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I turned on Christmas music for my cats today. It just so happened that a terribly sad song about a last pair of Christmas shoes came on the radio. God began to cry because the woman who received those shoes had cancer and died a few days later. He started to tell me it was all his fault that Creation has gone to pot, but I interrupted him.

“God,” I said, “You know full well that it’s everybody’s fault, not just yours.”

God giggled at me uncontrollably. I had just reminded him of the upgraded rule we’d established as covenant between us: we are no longer door mats. Even if we have the majority of the blame lying with us, we are not the only party at fault.

He feels better knowing he took away free will going forward. It wasn’t a moment too soon, either. He also said that the human species is going to go into a steep decline soon. I believe it because I know what’s happening. It happened to me already, but nobody is listening. Because nobody is listening, they deserve to die. That is our judgment.

The most minute point of “wrong” is trending fashion. Dehumanizing women by putting them in clothes that are the same as being naked just so you can fantasize about them on all fours, screaming your name. You’re all dogs, by the way. You should love a woman in totality. You should be in love with her (naked) face. You should care about whether or not she’s in pain, emotionally stable, or a whole plethora of things. You should care. Instead, I’ve created a bunch of psychopaths and now I have to be a psychopath and kill them all. I don’t want to cry anymore over the travesty that has become the human species.

This is because men are DOGS.

Y’all demonize hijab, not even knowing why they wear it. They wear it so they’re not advertising their visage to men. So men have to look at their fucking faces — if they can even see their faces. If you want my opinion of mankind to rise to the point where I let the species live, start with this problem. The problem where you’re all trained to salivate and pant like dogs.

The women would have an easier time accepting your invasive nose to their crotch if you were a dog.

Next problem: MEN GET AWAY WITH RAPE. Rape is not some violent act. You think it is because that’s the most extreme form of forcing yourself onto a woman. The least extreme form is taking your wife to bed with a headache. Failure to get her there is RAPE. Getting her there on YOUR TIME is RAPE. These women have thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When your mind wanders from the act, so does theirs, jackass. Wandering mind == RAPE. Going too fast == RAPE. Not giving a shit about her satisfaction == RAPE.

Ladies, if your man doesn’t make you feel like a GODDESS after sex, it’s RAPE.

It’s really hard to rape a man. They have their ejaculation and then they become flaccid. You literally cannot keep going. You have to penetrate their derriere if you’re raping a man. So, LADIES, understand that this is not on you. They literally cannot be raped by a woman during heteronormative intercourse. Of course, that film named Disclosure highlights an important aspect of rape, which can occur in men, but generally speaking, a man don’t care how his dick get wet.

When a person says NO, you STOP. Otherwise, you’re a fucking rapist. If she doesn’t even look at you while having sex, then STOP. If she’s not obviously enjoying the experience, you STOP. Anything that’s not YES, YES, YES is NO, NO, NO. There is no such thing as a wifely duty… the passage in the Bible indicates you should have sex regularly as a married couple. That’s it. Not that it’s the woman’s job to give her body to her husband. That is your body, lady. Start acting accordingly.

Men rape themselves on a daily basis, spanking their monkeys far too wildly, thinking about porn stars or celebrities or their ex from nine months ago KENNY. They get so excited and all they want is the prize at the end of the journey. They’re missing out on how exciting it can be for 2+ hours at a time, squeezing it into their busy little schedules in fifteen minutes or less. Do you really think you’re gonna wow a lady that way, FREDDY?

If you came during foreplay, you did it wrong.

That’s our judgment.

Yep, I whole-heartedly agree with you, God. There’s no doubt about that. [Is she a sex therapist or what?]

She subscribed to a sexy newsletter as an 18 year old virgin and learned more tricks than the harlots downtown, boys. You all could do the same. [Click here for more information. We are not affiliated.]

Alternatively, Google the phrase “sex tips.” [Haha, she said tip.]

