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What’s There to Worship?

I wonder to myself that very thing, once I catch God trying to fuck with my head again. For instance, after I called him on his hours-long lamentation about a lavender shirt with a plaid jacket [I was cold, dammit, end of mystery], I remember him saying out loud, “Whoops! She caught me!” I think it ended when I challenged “the man in my head” to meet me at Barnes & Noble on his day off while I was looking for a specific book.

Then I found what I needed online:

I wanted to read multiple versions at once, thinking I’d gain greater insight. I just got a bigger headache.

God assures me constantly to stay the course. That deli man is my future husband! (We’ve been through this a couple times with different people already, so… spoiler alert… I really doubt it.)

And in other news, the meat from County Farms makes my stomach turn. I’m literally sick after eating it. I surmise it must have a filler. Straight up beef don’t do that to my tummy. In fact, we ended the eating of bison from Wegmans in much the same vein: it started turning my tummy for a loop. I hate being so sensitive to foods. On the other hand, yay, I can avoid poison?

Either way, here I sit, eating a few formerly frozen strawberries in about two teaspoons of oatmeal, hoping to soothe myself somehow instead of being in gut-burning hell. (Also mentioned in Lamentations, might I add.)

1:11; 1:20; 1:21; 1:22.

I know what the book says. It’s nothing like what I’m saying, sadly.

Let me tell you something from 1:21/1:22: God has promised me that all those who ignore me will befall my very same fate and they will not have The Cure(TM). Book 2 is all about feasting/eating, in essence, and how God’s angry and wrathful and consumes without hesitation. That is, before it elaborates on how I was wronged. In 2:12, it specifically mentions a lack of grain and wine, of which I cannot partake in either safely. The only reason we’re eating oatmeal is to test whether or not I’ve moved enough to make the enzymes to digest it or not.

Perhaps I never get that back, no matter what I do.

And then, for something completely different, chapter 3 is about Jeremiah witnessing it all, apparently. And he no less blames God for being led astray. This is a theme throughout the book that I cannot deny. God supposedly leads all astray, to wickedness. (I thought that was supposed to be Satan, you know?)

And then, like throughout the whole damn book, they refer to the LORD, which I have come to understand to be God himself, but nay, he is the LORD of HOSTS. Did you know? FUN FACT! Odin was called The Lord of Hosts. It was one of his many titles, actually. He had like 12 or so.

III. Gangleri began his questioning thus: “Who is foremost, or oldest, of all the gods?” Hárr answered: “He is called in our speech Allfather, but in the Elder Ásgard he had twelve names: one is Allfather; the second is Lord, or Lord of Hosts; the third is Nikarr, or Spear-Lord; the fourth is Nikudr, or Striker; the fifth is Knower of Many Things; the sixth, Fulfiller of Wishes; the seventh, Far-Speaking One; the eighth, The Shaker, or He that Putteth the Armies to Flight; the ninth, The Burner; the tenth, The Destroyer; the eleventh, The Protector; the twelfth, Gelding.””

[Go here for the full text. You can search on the word Host to find the specific spot.]

The Wikipedia, of course, takes a less blasphemous approach than the literal translation of the Prose Edda, indicating Odin’s the Leader of Hosts. Go figure… I’m telling you right now I’ve linked you to the official translation of the book where we all know Odin from. (Well, one out of two. The other is the Poetic Edda.) P.S. Odin is from Turkey.

The Prose Edda explains how to interpret the Poetic Edda. I haven’t bothered yet, I’m still waiting for my tiny brain to adjust to the fact that essentially The 13th Warrior is about Odin. (I mean, not exactly, but close enough.)

I ranted about this before, but you should know Asgard was Troy.

Anyway, if God’s so great, why do y’all have to pray to him to stop injustice?

Furthermore, and far more interesting to me, what if Odin was the original Santa Claus? He is called Jǫlfuðr, or Yule Father, after all.

And honestly, could he be Jesus reborn? Could we have already seen the foretold event? Or is it all hogwash because the messiah was always a woman, just like Joan of Arc?

I’ve already had a thought that Jesus and Santa could be one and the same… I mean, seriously, the man who was “Santa Claus” is so legendary in his kindness we still “worship” him today by telling children they get presents from him for being good little boys and girls. [He was a real person, I’m sure of that. Just like Jesus Christ is purportedly real, though I’m less sure of that now that I’ve lived with God for 18 months.]

[Well, he existed. Did he do anything miraculous? Perhaps not.]

[It was his mother.]

[Who writes an entire fucking book to make life all patriarchal for the sake of it?!]

[Oh, right. Judas.]

[He was jealous, y’all.]

Now on to my next heathenistic thought: what if Jesus is also a Buddha?

[Yeah, I don’t care that heathenistic isn’t a word, dictionary. Eat it.]

And then she pressed Publish.

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