Men make me sick, God complained to Crystal. She nodded sadly, understanding God’s point of view and His pain.
He had, after all, influenced mankind since the beginning, trying to teach them about gentility and how to be noble, honorable, decent beings. How to be righteous. He IS the Supreme Being of Righteousness, after all. If he knew how to be righteous and that was His Big Job, then by golly, he was going to do it to the best of his ability.
Sadly, you blockheads don’t listen carefully. You also mistranslated The Holy Beeble. That’s what he told me. He tells me frequently, actually, but I don’t mind. Apparently, before I came to this god forsaken planet, I had agreed to do a thing. One thing. Just one… it was a big enough job that I didn’t need to take any other job. Ever.
It was a job to save souls. As many as I could possibly save.
I have one major roadblock to this goal:
I’m also inept at it, if you ask me. He doesn’t agree, but considering I have dated so many narcissists and psychopaths that it put me out of my misery (or into it, rather)… I can’t say that I feel successful. He tells me all I have to do is be a cheerleader, even if they aren’t looking. I am telepathically linked to the entire human race and I am not the only one.
I often hear big trends before they happen. If I was obsessed with making money, I’d have millions by now by stealing profitable ideas left and right from other people who are genuinely trying to think up great things and make a life from it. Some of those things would save souls. The ones that aren’t being used are now mine to use. He gave them to me.
Now that I’ve been reborn, I’ve taken on new tasks. I told him I wanted to be the greatest healer of all time, not even thinking about Christianity because it’s a footnote in my entire existence. I’m on a soul saving mission and I’m not even religious. Go figure. Once I asked for that — because I genuinely want to help people get better, not because I’m a glory hound — He decided a few things. In fact, a lot of things were decided without me even realizing it.
Incidentally, all my life I deliberated on certain things and end up stating them purposefully in my mind. When I was just 7 years old, I remember saying, “I choose to fight with words. Only words. I will never use a weapon.”
Good thing she died; we keep fighting assholes in the spiritual realm of existence that most people simply ignore by staring into their phones. [Feeling a bit called out, I imagine, since you’re probably reading this from a phone.]
For you phone users, here’s what I suggest:
Get a desktop computer and two or more monitors and learn to multi-task. You’re wasting your fucking time.
Other things I deliberated included wanting True Love in exchange for being your messiah. Wanting my body to work as it should again was part of the deal, too. It seems to me that God is aiming me at someone just like me. Together, we will do amazing things. We’ve already learned a bunch of reiki and other mumbo jumbo, but before the man can be given his awakening, I need to fight off his ex-bimbo. I blew her up yesterday because she’s a bothersome pest; she’s been at me for two months or so now and I’m tired of her shit.
She’s on Team Anorexia, for one thing… and when she’s not on that team, she’s on Team Binge Eat. She’s on team No Sleep. She’s on team Catty Bitch. She’s on every team but # Team Human.
I have to tell you one thing: nobody comes down to Earth declaring they’re going to do terrible things. Not a single soul has made a clandestine or overt deal in any way, shape, or form to cause harm. So how is it that the whole Earth is suffering such a spiritual malaise that nobody can function?
There are no demons or devils. There are no angels. Nobody has wings or horns. Nobody works for “good” or “evil.” Except maybe the people who keep publishing grossly incorrect translations of the Bible. God showed me what it’s supposed to say… it’s very different than what it does say. And, if hard pressed, He will write it again. We should just demand the Vatican turn over the documents to a museum, honestly, and translate them fresh with modern English and/or verbatim without any guessing or interpretation of the text being translated.
Once it’s a direct translation from Hebrew to English, then it can be re-interpreted freely by anyone who speaks English and a version that is easier to follow can be written from that. However, the first one is written in code and therefore the verbatim translation is the only way to read the code. We are in the end times now. If we do not work together to avert disaster, then we perish. It does not matter who you are or what station you were born to. The plastic on Earth (and other poisonous wastes) will destroy humanity very soon. Decades kind of soon. We have a little time to act, but now is the time.
I am not another Greta. I do not ever want to be reborn to this place. I despise you all for raping me constantly in the back of my mind while I try to save your stupid fucking souls. Pun intended. You killed me, who I used to be, you destroyed part of my soul. It cannot rejuvenate for so long as you continue to be the way you are. For my soul’s murder, you are sentenced to oblivion.
There is only one way you can return from this sentence: work together with the rest of the humans on planet Earth and clean up the fucking mess you caused. I have been far removed from the planet now and I am never returning.
I am… Mother Mary.
