She’s lovely, honestly. ❤ I want to fill her up with my love. I didn’t see her today, though I had hoped she would have come in around the time I was getting off my shift. I was so determined to ask her for her number, too.
I had the strangest dream last night. It’s still boggling my mind, too. I had a dream that I was gay and, during the course of this dream, she returned the ring I had given her to me, gently closing my hand around it as she explained that I needed to choose me as well as choosing her. At first, this was confusing, but the more she spoke, the more it made sense. If I didn’t love me and her both, it wasn’t going to work. That’s what she meant.
I’m in love. I hate saying that because I haven’t even met her. I don’t even know if her name is Crystal, “spelled just like the rock!” I want to kiss her until she melts, I know it… maybe you’ll understand why by the time I finish writing and maybe you won’t.
In this dream, I was gay, so she told me that I shouldn’t be with her. Instead, I should be with a man because that is what would make me truly happy. I couldn’t stop from telling her how much I wanted to shove my you-know-what in her ass and she was just like, “Well, this has happened before… it’s okay to be gay! You were made that way and you shouldn’t try to be any other way.” She didn’t say exactly that… I can’t remember her eloquent soliloquy. I can remember her saying I gave her a Freddie vibe… as in Freddie Mercury.
Whatever it was that she did say, it slayed me. I was standing there in the dream, holding her hand as just her friend… and she was asking me what kinds of guys I was interested in. It didn’t even phase her that we were having this conversation in the least. I remember I was falling in love with her with every new word coming out of her mouth… I was too busy feeling to try to memorize the content, but now I feel like a fool because it was truly heart-warming.
There is one really strange thing she said to me that stood out in the sea of eloquence, though how I’m going to say it is nowhere close to how she said it. She said something like if I found someone else who was also in love with her (and me) and we approached her hand in hand to marry her, she’d definitely think about it. I was thinking, “Say what? What world will that happen in?” And then I remembered I was dreaming.
STILL… thinking about the fact that she is most likely real, sitting around her apartment, sipping coffee and chatting with me in my dreams… it’s something bizarre. It’s like something you read about in weird pro-pride romance novels. Nobody wants a trio, do they? She said she’d never had sex with more than one person at once (nor did she want to), but she’d consider marrying two men? And then later, she said something about being monogamous… so either she’s confused, I’m confused, or something got lost in translation.
She was being incredibly sensitive and she even told me she did care about me. She said she loved me, actually. And the only way to express true love was to let me go, to let me seek my happiness alone. She put her own feelings aside so that I could figure things out with my future husband. I didn’t have anyone in mind, and the whole dream I was trying to tell her that I wanted to be with her and her alone, but that never came out.
Then, another man was there, observing us. She never let go of my hand, even though I sensed the other man wanted her romantic attention. She healed me, too. That’s what she calls it, anyway. She kissed my forehead and an intense pulse of light emanated from it and suddenly I was pleasantly warm from the inside out. She told me she wanted me to be at peace, and then suddenly she was actually Jesus Christ and there was a cross put on my forehead in blood. Her blood, I think. And she told me she wanted me to get better, no matter what that meant, and that she loved me, no matter where I went.
Her only regret was that if I couldn’t keep it G-rated in my mind, she would have to stop being friends with me because she didn’t want to force her future husband to compete for her romantic attention. All this while there was a man standing right there, watching. A man I didn’t recognize at all. He, too, had glasses, like I do. He had short hair, which was a medium brown color, and he was taller than I am. I didn’t like him… there was something about him I truly objected to, but I couldn’t put my finger on it now that the dream has faded.
After she did all that stuff with my forehead and I saw her as Jesus Christ, I was a sense of peace pervaded me. I felt like I was absolved of sin, like everything wrong I’d ever done had an explanation and now that I was ready to look it in the eyes, I could pass through the pain it used to give me. I realized that I was wrong some of the time and I realized my past lovers were very wrong most of the time (not to heap the lion’s share of the blame on them unfairly, but I’d been torturing myself regarding them for over a decade now.)
I feel lighter today. I feel like I can take on the world. Or, hell, maybe take it over. But I can’t do it without my Pinky, I realized. I remember she said she’d be the Pinky part of Pinky & The Brain, asking bizarre questions at inappropriate times. She certainly does do that.
I wish I’d seen her again. I really, really do. Angel woman, can you hear me? I miss you. I love you. Come and get me when you’re ready. Whatever you did to me in that dream, you should bottle it and sell it. I’ll yell it from the mountain tops for you. I’ll tell everyone and their brother. I just need to know who you are.
