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Love Advice from God

I’ve been having trouble keeping track of the days of the week. I cannot stick to any schedule. I sleep whenever I sleep and sometimes it’s twelve hours at a time, if not closer to eighteen hours. It depends on how well I’m fed and how well rested I am.

I dye my hair for psychological reasons. Waking up to some impossibly bright bouquet of wild mess on top of my head… it does things to make my brain happy. Psychologically speaking, surrounding one’s self with bright and attractive colors tells our brains that life is happening. We are alive. And we can be happy.

We’re Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister on YouTube.

I am daydreaming again. I think it’s me, anyway. I don’t believe in my psychic prowess, though there’s a very insistent voice inside of me (named God) that tells me that Winter Sky Eyes man is thinking about me today. And some bloke named Daniel, who keeps playing that fornicator’s song [Ed Sheeran – Shivers] every time he thinks about me in his head.

First of all, I’d like to explain that I enjoy the fornicator songs as much as anyone else, but I imagine the singer is actually singing to a monogamous significant other every time, which is what makes it okay in my head… but that’s not how humanity uses these songs, let me tell you. I’m tired of hearing Ed in my head on repeat day in and day out… maybe I should be thrilled somebody likes me enough to daydream about me to said song, but, you know…

It’d be worth more if he was as constant as Mr. Winter.

I know I should be a-titter because if Daniel is the guy I think he is, he’s one sexy beast… the problem is that I want a love that lasts. That’s not what he’s offering at this moment in time. Maybe later he will, but for six months Mr. Winter Eyes has had me on his mind and nobody else. That’s exceptionally meaningful for a person who wants a monogamous and long-term relationship, especially since we’ve never spoken before.

If “Daniel” had me on his mind for the past six months, I’d be engaged, I think. He’s known about me just as long or longer than Winter Eyes, so it’s not like I’m being unfair either in the grand scheme of things. I know life happens and it takes you away to other things[, including other women.] <– This is what women hear when you disappear for six months without a trace even if you are taking care of your dying parents (random example) and have been focused on that train wreck tragedy unfolding in slow motion, taking them to doctor appointment after doctor appointment like clockwork.

Hearse by Ani DiFranco on Spotify.

It’s hard to prove otherwise, too, I know. Nothing you can say or do can shake an insecure woman’s shadow of doubt, sadly. And that’s how most women are insane these days. A man could be with her, staring her in the eyes, telling her he loves her and she thinks once his eyes leave hers, he’s flying solo and looking for more hens. I mean, chicks. Yeah. Chicks. As if men are nothing but wild animals that cannot be tamed at all, as if you have no morals or even values that say you wish to be monogamous and in love with the same woman for the rest of your life.

We’re projecting problems of our pasts onto men, ladies. They get hurt, too. They get driven insane by stupidity right alongside us, whether it’s ours or their own (or someone else’s entirely.) We’ve all got baggage and let me tell you, mine is the size of a semi. She points over her shoulder at an imaginary semi truck.

Which Side Are You On? by Ani DiFranco and Pete Seeger on Spotify.

All humans do this. “I dated someone who looked like you before, therefore you are a clone of them until proven otherwise.” Fear is a natural thing; it prevents us from getting hurt over and over again in the same way. The only way to fix this whole mess (why does blue corn tortilla chip + coffee == pretzel flavor?) is to revolutionize how we date. So, I’ve got some rules we should follow to make life happier for all of us:

