I am woman. I deserve to be loved and cherished. [They Might Be Giants] I deserve to be taken care of emotionally. I deserve to wake up every morning next to my ideal mate. We deserve to smile at each other and start our day off on the right foot, whatever that means for us. What I do with myself after that moment is completely inconsequential; all beings deserve to be loved. Unconditionally. [Edward Sharpe…] If you don’t love me for all my flaws in addition to all my great qualities, you don’t love me. I need to be loved, just like everybody else. [The Smiths] I want this relationship to be full of mutual adoration and we have eyes for only each other. [Harry Styles] I love you. [Sarah Brightman]
I shop at all the trendy stores, looking for the latest fashions that make my eyes smolder, my shoulders drop, my derriere stick out, and my tits pop. [Sir Mix-A-Lot] It’s not my fault that men might find all this rigamarole arousing. It’s not my job to make sure they can stave off temptation. In fact, I need to scold them for complimenting me at every turn. I need to ward them off so they understand that this body and visage is not for them; it’s for me! [Avenged Sevenfold]
I need to be able to look in the mirror and say to myself, full of a critical gay man’s perspective, “I’d like to fuck that body in the mirror.” [Lords of Acid] I am the only person I can control but I ignore this, trying to obtain power over all the menfolk instead of conceding that I can only dictate my own actions within this reality. [Powerman 5000] I need absolute control — that never corrupted anyone absolutely, especially not a motherfucking woman. [Ke$ha] I make the boys look but they can never touch. I am nothing more than a mirage, after all. [Bon Jovi]
It’s really too bad nobody cares about what’s inside the package, especially since I have created a perfect illusion to distract them completely from my personality. [Lady Gaga] In fact, I could have zero personality and you’d never know it because I’m that hot. If only I actually looked like this without spending two hours a day on my appearance. If only I woke up looking like a dream. You know great hair doesn’t happen by accident, girl. [Bruno Mars]
[Lizzo] If only I didn’t have to paint my nails every week to make sure they’re flashy and eye-catching, especially to other women; we have to telegraph how much of a bitch we are, you know. It directly correlates to how long the fake nails are. If only I didn’t have to wax every inch of my body below the eyebrows. [Demi Lovato] If only I didn’t have to suffer misogynistic men wolf whistling and cat calling me every time I wear huge hoop earrings and a tube top with my short shorts, cat eyes and perfectly blended eye shadow and a come-hither lipstick or gloss. As if that outfit screams, “Take me to bed!” Puh-lease. [Lady Gaga]
I have to admit that I am totally insecure about my body, it’s why I have to do it. [Zach Williams] I have to compete with every woman in sight because I need a man. [Taylor Swift] And if I’ve already got a man, I still need a man. Stat. An even better man. [EMF] My mama taught me never to settle, so it’s not just any man. He has to have the absolute magic touch. [Heart] His conversation has to be at the legendary level of engaging, [En Vogue / Salt N Pepa] or at least his abs must live up to my expectations, rippling like water under a stiff wind so I never notice we don’t even talk. Mesmerizing, in a word. In fact, we never talk — we only fuck. [Lords of Acid]
This fantasy man has to be just enough dangerous to make me lose all sensibility and just enough safety to make it really seem like a great idea to entice him to undress me. [Lady Gaga] I didn’t spend two hours on this look for nothin’, fellas. And if you’re the poor man I’m about to ditch, you shoulda seen it comin’. [Icona Pop, Charli XCX] It’s your fault for letting me advertise my wares, day in and day out, and it’s their fault for looking and hitting on me. I have zero control over this because I cannot control all of you. [OK Go] You shoulda put a ring on it. [Beyoncé] You know the drill. [Lizzo]
That’s why I starve myself daily, too. [Richard Wagner] Having this perfect bangable body that only the latest catch is allowed to touch. That’s the real reason I’m always so damn cranky, too. Get the fuck away from me. [Aural Vampire] I have to eat rabbit food to keep this amazing figure and I’m simultaneously poisoning myself with appetite suppressants and other crap I put on my body every day to look good. [Alice Cooper]