Understand now that all pornography is rape, even though the ladies consented to it originally. The moment the man “takes over” the scenario it becomes rape every time. Many of them distract themselves in order to last longer and longer. They do what they learned with one lady to the next, as if it’s magically going to make her come. If you’re not being mindful of the lady, it’s rape. Good sex can be had in eight minutes or less. You just have to practice. A LOT. You have to learn everything that drives your woman wild and then you have to explore, explore, explore. Every day is different for every woman. Especially during ovulation. When ovulating, everything is sexy. However, after ovulation and before menstruation, not so much is sexy. You’re going to have to hunt for the treasure, boys!

The treasure is putting a satisfied smile on your lady’s face. As you well know, that’s the best aphrodisiac known to mankind. SMILING. It’s not makeup or alluring clothing. You damn well know the woman could just be lying naked on the bed, smiling, and you’d get a stiffy immediately. If you wouldn’t, you’re dating the wrong lady. GET OUT AND STOP RAPING, YOU MEGA ASSHOLE.

If you can’t have sex face to face with your woman and make it good, you’re a rapist. If you can’t join her in the moment, gauge where she’s at in her journey to the finish line, you’re a rapist. If you can’t even empathize with her over her broken egg story, you’re a rapist.

You have to listen to the lady. You have to regurgitate whatever she’s said in your own words. You have to tell her when she does wrong and when she’s wronged. She’s been taught to rely on outside influences to determine what is reality because women constantly update each other, communicating like rivers. Men communicate like dams: one day, the fucking thing is going to burst and it’s all going to unravel. [You suck, by the way.]

And, being the dams they are, men make women stop up emotionally by failing to listen to them. By failing to be a river alongside them. Only beavers are supposed to build dams, you dickheads.

Your emotional constipation is destroying all reality.

You are corrupting the woman’s understanding of what is happening to her. Especially if you give bad advice and excuses for abhorrent behavior, such as a man’s “o face” being scary to look at. IT WAS RAPE, MR. TREBEK! [We are not accusing Alex Trebek of rape, mind you. He was raped once this way.]

If a man is sneering, get out, ladies. If a man is frowning, GET OUT! If a man is doing anything other than smiling or looking like he just reached heaven, LEAVE! You were just raped. Save yourselves, my ladies. Don’t take excuses like “maybe he was just really in the moment and in touch with his primordial animal self.” It’s a lie they tell themselves so they can rape with abandon. Rape, rape, rape. Men who sneer at women deserve to be executed. That is GOD’S JUDGMENT. Crystal thinks this is a bit severe, by the way, but I don’t. I happen to know if you’ve gotten to the point of openly denigrating women with your facial expression, you are a lost cause. You’ve raped over 10,000 times by that point, and no I don’t just mean wham, bam, thank you ma’am. [WHICH IS RAPE, MIGHT I ADD.]

Women get confused because all they’re given is rape. Unless they’re the lucky women that Snoop Dogg sleeps with. Hot damn, he’s a real man! I have some words about how many women, but still. Thank you for having one song that’s almost not about rape! [Cheating is raping the person who is cheated upon; you’re exposing them to STDs that they didn’t bargain for. So it’s that particular point in the song, but I get what Mr. Dogg is trying to say — he insists on the woman he’s with being in the moment with him. He takes his time; there’s no point in rushing it. It simply takes time to get a lady to Heaven.]

In fact, if you ask God (me), I think Mr. Dogg is the most successful black man on Earth. He achieved fame and fortune and still hasn’t lost himself. He’s not afraid to make up words and challenge brains everywhere by being himself. He hasn’t lost his soul in order to claim that fame or fortune. And, in fact, he gives back substantial amounts. Thank you, Mr. Dogg. I appreciate ya.

And that brings us to rape culture point #3: music.

RAPE TUNES: Songs about raping or being raped or being a rapist.