Or maybe I just really want to know and you are simply an angel, carrying out God’s duties, with no mind of your own plight and peril.
I swear to you, I will give you that back rub you always ask for. I’ve never given one before, but I’ll do what I can. Anything. Anything at all for another slice of heaven. It was better than sex, I swear it.
I told my coworkers a little bit about it, but they don’t believe me at all. Maybe my words are coming out a garbled mess. Everyone should know that Jesus accepts the gay people, though. That’s my thought behind this… of course, they don’t understand I had something of a religious experience. They don’t believe in God at all, or so they say. I don’t think I ever met anyone who never believed in God somewhere in their timeline.
That reminds me of another weird thing Crystal told me in my dream. She told me she hoped she was Santa Claus in a former lifetime. His kindness and generosity was so legendary that it transcended time. We still talk about how that one soul took all his time to put smiles on the faces of children. He’s as well-known as Jesus Christ and we love him so much, we make up stories how he goes around the whole world in one single night to continue his tradition of giving all the boys and girls toys so that they can have a merry Christmas. It made me cry when she said that… something about it just hit me in the feelings.
Honestly… what if that was Jesus reborn? What if Kris Kringle (Santa Claus) was the rebirth of Christ? Moreover, what if she is Christ reborn, too? Is it possible Christ is reborn more than once? (Is everyone reborn more than once?)
Why did I dream of Jesus Christ kissing my forehead after putting a cross on it in blood? Why did it make me feel at peace? What did I do to deserve such a blessing? I’ve been so agitated for so long, I couldn’t even pinpoint where it began… but now? Now I feel like a teenager all over again. My pain is gone today. I don’t know how long that’ll last, but for a time, my feet have been bothering me in general. All day, though, it was like walking on air.
I want to thank her and I don’t know how. I want to pull her into my arms, gently dip her backwards, and kiss her all over, acting something like Pepe Le Pew or Gomez Addams. I have such an impetus to do this, I don’t even know how I’d say hello without trying to touch her… and then I have to remind myself… I DON’T KNOW HER!
It’s really starting to get to me, thinking I know this white-haired woman. Thinking she’s a sweetheart that simply has nothing to smile about. Thinking that I am getting to know her when, clearly, it’s just a dream. It’s really just a dream, isn’t it? I’m going insane; the lines between reality and dream are blurring on me. Nobody else I know is in any of these dreams. It’s just me and her. Except for the one about being gay with that strange man watching us hold hands and talk about my gay pursuits, her telling me she loved me but you have to let what you love go if it wants to go.
I don’t know what to think about all this. I feel like my words are tumbling out unchecked, that I’m coming unhinged. I hope I see her in my dreams tonight. I’m a little uncertain and absolutely scared that the Jesus thing means she goes away forever now. She completed her mission and now she has to go on to the next one who needs angelic love.
Except… I’m NOT gay!
I’m not even a little gay… I don’t even enjoy anal intercourse. I tried it one time and decided it was not for me. It’s not something I will ever want to do again. And, I certainly do not want anything in my own anus… and beyond that, she likes gentle words, so there’s no way I’d say I’d want to shove my “chicken” anywhere.
All I want to do is nuzzle her and hold her close to me for as long as possible. Kind of like the cuddling cat, rubbing its face against its owner’s hand as she purrs with obnoxious loudness. I undoubtedly want more, which she knows. I know she knows because she can read my mind in the dreams. She is gracious and waits for me to say what I want to, overlooking every time my brain goes to anything sexual in nature. I’m grateful for that, honestly.
She told me somewhere in this mess of everything that she was very flattered by my thoughts that were like that. And then she said the one thing I never expected… she wants to be in love before she has sex again. That it’s a long, hard road, too, but well worth the trouble. That she became a virgin again and she wasn’t going to waste it by doing the same thing she’d done time and again before. From what I’ve gathered, it happened five times.
Oh, man. I can’t believe I forgot… I asked her where she’d been all my life. She said she was a different person, whenever it was I was speaking of. That she’d changed over time and became the person she is today. I still wish I met her at least a decade ago and put a rock on that finger (and a wedding band on mine.) She’s precious and I bet she always has been.
I love her and I want to sing it from the mountain tops… and I don’t even know if her name is truly Crystal or not. I have never heard of a creature such as she existing, nor do I think I will ever hear of one again should I pass this opportunity up. (And yet… is she just a dream? Is she real?) I was convinced she was real before I slept again… now new questions rise and stir. How was I gay in the dream when I wanted so desperately to tell her how much I wanted nothing but her hand in marriage? Why did I sit there, holding her hand, telling her I don’t have a (gay) romantic interest yet? It’s so confusing… not to mention the raging hard on I woke up with after having this bizarre dream. Am I gay? I wouldn’t have ever thought so. I don’t think I am. The dream was very convincing, though. I guess maybe I was questioning myself? Or maybe it was a reflection of that idea she brought up, that I didn’t think I was worthy of the relationship I am flirting with when it comes to her?
