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A Yearning

I don’t suppose you know what it’s like to feel someone else’s feelings?

I mean, literally. They take up space inside your body and you feel exactly like they feel. It’s not sympathy, it’s worse. It’s full on empath. It’s not even empathy… you are literally feeling exactly what they are feeling. The only blessing is that it’s muted, it’s soft.

However, if you spend your time around angry people, it’ll use up all your energy on anger instead of productivity.

I was always an empath but recently it’s gotten a bit more… intense.

The easiest and lowest intensity emotion is serenity. I used to shoot for happiness, but once I was nearly dead, I had to settle for serenity. The only other emotion I had was love. I even told the person I loved, since I’d held it in for a decade. Fat lot of good that did me! Here I am, flying solo. It’s a soloship, after all.

Now that I know I have people in my head bothering me, it’s become a “Who done it?” every moment of every day. Who said the nasty mocking thing? Oh, Pam. Who said the sorta-nice thing? Nick, pretending to be your friend… but later, you catch him fucking around with your head and emotions, telling you grey-eyed deli men don’t even exist. [Obviously false if you work in a deli and have grey eyes, amirite?]

I don’t prefer the spelling with an A, sorry, America. Grey just looks better to me and therefore I befriended it. Just because it’s not your friend doesn’t mean it’s wrong.


These evil bastards in my head like to pretend they’re on my side, then they just throw monkey wrenches for fun. “Let me feed you absolute CRAP and say it’s really just me loving you!” No, this is sabotage, you bastard, and you will pay an arm and a leg for it. I will make sure of it.

#Yes, I’m Crazy.

I just ate a happy little accident. I was trying to make pumpkin pancakes with an adaptation of a waffle & pancake mix but it was flopping, so I put the unused batter in the oven at 350F for 45 minutes in an oven-safe deep dish bowl thing. It came out like PIE, I TELL YOU! PIE!!!!!

You know all that bull shit you go through to make a crust and then your pie filling and then putting them all together in the oven to make that iconic dish? Fuck that shit. In Chez Lazy, I made a batch of gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free pancakes into something better than pumpkin pie.

First of all… have you ever tipped your pumpkin pie over and marred that beautiful presentation? No more, if you just make this ‘cake’ like thing instead. It had very nearly the same texture as the pie anyway, especially while it was hot. I topped mine with faux pancake syrup and a few spoon fulls of my home made trail mix. IT WAS DELICIOUS.

Alright, alright, Sansara… how do we make the fucking thing already?

Oh. I thought you didn’t give a shit about the food I eat, internet!


  • 1/3 can of organic Wegmans pumpkin puree (It’s just what I have, yo)
  • 2 cups of pancake mix… which is:
    —- 6 cups almond flour
    —- 1/2 cup cassava flour
    —- 3/4 cup monkfruit sweetener
  • 1 tbs vanilla (what’s a dessert without the vanilla? I’ll fight you to the death, it’s necessary! I’m screwed if the global trade goes to local only.)
  • 1 tsp pumpkin pie spice extract (it’s an experiment!)
  • 1.5 cups “milk” — I used Silk unsweetened soy milk because it’s the least heinous one in my dilapidated state

Mix it all together in an oven-safe bowl (fuck mixing bowls, lazy friends) and then put it in the pre-heated oven for the specified time. That’s 45 minutes, if you missed it. 350 F.

That’s it.

Add more pumpkin and/or spice extract for more pie flavor. I’m going to try double of both next “pie”!

Does it fit with lazy? I thought so. Now I know what I’m doing with the rest of my failed pancake mix: pumpkin pancake pie!

Oh wait, you might wanna know what’s in my trail mix, I suppose. FINE…

Crystol’s Trail Mix Take 1

  • cashews, raw
  • walnuts, raw
  • hazelnuts, raw
  • pecans, raw
  • dried apricots, diced into teeny tiny cubes
  • pepitas (aka hulled pumpkin seeds)

I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t fucking measure a thing. It’s YOUR trail mix now, bruh!

