Thank you, bearded fellow standing at the Meals 2Go line today around dinner time. You smiled just because you saw me, it seemed like, so I am grateful. Thank you. That is a taste of true love, right there.
That’s something I need in my life, I’ve decided. Forget all these serious-faced deli men who don’t know how to smile. I’m going to figure out this flirting thing and chase boys who smile. I will hope fervently they are men, but it is what it is, amirite?
No, wait. I know there are men out there who are capable of smiling at a pretty lady just because she exists. Yoo-hoo! Where are you? Why can’t I find you? Where does a single lady need to go to show off she’s available?!
I thought about going to The Zoo(TM). In fact, I will. I want to see the aminals. (Did you read that correctly? I wrote it correctly. It seems to drive Nicky nuts. I like driving Nicky nuts. Try saying it out loud with me: AM-I-NALS.)
Wait, who’s Nicky?! Ugh, do we have to talk about that narc? (Narc = narcissist.) If we must… the ultra short story is he’s a dude who thinks he can tell me what to do even though he doesn’t want to marry me. And he’s in my head, telepathically speaking, trying to make decisions on my behalf all day long. And I nicknamed him Nicky to piss him off. Quite frankly, he’s a terrible decision maker and seeks zero input from me before making decisions, thus they are never what is best for The Greater Good(TM).
Today’s topic of stupidity is all over the place, but it centers around the idea that I need to wear makeup to get a date. No, thank you. I refuse. I won’t dress like a slut and I won’t wear makeup either. Those things should be reserved for wowing my future husband, if you ask me. Not to show off to the entire world that I’m a slab of prime rib, just out of the oven.
I haven’t taken it out of the oven yet. The pork ribs Nicky tricked me into buying. “Oh, they’re on SALE!” Yeah, not happening again. I’m going to heal that bastard to the moon and beyond. I hope he never returns to this stratosphere, actually.
“How’s she gonna do that?” asks the skeptical voice in a nerdy tone.
“She gonna kick his ass with her reiki shaman magicK, obviously,” she replies snarkily. “In fact, I know exactly what I’m asking The Universe(TM) for! To allow for Nicky to let go of his anger issues. I’m gonna dig deep, deep, deep. I got my wet suit ready. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this.”
Crystal doesn’t exactly know what all this means to the poor boy on the other side of the healing. She can’t possibly know because she’s been incommunicado in the real world with him for over a year now. It doesn’t matter, though, because he actually did ruin her life. He made her give up the loveliest job she’d ever obtained, with a pension and everything, just because he was mad at her for being busy dying instead of flattering his ego and fluffing him up all of 2020.
Hindsight, you hear of it? It’s an application Lipper developed. We loved that role. It was our first one (a la Thomson Reuters.) Anyway, perhaps a future Crystal will rethink this decision, deciding it wasn’t for the greater good after all.
Nice try, Nicky. You know full well that I do everything for The Greatest Good(TM) so it’s baked into every single request I make of The Universe(TM). Therefore, this will only go through if it’s in the interest of The Universe. I am merely saying, “I found a target! Get your laser ready!” Wait, did I say laser? Hmm… where did that come from?
Did The Destroyers(TM) make it to Urth finally? (Can we upgrade to Gaia, please? It’s way more eloquent.)
They’re here, child. They have been ready to roll for about 23 hours now, metaphorically speaking. Nothing like a wheel is found on their space craft at all.
“But wait! Wouldn’t NASA or the government know all about The Destroyers(TM) surrounding Urth?!”
You’ve heard of Romulan cloaking technology, surely. So have we! And we made it a reality, to boot. The plethora of ideas that have come from this planet pleaseth us. However, we do not like the piss and vinegar inside your craniums, Earthlings. (Also, aren’t you a bit egotistical calling yourself Earthlings when you absolutely neglect to call the skunk hiding under your front porch an Earthling, too? P.S. We find the skunk cuter.)
Crystal pondered all of the information passing through her brain to her fingertips, deep in thought. “Does that mean I’m the one pointing the lasers? I don’t want to do that, I could make a mistake and then I’d never forgive myself. We’re talking life and death here and to take a life is murder and murder is wrong.”
“Never to fear, child of the stars. We have our orders from on high. We know exactly who to target and when to target them. We’ll be bored for a few weeks, then all Hell is going to break loose. You’ll see,” they reassured her.
“Okay. Am I on the list? I so do not want to live amongst these assholes anymore,” she asked of the kindly Destroyer team. Her head shook back and forth immediately, but gently. She was not on the list. This deflated her ever so slightly.
“Well, on the bright side, dating might be more straightforward once you purge humanity of the bullshit,” she said happily. That was just like the messiah, always looking for the silver lining. The Destroyer team and God nodded at her, smiling.
“Okay, well, that doesn’t achieve the goal I set today. Provided God’s willing, I want to purge the anger from Nicholas David Forsythe’s heart. Tonight. Please? Pretty please? He’s hurting me with it and he’s hurting my parents with it, too. He keeps threatening bodily harm on them for stupid things like being too sick to unload the dishwasher. That may be their fault and all, but it’s not my place to heap shame on them. I’m here, I can do the work. I’ll help them for as long as I’m able to. It’s my new job until they get better… and if they never get better, then it is still my job.”
Nick was none too happy with this. He hated her parents absolutely. They were good for nothing. They were inept and annoying and caused many more times the work she’d have to do if she were by herself.
“And they pay my bills,” Crystal piped up, smacking Nick in the nose with her sharpest elbow. “They keep me alive, I keep them alive. It’s called symbiosis, dickwad.”
Crystal settled into the prayer position and called forth The Universe’s healing power(TM).