I’m not going to let my every effort be in vain; I know quality when I see it and you are normal. I need a movie star, bro. I could eat a cow or a horse or even a rabbit at this point. [Weird Al] But don’t you dare fucking feed me anything fulfilling and satisfying like half a pizza, no matter how much I stare at it longingly while that masterfully stringy mozzarella goo pulls apart in front of me; I am just so happy being both sedentary and starving so I can look this good, complain about having a borderline personality, and generally bitch and moan about how wrong the world is and it hates me. [Bleachers] The beach is calling my name. And so is the pool boy. [P!nk]
I already leave very little to the imagination. [Coheed and Cambria] I’m already naked, in a sense. I show off my legs up to the top of my thighs, the apex, as it were. [Michael Jackson] I wear these little strappy shoes that are so sexy and cute, looking like there is literally nothing between me and anyone or anything. [Aerosmith] I even have a pair made of clear plastic so it looks like I’m floating on air as I saunter your way, bro, pretending I’m wearing glass slippers. [Screaming Jay Hawkins]
Do you see how smooth and sexy these legs are? [Dido] They go on for miles. Notice that I spent the time shaving them; I don’t want to be a woolly mammoth, after all. [Fergie] You might not pant over them that way. Remember: no touching, you stupid dogs. [Garbage] Only that Brad Pitt look-alike over there. [Taylor Swift] He can touch me. [Lords of Acid] I have no idea what his personality is, but he must be just like Brad. Right? [Culture Beat] I’ll just flutter my eyelashes at him, but scorn the man next to him for mistaking himself as the person I was flirting with. How dare you assume I’d be into you. [A Covenant of Thorns]
I’ll show off all my arms with a sleeveless top, no problem. If it’s got generous enough arm holes, you might even see some “tasteful side boob.” [Garbage] Why stop there? Why not add a plunging V neckline? Good luck keeping your boner down, men. I am the sexiest seductress there ever was. I am a master with the spackle and spray paint I put over my face to make it look like I perpetually just had sex and I’m like twenty years younger than I actually am. [Aerosmith] And if I’m feeling particularly fun, I’ll spritz myself with some glitter, vainly splattering a resource we will never get back all over my body just so I can bitch about it being everywhere in my bedroom later after I thought I washed it all down the drain.
I’m not at all responsible for what I do to make your blood boil; you are mutts who do not deserve to look at this queen. [Baha Men] Nay, goddess. [Christina Perri] Fuck you for wanting to fuck me. [Ingrid Michaelson] I’m not an object, even though I totally just fell into the trap of objectifying myself just for all of humanity to see. [Fiona Apple] Forget that I caved into rape culture / peer pressure that all my feminazi friends subscribe to and dressed like “every” whore woman in existence. [Godsmack] Except all those practical bitches over there and the Muslim women over there and the couple of Jehovah’s witnesses over there. [Guster] They obviously don’t want a man in their lives and have no idea how to keep one. [Sirens] Look at them in their comfortable sweat pants, long, long skirts, and otherwise shapeless attire. [Cake] How pathetic can you get? [Delta Rae] [If only she knew a real man thinks their beautiful wife is bangable no matter what she’s wearing.]
I have no shame. [Fefe Dobson] My lips are swollen with Botox injections (and that spot between my brows), pouty and covered in just the right shade of “come fuck me, baby,” my thighs don’t even touch for the slightest veneer of modesty, and I am ready to hitch up this skirt any second and go at it with Mr. Pitt. [Nine Inch Nails] In fact, he’s late, my ‘do is starting to fall apart, and my perfection will crack at the seams once again any minute now. Don’t keep me waiting… [Imagine Dragons]
Come on, lover boy… what are you waiting for? [Jack Off Jill] I spent $500.00 this month to look so comely and you’re ignoring my cute little pout that I practiced in the mirror for thirty hours. [Mike Diva] Why don’t you succumb to my perfect charms and feminine wiles? [Drain STH] Is it because a girl who looked just like me told you off for telling her that she had a bangable body just yesterday? [Drain STH] That feminazi bitch don’t know what she’s missing. [Moloko]
Is it because you already have a girlfriend and you can’t decide if you want to cheat on her yet? [Garbage] I’ll let you slide, just this once, handsome man. [Avril Lavigne] I’m the kind of woman who’s a dime a dozen, but I’ll cost you far, far more than that if you happen to be in lust with me and let me know all about it. [B.B. King] Except, don’t use direct commentary like all those common folks I disdain and call out for their sexual harassment; dance around the bush and tell me with your gaze instead of your words. Then it’s okay for you to be a common dickhead. [Soft Cell]
