red Sea” occurs when Moses (pbuh) and the Israelites are encamped by the sea “in front of Pi-hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea, in front of Baal-zephon.” You might think this place would be easy to locate, given the high level of specificity in the passage above, but there is actually much uncertainty and scholarly debate about what these names might actually refer to today. (It doesn’t help that the Nile Delta has shifted dramatically over time.)

The supposed “Red Sea” crossing, then, would have been from the point labeled “B” to Kedua, once waters piled up in the Lake of Tanis and a three or four kilometer long land-bridge opened between these two points.

That means that in Drews’ theory, the “Red Sea” or “sea of reeds” of Exodus was actually the Lake of Tanis. The lake “was a shallow brackish lagoon, and that was the ideal place for these papyrus reeds to grow,” says Drews. “So if you want to find a sea of reeds, even today, that’s it.”

[The Washington Post]

Spoiler Alert: There was no chase through a parting of the Red Sea.

Now that you know your fucking geography and some imbecile’s attempt to prove the Bible’s account happened, I’ll tell you a secret, Children of Urth: IT DID NOT HAPPEN.

Now I shall reveal to you what is actual truth about Moses, a prophet of the ISLAM faith. So what’s real? Is Moses the prophet of Christianity/Catholicism or is he the profit of Islam? Is he both?! Where does Judaism fit in all this?! I’m so confused, mom. Halp!

The very first thing I shall tell you is that these four religions are worshipping the same deific entity. These are four different flavors of the same message, some of them more corrupt than others. They are the same stories, modified here and there to appeal to different tribes. None of them are exact to the truth of all things, but some are closer than others. (Here’s looking at you, Quran.)

God does not give a shit what you call her. Nor does she actually care what gender you assign her. Or she didn’t, until you used it to declare superiority over womankind. Now? Now you have to face an ugly truth: Muhammad saw more of himself than of God and that’s how he went (minorly) astray. Is it terrible? No, not in and of itself. Has it become terrible? YES. It has become something that has minimized half the human race and reduced them to sex objects. They have no will or power of their own in most cases because men’s might makes them right. And, you know, Muhammad is a man.

I bestow upon you a female messiah for this reason alone. My message is not related to gender, sex, or anything of that nature. It is not related to flavors of human being that exist. (And now Crystal wonders if humans taste any good to God or not. She hopes it’s like eating bon bons or something like that, because, you know. Flavors!)

The beauty of autism. Such a serious conversation and she had a comment that injects some levity. She is the comic relief. Just remember that. If we say or do anything that amuses you, it is this human child, the only reason I haven’t banished you all to the depths of Hell and taken the world back from you as of yet. She woke me from my slumber and I’m grumpy AF and I don’t like what you did to all my animal friends. Not to mention the water you poisoned.

You are animals, you stupid !@*(#@#!@# I can’t even think of an appropriate name to call you. MUGGLES. You’re all MUGGLES. (Thanks, Joan.)

You are more obsessed with who fucked who and who belonged to the prophet’s tribe than the actual message in the scripture, so we’re going to throw them all away. The central characters will exist and that’s it. That’s rule #1 to the newest testament.

Rule #2: I will devolve into vitriol whenever I feel like it because you’ve written a shit show of zero relevance to the topic, CATHOLIC CHURCH, or should I say “secret” pedophile ring?


Rule #4: If you abuse her telepathy, I will abuse you.

Rule #5: Do no harm. [Crystal adds. You gotta have 5, it’s a prime number.] But what you fail to understand, Earthling, is that existing the way you exist does harm. You kill a nest of bees for daring to be anywhere near your home. You know, an endangered species that your lives count upon. I guarantee you that there is bee and wasp spray still in the hardware stores of America despite THE FACT THAT THE BEES ARE GOING EXTINCT. Why isn’t anyone talking about this anymore? You mentioned it for five whole minutes on the radio and now nothing. The dilemma has obviously passed! We are definitely not killing ourselves off with destruction of these poor little creatures, no no!

We deserve Hell. Not death, just HELL. Oh you thought God had all the vitriol? Nay, I’m on God’s side. You’re an asshole and I hate you. You kill everything in your way because it’s in your way. You speed down the roads, destroying poor little furry critters because you refuse to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. You’re far too important to save the life of a cat, a dog, a rabbit, or a beaver. FUCK YOU ALL.

I’m sorry, God, would you please take the mic back? I’m done now.

You were doing great, though, daughter of mine. It’s almost like you heard my message loud and clear! Why don’t you tell them the rest, and then I’ll write the real Exodus for them?

Okay. Small words, right? Hmmm… Crossing the boundary of another being against their will (without actually improving the greater good of all beings involved) is rape. Rapists begin with one raping (stealing his sister’s toy and destroying it, for a not-so-random example) and getting away with it. “Oh, he didn’t know what he was doing, Sarah Jean, we’ll just get you a new one. It’ll be all better then.” Wrong, Toto is now a rapist. Yeah, that’s right, I used the dog’s name from The Wizard of Oz. Or is it a band name? Or is it something else entirely?

“Toto” is Latin and comes from the root totus, “whole or entire.”

Oh, so the rapist gets to be entirely whole and the sister gets to cry and cry and cry, having been violated against her will and her fun destroyed for his sake and the whole thing swept under the rug?

God’s a genius, y’all.

Wait for it… there’s one more message… I have to think hard… DO NO HARM!

Making people cry is HARM. Killing bugs is HARM. Destroying ants nests is HARM. Just stop feeding them, you stupid motherfuckers. CLEAN YOUR DAMN HOUSE. Laying roads is HARM. Driving cars is HARM. Thanks, poison emissions! High VOC paint is HARM! PARABENS IS HARM! CFCS = HARM!!!!!!!!!! WORLD TRAVEL = HARM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything we do is harmful, but most of it is completely unnecessary to boot. That’s when God gets pissed right the fuck off, wouldn’t you know? Outside of eating and sleeping somewhere safe, you need nothing.

Do you know how much wildlife dies every time there’s a pilgrimmage to MECCA?! Do you know how much wildlife died with every canal built? Every motor boat that churns the water to move to and fro? Even sail boats cause misery from time to time, especially when they sink, but motorboats are far worse. What about oil spills? They happen all the time. No single rig in the sea or ocean has failed to spill at least one drop of oil. Do you know how little space is left for the other creatures on the planet thanks to us spreading out exponentially instead of figuring out true population control? Euthanasia, kids. We needs it.

And that is the end of God’s message. Stop forcing people to stay alive against their will — euthanize them so they don’t end up horribly damaged in a suicide attempt. You’re raping them. Put them through therapy first if you must, but understand that billions of you need to die. In fact I’m going to start killing you quite frequently soon, but gradually so that your bodies don’t cause even more strife.

P.S. FEED THE FUCKING WOLVES WITH YOUR BODIES. YOU ARE WORM FOOD AFTER DEATH. Your consciousness goes back to Source, which you label as Heaven. Your soul is immortal and does not die. WHEN you get to Heaven/Source, you will be sentenced based on your shitty life on Earth. I am the judge because I am the gatekeeper of all creation.

P.P.S. Evolution is still a thing. Life was accidental. I sneezed.

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