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You’d Think I’d Learn My Lesson

And stop eating tomato. It really doesn’t feel that great on my intestines. If only marijuana was legal so I could smoke the pain away and keep killing myself one bite at a time.

Hey silver fox tattooed dragon man… please don’t hurt yourself. I love you, too. I love everybody, especially the people who didn’t do anything wrong. Please, please stay with us tonight. I’d marry you if it saved your life.

It wouldn’t even be out of pity. I kind of have the hots for you. I say kind of because I’m new to the perspective of being ‘normal.’ I’m autistic, but God cured my autism so I could write this really lengthy letter to all of humanity.

I’m still eating pizza… hold on, I’m not even halfway through and I’m really hungry. Puppy eyes here.

[You’re stupid, too. Don’t be mean just because I don’t give you exactly what you want when you want it. I’m giving you what you need when you need it, which is the best for a human anyway because otherwise we get greedy, selfish, and out of control mean.]

Where is this broad? I wanna beat her up!

Why don’t you tuck your insecurities away for ten minutes and wait for my story to unfold properly, jerk face.

I’m busy pretending I like some substandard facsimile of pizza.

No offense, Daiya, but if I knew this was going to be my last meal on Earth, I would have at least picked up a Little Caesar’s Deep Dish, extra crispy, extra pepperoni. Now that’s a fucking pizza. And I’d eat it all by myself, too. 😛

Well, not only am I poor, but my exceptional taste buds determined somewhere around 1995 that they taste nearly identical to Pizza Hurt.

I know it’s my last meal on Earth, but why sacrifice quality by spending more?

The pizza is my last meal because it’s going to kill me, bro. [Spoiler alert!]

Or maybe it’ll be Little Timmy calling the thought police. Where’s Lassie when I need her?

I eat slowly so I can thoroughly chew up the gluten-free pizza crust base and mix my amylase in properly so I can have a hope in hell of digesting this thing.

Okay, I’m done raping my body with food it cannot digest. On the subject of rape — yes, it’s a lengthy one to address, bear with me — if we were all telepaths, then you’d know that just thinking about a woman without her clothes on is rape. How many of you think about more than that? Too many, that’s the answer. Be good little boys and girls now and just stop. If you stop and show mercy to your fellow human being, you will be spared. If you do not stop, you will die.

That is God’s will.

Any questions?

He just told me that. I am his tool; I write what he wants me to say. He’s honestly the telepath, I’m not.

He gave me pizza as my last meal because it’s my favorite no-no meal and it’s a great example of rape. My intestines are now very angry at me for devouring my pizza (and yes, I ate all of it because I am a real sized girl, not a Barbie girl.) It is an example of me using my brain to rape myself. Therefore, I am now a rapist.

I’m allergic to dairy and when I eat gluten, I get brain fog.

Tomato sauce.

And a little bit of the seasoning that is in Italian seasoning… marjoram.

and paprika. (pepperoni)

Paprika and tomato are both nightshades. Hear of the plant family before? I have some growing outside mixed in with my blackberries. I left them there because they flower and the bees are endangered. Nightshades are destroying our intestines. Over and OUT!

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