Once I have you ensnared, you’re going to have to make my car payments for me. [Twenty One Pilots] I’m just not capable of it, even though I need the freedom. [Iron Maiden] Once I have your eyes on me, you can pay for the salon time, baby. [Wrathchild America] You can support me and my outlandish desire to advertise how fucking hot I am to every man just so you can flaunt to them that I am yours. [Del Amitri]
That is, until a richer Brad Pitt comes along. [Pat Benatar] I’m totally yours until then. Totally. [Ava Max] You can even put a rock on my finger and I’ll play kissy face until the break of dawn. [Ani DiFranco] I’ll gladly use it as a down payment on my next car once I drive you off with my perfect “I’m crazy and you’re an asshole” routine I’ve literally patented because I hate men for objectifying me [because I’ve objectified myself now with the help of the feminazis and I don’t know how to get out of this trap, but running to the richest Brad Pitt there is must be the fucking answer! [Ani DiFranco] I’ve done this a dozen times now, there’s no flaw in this system whatsoever. [Ani DiFranco] History is not stuck on repeat.] It works every time and makes you think something is wrong with you because I’m perfect. [Alanis Morissette]
I have no sense, either. [The Raconteurs] A woman called me out on the internet for selling out to misogyny and I cried wolf to the big bad moderator to come swoop in and save me on this stupid server that’s supposed to be about religion, [REM] not my whining ground for bitching because I chose the sluttiest Halloween costume I could find and Monday is the day. [Leah Andreone]
I’m insecure in my choice but also I have to start bitching now so that these common heathens know they’re not allowed to look at my great tracks of land on display, begging for a flag to be planted in them. Conquered, in a word. [Justin Timberlake ft. Timbaland] Only a Brad Pitt can conquer me, bro. [Joan Jet] In fact, only the version of Brad Pitt from Troy may conquer me, and only if he’s dressed up as that version of Brad Pitt, too. [Katy Perry] And only if he’s got diamonds in his eyes and wants to put a ring on my hand with a ginormous shiny rock so I can validate myself while looking at this useless hunk of glitzy glamour day in and day out. [Lorde] A reminder that I am now property while that man can gallivant around ringless himself. [Queen] White goes with everything and I’m going to be just like every other cunning whore and get the biggest diamond possible. [Steam Powered Giraffe] It shows the world I’m valuable and not at all an object, y’know? [Joan Jet] I’m not owned. It’s just the custom! I’m going to break it off when I’m bored of getting what I want anyway. Don’t judge me! I’m just exchanging my sex for stuff. It’s totally legit. [Madonna]
I have no logic to stand my ground with, which is why I can’t win against the rape survivor that just cut me to shreds over my own incredibly and unjustly biased comment that put all men in the dog house without even trying. [Whitesnake] It was so efficient, too; I showed proper disdain for everyone. Even though I said I didn’t want to continue the conversation, I couldn’t help it. She stirred up an emotional response in me by defending the gentlemen of the world from me. Li’l ol’ perfect me. [Chevelle] Can you fucking believe it? She told me that I’m wrong! Well, I never!
I have to fight with her because it’s my right to walk around undressed and never be harassed for it. These male moderators are totally going to side with me because they know exactly how hot I am based on my shameless and shallow (and stupid) argument, even though I totally indicated they’re dogs, too, by failing to be particular with my whiny bitchy rant that was longer than most of the chit chat surrounding it and totally made it easy to see why I was counter-argued with from a logical standpoint about how not all men are evil. [Ani DiFranco] I know the volume of my content made me the rightest one! How dare she write more than I did and make sense. [Dani Shay] She was even civil, at that. That girl can go fuck herself for calling me out on my lapse in reason. Me!!! [10 Years] I am a queen bee and I’m going to win by throwing the moderator at her. [The White Stripes] You just wait and see! [Fischerspooner]
I escalated the entire conversation all by myself, one comment after another. [Sarina Paris] I huffed and I puffed, but I couldn’t blow her house of cards down. [Miley Cyrus] I guess they weren’t mere cardboard, after all. She totally doesn’t have a leg to stand on, telling me it’s partly my fault rape culture exists because I dress like a whore. [Ani DiFranco] I have every right to be a whore without being treated like a whore! [Ani DiFranco] It’s like a God-given right, isn’t it? I can’t believe the moderator sided with her for telling me that I’m actually part of rape culture for wearing this outlandish getup that leaves zilch to the imagination of men dogs. [Ani DiFranco]
