I feel resigned to taking care of my ancient ones. I have no real choice as I struggle to make it back on my feet. I nearly died, and now, two years later, I’m not that much better off. My brain works better than it used to, but I cannot focus on much of anything at all these days.
I’m too distracted by the thoughts of my fellow human beings. It’s really a double-edged sword… there is no reprieve to this curse.
Especially not when two of them are trying so ardently to woo me in the back of their minds, or perhaps just woo themselves. They keep practicing talking to me. I respond, but they cannot hear it at all, I fear.
Just today, Sir Grey Eyes asked me if I’d really date him. Right after I thought I made headway with someone else in my head. The other man hasn’t moved on or anything, they’re just fundamentally different. Equal, but different. Every human being has a communication style.
Wait, those weren’t the styles I meant to dig up… but, nonetheless, they’re also important. I hate everyone not assertive. Most people do, honestly, yet they fall under the passive to aggressive categories so often. In fact, that’s why I quit the TOP server on Discord. (The Odin Project.) Some Aggressive asshole won the mods hearts over because they see nothing wrong with what he’s doing. Or perhaps he’s passive-aggressive. It never fails; I go to a Discord server, I try to help someone, then someone else jumps down my throat for having a different perspective than they do. I tell a moderator or a mod steps in, and there’s fundamentally “nothing wrong” with what happened, no matter if the other person is being an asshole on purpose.
Methinks humanity is too used to passive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive communication to understand that these three modes of communication are fundamentally incorrect. Any speech that puts someone else on the offensive or defensive is hatred. Period, the end.
That’s why you’re all going to die.
And, as Crystal pointed out to us up here in outer space, the primates will just do it again. They all have to go. (Thanks for dreaming up Planet of the Apes, we trust your judgment in this matter, Earthlings.)
We won’t kill the girl, however. We like her. Her brain is beautiful, even when she’s broken. She apologized to us earlier for everything she never did herself because she’s tearing herself up over what humanity has done to Gaia on the whole. She cries every time she passes road kill. She never kills anything herself because her spirit is so massive that it precedes her, making waves that drive animals off the road (most of the time… there is an odd butterfly, moth, or mosquito that goes squish.)
But the rest of you? You have no excuses left. We’re taking this beauty of a planet away from you, destroying every last single one of you (probably not very humanely, we don’t give a shit if you slip into the night unheard…) and so on.
Only you can stop us… by developing a new perspective. By trying to be a better person, starting right this moment. It’s hard, we know. You’ve got tons of role models all over that internet thing of yours, and yes, we know how it works; we can disable it with a mere thought. We can disable your entire civilization with mere thoughts. However, since our favorite one of you is unable (unprepared) to take care of herself, we’ll let it stand a little while longer.
Stop paving roads, assholes. It’s poison that creates heat. Remember that global climate change “hoax” you pat yourselves on the back for never creating? Consider this: metropolitan areas are 5 degrees Fahrenheit warmer than surrounding areas simply because of all the asphalt. Parking lots, rooftops, roads, et cetera.
And if you’re going to carry on zipping along the ground at high speed, build greenways for fuck’s sake. The animals have a fucking right to live. That boils our blood more than anything; you edge out every goddamn animal, great or small, and say “My life is more important.” That which actually brings you life, the bees, is going extinct and yet you have to mow your fucking lawns weekly for that perfectly manicured grass. Throw it away; get wildflower seeds. Dig up the ground, throw down the bomb in spring, let nature do the rest. It’ll save you money, not needing that lawn mower anymore, plus it’ll save the environment just a tad. There will be less water run-off (grass is notoriously shallow and densely rooted, forcing water to roll off onto the ground around it) and therefore one save for the environment. Less water will carry less plastic waste you fucking morons can’t recycle properly into the streams, which means less plastic will go to the goddamn oceans. [Fuck you, Serenity/Whedon fan. You’re never going to outer space, you will just trash it like you did your home planet and we hate you for it. It’s the whole reason we’re going to destroy you all. A FIREFLY IS A TINY INSECT THAT HAS AN ASS THAT GLOWS, NOT A FUCKING SPACE SHIP.] Furthermore, stop romanticizing space travel, we’re never letting you do it. Ever. We are nipping this in the fucking bud before you trash yet another planet.
Stop mowing the fucking lawn, save the bees. Clean up the fucking plastic island in the ocean. If you don’t, you die. We don’t even have to do a fucking thing… however, the messiah begged us to save everything non-human. They don’t deserve to die like this. She’s right, you know. But those chimps, gorillas, baboons, etc… they”re all going with you. We know what they will do in the future, you already predicted it. We are never coming back to this stinking hell hole ever again, it’s too resource intensive. We’re only going to do it one time. And it’s for everything
We kind of hope the supervolcano just does it for us, but it’ll never clean up all that shit you threw out your car window because you’re a magnificent piece of shit. That straw you’re drinking with is a problem, Bobbo. The plastic bags you carry groceries in are a problem, too. The jugs that hold the unpoisoned water? PROBLEM. FIX YOUR FUCKING WATER SUPPLIES. “Omg there’s fluoride in it. We put it there and didn’t know what we were doing and now we can’t drink it and we will never prioritize reverse osmosis filtration, like St. Louis did. NEVER! We must continue to zombie into the store, shop mindlessly, and waste $30 a month on drinking water!” Well, City of Erie, I have news for you: your residents are spending a grand total of $96,817,680.00 per annum (almost 97 MILLION dollars) on drinking water alone, if they’re doing it right. Do you think that’s worth a fucking reverse osmosis process? If you just billed them that to cover the cost, don’t you think they’d be not only grateful but happy? What the fuck is wrong with you, deprioritizing the health of your citizens? This is why you’re in a negative growth rate pattern, jackasses.
