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What If He’s Still There?

I wish I still had my singing LG microwave, she thought to herself when confronted once again with the most annoying <beep, beep, beep.> She’d microwaved a mug of water to make some tea, incidentally.

I suppose he could still be there, since I also lost track of Blondie around the same amount of time. She shrugged mentally. So what if he is? Should I live my life around hoping a man who simply stares at me is back in the place I last saw him, constantly subjecting myself to in-store stalking as men follow me around while I shop? I think not.

I hope I don’t forget the veg I put in to roast this time… it happened with the brussel sprouts and there was absolute magic, but it won’t be magic every time. One of these times, they’ll be inedible, is what they’ll be.

350F * roasting pan (with lid) full of carrots & broc * 50 minutes.

I wonder if I’m still allergic to turmeric. I just noticed my fucking multivitamin has that in it. WHY?!?!?! FFS.

<She cries. Not the ugly kind of cry, but it could go that way any time now.>

So who am I? That’s the question most on my mind lately. I know there are multiple entities speaking through me that are not me. I know this because things come out of my mouth, like tourette’s, that I never thought of, let alone would actually say myself. My mouth opens up of its own accord and a jumbled mess of vitriol spills out. I’m like a marionette.

You think so much about the deli man, you twats in my head, not even thinking one whit about all the distress you cause me. You try to use all my energy up on worthless things, day in and day out, telling me you’re keeping me sick so we can have a successful law suit against my doctor. I don’t give a shit about money… I can’t spend it if I’m fucking dead, dumb ass.

Wow, she notes her mother doing the dishes without being told to do them. Mark ze calendar!

She did feed her quite a lot of vegetables today. It’s almost like humans have no get up and go without B vitamins. Vegetables are full of B vitamins. And her mother knows for a fact she just put in a load of veg to roast. Mmm. Roasted veg. Even her father, the pickiest asshole on Urth (well, in her life), is eating the roast carrots.

Finally interested? Cover them in a load of avocado oil (or olive oil, if you must, but you offend our sensitive foodie senses!) before roasting in a covered pan. No need to flip them halfway through. Fuck that shit… set it and forget it (for a little while.)


They’re marginally better than Amazon, I’ll tell you that.

“What’s wrong with Amazon?”

The $20 markup of everything.

According to the crap in my head, my #1 priority in life ought to be getting laid. This is a man’s perspective, might I remind you. These fools are projecting to me that life is about getting pussy. Except they flip it around and make me all about the dick, of course. They want me to dress up like a whore, put on makeup, make eyes at men, and then destroy those men for having the audacity to like me. This is not me.

It’s not any woman, actually. You know those women you think are insane? It’s their ex-lovers or wannabe-lovers mussing it all up on you. If you wait long enough between relationships, however, they die off eventually… about 2/3 of the time spent in the relationship, awkwardly enough. None of you are doing enough self-care to allow this to happen.

And this is why the Bible indicates you should be a virgin. It’s not a person who has never had sex before. It’s a person without anyone else in their fucking head thanks to celibacy and psychotherapy. Believe it or not, soothsayers were the psychologists of yore. Medicine men and women. Priests and priestesses.

That’s why I respect some pastors and whatnot even of the Christian faith. They’re decent psychologists, whether or not they have any official training.

(Why aren’t we making cake, God? You never feed me cake.)

Oh, right. Cake…


Round II: FIGHT!

I have no idea what to write about right now. There’s a silence in my head for the very first time in a long time. It just began again recently. God says one of the assholes has given up on me: the one that Nick promised an art studio to right before ghosting them. Nick promised a lot of people a lot of things.

God, thankfully, is the one who took care of my estate. Although, sadly, one or all of them in tandem threw away my job with the bank. I loved working at the bank. It was my most favorite job ever. The best team I’ve ever known, actually. I miss them very much, especially my boss, Priya. She showed me what a mother should be like and it made me the happiest little glow worm there ever was.

Okay, I’m not a glow worm, but wouldn’t it be cool to be a glow worm? That is, if human beans weren’t so very intent on destroying everything that might threaten them by wriggling or creeping or crawling?

I suddenly realize we are doing exactly what I’m meant to be doing.

When this all began, God warned me in a way. He gave me the ground rules, in a way. He told me in code everything that’s about to happen next. I hope I am grown up enough to deal with it… It’s going to be… messy.

He told me that the world would be a kinder place once I finished. My novel, I suppose. This, right here. It’s just like Space Balls. We’re in the now, now. This is us, now, in the movie. <– Link. You’re welcome.