Sansara’s Rules to
Happy Dating

  1. Never pursue someone less than a “10 out of 10” in your eyes.
  2. Men should show off for ladies.
  3. Ladies, put your feminine wiles away and let them hit on you without all that gunk on your face and all your skin showing. You’ll be happier in no time, I promise, once you get used to what you actually look like again.
  4. Split the date bill 50/50. Always. Even the first date. Especially the first date.
  5. Stay celibate until married. Date one person at a time, giving them your full attention. If they aren’t calling you enough, dump ’em and move on.
  6. Don’t kiss until you’ve decided your needs are being met by each other.
  7. You’re married when you say you’re married in your heart. Put a ring on your own finger with your own money. If you stay together six months, you’re married whether you intended it or not. (Shared bills or not.) <– God said so.
  8. Give 4 months to your newly divorced partner when you’ve found out they pretended to be someone else to be enough for you and you cannot love them for who they actually are while they work on becoming their ideal self for the rest of eternity. They showed you who they can be, then their attempt to be perfect slips. It’s only fair to give them 4 months to prove they’re working on those traits that you find objectionable. You must talk about what is bothering you. If you don’t, God is going to label you a psychopath and you will be condemned to worse than anything you can imagine for causing terror and dissonance.
  9. Stay celibate for a total of 6 months or more between relationships and always get tested before starting a new marriage.
  10. You’re married the moment you kiss if not at the six month mark.
  11. Date only people who have hobbies in common with you so you have something you enjoy together to spend time doing. If you don’t, see the psychopath part of #8.
  12. For optimal mental health, stay celibate / single for 3/5 the time of your last relationship. It’s for your mental health, not God’s peace of mind. They’re still in your head for a long time. The only exception is if both parties get ample psychotherapy quickly, process the trauma induced by the other person, and move on.
  13. Blame yourself for it failing and let the other person focus on their own blunders without you. They didn’t listen to you while you were together, they certainly aren’t going to do it after you part ways. It takes two to fuck it all up, I’ll tell you that. [Nobody’s perfect, as Ms. Morissette has figured out.] If you cannot see what went wrong in this particular relationship, look for patterns across all your past relationships. You might be too forgiving, which is just as bad as being a mega bitch, in the long run.
  14. Stop thinking about people while taking care of your bodily needs. It’s a kind of sex, whether you like it or not. If you are courting and agree to it, that’s different — you must obtain consent in order to avoid raping the other party. (Kissing should fall under this, too, though it’s a much less heinous crime in the grand scheme of things, Daniel.) Stop fantasizing about people being naked at all if you find nudity sexual. Personally, I don’t find nudity sexual and I bet most women don’t… however, men are extremely visual creatures and often do.
  15. Role-playing conversation… As long as you’d actually have that kind of conversation face to face with the woman, it’s less heinous, but it reaches them in the back of their mind. How about you try something novel and just be yourself? The rest of us: why don’t you try something novel and forgive people for not being perfection?

    Humanity is psychically connected together to all other living beings. Because of that, that’s why you can’t get certain people off your minds — you’re handshaking in the back of your heads with each other constantly. Just get married already and throw in the towel on your search for someone else. You’re in love with each other and in denial about it (unless you acknowledged it like the fierce lioness and lion you are.)

    [P.S. You’re welcome, Bob.]

    So maybe just practice giving meaningful compliments about a woman’s character or intelligence so they might actually like themselves at the end of the day when, undoubtedly, dozens of people just like you role-play talking to her and it reaches her subconscious mind? [WOMEN, you are not exempt, you hear me? Be kind! And remember one thing: men objectify us because they want to be objectified, so don’t be afraid to give them compliments on their body. It’s what they crave, after all. Only if they’re single, though.]
  16. Although it is possible to rape a man, they’re more likely to be agreeable with fornication. Ladies, if you actually want a body-body relationship while neglecting the rest of your person, go for it. You’re a train wreck that should be in therapy until you’re better. (I love you anyway in an impersonal kind of way, just like I still love fornicators in an impersonal kind of way.)

    DO NOT DAYDREAM OF MARRIED MEN OR WOMEN, YOU IDIOTS. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SO MANY BROKEN MARRIAGES AND GOD’S COMING FOR YOUR DUMB ASS IN THE AFTERLIFE. (Or Allah, if you prefer.) (No, I’m not a Muslim… yet. I keep gaining reasons to become one, though.)