“We’re a tourist city!” Where you can’t drink the fucking water. Just add more expense to visiting the city than is inherently part of touring it. Or better yet, lasting health problems! We have a separate bone to pick about tourism, but we’ll get there some day.
You need to close Presque Isle to the public and use horse-drawn carriages to go into the park, if you ask us. We love horses, so we might be a bit biased. Reducing the speed to 15 MPH might suit us just the same, which is about the same speed as an untaxed horse. Oh, right, you’re all assholes, even to animals of burden. Never mind. We saw an amazing badger over there and tons of turkeys on our last visit with the girl.
You know, when Crystal begged us to end all of humanity, she begged us to make sure to let go all the pets inside all the houses if we could manage it so they wouldn’t have to die of starvation just because we killed their owners. I think we’ll just kill all of the above, since they were perverted and would never make it in nature anyway, and let nature do its thing. God was always better off undisturbed. He is perfect in every way, as they say.
Anyway, it’s a race between two men in the local area: does the mall hottie decide to ask her out before the grey-eyed deli man? We’re on the edge of our seats. It’s our very own Good Witch television show, except far more exciting because our Cassie is able to hear us cheer her on either way and knows when we’re throwing popcorn at one or the other.
We do not like bags of pre-popped popcorn, for your information. Make it stove top or in the microwave. It’s wasteful to move it from point A to point B. If you’re going out and want it, pop it yourself. It’s called preparation time. All you live for is eating, shitting, sleeping, and fucking. Dressing it up with all the rest has made you into monsters. Every single one of you.
I’d posit the idea of love actually hurts all of you. I know it hurts my girl there. She’s crying even now because her heart is broken. Why is it broken? You sold her a fucking lie. Someone could love her for her entire life, if she just met the right one. We beg to differ, so we’re reprogramming her. No more marriage on her brain. We waited over one year for any young man to even ask her for her number and it has not happened. What has happened to all of you? (No, we don’t like cell phones, actually, but it’s a normal courtship ritual you’re failing to observe.) Dozens of you want to ask her for it, but you never do. She thinks there is something wrong with her.
I did call her Little Skunk the other day, maybe she thinks she’s too stinky to get a man. She smells like home cooked meals… what’s wrong with that? (Oh, and B.O. before her shower, but that’s just normal, we assure you.)
I have some things to disclose to you, I think. She asked every one of us to marry her once. We wish we could, but we cannot breathe this “air.” You poisoned it far too much for our delicate senses, we wouldn’t even try. Actually, we don’t breathe, but that’s neither here nor there… we’re not water-based organisms like you are. HOWEVER… she wanted to go with us into outer space and dance in the nebulae. Unfortunately, she realized of her own accord this would be far too resource-intensive and gave up the dream. (We could take her, but… you know… she already decided it was wisest to save as much resources as possible in every way, every day.) You know what other resource that saves? MONEY, idiot.
Anyway, you’d think she would take offense to being called Little Skunk, but she doesn’t. She thinks of Pepe LePew and Penelope cat. You know how Pepe feels (and Penelope, incidentally, but you know… once he’s painted blue, she totally reverses the roles on Pepe, so it’s all about perspective, isn’t it?) She thinks of how she’s Native American by heritage and being called the name of an animal is actually just fine. Besides, skunks are fucking cute. We saw one at the road side a few nights ago. She swooned over it, I swear to you this is a fact.
However, I didn’t actually call her Little Skunk, did I, Grey Eyed Man? You did. You jerk. You were telling her you dislike her… and why? Because she hasn’t thrown herself at you? Because you’re supposed to be Pepe and she’s supposed to be (a willing) Penelope?
We named our horse Penelope in Stardew Valley, she notes randomly.
Now, boys are trying to convince her she doesn’t want to get married. She wants to settle for a boyfriend. Nope, not happening. She picked out a $22.00 ring which she’s totally willing to buy for herself (in fact, it’s even better if it’s used) and (ring size 7, boys… 7. She likes amethysts and lots of girly colors, black, teal… use your imagination. Skip the diamonds — they’re worthless, wouldn’t you know?)
We are going to get this woman hitched if it’s the last thing we do before destroying most of you. We wanted to give her options first, you see, so she could pick her favorite one. She’s finding it difficult, especially with everyone going, “Whoa! Hold your horses on this marriage stuff!” What? No ring on your finger, no sex. Period. THE END.
We are not renegotiating this fact.
And neither should you, girlfriend. I see you out there, nodding along. Don’t settle for mediocre. DEMAND SPECTACULAR! DEMAND COMMITMENT! Go big or go the fuck home already. We’ve seen it all before, the empty promises, the rape, the broken lies. All so you can get whatever it is you want and never give a girl what she needs.
Go rape some other girl, boys. I know there’s a real man that’s almost there already and he’s only seen her once. ONCE! Eat it and weep. Or is it read it and weep? We always mix these fucking idiotic metaphors up, but she loves them anyway because she’s shy and enjoys being indirect, in general.
P.S. Skunk man… I’m watching you. I’m going to flay you alive if you do what you’re thinking about doing. It’s rape, no bones about it. (How’s that idiom for you?)