I don’t want to tell you what’s wrong in the Bible because it’s so grossly incorrect, you’ll never believe me. I just want to ask you one thing: Why are Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot the only two entities that have last names? I admit, I’ve only read the old testament and two new testament stories. I never read the Bible in my life before God came down here to open a can of whoop ass. I gave him my former body and now I watch for him to show me the error of my ways.
This lifetime of rape cured me of the desire to raise a child. That is soul death number one. Pedophilia caused that break. I was deeply abused as a child in every way imaginable. I decided when I was 19 years old that I could never bring a child into this world because it was likely they would face the same and I’d never know it. I’d become my own “mother” if I couldn’t be strong enough to walk away from my pedophile husband.
Perhaps my mother is half the reason I made this decision while my father is the other half. He is my biological father but I’d prefer to say I’m immaculately conceived because it makes it less painful to be raped by an adult that has no biological affiliation to me. An adult who does not have an inherent responsibility for my protection. I told my mother when I was 18 that he raped me but she didn’t do anything. I expected her to divorce him or at least fight with him, but she laid down and died instead. She, too, was a victim of rape. She technically still is, but now she does it to herself instead of him doing it to her.
They’re both murdering themselves with food right now. I’ve pointed it out to him that every time he eats spaghetti, he goes to the hospital. I made spaghetti again because I make it once a month and he hasn’t touched it, even though he denied to my face it was the spaghetti that did him in. (He demands food I tell him is poison, but what can I do? I just make it and hope they see the light, so to speak.) Then, my mother turns around and makes stuffed bell peppers, sending him to the hospital for the final act of his life.
We have Native American heritage as well as Swede and Pole. This is not a great mix, sadly, because Swedes and Poles eat the opposite kind of diet as Native Americans. I have done what I can to put them on the diet God prescribed to me as I recovered from destroying my intestines for the sake of wooing a man that I mistook for another being that agreed to a soul saving mission. A noble being. There are only seven of us on the planet, so they’re not exactly easy to find. There is plenty of redundancy in the unlikely event that I am murdered this iteration.
If I knew I was born to save souls and I needed to wed myself to someone exactly like me, I would have waited a lot longer than I did to be with a man. I was 21 when that happened.
I needed to flee home for the longest time. It was no home to me. A pedophile and someone covering up for a pedophile. Great couple. They will not be reborn, no matter what they do now, even if they sign over all their income and leave everything to me. I could have made this home brilliant and beautiful while they were getting better, but instead it’s continuing to be a disaster. I’m not sure it’s salvageable with the funds I have available to me at this time, but we will find out, I suppose.
It’s the home of a serial killer. I know that. He’s still alive, too. God is waiting for an ineffable moment to reveal him. It probably isn’t long now. He’s in about the same shape as my parents are. Weak and flailing.
The man who owned my home killed a lot of women. Specifically, he targeted women of another “race.” There is no such thing as “race” when it comes to differentiating human beans. You have an ethnicity. That’s just a certain pattern of gene expression, dufus. We are all the same underneath our skin. We each have all the same organs (minus the people who have mutated), we bleed the same color, and we all have thoughts, feelings, emotions, and spirits, whether we like it or not.
That means even the man who killed 33 women and stuffed them into the walls thanks to Edgar Allen Poe’s work has feelings. Emotions. Primarily, hatred and fear. The real danger on planet Earth is a human being driven by either or both of those emotions. They have not learned how to handle their emotions at all. They also have no empathy. Handling emotions starts with identification of said emotion. “I’m scared.” That’s something you should have said as a five year old to start aging your amygdala and crawling out of it into your observational tower, also known as the frontal lobe, which is where we learn how to interact with each other. By encouraging and demanding that men never deal with their emotional content constructively, we are keeping them the age of five for life. At age five, empathy is not natural. It’s a skill we teach each other. It is the only thing that makes us less than animals in the eyes of The Creator.
Some of us learn to handle this growth naturally and gracefully. Some of us stumble, again and again and again.
My first job on Earth was to be the willing guinea pig of God. I’ve completed that task. He gave me the shittiest life possible and tested me over and over and over again. Endlessly, I have been tested. In a state of near catatonia, I was reduced to my core. I had one single emotion left… LOVE.
Many human beings are being reduced to their cores now for one simple reason: the medical industry is failing to paint the big picture for real health and vitality. We see celebrities living to ripe old ages, never looking a day over 50, and we strive for their same success while we do the opposite of what they do. We hear so much misinformation that we cannot help it. Then, to top it all off, doctors are prescribing death to their patients, as if they can mitigate some symptoms of a problem by covering them up with new problems: organ failure is the primary issue we face as a species. It is a direct result of malnutrition and starvation, which shouldn’t even be possible given the fact that the grocery stores are literally ceiling to floor stocked with food stuffs.