  1. Blurred Lines – Even the title is rapey.
  2. The Killing Type – She was driven to it by rape.
  3. Praying because she was raped.
  4. Machine
  5. Dilate
  6. Wide Awake
  7. I Don’t Care
  8. It Doesn’t Matter
  9. Napoleon
  10. Crucify
  11. Here I Go Again
  12. Born This Way
  13. Sit Still, Look Pretty
  14. Inner Demons
  15. Wicked Game
  16. Bulletproof
  17. God Only Knows
  18. So Human Of You
  19. The Sound of Silence – Repression of rape stories.
  20. Paper Bag
  21. Truth Hurts
  22. Good Enough
  23. Fuck You
  24. I Hope
  25. Leave It All Behind
  26. I Wanna Get Better
  27. Just Like a Pill
  28. Why Do You Love Me
  29. Used to You
  30. Shake It Off
  31. Since U Been Gone
  32. I’m Not an Angel – How you feel speaking up about being raped.
  33. You Don’t Know
  34. I Fell In Love With The Devil
  35. 24
  36. Stolen
  37. Nobody’s Real
  38. Hot N Cold
  39. New Rules – He’s raping you, Dua.
  40. Rolling in the Deep – The pain of being raped.
  41. Destroy Everything You Touch
  42. Attention
  43. Devil Inside Me
  44. Everything by Blue October [You were raped, son]
  45. Let’s Hurt Tonight
  46. I Get It
  47. Getting Scared – When a raped woman wants to scare your dumb ass.
  48. Right Through You
  49. I Am Not Nothing – What you have to tell yourself after your feelings are minimized by a rapist for years.
  50. Titanium – What you tell yourself to be next time because you’ve been raped consistently by a cheating bastard.
  51. Hurts Like Hell
  52. Mayday!!!
  53. Whore – Our condolences, beautiful woman.
  54. You Call Me Bitch Like It’s a Bad Thing – keep fighting them rapists, girl!
  55. Spaceship
  56. Fight Song
  57. Tainted Love
  58. Love Myself
  59. Back In My Body – How you feel after it’s said and done and have enough therapy.
  60. Not a Pretty Girl
  61. Rat
  62. Umai
  63. Lose You To Love Me
  64. I Will Be Gentle With Myself
  65. Monster – How you feel when you date a rapist.
  66. I Love Me
  67. I Love It – Being driven to extremes by rapists.
  68. Angel – The art of raping.
  69. Done Wrong – How lonely it feels when you’re trying to grieve and be validated by other rapists who don’t give af.
  70. I Love Myself Today
  71. It’s Alright, It’s Okay
  72. Unbelievable
  73. I Just Wanna Shine
  74. Never Win
  75. Love Myself
  76. No Roots
  77. Love Yourself
  78. Stay
  79. Inside Out
  80. Feral Hearts
  81. Does Anybody Hear Her
  82. Demons
  83. I Scare Myself
  84. All The Magic
  85. Jar of Hearts
  86. Fix Me
  87. October
  88. Wrecking Ball
  89. Rainbow – Recovering from rape.
  90. HAPPIER – Maybe I should stop raping! I’m not sure tho.
  91. Without Me – Stop raping me, I love you.
  92. Don’t Let Me Get Me
  93. Back Against the Wall
  94. Complicated
  95. Perfect Illusion
  96. Miss Independent was raped.
  97. Under Pressure ❤ Freddie, a raped man.
  98. Two Ghosts
  100. CIRCLES – Confession of a rapist.

Now, before you get your panties in a twist (<– RAPIST PHRASE), understand now that EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING ON PLANET EARTH IS A RAPIST. There are zero innocent souls, no matter how young they are. You taught yourselves to be better than that, then you regressed into a state that is hardly above animal… in fact, I’d put you below the natural order of things in my Heavenly eyes.

The reason you have fallen to less than animal is this:

You have an entire existence that has something more to it than eating, fucking, and sleeping. You shirk your duties inside that society in order to indulge in the fucking, and if you’re not able to indulge in the fucking, you indulge in the eating. If you’re not into eating, you overindulge in the sleeping… and if you don’t do any of that, you’re a fucking psychopath, forcing everyone around you to bleed for your pain.

You will stop at nothing to make sure everyone and everything feels your feelings for you, mirroring them back at you so you can feel justified and validated. You rarely accept empathy, even if it’s not exactly what you’re feeling; you reject it, forcing others to sympathize with you, wasting all their precious energy. You not only bleed yourself dry feeling terrible things, you spread it around like whipped cream, poisoning the cess pool of “friends” you cobbled together over the years by raping people relentlessly.

You can stop making excuses now and just die. I’m tired of your whining. If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. You are wasting the precious resources on planet Earth by taking up space a walrus could be occupying.

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