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You know, I keep telling myself that I’m autistic, I just don’t understand human flirting… but I really do understand it. It’s just that the rest of humanity sucks.

I just looked up an article all about eye contact (you can read it here, if you wish) and I’m quite disappointed. I think the cashier guy at Target has flirted with me more than either deli man that caught my interest. I guess I just need to burn the ships and move along.

I’m really okay with that, honestly… but here’s the kicker! Someone (not me) cries about it every time it comes up. I’m like 1% invested, personally, and they (the ones who keep writing about said men) are like in tears. In fact, one of them just asked me, “Why is it so difficult to get the girl?” He’s talking about some wench who wears frilly shit to Wegmans. Why’s he in my head if he wants someone not me?

I swear I’m cursed to be the angel of love, match make for The Universe(TM) until I’m blue in the face. Alright, kids, let me teach you about attraction:

  1. I wish this was Halo and I could shoot your dumb ass.
  2. You’re trying to will a specific person into your arms. The likelihood of that being the truth of all things(tm) is very low. Ask The Universe(TM) for love and keep your fucking eyes peeled already.
  3. Why don’t you just fucking say hello to your “target” instead of antagonizing someone psychic like myself with your shitty eye contact over and over again? That’s right, it’s a fucking target if you want a specific person. So go try it. I don’t give a shit if you can lose your job, either.
  4. Stop looking for reasons to pin some bravery to your fucking chest. Just do it. Say, “Hello. How are you?” and just leave it at that. It’s NOT harassment, I swear to you. Asking a person how they’re doing is FINE, it’s HUMAN.
  5. Don’t read into what they do or say. You’re being stupid, making up a fantasy world to slot yourself into.
  6. Repeat for all attractive people you see.


I’m evicting you, one way or another.

I don’t think you’re going to like it, either.

You’re going to have one mother!&*@#!ing headache for a month.

That’s what you get for deciding love comes in a specific package.

— God

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