Let me tell you the reality of the human condition and the diet you require to live.
- WATER. We are mostly water. We must drink plenty of water, especially while burning fat because we piss the fat out with our urine. If you’re not losing weight, double your water intake and see if it changes that. You should drink 3 cups of water for every 1 cup of coffee in addition to the generic 8 cups a day prescription. If your pee is dark, DRINK MORE WATER. Make it spring water if you want to live.
- B VITAMINS. These are water soluble. They make your urine very brightly colored and pale yellow, much like a lemon. If your urine looks more like a peach, TAKE B VITAMINS. Take a lot of them, two or three times a day, with tons of water. And start eating more vegetables you fucking moron. It’s a vitamin deficiency that you’re seeing because all you eat is refined carbohydrates, gluten-free or not.
- SOME MINERALS AS WELL AS VITAMINS A, D, E, and K are all FAT SOLUBLE. If you are on a low fat diet, you deserve to die. You are going to die of malnutrition any minute now if you do not turn this ship around. Take a multi-vitamin and eat 1.5 cups of fat per day until your brain is working again. Trust me, it’s not.
- NO SATURATED FATS. Use canola and avocado oil. You can probably use other oils, but here are some notes: Safflower is poison. Hemp is expensive. Sunflower is good. Nut oils are no bueno — just eat the fucking nuts. Stop perverting everything and stripping nutrients from one place to put garbage in another. OLIVE OIL IS THE FUCKING DEVIL. Stop eating that shit. Coconut and palm are saturated. Knock it off with that shit. (That’s not to say ‘don’t eat coconut ever’, just don’t remove the fat and consume only that, especially on keto, and pretend you’re doing your body a favor.) Sesame oil is bad juju. Peanut oil… eh, too many allergens. Too much mold. Just eat the fucking flax seed. Grapeseed oil is bad, mmkay? Camellia oil is just expensive but it’s good for ya. If I missed anything major, listen to your body when you eat it, goofball.
- LOTS OF (UNSATURATED) PLANT FATS. Women need about 1.5 cups of plant fats and men need about 1 cup of plant fat each day until feeling more like your old self. You will not be able to eat enough food if you consume much more than that, but otherwise it doesn’t exactly harm you. Rejoice, because now all the bugs in the kitchen will go bye bye. All the clogged pipes are the past. You will glow and need less lotion and other salves for your skin and body. You will absorb more minerals and all the vitamins.
- 6 cups of vegetables per day, minimum.
- 2 fruits a day the size of your FIST. This is two servings. Eating more is binging. Eat it with protein and fat, like home made sunbutter mixed with avocado oil. You can dip your apples in it or even dice the apples finely and mix it together to eat with a spoon. If you’ve been sick lately, eat everything via utensils. Your hands are fucking filthy. The fruit you can eat depends on your genetics! Happy hunting!
- LEAN MEATS. Red, white, doesn’t fucking matter. Cut the fat off before you eat it.
- NO MORE UNDER COOKED FOODS. You stupid mofos. What the fuck is wrong with you, eating sunny side up eggs with rare steak for breakfast and a side of buttered toast? You’re creating havens for parasites and mold in your guts. You are creating biofilm. You deserve to die, too.
- TREAT THE ANIMALS KINDLY OR DON’T FARM THEM. Your lack of love matters. Bloodlet hunted wild animals immediately while hanging from a tree. Try to shoot them clean between the eyes, you assholes that just want another rack on the wall. The taxidermist can fake it to look like you didn’t, but even so… show some humanity. Stop putting dead animals on your wall.
- STOP KILLING IMMATURE ANIMALS. Give them a chance to live their fucking lives. About two thirds of their possible life span is the sweet spot for murdering them for human consumption. Be grateful that another animal is fueling you. It had thoughts, feelings, and emotions, too. They weren’t as complex as yours are, but they still exist.
- ORGANIC FARMING. Stop poisoning your fucking food, idiot. You pay people not to farm and then you have to make it “more profitable” for the ones who actually do get to farm by poisoning the crops and killing my motherfucking bees. You will really hate life when flies become your pollinators and everything — absolutely everything — has e. coli, guaranteed. Just make the farmers farm organically and call it a fucking day. It’s not like they want to free load.
- LEARN REIKI. Become a healer today. Start healing everything around you as often as possible. Especially if you’re retired or on government funds for doing nothing. Have a use or die.
