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An Apology

“I wish she’d come back,” he thought to himself… and then she was there, like nothing ever happened. He’d opened his mouth and inserted foot yet again. He should apologize, he thought, though he knew not how to do so.

“I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have tried to make you prove yourself. That was the stupidest thing I ever thought of. And I definitely should have never asked if I could have more than one lady, that’s rude,” he blurted out. She just stared at him expectantly.

He kept babbling on, but he knew in his heart that something happened to turn her away from him. She had blown up at him over that one stupid question: whether or not he could have more than one woman after the angel of love secured him as a lovable underdog and showcased him to the whole world, declaring all women everywhere would fall in love with him.

What the fuck was his problem? he wondered at himself yet again. It was so cold on this side of her shoulder. He might need a jacket if he stayed there for very long. She had moved along like it was no problem, skipping off to a rival grocery store and finding a potential partner in mere minutes. He’d been looking for years, but never mind that.

“I see you’re still feeling sorry for yourself over here, Joe,” she said to him. His shoulders slumped and the tension drained out of them. Her words had hit home and he was feeling disarmed… and slightly alarmed, as well.

“You’re not following beautiful woman protocol, Angel,” he replied to thin air, wondering if he was talking to another human being or a space entity or maybe just having a bout of wishful thinking.

“And you need a better dinner plan than bread and butter, Joe,” she replied. She wasn’t holding any punches, he thought. Fierce. Flawless. Just like an Ani DiFranco song. Suddenly, he felt as if a finger ran along his jawline, disturbing his beard and catching him by surprise.

“What are you doing, woman?” he cried, despairing. “What is your aim? Why are you playing with me?!”

“Not every man on planet Earth knows who Ani DiFranco is… she’s my hero,” the angel said with a hint of a smile in her tone. Right then, he thought about burying his face in her ample bosom and hiding there for eternity. Ani DiFranco was his hero, as well. She could read his mind, he knew it, but she waited for him to decide to share it before planting a kiss on his lips. Her nose wrinkled a little bit at the end and she declared, “Bristly.”

He stared at her in disbelief. Could it be this simple thing they had in common had smoothed over his momentary stupid? He thought about Napoleon just then. That’s exactly what he was doing, thinking of courting many ladies altogether at once. The angel, however, had cried so heartily and declared to God — or so she said, he had no proof of God existing — telling him she was ready to live life solo. It seemed that everything she did reminded her of how she was told she was not enough in the past, and this was absolutely in line with that: one of her previous lovers had declined her completely to pursue a polyamorous relationship model.

“No, you didn’t fix it,” she said, disabusing him of the notion that it was fine. He deflated again. How could he make it right? It was such a stupid thing to think about… it’s just every man’s stupid fantasy dream.

Her lips became a thin line as she waited for him to finish thinking it through. Suddenly, she flapped open her lavender wings and took to the skies, leaving him behind once more. Apparently, Joe was still having a pity party over his reality check: human beings were meant to be monogamous for more than a handful of reasons, which is why we all established the tradition of marriage to begin with, I’ll have you know.

The angel rejoined God in the cosmos, dancing with his thumb to the best of her ability. She cared little for the greed of men these days. Dating multiple women, indeed. Good luck with that, boys and girls. I hope you’ve heard of AIDS and herpes and understand those are forever problems. It only takes one woman to contract either or both, you know. Or man, if that’s your thing.

Of course, he blew it, getting all the ladies to fall for him. If that wasn’t obvious.

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