And then she dared to write the perspective of a man, as if he couldn’t help himself at all for looking at anything vaguely flesh-colored because as he scans a room (or even the outdoors), his eyes home in on anything vaguely like human skin, his brain instantly activating from the mere fleeting suggestion of naked woman on the horizon. [Maroon 5] As if men have to fight the urge to touch my beautiful mountains and delve into my wondrous valleys when they are close in proximity to me. They’re not meant to be that way at all and they should learn to stop being the animal they are. [Duran Duran] I am simply not the problem. She is victim shaming me. I am a survivor of sexual harassment! [Katelyn Tarver]
I’ve never been raped, so I can’t stand toe to toe with her on that, but I have been wronged. [Lindsey Stirling] So many men come up to me while I dress myself like a whore, you wouldn’t believe it! [LMFAO] It’s well within my right to show off to you how beautiful I am and how disdainful I am of anyone not nearly as beautiful as me to call me out on wearing next to nothing. [Ani DiFranco] I wear what makes me look good so I can fluff up my ego, trying to love myself after another night of visually whoring around. [Cheap Trick] It’s exhausting, being wanked to by hundreds of men every day without my consent, even though it never surpasses my subconscious. [Right Said Fred]
These men and their surreptitious actions make me hate myself even more and it’s confusing because I don’t even know why consciously. [Rob Thomas] Literally, running through their minds is hurting my sense of self, but I just can’t believe it because I can never meditate long enough to hear the echoes in my head myself. Without proof, it cannot be real. Can it? [Cage the Elephant]
I must confess that beauty is pain, so it doesn’t feel good. [Ke$ha] These stiletto heels [Sirens] are killer after two hours of dancing, pinching my toes from my feet being bent into an unreal position just so my ass juts out properly to make all the men want to hump it. I’m raping myself to look this great, to achieve this countenance of motherfucking perfection and I want the entire world to appreciate it, but only if they look like Brad Pitt — that’s the only time I want to know they appreciate it. [Robin Thicke] Only if they have a six pack of abs, not a six pack of beer and a cheesy pick up line. A girl’s gotta have standards, amirite? [The Beatles]
I can’t believe that vile Sansara woman(?) pulled the rape victim card. [Lily Allen] She says survivor, but what does she know? [Ani DiFranco] She has to be wrong. I’ve been right my whole life and I have packs of hyenas that pretend they’re women to back me up, too; together, we’ll unite and prove to the world that we’re right and, more importantly, she’s wrong. [Janelle Monae / Erykah Badu]
A whole buncha feminazis have been backing me up in my bitchy whore mode for eternity already, so it’s in the bag. [Tori Amos] I don’t even have to think anymore; I’ve had this complaint for eons and I’ve never had to defend myself, especially not from a woman! [Ani DiFranco] How dare she force me to think about anyone else’s perspective. What an evil whore. [In This Moment]
What the fuck is wrong with her? [for KING & COUNTRY] We feminazis are right because the argument we have has never changed, not one twitch. [Amanda Palmer] We must dress for sex but never accept it from the lowlifes that comment on our bodies. [No Doubt] Except if they’re rich and beautiful, anyway. [Marilyn Manson] We’ve been taught quality! [Shania Twain] It’s okay if he tells me I’m bangable because he’s hot and I want to bang him, too. [Lords of Acid] But the rest of reality needs to be at arm’s length and leave me the hell alone. Aren’t you a mind reader??? Don’t you know who you are?! [Dresden Dolls] Stop sexually harassing me just because I don’t know what real clothes look like! I demand you change because I’m stuck in this cycle of misogynistic bullshit with blinders on, to be frank, and I’m perfect. [CAKE] I’m sure you got that fucking memo by now, dirt bag. [Wheatus]
You should know that you are a scum bag just for thinking about getting with me. [The Killers] Even if it was only for 1/100th of a second and all because of my two hours of striving for perfection actually sorta worked on you. [Eve 6] You’re a complete dick just for looking at my wares that are so proudly on display, the two hours of self-care and self-love I showered myself with so I could draw your eye and scorn you while I instead say that I did it so I could fuck myself. [Bob Dylan] [Wait, that’s not… what the fuck is she writing? This isn’t my brain anymore.] [Justin Bieber]