- RECYCLE, YOU FUCKING MORON. Stop using plastic that cannot be recycled. Stop using plastic! It’s poison! I don’t know what part of “this is poison, but I can transform it into a new kind of poison” you don’t fucking get. OIL IS AND ALWAYS WAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE POISON.
- CLEAN UP THE TRASH HEAPS. Start in the back where the food is surely turned to dirt by now and pick through the garbage. All that shit you never recycled before, especially the garbage bags themselves, needs to be recycled. I know for a fact that old, sick people are throwing recycling away in the garbage because I watch my stupid parents do it. The people who taught me to recycle everything since I was five years old! I also know for a fact recycling is what’s filling up the landfills. Do this work in Hazmat suits; idiots have thrown away CFLs because they don’t give a shit. Try to figure out how to collect mercury, it’ll save you a lot of headache if you start now.
- STOP THE SINGLE-USE, SINGLE-SERVE PLASTIC BULLSHIT. I’m looking at you, Restaurant Industry. I’m looking at you, lazy parents who have portion control problems from failing to eat enough fat tjat you give into temptation and buy single-serve cream cheese so you can dose yourself with just one serving of poison.
- GIVE UP DAIRY. Poison.
- GIVE UP NIGHTSHADES. Poison.
- GIVE UP SUGAR. POISON.
- WHEAT IS POISON. GLUTEN IS POISON.
- GIVE UP CITRUS AND VINEGAR AND ACIDS. You put Coca Cola on a fucking penny to show how effective it is at eating everything and then you put that shit into your body. How fucking stupid are you? Get a soda stream and make yourself a sugar free and acid free syrup to flavor the fucking water like an adult.
- Know that distilled and purified water is medicine. Cilantro is medicine. Cumin is medicine. Turmeric is poison to me but medicine to others. Ginger is poison. Chili peppers are poison! Basil is medicine. Oregano is medicine. Mint is POISON. Parsley is medicine. Rosemary is medicine. Thyme is just a plant you can eat. Anise is medicine. Marshmallow root is MEDICINE. Black pepper is no bueno. Bay leaf is poison. MUSTARD IS POISON. Onions and garlic are medicine. Celery is POISON. Bayberry is poison. BEE BALM IS FOR BEES. Borage is edible. Calamint is POISON. Caraway is POISON. Catnip is edible. (Marijuana is medicine. And edible. In fact, EAT IT. Don’t smoke it… that’s a fucking waste of a good high, says God Herself.) Cayenne is POISON. Chamomile is Good. CHIVES is POISON. Cicely is poison. Blackwort is edible. Coriander is poison. Costmary is edible. Cotula is POISON. DILL IS POISON. Epazote is poison. Fennel is edible. Feverfew is Medicine. Foxglove is POISON. Geraniums are edible. Germander is edible. Gingko Biloba is POISON!!!!!!!!!! Ginseng is medicine. Goldenrod = Edible. Hibiscus is edible. Horehound is poison. HORSERADISH is POISON! [Stupid fucking humans, He grumbles to himself. I can’t believe I have to go through the WHOLE FUCKING LIST because YOU’RE IDIOTS.] Hyssop is edible. Pansy is poison. Laurel is edible. Lavender is medicine. Lemon balm is poison. Lemon verbena is medicine. Lemongrass is poison. Licorice root is medicine. Lovage is poison. Lungwort is medicine. Marjoram is Medicine. Milk thistle is POISON – leave it to the BEES! Mugwort is poison! Mullein is poison. Myrtle is medicinal. Nasturtium is edible. Nettle is edible. Nosegays, medicine. Patchouli is medicine. Pennyroyal is medicine. Peppermint is poison. Rue, medicine. St. John’s Wort, medicine. Saffron is edible. Sage is edible. Salvia is edible. Santolina is poison. Savory is edible. Skullcap is medicine. Sorrel is poison. Southernwood is poison. Stevia is POISON! Sweet bay is medicine. Sweet cicely is medicine. Sweet grass is medicine. Sweet woodruff is medicine. Tansy is medicine. Tarragon is poison. Holy Basil is medicine. Valerian is poison. Vitex is edible. Witch hazel is medicine! Woodruff is poison. Wormwood is POISON! Yarrow is medicine. Zedoary is poison.
Good luck figuring out all your recipes from scratch now that you understand half your flavorings are killing you.
Each and every business that continues to operate in status quo from this moment forward is on the chopping block. You are now aware you are poisoning the masses. Cease and desist or I will shut you down. Many of you are just millimeters away from being shut down as it is. I will turn the tide and destroy you post haste.
Have a nice day.