I never quote it exactly right.

Thank you, Rick Moranis. Thank you, Mel Brooks. Thank you everyone in this fucking movie!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ This is one of the things that shaped my idea of comedy, I must confess. Everything Mel Brooks helped. And Robin Williams. And Carlin (RIP)… and a lot of people. I’m done naming them. You get three giants for now.

Dane Cook.

Okay three giants plus one.

I also adore Little Shop of Horrors (Tichina Arnold, Jim Belushi, Tisha Campbell, JOHN CANDY (RIP), Danny Cunningham, Vincent Gardenia, Ellen Green, Heather Henson, Danny John-Jules, Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Gary Palmer, Bertice Reading, Barbara Rosenblat, Levi Stubbs, Paul Swaby, Michelle Weeks, Mak Wilson, Melissa Wiltsie.)

Monty Python (Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin.)

Dr. Detroit, Ghostbusters (and the sequel, though I don’t like sequels generally speaking), Rat Race, Ghost Dad, Team America: World Police (barely… there are some moments that lack finesse but it’s still worth at least one viewing! I prefer Cannibal: The Musical a touch more! Especially the end.)

Trading Places which has such a witty name to boot, Bridesmaids (thank you, ladies!), Saturday Night Live is consistently greatness for what I have watched — I’ll admit now it’s about 45 episodes which is not much compared to how long it’s been on the air. Blazing Saddles, of course, though we’re heading back to someone I’ve already declared great I think it’s important to highlight some Mr. Little and Mr. Wilder (I’m a fan of alpha-ordering, tyvm.)

Zoolander is the perfect commentary on narcissists everywhere, thank you so much for that.

Elf – Ms. Deschanel has been a fave of mine since I watched Tin Man and of course Mr. Farrell is consistently amusing. P.S. Thanks for New Girl, it made me feel like it’s okay to be myself. I also enjoyed a bunch of How I Met Your Mother, especially thanks to Mr. Harris, but as most people already know the entire show or movie is made with straight men/women and funny ones alike. If they’re all too funny, it loses credibility where it’s warranted.

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. THE GUILD. Thank you, Ms. Day! Especially for your nerd girl musics.

THE THREE AMIGOS. NEED I SAY MORE?! (Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, Martin Short)

Shaun of the Dead. Terry Pratchett (RIP). Douglas Adams (RIP). Police Academy. Mannequin – one of my all-time favorites for romance. I’m weird, I know. The Blues Brothers. The Producers. So I Married an Axe Murderer. Toy Story was quite delightful even though I ended up viewing it more than ten times thanks to my nephew. Mrs. Doubtfire was a great one, of course. Clueless – thanks, Ms. Dash, Ms. Murphy, and Ms. Silverstone. A Fish Called Wanda. Wayne’s World. Dana Carvey as Garth is one of my favorites. Maybe just Dana Carvey.

You’re going to boo me now…

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure… but not the boring parts. There are absolutely boring parts. This is my favorite thing from that movie:

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure: Big Bertha and the Road Sign

Unfortunately, Mr. Reuben was sabotaged unfairly because he was far too popular as a neat and tidy nerdy guy in a suit entertaining children with singing flowers and a genie head in a box. He’s amazing again in Buffy the Vampire Slayer while he’s dying. Another pick that you’ll no doubt throw rotten tomatoes at me for.

If you were all food, each and every one of you amazingly talented beings that took part in all these deserve the chef kiss. Even if I didn’t name you once, Mr. Akroyd. Whoops. I named you.

Top Secret. The Cable Guy — especially the cover of the song. You know the one. I might like Ace Ventura more if it wasn’t the same story with my nephew watching it on repeat. The asparagus scene was never my favorite bit but it made that kid laugh every time you asked if something was in your teeth. Charlie Chaplin (RIP) belongs in here no matter what, I’ll say that now. I also saw The Mask too many times… He loved to repeat the Smokin’ quote.

Hot. Fuzz. (Thank you, Mr. Frost & Mr. Pegg, and, really, everyone.)

Now… I must declare, I don’t spend all my time watching movies and stuff, so I apologize to you now CHRISTOPHER MOTHERFUCKING WALKEN FOR BEING SO BRILLIANT YOU LIGHT MY HAIR ON FIRE… (where’d that come from?)