It wasn’t Mr. Pitt’s eye that was drawn to my body like a magnet, so now I’m mad. [Moloko] Screw you for looking at me like a slab of meat instead of a person. [:Wumpscut:] I deserve love! [Steve Vai] But you don’t because you don’t look like a Brad Pitt to me. [Alestorm] You look ordinary. Go fuck yourself, buddy; this goddess is waiting for a god. [The Donnas] You don’t qualify, I can tell just by the looks of your sleazy mustache. [Queen] I can tell by your lack of abs. [Marianas Trench] I can tell because you smile too broadly. [Tool] I can tell because your eyes are on my face. [Tyr] I mean… aren’t. Yeah. Aren’t on my face. [Collective Soul]
You’re not allowed to court a woman like me. [Beborn Beton] I’m out of your fucking league, buddy. [Jean Knight] There’s nothing you can do that can ever change my mind, not even if you quote Hamlet to me. [Switchblade Symphony] Not even if you recite a poem you’ve memorized all about love. Not even if you memorized a Shakespearean sonnet that screams “I like women for what’s in their hearts.” Not even if you wrote a dissertation on misogyny and how much you hate it. Not even if you genuinely want to get to know the me. Nay, you will never sway me on my self-objectifying position. Never. [Vertical Horizon]
I know what I’m looking for and he has to fit a mold or he doesn’t deserve my inner beauty one bit. [Diary of Dreams] He doesn’t deserve my catty bull shit, my whining, my endless tantrums, paying my bills, and keeping me happy 100% of the time even though I don’t know how to make up my mind. [Mushroomhead] I’m vapid, I’m shallow, and I’m shy. All I really know if it’s not torture, boys aren’t interested in love. [Taylor Swift] I’m an expert torture smith and manipulative cunt; I’ve already shown you this by rejecting you for no reason other than you’re not Brad Pitt. [Flobots] (Forget that Mr. Pitt is taken, I want him. I’m perfect, don’t you know? And I’m totally thinking about him every time you take me to bed anyway because he’s my version of perfect. That’s why I go out of my way to look exactly like everyone he’s ever courted to the best of my ability. Yup, that’s where you’ve seen me before.) [You’re a raping whore if you do this, by the way, no matter what gender you are or who it is you fantasize about. Alone in bed or not.]
I don’t know what to even say to you losers anymore. [Emilie Autumn] I told you, this bikini bod and bikini are for me. [The Offspring] I’m going to play sand volleyball in it and demand you never look at my bouncing Betties. [Gravity Kills] I’m going to say you’re wrong for watching me run around, limbs akimbo, daydreaming about what could be if only I was into a guy like you. I’m not. You already know I’m not because I’ve made it abundantly clear. [Guano Apes]
I huff and I puff and I try to blow your house of cards down. [Green Jello] If you don’t fold, I’ll go run back to the feminazis for support. They dress like I do. [Theory of a Deadman] They wear all the same things I do. [Tom Petty] In fact, we’re basically carbon copies of each other, patting each other on the back as we try this makeup and that amazing push-up bra and these yoga pants that make our ass look like two firm melons squeezed into something two sizes too small. [Project Pitchfork]
We trade our misogyny-pleasing hacks and tips over the coffee that kills our appetite for breakfast as we starve ourselves skinny. [Alessia Cara] They won’t tell me that I’m wrong. [Chevelle] They’ll tell me all of you are wrong. [Seether] We are so right it hurts us all the time. My proof is in your sexual harassment! [Ludo] Beauty is pain and every ounce of pain makes me more and more bitter and less and less accepting of anything less than the illusion and the perpetual myth of absolute perfection. [The Rogues] You need to hurt yourself in order to be on par with me, you know. [Rogue Traders] You need to put in your two hours at the gym, just like I put in two hours in front of the mirror. It’s the only way we can be made for each other.[Acumen Nation]
The rest of you “men?” [Faith and the Muse] You’re not supposed to notice me looking my best but at the same time I’m going to have a tantrum if you don’t. [Nine Inch Nails] You’re not supposed to realize that there’s only a thin layer of cloth in between me and you. [Nine Inch Nails] Remember: I don’t want you, filthy fornicating asshole with a goofy mustache. [Rush] You’re not supposed to be aroused at my flesh… not unless you’re in my bedroom with my consent! [Taylor Swift]
Forget that I left absolutely nothing to your imagination! [Butthole Surfers] Forget that I look like I just had sex, too! [Spin Doctors] I could be in bed right now, enjoying the afterglow, if you just spray paint me beige and add a couple of perky pink nipples and a little hair here. [Primus] Or, better yet, don’t even bother with the hair. [Red Hot Chili Peppers] Indulge your inner pedophiliac tendencies, go ahead, I’m totally making it easier than ever before.
