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Dance With Me, Moose

Okay. I’m back, Bob.

God told me the next topic I should speak about is penis envy. I guess average is about 6″ or so and about 1.5″ in diameter. (Suck it, you metric-using assholes. Use Google to figure it out.) However, in pornography, we often see unusually long or wide (or both), I have noted. And the ladies seem to enjoy themselves immensely, making crazy wild animal sounds.

They are being raped, gentlemen. They don’t really understand it because they consented to it, but they are being over-stimulated in ways that should never happen. That is fornication because it’s an act for a camera; those people rarely, if ever, actually connect as lovers in love. (Kudos to the few who do and thank you for providing sane samples of love-making for those who are in yearning.)

Average might be too big for me. I’ve dated above average multiple times, as well, and it always hurt for a day or so afterward. In fact, every sex toy I could find last year was at least 8.5″ long and 1.5″ wide. This is too big, you assholes. Make them smaller and put handles on them that are easier to hold onto, for Christ’s sake. (Yup, we just did that and we’re not taking it back.)

If you are an average fellow, congrats! You’re less likely to accidentally rape your lovely lady. If you are above average… well, you better let your lady do the work so she is less likely to get hurt. (Sorry, pillow princesses.) And if you are below average, well… there are people out there that have uses for you anyway, I assure you. I can’t imagine it myself but God tells me it’s absolutely 100% true. I trust that guy, most of the time.

Oh, what did I make for dinner? A Daiya meatless meat lover’s pizza. I didn’t really think about how it’d have paprika in the faux pepperoni or be slathered in tomato sauce… but, then again, as last meals go, it doesn’t matter, does it? I made it as crispy as I could and used the broiler to make sure it is maximum delicious. I love crispy crust pizza.

I flat out love pizza, really. Can someone please mass market a pizza without tomato sauce, though? Just slather it with olive oil or avocado oil and add the Italian seasoning, por favor. Oh and of course faux cheese. And paprika-less pepperoni? Can we please? It sucks ass to have to make every meal from scratch if I want to feel good on the inside as well as the outside.

I would call it “pixxa” because pizza is defined by tomato sauce, oddly enough.

Please don’t do that… I might die. Thank you.

Forgive me if I’m slow… I’m chowing down on said pizza pie. I’m loving every morsel, too. It could be the very last thing I eat. It depends on you, dear reader. Are you going to be a psychopath or are you going to stop and listen for a while? There’s a blessing at the very end. God’s blessing to all the children of Earth. To all Gaians: WORLD PEACE.

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