Balls of Fury

Beverly Hills Cop and Eddie Murphy, of course. The Golden Child. The Last Dragon. Big Trouble in Little China, a movie I could watch nearly any time. Shaolin Soccer <3. Shrek, Mr. Myers. SHREK! It’s what’s on the inside that counts. Every time. Rush Hour. The Fifth Element. O.M.G. ❤ Bruce Willis ❤ I can’t even begin with that man. Thank you and Walken for gracing the silver screen for so long! Disney’s Aladdin was pretty darn good, too, thanks to a certain genie. Since I’m repeating myself already: YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN. Men in Tights x10! CARY ELWES, YOU ARE MY SNARKY HERO. Especially in The Princess Bride, the movie to end all movies. I said that Mannequin is one of my favorite romances but TPB is first.

Martin Lawrence, you are a great man as well, thank you for all your critical thinking.

I do love Mr. Farley (RIP – and if I missed hearing about someone on this list departing us, please know it’s a universal wish) and sometimes Mr. Spade, too.

I’m dangerously close to going into a list of non-comedy films but I should refrain this time, I think. It’s for the kids. House Party was amusing. Pitch Perfect was pretty durned good, too. We need more music in our lives, people!

Clue. How could I leave out the fantabulous Mr. Curry? I think I’ve been in love with that guy since The Worst Witch. Growing up isn’t easy…

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. ❤ ❤ ❤ BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER! Talk about shaping my outlook since youth. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, Rufus. Thank you, Ted. (Alpha-order, remember?)

Sister Act and Ms. Goldberg especially. I will never forget that I should not use the word stupid. [I see you, sister. I don’t understand 100% because I am too white, but I see you.]

I enjoy a lot of things, as you can see. The list doesn’t stop there. You might as well go to the next entry if you’re bored because God’s on a mission of gratitude.

The First Wives Club. Top Gun. Big. IDIOCRACY. Super Troopers. HAPPY GILMORE. Also Mr. Sandler’s song about Chanukah. We’re not religious, by the way. You’re all wrong and right. How’s that for a lack of favoritism? 21 Jump Street. Crazy Rich Asians. Chris Rock. Cheech & Chong. Legally Blonde!

[By the way, Michael Jackson was framed, too. I asked because I always loved him and Mr. Reuben and, well, a girl needs to know these sorts of things.]


City Slickers. Bridget Jones’s Diary. Ms. Zellweger, we love your performance in everything we’ve seen. Sarah Silverman, we like you, too. (Does The Witches of Eastwick count as a comedy? Watching Jack Nicholson spew chicken feathers was quite amusing…) A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN ❤ ❤ <3. I love you, Madonna. #MeToo. HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE. I love you guys in everything you do! Including House! iZombie. Z Nation. To Wong Foo — maybe not a comedy but still, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING! John C. Reilly, especially in Chicago. (Chicago isn’t a comedy but I feel like it fits in with my list here Renee.) UHF & Weird Al everything. Thank you most for ALBUQUERQUE.

Galaxy Quest. First of all, thank you Ms. Weaver, for being an inspiration to all women during my childhood. Without Alien, I don’t think I’d have such a strong concept of how bad ass a woman can be. Mr. Rickman (RIP), I love everything you ever did. Mr. Allen, you’re pretty funny, though I’m really tired of people confusing me as talking about The Santa Claus when I’m trying to tell them about Santa Claus: The Movie. I know it’s not your fault, please forgive us for being human. Mr. Shalhoub, I love you, esp. in Monk.

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (the movie.)

Mr. Ben Stiller and Mr. Robert Deniro. Kung Fu Hustle. Dustin Hoffman. Dudley Moore. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was pretty good, though I think people around me liked it a touch more than I did. I really don’t like repeating experiences; that’s what paying attention the first time is for. Jeff Daniels.

Friday. Mr. Cube, Ms. Long, Mr. Tucker. ❤

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

We like you, Ms. Streisand, though I can’t think of a funny movie you’re in besides the one that involves baseball (and we don’t think that one was a comedy.) Of course I’ve also watched The Naked Gun. Mr. Nielsen, you’re pretty funny! Did it need four renditions? Not so much. kthxbye. This Is Spinal Tap amused me pretty consistently, thank you for that, Mr. McKean. Now I have to turn everything up to 11, dontchaknow? Ron Livingston. Jennifer Aniston. Diedrich Bader.