Good thing you have plenty of porn to help remind you what all the lady parts look like, huh? [4 Non Blondes] All you have to do is put my head on that body and voila, it’s you and me, baby. [Macklemore] I mean: Fuck you, loser, for daring to remember what the fuck I look like even though it seared itself into your fucking brain on accident because your brain liked what I looked like so much it imprinted on you. [King Missile] Fuck you for looking at me while I seek a god. [Bleachers]
Here’s to you, Brad Pitt look-alike. [Men Without Hats] I’m making eyes at you across the bar. [Cobra Starship] I came here to taunt all the other men with my illusory perfection yet again, disdaining each and every one of them until you get the hint and ask me to dance. [Walk The Moon] I’m afraid one of them — those guys who are supposed to look at me in complete adoration without salivating over me and wanting to bang me — is going to put rohypnol in my drink while I’m not looking, but take me away to the dance floor, babe! [Katy Perry]
I’m not afraid of you. [Imogen Heap] You’re too handsome to rape me. You’re too handsome for anything coming out of your mouth to be anything but enchanting. Marry me! [Bruno Mars] Or better yet, just buy me a big shiny ring and hang your hopes up next to the door on the coat rack so I can break up with you once you’re in love with my game and keep it like the bitch I am. [Rob Zombie] It’s mine. I did all this hard work to earn it. [Primus] You’re a loser for falling for my tricks, especially the ones between my legs. [Rob Zombie] It was never true love, you weren’t Brad Pitt after all, and now I have to make you pay for fooling me. [Katy Perry]
Forget that you already wasted three grand on me, jackal. [White Zombie] I am worth ten times every penny. [Aloe Blacc] You’ve got to pay to be with a woman like me! [CeeLo] I am going to make sure it’s more than my fair share because you objectified me [because I objectified myself for you to begin with in order to get your attention and you just kept up the pretense until it all fell apart and I figured out I hate myself, so now I have to hate you for enabling me to hate myself but I can’t admit I actually just hate myself and it’s all me and not at all you, as it turns out, aside from my poor taste in men. [Stabbing Westward] (But Brad! Your six pack! It’s so enchanting, marry me!)] (Does she ever realize she’s objectified men, as well? Who knows, dear reader. I sincerely hope she dies in a fire for being a vain bimbo.) [Gnarls Barkley]
You didn’t love what was underneath, you bastard! [Stabbing Westward] I don’t even love what’s underneath, that’s why I dress it up in a thousand dollar outfit, put on a flawless façade, adorn myself with the pain of Mother Earth, put poison on my fingertips, cover myself in fancy smelling poison by spraying a cloud of it around me, and strut my stuff in nearly my birthday suit… all while telling you to go fuck yourself for being attracted to someone who doesn’t have the sense to put some fucking clothes on instead of being a slut day in and day out. [Charlie Puth]
You no longer have the privilege of actually getting this pillow princess, by the way, so out you go. Pack your shit up and don’t you dare take a single thing I whined at you to buy for me. [Nya Jade] It was a gift, right? I deserve to keep everything. It’s mine, fair and square! Screw you for being a hard-working individual that wanted to pamper me to show me you gave a shit about whatever I whined, bitched, and moaned about day in and day out. Screw you for putting up with my relentless materialism, self-objectification, AND the objectification of you. Screw you for never saving me from MYSELF! [Jack Off Jill]
What do you mean I’m a walking tragedy? [Maroon 5] What do you mean I have too many double standards? What do you mean you’re not going to take it back that clothes, hair, perfume, and makeup are part of the problem? Sansara, you’re a bitch. [Mary Lambert] Go to Hell right now! [AC/DC] Waaaah!!! I want my feminazi mommy now. [MC Hammer] She always tells me I’m right and boys are wrong! I clearly meant only the shitty boys who sexually harass me shouldn’t be sexually harassing me even though what I wrote applied to males as a blanket statement and didn’t even elaborate on sexual harassment because I called them compliments instead of harassment! I am NOT responsible for my words or my actions! [Taylor Swift]
[Blind Melon] How fucking dare you challenge my morally superior and ungrounded / unfounded view points with a logical counter argument that women should take control of how they dress instead of endlessly putting negative energy out into the fucking universe just because they can’t stomach being told that they’re going to be every passing man’s fantasy. [Blondie] Waaah! Fuck me for being fuckable! [Alice Cooper] Fuck you for taking that the wrong way! [Daft Punk & Friends] Fuck everyone not agreeing with me, I am an insufferable and implacable wretch! [Demi] (She’s got that right. I hate that woman already.)