    Those of you who interfere with a marriage make one or the other person feel like the feelings expressed in these tracks: Gabby BarrettI Hope && Cee-Lo GreenFuck You && Aerosmith What It Takes && Stabbing WestwardWhat Do I Have To Do? && Cyn I’ll Still Have Me && S Club 7Bring It All Back && Shireen So Human of You && Blue OctoberSo Long && for KING & COUNTRY Burn the Ships && Selena GomezLose You To Love Me && Ursine VulpineWicked Game && Ani DiFrancoAs Is && Libana Gentle With Myself && Beth CrowleyMonster (I’m so sorry, Beth) && for KING & COUNTRYGod Only Knows && Taylor SwiftShake It Off (I’m sorry, Ms. Swift.) && Ani DiFrancoTiptoe (<3 ❤ ❤ Ani) && Tori AmosCrucify && Ani DiFrancoNapoleon && Alison Krauss with Union StationIt Doesn’t Matter

    (Here’s a handy dandy playlist, though some of them aren’t a product of rape, soul murder, or cheating but they speak to the hearts of those hurting from those things.)

    You are inviting these feelings to come into your life by creating it in others because God believes in balance. So, if you want to be divided, do it to someone else and understand you did it to yourself at the end of the day.

    “Tit for tat,” as the G-man loves to say to me. [She who is currently being (mis)treated the same ways she mistreated others previously to balance the scales and start over fresh. And yes, you can pray for karmic resolution yourselves… just understand that he won’t always pull his punches.]

    (Thanks for the new perspective on life, G-man.)
  17. Always behave as if someone is scrutinizing everything you do, searching for the tiniest sliver of moral corruption. Because somebody is. (Hi, G-man.)

    Understand that every action you take, good or bad, is recorded by the seat of your soul, which is immortal. It never dissipates… it goes back to Source (the beginning of all things) and has a bath and gets reborn somewhere with life. [Gaia is not the only place.]

    Thus, your arguments about which religion is correct is moot: as it turns out, you all have little bits of it correct. Congratulations, now look at the bigger picture:

    It’s questionable whether or not you will ever be born, since abortion works into the plans of God quite perfectly. How else do you think Hitler is going to atone for such a massive scale of murder? Or how about the men who dropped two atom bombs? Agent Orange? Mass poison like fluoride in the civil water supplies? The list goes on. You are conceived with a soul but sending it back to Source isn’t some cataclysmic event to the unborn soul; it’s just sending them to the back of the line again and again to await reincarnation. These souls deserve that and they know that. You enter the line as soon as you cross over automatically, you can’t just sit around in Heaven all happy like (much to my chagrin.)

    If you are born, you live until an accident or illness or old age takes your life. Each and every thing you do is recorded for judgment at the end of the life cycle. Judgment day happens when you die. There is no specific calendar day where all souls will be judged… that’d be a lot of irrelevant work for The Creator, wouldn’t you know?

    The crimes themselves are judged, not those who commit them. Even the messiah has committed crimes to pay for. No one is perfectly innocent… thanks to rape culture pervading the entire world and normalized by all. Thus, if you want to be judged favorably, you are going to have to change your habits. We all pick up bad habits from each other somewhere. It is our job to confer internally with the seat of our soul in order to understand if our habits must change to benefit the Greater Good(TM).

    We must become in tune with ourselves and our intuition and listen to it instead of smothering it with endless entertainment and escapism. It will cure all mental illnesses except schizophrenia, which is a byproduct of being poisoned. Drug abuse and addiction will abate. We are raping ourselves and we turn to escapism to run away from the consequences instead of taking our lickings from our Higher Selves and course-correcting.
  18. Stop keeping mementos of lives past. Divorce people and destroy the evidence. It’s not good for you, no matter what you say. Men and women of Earth, understand this now: if you are dating someone with clearly displayed mementos of the past, they have not moved on and that person can come back any time and disrupt your potential union.