I daydream of meeting her at the mall’s food court and then somehow we end up window shopping for a ring before we part for the evening. I am not going to press her for physical contact at all, either. I won’t be vying for a kiss or a hug or trying to get to any base. It all seems irrelevant now… it’s more about how we fit together emotionally and spiritually instead of bodily. She did say once I have a tab and she has a slot and they just go together; there’s no point in ruminating on it.
I’m trying to remember what else she’s told me. It all seems so important. Like every word has its place. I feel foolish forgetting half of them and making her sound like some cliche from an anime or something. All I know is I’m convinced I want her to be my bride, my wife, my future life. I sincerely hope she feels likewise, or I’m about to make a massive fool out of myself… especially if I see her in the mall food court. She convinced me to sit down, even if it was a few tables away, so that we could make eye contact from afar at first. I protested when she told me I could just sit at her table. It feels too brazen, no matter how I parse it.
Well, internet… here’s to hoping she’ll be there tomorrow. She warned me she sleeps all day, so I guess it’ll be later in the evening. I’ll have all day to stress out about it and try to talk myself out of it… but she had a really good point: if I show up at the mall and she’s not there, I don’t even have to be embarrassed about it. I won’t be sitting somewhere, nervous as hell, telling some waiter I’m waiting for someone else who never comes. I won’t be sitting in a coffee shop, nursing some brew and nibbling a sandwich, waiting for a girl who never shows up. And, worst comes to worst, I can just get crappy mall food court food, stuff my face, and go home. (Or, you know, just go home…)
But then the next question comes: how long do I wait for her if I don’t see her there? Do I wait at all? Do I wander the mall and look in the shops? Do I just sit in the food court and play with my phone, which would tell everyone — including her — that I’m busy. (Isn’t that like playing with yourself? she wonders.) Or will she be there, flocked by some fan club, making it difficult for me to butt in and steal the girl away? She told me that’s highly unlikely, but she also warned me there was a hot guy at the mall who thought she was pretty and he may well spot her. [What she didn’t tell him is that he works right across from the food court… but her hair is a completely different color now, so it seems unlikely he’d notice her at all, don’t you think?]
I don’t want to compete with some dude who works in the mall, that’s for sure. I don’t want to compete with anyone, actually… all throughout the gay man dream, I had a sense of competing and I hated it. It made me remember someone from the past who really hurt me, comparing me out loud to someone else again and again, until I finally told her to go fucking date that guy because he was obviously better than me. [She did, they broke up with a huge fight, too.]
I don’t think she was intending that sort of thing, she was just being open and honest… She indicated someone else was interested in her, but that’s not why she was giving the ring back to me. She was giving it back because… well, now I can’t remember why. Maybe that’s where the gay thing started up, after all. Sigh.
I don’t know why I waited until after work to write about the dream… I had a little time before hand to think about it and write down the most important parts, but no. Instead, I decided to go in a few minutes earlier than usual to collect myself and prepare for another long day of cleaning up behind other people. I don’t think I’m going to last much longer at that job if nothing changes, sadly… I was loving it… until someone came back and bumped my schedule, thanks to seniority of original hire date. I really kinda hate that guy right now. I loved it until my hours changed, though I guess my role changed, as well.
I wonder what she’s doing right now? Whatever it is, I wish I could watch her do it. Or snuggle up while she does it. I could really use a mountain of reassurance right now. Maybe a kiss… though thinking about that has me remembering when she was trying to tell me she’d never kissed a man with a real mustache before and it might give her sensory overload. She’s autistic, after all. I cried because I thought she was rejecting me; she’d said one of those cliche things that makes you think whatever comes next will be the end of your world with her… but she didn’t want me to think she was rejecting me if she had a problem with the “face fur.”
I know it’s a bridge we’ll cross when we get to it, but it’s interesting, the way she words things. She’s so non-linear that my brain just stops so I can listen, almost hanging on every word because I have no idea what comes next. Even after two months of dreaming of her, two months of exposure to that, I have no Earthly clue what comes next most of the time. That is, unless she’s reiterating something that was already said once before… except… she rarely does that.
God, will you just shut my brain up now so I can go to sleep and see her again?
Angel-Sansara 