I’ve been told men are the problem all my life and they’re still the problem, no matter how much I whine and bitch and moan and complain and make sure you know sexual harassment is not okay. [Disturbed] It was never okay, but I’m really sure now it’s less okay than ever before. [Jefferson Airplane] Forget that we’ve been fighting about it for hundreds of years, or possibly since the dawn of history and the patriarchal society we find ourselves in today! [Easter Egg] Forget that this is a fight we never win. Clearly, repeating and regurgitating what my femimommy taught me is going to win this war. [Rosetta Stone] It’s gonna do it. Any day now. I’ll stare at my watch until it happens. [Eminem ft. Rihanna]
How dare you defend the gentlemen and the underdogs of the world from me. [Jessie J] My narrow view point should be everyone’s view point! I’m going to tell everyone to fuck off about your view point because it’s not the regurgitated garbage I am comforted by. I need to be coddled, baby. Give me all you got. [Son of Rust]
Forget that you’ve actually experienced the worst of the worst. [Daniel Licht] I’ve got it so bad. [Skillet] What you experienced is worthless to this conversation! I don’t care that you dress like you don’t give a shit and all year you’ve only received three compliments. [Alestorm] It’s October and I receive three sexual harassments a day! [VX vs. Deathboy] Do the math yourself, I’m far too lazy to quantify how much bull shit I’ve taken just to look this perfect and sexy. [LMFAO] I must maintain my misogynistic status quo or I’ll lose my Brad Pitt! [Bree Sharp] He loves me for what’s underneath it all, you know. [Whitney] I can’t lose him, he’s how I validate myself, even though I just told you that I dress myself like the whore of Babylon in order to validate myself! [Coil] I don’t need a man, I do need a man… [Linkin Park] (Poor daisies, everywhere: He loves me, he loves me not… I love me [Lights], I love me not… [Bif Naked])
Not to mention that I won’t know how to fill all this time I currently waste by dragging the eyes of horny men to my bangin’ body and making them walk all the way over to me to try to get my number and stuff. [Tommy Tutone] It doesn’t fluff up my narcissistic ego at all. [Ani DiFranco] Nope. I’ll be so bored when I no longer have to fend off the coyotes and the wolves at every twist and turn just to do my grocery shopping. [Acid Wolfpack] Whatever will I do with that $500.00 a month I stop spending on my appearance if I stop trying so hard to be what all the boys want to take home to fuck? [Drowning Pool]
What kind of hobbies can a real girl get when they’re not spending two hours a day on their appearance? [Diary of Dreams] I’m seriously afraid of losing sight of myself because of this novel and new idea you’ve put into my brain, Sansara, therefore I fucking hate you for disturbing my equilibrium built on faulty assumptions. [Julia Brennan] You vile bitch. [Pantera]
It’s taken hold, hours and hours after you logged off to have a real life outside of the computer. [Papa Roach] How dare you make this argument so compelling. [Fuel] I’m too used to misogyny, I’ll just ignore the fuck out of you cuz I’m done telling you how much it sucks being the target of male interest that I don’t even want even though I dress like a fucking whore every single day without fail. [Incubus] It’s not my fault this is the trendy, fashionable thing to do. [Dandy Warhols] It’s not my fault I do not value my inner beauty. [Astral Projection] I hate you for being right, you know. Just go to Hell already. In a hand basket. [The Rolling Stones]
My self-esteem is nothing if I cannot look in the mirror and say to myself, “Wow. My body is kickin’. My curves aren’t even close to quittin’! Look at that bodacious babe looking back at me!” [Godsmack] This is an excuse we gave that bitch Sansara, too. [Eels] She doesn’t understand; she’s not well-endowed, she’s not like us. [Crystal Method] She’s not even pretty, I bet. [Seven Mary Three] We tried to tell her we’re super duper curvy, but she didn’t care. [Faith No More] Our protests were meaningless because they are unfounded. She totally ignored that we highlighted we’re attractive by default altogether!
