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What Is Fornication?

I think y’all need a lesson in love, friends.

Fornication isn’t as straightforward as it seems and I know that. In fact, it takes a mind reader to know exactly how it works. Now that I know (and I’ve wept ever so bitterly for it), let me tell you what it is:

  1. If you think of anything but the sexual act you are currently engaged in, it’s fornication.

Oh, wait, it’s not that complicated.

But what does that mean?!

  • Being reminded of an ex in the middle of sex.
  • Thinking about anyone while masturbating (unless they are right there, consenting.)
  • Thinking about anyone not in the room, clothes off, consensually with you.
  • Thinking about anything but what’s going on, including work, taking your shoes off, et cetera.
  • Going faster than the other person can handle/desires.
  • Intentionally elongating the act to boost your own ego.
  • Intentionally elongating the act without your partner’s consent.
  • Finishing too fast without your partner; our bodies are made to make love with one another and, when connected, will climax at the same time.
  • Thinking about television randomly while fucking or the last book you read or your family reunion.
  • Fucking. This is not love-making.
  • Intentionally ‘edging’ the other party without their explicit verbal consent.
  • Doing anything against the other person’s wishes.
  • Instigating sex while they’re not in the mood and unwilling to get in the mood.
  • Coercion of any kind.
  • Emotional manipulation of any kind.
  • Spiritual manipulation of any kind. (Harder to detect but still possible.)
  • Not being in the moment. It’d be best to just STOP.
  • Man-handling your partner.
  • Any sort of unsolicited pain during the act, great or small.
  • Refusing to try things your partner wishes to try. Why are you with them if you’re not willing to fulfill them? (To fornicate narcissist style, that’s what.)
  • Refusing to take your partner’s efforts into consideration and being a grumpysaurus rex about it. (Fornication is complex, remember?)

One more way to state it:

Proper consummation and celebration of two bodies comes when the two individuals are completely in the moment with each other, enjoying each other as much as possible and staying on the same page.

If this does not describe the last time you had sex, you’re a fornicator.

Repent or die.

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