If you totally missed it, you need to know I live with two elderly people who want to do nothing but watch Star Trek and, once in a while, Family Guy, sitting on their asses all day shoveling food into their mouths.
My mom reads books, too.
They keep buying food in bulk and bringing it home, binge-eating it, then repeating this. All while they get two senior boxes every month stuffed full of tons of food. Tons of terrible-for-you food with a “healthier” spin on it. (Salt-free nightshades and fat-free milk. Thanks, bro.)
So it’s me or the cans of crap. One of us has got to go.
I wish I could, honestly, but I’m too sick to hold down a job… though if God has anything to say about it, that’s not going to be the case much longer. (Thanks, God. I couldn’t have recovered so miraculously without you, bro.)
(What? We’re equals! He bro’d me once, it’s all fair.)
(Yes, I’m female… what of it?)
SO… my job is like… making things take up less space, ultimately. Which means preparing this craptastic shit and feeding it to them. I don’t really mind, but the fact that there’s not one name brand in sight speaks volumes. (Kraft don’t give a shit about seniors, that’s what it says. Nor Campbell’s. Nor Nestle. Nor General Mills. You get the idea.)
The fridge is full of crap I cannot eat (90%) and then there’s my itty bitty sliver of food stuffs (10%), which is partly why I shop every day. It’s a small fridge, the kind you get in a shitty one bedroom apartment, because my parents are “frugal” (read that as CHEAP) and old-fashioned to boot. Nothing wrong with that, really, other than I have no space in there. I did take over the crisper drawers, but that’s all I get, besides the slot for my carton of “milk.”
It’s so bad that I’m trying to figure out an alternative use for shitty jelly. I bought some, trying multiple brands (they have a jelly fixation and I thought I could find one for all of us) for health and taste, but whatever raspberry stuff I have right now is not cool. I have to rescue that one jar of space, you know, so maybe I can fit a little more food in there. (Who am I kidding?)
Anyway, what to do with jelly when you don’t want to make a sammich?
There, I looked. I don’t like any of them. I think I’ll just trash the jelly. It was really not that great. Some sort of raspberry thing that was never spot on for the raspberry flavor. I’m not even sure how more than half the jar got eaten, as I believe I abandoned it after first taste. (I guess my parents don’t have taste buds left.)
I’m getting tired of making dessert anyway, especially after my mom ate a whole pan of bread pudding in one day.
I said, “So you ate all the bread pudding?” She goes, “No I didn’t, there’s more right there!” I said, “No it isn’t, read what it says on the foil.”
“Oh. I ate all of it, then, yes.”
ARGH!
Why? Why eat all of a dessert in one day? Do you know how much sugar is in that shit? Milk? Wheat gluten? It wasn’t even for her… she tells me to make her what I eat and then she eats what I make The Old Man(TM).
On the other hand, I guess that meant it was good? I’m not really sure, she’s a binge carb eater to begin with. Four muffins? Enter the vortex! [Gone in a day!] Half a dozen donuts? VORTEX. A pie? VORTEX. Why do I bother? VORTEX!!!!!
Since you’re lazy like me but still care about your health, you should know this is the best jelly:
How do I keep up with everything if we have crap taking up space in the door? Sacred space that could house the chocolate syrup for the sugar fiends. It could maybe house the juice nobody drinks. And in just two and a half days, they’re bringing in two more boxes of crap.
Don’t believe me? It’s got dry milk in it. How can it be anything but crap?
I’m going to have to try the dry milk fudge to get rid of a bag. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I can just put it in the garbage as an experimental mistake and then I can try the next crappy recipe, trying to use this ultra crappy ingredient. Just… why? WHY? WHY DO WE DO IT?
The world isn’t ending. Is this news for people? You are part of a problem, too, might I add, since the world is NOT ending. THE PLASTIC ISLAND. It grows 3x the rate at which it gets cleaned up. You won’t be swimming with the fishes, you’ll be swimming with the plastics.
YOUR MILK. IT’S DRIED AND PUT IN AN UNRECYCLABLE BAG.
BEGONE, SATAN! I shall purge the Earth of your evil! She waves her hands mystically over the bag of dry milk, saying, “~Woo~” But nothing happened.
Or I’m just going to throw it in Wegmans‘ recycling bag area and see what happens. #AtLeastITry!
Milk. Tea. Water. All comes in plastic crap. Your beloved soda! Now brought to you in sheer poison that’s see-through because it’s more convenient that way. (You ever hear of a fucking glass? You can even put ICE in it.)
It’s time to go try making fudge, I guess. I have this impetus to try to rid us of as much food as possible, but I’m drowning, y’all. I’m drowning in a sea of substandard food. Why don’t we just euthanize the old people instead of feeding them all this crap? Do we really need to stay alive forever? Like, really? They cannot take care of themselves and I’m pretty sure they’ve watched all of Star Trek now… I mean, it’s okay, right???
Okay, so one fudge attempt later and a redo on the ‘custard,’ I have a veggie soup on that I’m hoping tastes delicious because let’s face it… healthy is fucking boring.
(Hot Chocolate) CUSTARD, TAKE 2
1/2 cup hot chocolate custard mix — 2 cups hot chocolate mix — 1 cup corn starch
2 sticks worth of I can’t believe it’s not butter
2 cups milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 eggs
If you want easy mode, beat your eggs and combine with the milk in a sauce pan (aka a POT) and warm on 3 or 4 (medium-low.) Stir with a whisk until well-incorporated (about 10 seconds.) Add the vanilla extract. Dump in the 1/2 cup of custard mix and stir until completely dissolved. Allow to continue heating until the goop is thick instead of runny. Store in the refrigerator and pat yourself on the back.
Dry Milk “Fudge”
1 box of 1% boxed milk (4 cups)
1 bag of dry milk (ewwww)
4 sticks of I can’t believe it’s not butter
3 cups sugar
1 cup hot chocolate mix
Heat box o’ milk up in a 6 quart+ sauce pot. Dump in the entire bag of dry milk and stir, stir, stir as it heats up on 3-4 (medium-low.) Once the dry milk is incorporated, stir in sugar and hot chocolate mix. Stir like you never stirred before or you’ll get burnt goop on the bottom. (Use a whisk, bro. It’s easy mode!)
Once everything is well combined and begins to thicken into a goop, put it in a container or bowl or something… probably more than one something, honestly, this is a lot of “fudge.” Put it in the freezer. Run for the hills and hide behind a rock… it might be a dud, but it might not be, too.
I know it’s dangerous to go alone. Here, take this:
Angel-Sansara 