All I know is I used a whole package of pepitas and a whole package of dried apricots. They were both Wegmans brand. The rest? Came from Sam’s Club. Much cheaper to buy nuts and meats at Sam’s, even if you’re an Aldi shopper. And, bonus! The gas is on average 20 cents cheaper and if you have the Sam’s Club credit card and pay for your gas that way, you get 5% cash back, which you can apply to your meat and nuts. (Am I talking about food still?)

The hazelnuts, though. I can’t get those at Sam’s Club. So they came from Wegmans. I love hazelnuts. Love, love, love. They’re even sorta heart-shaped, which suits me to no end. You have no idea. LOVE!

The reason I used raw nuts is because God said so! Wait, no. They taste better and they’re softer/sorta chewier. The reason for the apricots is there was no sugar added… it’s a pain in the ass finding no sugar added dried fruit, I tell ya. And then the pepitas were my nod to “health trends.” And crunchy goodness, too. But in the angle of pumpkin pancake pie… It’s almost like eating the whole thing, which tickles my fancy somewhere. My Native American sliver of self that wants to use the whole thing as completely as possible.

(You did know that’s a Native thing, right? Let’s go a sliver of native together!)

Anyway, the faux syrup I have is from Wegmans, too, but I think I’m going to buy Sam’s Club sized Torani sugar-free vanilla syrup when I run out. But you know, in homage to this particular pie… maybe I should get the pumpkin pie spiced one? I might even tip that in my coffee once I figure out some sugar-free creamer.

Can you fucking believe there is no such thing as sugar-free, dairy-free coffee creamer? Quick, get me a loan so I can get this to market, STAT! I happen to know a sure fire way to make something creamier than what I originally bought at the store. (It’s called corn starch, you might’ve heard of this fucking magic before when it came to GRAVY!)

Shit. I let the cat out of the bag.



So anyway, when I go buy a brand new carton of Silk unsweetened soy milk tomorrow, I’m going to pour it into a big ol’ sauce pan (pot, if you’re not a native to the kitchen) and add vanilla extract and CORN STARCH. I’m gonna heat it until it bubbles while constantly whisking it, which is a pain in the goddamn ass lemme tell you, then let it cool down a little bit, then pour it in a fucking container, label and date it, throw it in the fridge, and hope to hell it lasts me more than two days because I plan on using half the carton for this cockamamie idea. #WeHateWASTE #WeLoveCreamer

Maybe a fabled wild grey eyed deli man will appear.

Probably not. Haven’t seen him in ages, honestly. The guy with the frosted tips made me wary today; I shan’t stray so close to the pizza area ever again. I swear.

Also… totally lost my thought for good, I think, in that deli. I’m going to keep hunting but I have zero hopes of retrieving it as of now. Whatever devilishly good idea for dinner I had that night has spirited itself away, I guess. (Did the deli man find it? Hmm. The plot thickens… or at least, my soy milk does.)


Let me tell you something lazy AF you might try just because you’re here and you like food and you’re lazy like me and you might not have a gluten/dairy problem:

  • a can of ready-to-bake biscuits
  • filling of some sort (cream cheese mixtures, pie filling, frozen fruit, fresh fruit, browned beef mix with some taco seasoning hint hint hint)
  • some powdered sugar mixed with water (or “milk” if you like) into a runny consistency { OR } Egg whites, whipped about with a little water by a fork

You take your biscuits, stretch them about, fill them with whatever, then close them like a hand pie… that’s what that shit is called, bro. Anyway, then you put them on a sheet and you brush them with an egg white if you’re going for savory instead of sweet and bake them. (Look up a frickin’ hand pie recipe to figure out what temp / how long already and get outta my hair, lazy man.)

If it’s sweet, you drizzle on the frosting after they cool down a bit. That is, if you don’t want it burnt AF and you’re actually gonna eat it.

Enjoy your lazy. It’s not doing you the favors you hope it is.

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