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Back In My Body


Playlist beginning with Back In My Body by Maggie Rogers on YouTube.

I finally feel like myself again. It’s really strange when I pick up a fly swatter and smack the plague of flies around my sink, talking to myself, and then suddenly laughter that does not originate within me is burbling out of my mouth.

How does one laugh without mirth?

Sometimes, God’s the one laughing. When he’s the one, he points my index finger up to the sky on one side or the other. (Or both, if it’s particularly hilarious, apparently.) However, the rest of the time, it’s just some asshole in my head, invading my privacy and making me feel crazy.

I probably am crazy, but I happen to know it cannot be schizophrenia. Schizophrenic voices never cease, no matter how much you reason with them or beg them to. So it’s not that. Roll again on the table of insanity and give me a new perspective, why don’t you?

At least somebody laughs at my actual jokes, not just everything I do. Thanks, God.

Being autistic, people often cannot delineate between my jokes and me being my genuine self. If the laughter is without violence or hatred, then that’s okay, but today someone laughed at me for missing flies with the fly swatter. That’s not okay, that’s stupid and arrogant. Asshole.

Come, let me smack you in the face with the fly swatter and see you laugh then.

This happens a lot. It used to make me upset. Not angry… I skip anger, it’s the gatekeeper to sadness. Sadness is the inability to accept life as it is and move on… so I try to skip it all and just accept it. It’s the most efficient way to operate and I am an efficiency nerd. Fantasy, illusion, lying, manipulation, and coercion are all inefficiencies.

For example, I could invest fifty hours into making a young person believe in the tooth fairy. Or, I can simply decide not to bother with the tooth fairy or explaining it one way or another and steal children’s teeth in exchange for dollar bills and allow others to tell the story. #Efficient.

I can spend two years coercing my girlfriend into a scenario for a threesome that benefits only myself, Ben says, and then fall flat on my face because my girlfriend left me because I tried to force her into non-monogamy and risky sexual behavior, which she totally warned me about, and now finally I understand now that I’m cursed with herpes. {And AIDS, but I don’t know that yet because it takes six months for AIDS to show up.} #Inefficient.

I can spend ten years fantasizing about The Woman of My Dreams(TM), Nick says, building her up to be a goddess that I can never measure myself against and then, when she proposes to me, get pissed off that she ignored all gender norms. #Inefficient.

I can move on with my life because he never replied to said proposal. #Efficient.

She peers into the audience. I see what you’re thinking. Consider it done, Sir Grey Eyed Deli Man. Yes, that. I know. It’s weird, right? Yeah, I agree, he says. But I’ll take it. Splendid, meet me halfway and ask me for my card. #Efficient.

I got distracted, sorry.

Uhh… right, so we can sit around, hung up over shit that’ll never happen, or we can accept reality as it is and say, “I don’t like X thing [about myself or this situation] so I will try something new and see what happens.” You’ve got to become a scientist in your own life and gather empirical evidence. If you continue to call your ex-boyfriend at 3 am on Saturday morning (Friday night), you are never going to move on (and he’ll never respond if he’s asleep, so why do you keep doing that?) So why not call him at 3 pm on Friday afternoon and see what happens instead? (Random example. I’m not calling any exes, they can die in a fire. I burned that bridge and I’m never building it again. #Efficient.)

The one time I tried to take back an ex, it was disastrous. It lasted 24 hours. Here’s what happened… We’d been in each other’s periphery online for like three years. I finally said to him something along the lines of, “Would you like to give it another shot?” except I wasn’t exactly in the right place to actually do so. Interestingly, he dropped all pretense and went back to acting the same exact way I’d left him ten years prior.

I ran away screaming. #Efficient.

Only you can know what’s right for you, but don’t get stuck in a never-ending loop. Someone told me once that one definition of insanity is to continue to repeat the same action in a situation and expect a new outcome. Does this sound like your current relationship? I’d get out. #Efficiency. Either that, or change how you behave and see how the other person responds. They won’t be able to stay in the rut if you exit it. #Efficiency, too.

Here’s what I do, and maybe you’d like to employ it, too.

  1. When someone does something that is wrong in my eyes in a situation, I take note of it. Maybe it was just a mistake, so I don’t mention it immediately, giving them the benefit of the doubt.
  2. If it happens a 2nd time, I’m on the lookout. This is the beginning of a pattern.
  3. Third time’s a charm: it’s a fucking pattern. I put up my dukes and have it out with them.
  4. I give them three more chances to improve. If they do, give them three more.
  5. If they respond well, we can continue being friends/lovers/whatever it was we were beforehand… if they don’t, I ghost them until I’m no longer pissed off.

That’s right. If I’ve ghosted you, I’d like to wring your neck. Here’s looking at you, LUCIEN. NICK. BEN. BROTHERS. EVERYONE. Except Julie.

Julie, I love you, but I can’t right now. I’m too crazy for you and all the problems you and the girls (or Pin and Josie) are going through. #ILoveYou

Another way to gather empirical evidence:

  1. Introduce a curious behavior. Maybe you meow back at the cat, maybe you hiss at someone making you upset, maybe you smack an idiot in the face with the trout of reason(TM).
  2. Note how the other person responds. Is it something you enjoyed? Repeat it. Is it something you didn’t enjoy? Hmm, might be time to rethink it.
  3. Do it 3-5 times (or more, if you like) and take notes.

A way to detect lying:

  1. Ask the same question innocently about 17 times at random intervals and random “moods.” Anyone with a conscience that is lying to you will break down and tell you the truth. A psychopath, on the other hand, will give you the exact same answer every time. HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU, BEN.

Now, I entrust you with these keys to The Universe(TM) and I tell you one last thing:

When I close my eyes, I can see the cheat codes of The Universe(TM).


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