    Treat these individuals as cheaters. There are no exceptions. Not even if you are 50, finally trying to date once again, and your husband died when you were 27. Your heart is still with the deceased person and you cannot give it to another. Those people don’t sit around in “Heaven” watching you live life, they die and enter the line to be reborn again, most likely forgetting you even existed to begin with. Once in a while, a soul makes a promise to wait for another soul, but when the life cycle is disrupted like that, they are unlikely to be born in an acceptable age range of each other for 1,000 years.

    Specifically, you should never keep their photographs, their drawings, their love letters, or anything sexually oriented such as a baby doll nightgown or a specific pair of boxers (GEORGE) or toys of some sort. (Give the photographs to the children if you’re so adamant about it, missy.)

    Start over. And stop throwing away functional sex toys – there are ways to sanitize them and you know it. Someone, somewhere can refurbish them and re-sell them (or recycle them.) It’s insanity to send all that to the landfill, you assholes. I’m counting it as poisoning the environment willfully. Period, the end.

    Ornamental things that remind one of someone else should be boxed until their memory is as stale as a mummy if one must insist on keeping them. (A decade sounds about right.) Give it away! Why not? That was them, not you! Get something else that’s more you. I’m guilty of having a Zippo lighter someone else gave me, even though I’d never take him back, I have no use for it and should get rid of it. I’m thinking Goodwill even though I know logically it’s a $20 item.

  19. Remember the person you are courting is human and limited. They do not always understand the implications of their actions. They understand their intentions (which may well be honorable and noble) rather than the outcomes of what they’ve done, most often. Tell them how their actions are perceived and the consequences of them. Share songs that express how you feel, they might understand better if you do. If they do not improve, divorce their ass for raping you willfully. You have explained your boundary as thoroughly as possible and it is within your right to break free. DO NOT take the abuse of them ignoring your statements.

    To ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and then take abuse because he did is wrong. Understand me? Capisce? He shouldn’t have allowed himself to be raped like a willing victim, becoming a martyr. I’ve decided martyrdom is now a sin. — God.
  20. Treat this life time as if it is your last. Just because you re-enter the cycle of life at Source does not mean you will ever live again. God will systematically murder all souls unworthy of rebirth by directing them and routing them into pests such as flies, destined to be swatted to death over and over again, or mice that get run down with lawnmowers endlessly. You will be given life as vermin to be eradicated by a predator (human or otherwise.)

    You will never be allowed to be a primate or anything with above a “5” intelligence, in D&D terminology. Hello Bucks and Does and Turkeys and Mice and Roadrunners and Coyotes. And anvils that fly out of the sky to destroy you randomly, as it were.

    “Those of you I actually like will be allowed to carry on cleaning up the environment for the animals until I make humanity extinct and start over with something else. Namely, your tasks are to clean up the fucking ocean and the land fills.” — God. [She begged me to end humanity, I couldn’t say no. You rape yourselves endlessly in the name of “progress.” You rape the environment in the name of “profit.” You rape the animals in the name of “being humane (to humans.)” It is unfortunate, but I agree with her. We’re going to start over with a brand new species: homo sapien (No S). I am deleting about half your programming from the womb going forward. Have fun with that. You’re going to be more like the elves in D&D or you will never be reborn to anything noteworthy. Period, the end. No Altered Carbon, thank you very much. In fact, the moment any of you chimps actually goes into outer space to any distance, disaster is going to fall upon you due to the fact that you need to clean this fucking mess up, children.]

    Wait, God, not everyone knows what D&D Elves are like, are we gonna tell ’em? “Elves love nature and magic, art and artistry, music and poetry, and the good things of the world.” <– That’s the only thing worth repeating from the official(?) web resource.

    That sounds like the Hindus to me, Crystal notes softly in the back of everyone’s minds. Or maybe even the Asians at large with their awesome folklore! Or the indigenous peoples all around the globe…
    She hides behind a rock now.

Well, there we have it. God has a lot of directives… that ought to be enough for one post. Let it simmer!

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