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Joe’s Thoughts


“I wish there was a woman out there for me,” he thought to himself. He was feeling particularly defeated that day; he had hoped for the third shift in a row to see the beautiful, amazing woman he’d laid eyes on in the super market. She had eluded him. After three weeks of consistent eye contact, she was missing. Wherever could she be?

He wished he knew her name for the thirtieth time. Lately, she was just about all he had on his mind aside from his job. Every day without her seemed to stretch on for an eternity and the piece of his heart that was missing became more and more poignant.

He tried to imagine what she’d be like, considering he’d never spoken to her in his life. He regretted that… he’d had several chances just recently. Maybe that’s what made her fuck off, in the end. He surpassed her while walking to the break room, hoping to emphasize his massive rear end as he fetched his phone from his back pocket. His pathetic tiny phone that everyone seemed to make fun of because it wasn’t huge and optimal for watching YouTube in the wee hours of morning. At least, he thought that’s what they did with it, children that they were.

She had to know he was a big guy. It was impossible to keep his weight gain a secret. (And hard on his checkbook, buying more work clothes constantly.) It can’t be she shied away from that, can it? A minor physical thing like that should have pushed her away much earlier on. It didn’t take weeks of eye contact to ascertain that he was not a body builder, that was for sure. Maybe he should be a body builder, he thought suddenly. Then all the vain chicks could flock to him, just like they did to his coworker, Diego.

He was envious of that man. Diego was so poised and self-assured… he didn’t want for anything, it seemed… except the shopper that had been eyeing none other than bandanna man (himself) so consistently. The only reason he believed that she was the same woman that Diego pined for was due to the fact that both of them were convinced she was psychic. She showed up when you least expected it.

Hmm… nope. That didn’t work. His glance around the market was fruitless: no beautiful anime girl in sight. He wondered what color her hair would be the next time she showed up. He also wondered what color her eyes were… He could tell they were light from across the room, but he couldn’t decide if they were blue or grey. If they were grey, they were a darker sort of grey than his own eyes.

If there was any chance that she was reading his mind, then he hoped she knew this one thing: he loved her. He didn’t care about anything other than holding her hand and having a first date adventure for a whole new life alongside her. Now if only he could make her materialize in the store at some point so he could ask her out!

He had no idea what to say. It was against the store’s policy to fraternize with the customers and there was a chance he could screw it up and not only lose the girl but also his job. Maybe woman would be a better description. It was impossible to tell her age without asking, he’d decided after much consideration. She may very well be jail bait… that’s what he told Diego, anyway.

His coworker was not convinced that the woman could be just a girl. That, or he didn’t care about statutory rape. I guess I’d wager the latter, he thought to himself. The man just doesn’t give a shit about the consequences of his actions. He wondered if his coworker realized how badly he wanted said girl to materialize, because when he spoke about her, he seemed a little wistful. Like maybe she meant more than a mere conquest to him already.

However, it was also likely that dickhead was only going to realize that in a few years, not today or tomorrow. He hoped the girl… woman… had more sense than to date Diego the dickhead. Not that he thought he was, ultimately, a better choice… but at least he hoped for everlasting love. He felt naive, thinking about that hope. He was getting old and the older he got, the less he believed in the existence of true love.

In fact, he wasn’t even sure he knew how to define true love. It’s not like The Princess Bride explained it in words; it was all action and Fezzik magic. Still, there was an undeniable lesson in that film. A lesson on how love could transcend life itself. It was something of a Romeo and Juliet story in reverse, honestly, which is ultimately quite clever when you get right down to it.


It was now day 9 without the foxy lady and he was wasting away. How could just 9 days equate to such misery? She had been right there all along, coming by almost daily and now he hadn’t seen her in over a week. Was she alright? He hoped like hell she hadn’t gotten hurt. He’d never forgive himself for failing to take a chance to get her contact details.

Still, was he ready to put his job on the line for her? He thought so. He thought about kissing her all over her face and holding her in his arms and never letting her go. He thought about cuddles in the dark, keeping a super babe from being too cold. He thought about everything he could that was still G-Rated, doing his best to stay out of the gutter.

Oh, boy, did his brain want to go to the gutter. And roll around and around and around there, getting filthy as can be. Still, he hadn’t met her yet… What if she slapped him for asking her out? He hoped it wouldn’t be like that… he hoped at the worst, she would just stare at him like he grew a second head, then walk away as if nothing ever happened. That’d hurt him enough. He didn’t need a blow to his physical body to feel defeated in that situation.

Still, he kept having dreams about her. Dreams about soothing murmurs and hugs and kisses. This had never happened to him before, so he wasn’t sure why it was now. It started two days after he last saw her. But you know, more peculiar than even that — and occasionally feeling like he was being observed because he could hear words about him spoken like dictation in his head from time to time — was that almost every time he thought of her, a warmth spread through him.

An indescribable feeling that he’d tried to describe to his therapist now, but she was no real help. She had said maybe he was resolving some of his past emotional content and achieving inner peace, but this is not how he envisioned inner peace. And he certainly didn’t envision hearing his life being spoken about in the third person somewhat distantly within his head.

Was he still sane? He wasn’t sure. He thought he’d made headway with his therapist — hey, wait a minute. That’s doctor-patient confidentiality, you evil son of a monkey!

“Shhh…” she murmured at him. “You’re the hero of this story. I promise I won’t embarrass you.” He nodded slowly, tears in his eyes. Sanity definitely gone. CHECK.

His desire to kiss the woman was over the top. He couldn’t remember feeling quite this way before. Normally, he at least knew the woman’s name. He, in fact, didn’t even know why he pined for her at all. He just did. It was an enigma waiting to be solved… if he could just see her again.

Maybe he needed to get out more, be seen places. Maybe he could bump into her doing something benign, such as taking a stroll in the park or a walk around the local shopping complex or maybe even going to the water front.

He decided to start rehearsing what to say to such a beautiful woman. Everything he tried sounded awkward to him because all he wanted to do was blurt out, “Hi, my name is Joe. Will you marry me?”

If he knew what she would say to that, he might even give it a shot. Her reply would be, “Hi Joe, sure, but only if you work in a button factory.”

He smiled, hearing an echo of every word she typed. He wondered what God he could thank for creating this bizarre creature; she was like a My Little Pony crossed with a dragon with a touch of salt and vinegar. And maybe a heaping side of sarcasm.

Thanks for playing the label-the-angel game. You may not be completely accurate, but you can thank me! BRAHMA! The G-Man. Sweet dreams, Deli Man.


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