The whole server is talking about whores, sluts, and everything in between even though it’s supposed to be all about religion and she even showed us what nice comfy Aladdin pants she wears in another channel to get around assholes coming onto her. [Ani DiFranco] She told us to dress like hobos to stop the sexual harassment! What kind of advice is that? [Imagine Dragons] I’ll never get a man to tell me how much they want to rape me out loud if I don’t dress like a whore! I need to agree with the critical gay man’s eye on what is beautiful in a woman before I can feel okay with myself! [Matchbox 20]
As if to spite us all, another woman agreed that being in baggy clothes with soup stains equated to less wolf whistling, honking, and all-around genuinely disappointing standard typical misogynistic male behavior. [t.a.T.u.] As if I would ever be caught dead in something that didn’t make every man from here to the ocean rise to the occasion. How dare she! [Ani DiFranco]
Now I feel judged for my whorish Cleopatra costume that shows off all my assets for that kickin’ party I was invited to. [The Bangles] Just when I’m ready to go on the prowl, too. Halloween is always great for that [girl in red] — right in time to bring home some new unsuspecting patsy for Thanksgiving dinner and, if I’m lucky, extort an expensive Christmas gift [Me First and the Gimme Gimmes] out of (even if I’m a non-Christian or irreligious bitch in general) and then dump just after a New Year’s kiss or maybe after Valentine’s day so I can start the cycle all over again with the next poor bastard who will fall for my cunning ways. [Puddle of Mudd]
It depends on how good in bed he is if he’s gonna last ’til Valentine’s, obviously. [Brand New] But, just to be maximum trickster, I’m going to wait at least a month or two after I want to dump him to actually do it, making him completely miserable every moment until then to extract payment for how he failed to love my core self. [Blue October] He’ll never figure out why I ditched him then. I must have my revenge, after all, for tricking him into treating me just like I treat myself: like an object of no intrinsic value outside of lying flat on my back and faking a few orgasms in order to get everything handed to me on a silver platter. [Lords of Acid] It’s hard work, faking it all the time, but I need to do it so I can earn those salon visits, ladies. [Imagine Dragons]
Still, my mission is very clear here. Just because that Sansara bitch (who has no picture) is too ugly to get attention while she’s dressed like a bum doesn’t mean I’m cut from the same cloth at all. [Ani DiFranco] I don’t really need to air brush on a face every day; I do it because I have standards. I do it because it makes me feel good for about ten minutes (or hours, if I’m really lucky and shallow that day), admiring my handiwork, while I stare at my reflection, pretending I am becoming Narcissus. [Wrathchild America] I must be Narcissus — that is, I must love what I’m looking at on the outside — just to feel good on the inside. [Lords of Acid]
The inside is all that matters and I’ve got to make it feel fine somehow. [Dream Theater] It can’t be that I’m starving myself or falling prey to malnutrition and it makes me one cranky or depressed bitch trying to keep my size zero waistline so that men can imagine lifting me into the air on top of their cocks. [Alestorm] Nope, not that at all. [Ludo] I seriously just need to love myself and I can’t do that with all these lustful men telling me how beautiful I am without my permission. [Cars] I have to be the one to judge that and say it to myself, yet I can never do it without trying to meet a fornicator’s standards. [Of Monsters and Men] Fuck all men for pigeon holing me; I will never come out. THIS IS MY HOME! [Alice Merton]
Forget that phoney bologna about needing to be loved on the inside. [Evanescence] I can’t follow my own unrealistic demands when it comes to loving myself because I’m a massive hypocrite [Jack Off Jill] that hides behind my feminazi pals that egg me on and tell me I’m doing the world a service by being a shitty woman to every man who dares not be born with a winning ticket in the genetic lottery in our gene pool. [I’ve got a golden ticket.] [Beth Crowley]
[Forget that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, too, and my extremely narrow idea of what is beautiful is really what is limiting everyone right here, right now. [Jesus Jones] Forget that. I’m motherfucking perfect and you are a shit stain on The Universe(TM). [Juno Reactor]] (If I took the time to develop a real personality, maybe this cycle of torture would end? Nah, that sounds too simple. Besides, then I couldn’t bitch and moan about how I’m being mistreated. That’s my status quo, I can’t change it now. It’s too ingrained after a decade of parroting my feminazi friends. Were they even raped? Do they have the right street cred???) [Shireen]
In short, to summarize my plight and recap my thesis: [Tom Petty]
You’re ugly and you don’t deserve to look at this whore’s body that took two entire hours to create the illusion of. Go away with your unwanted attention before I call the thought police on you! You’re too icky for me. (Unless you say the magic words to fluff up my poor ego. It needs fluffed, won’t you do it for me?) [for KING & COUNTRY]
I don’t want to know that you are going to accidentally rape me while you masturbate just because being the prettiest streetwalker you saw today made me pop up in your head (against your will) the very moment you reached an orgasm. I want need to dress like a streetwalker instead of a respectable woman because my intrinsic (and highly objectified) value depends upon it.[Slayer]
~Hello!~ We ditched the Victorian times for a reason. We aren’t Muslims, we do not wear hijabs, we will never dress in a way that will allow men’s eyes to gloss right over us. Instead, we must stand out and we must taunt you with all our wares so you can understand how little you’re worth because we don’t value ourselves one bit, hypocrites that we are, while we force you to rape both us and yourselves because we have zero sense and love shitting on each other all the time. It’s your fault that nature is nature, you know. I am perfect and have zero blame in this matter. [Korn ft. Skrillex]
The End.
I apologize to Brad Pitt for using him so casually in my creative writing. I sincerely hope no Brad Pitts were harmed in the making of this short narrative.
Psst… every man is handsome.
Psst… no woman should have to dress like a whore to feel good about themself.
Psst… you are part of the problem until you decide to be part of the solution.
#VivaLaRomance
Angel-Sansara 