ROBIN WRIGHT. I forgot to name you up there with The Princess Bride, along with MANDY PATINKIN, CHRIS SARANDON, CHRISTOPHER GUEST, ANDRE ROUSSIMOFF (RIP GENTLE GIANT), WALLACE SHAWN, FRED SAVAGE, BILLY CRYSTAL, CAROL KANE, et al. Screw alpha-order, I’m getting lazy. This is the order in IMDB. Also ty, rodents of unusual size and villagers and all the other roles, of course. 🙂

P.S. Thank you, Mr. Brooks, for the Sheriff of Nottingham that’s dyslexic with entire sentences. I finally found a bird of a feather.

I like some parts of movies I’ve seen but wouldn’t watch again if I was paid to… no offense, I like thinking my autism thoughts more than re-watching films. These include: Dumb & Dumber, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, The Rocky Horror Picture Show (ahem), Beavis & Butthead Do America.

Some movies by the notorious Kevin Smith or parts thereof (you will forgive me, I hope, since I was subjected to your satires against my will. Not because I don’t like your content, but because it’s not DOGMA. I love that one. I’d watch it another 10 times and God totes approves, my friend. Although personally I’d skip the turd monster part.) On that note: Thank you, Salma Hayek, JANEANE FUCKING GAROFALO (The Truth About Cats & Dogs was amazing), Mr. Affleck, Mr. Damon, LINDA FIORENTINO, Bud Cort, BETTY ABERLIN, Brian O’Halloran (sir), Dan Etheridge, Jason Lee, Jason Mewes (It’s okay, me too), Mr. Smith, Dwight Ewell (where is your IMDB photo, bro?), Ben Cain, Javon Johnson, Derrick Sanders, Ethan Suplee, Guinevere Turner (your mom had style!), Jonathan Gordon, Nancy Mosser, MS. ALANIS MORISSETTE AS GOD HERSELF, and Robert Holtzman. [If you do not see your name on this list and you are in IMDB, God expects you to reflect deeply upon your life and learn your lessons in love. Thank you for being part of a stellar film despite falling a tad short of His expectations. I know you can do it if you put your mind to it. (And not all the unnamed people are in need of deep reflection. You know who you are. Also we’re trying to keep repeats to a minimum.)] ❤ Crystal

On the note of ‘sacrilegious’ filmography, our favorites are: Dogma, The Holy Grail, The Milky Way, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (the name itself is sacrilegious — congrats to that one), Devil’s Advocate, Bela Lugosi’s Dead though that’s a song, Stigmata was great, Carrie (what a great role-model for a shaman who gets bullied her entire life, don’t you think?), The Meaning of Life. Oh God, You Devil.

I’d claim The Exorcist, except that was Crystal in her youth (a pukey girl) and nobody paid attention to her.

God is a Girl by Groove Coverage is also a great one, another song. Battlefield Earth. Bruce Almighty. The Dark Crystal. Everything Jim Henson is ❤ ❤ <3. Crystal thought O Brother, Where Art Thou? was too boring but I’m a fan, thanks Clooney. Saved! The Good Place ❤ ❤ <3. Exodus: Gods and Kings.

Pulp Fiction. What? You got a problem with me declaring Pulp Fiction is a good flick even while they recite scripture and murder people?

Zeitgeist is fine. Father Ted. Although a sleeper, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is perfectly fine — if it was a little less slow, Crystal would love it. Also, #METOO. Dead Poets Society ❤ ❤ ❤ TY Mr. Williams. Chef kiss. Creation. Thor & related. Se7en. Paul. Everything Joan of Arc that doesn’t make her into a whore is great.

Basically, the rules are as follows: stop the whoring around in filmography and chances are I’m a fan. Everything but sexual intercourse shown on screen. Here’s my main objection to that part: if nobody knew what other people did in bed, you’d all be a Hell of a lot happier with your first wives.

Every one of you making casual sexual intercourse on screen seem great: I’ll be seeing you on the dark side.

Every one of you showing sexual intercourse when the story doesn’t even become enriched by such: same.

You know who you are and why you do it. You’re fornicators looking to breed more fornicators.

We excuse SERIAL MOM for the Chesty Morgan scene. Also, great movie, we love it to bits.

I am semi-offended by movies about angels. They don’t have wings; they are merely extremely good human beans. Just like devils don’t have horns.

And while we’re on the topic, I LOVE HELLRAISER, they say emphatically in unison! Especially the one with the puzzle box.

Shoot, we stopped talking about comedy, Crystal. What do you think?

I think it’s time to end this entry, sir. And eat some sugar-free, gluten-free, egg-free vanilla cake. (Yum.) Too bad I haven’t figured out a good substitute frosting yet.

P.S. I got too lazy to tag. Do you know how many tags that would be?

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