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Shopping For A Husband

Accepting reality is where it’s at.

You know, I wake up sometimes and God says to me, “Look at that hair! It’s perfect! You don’t even have bed head!” And I say… nothing. Thanks for the compliment, bro. I needed it for a while… after my last run-in with a narcissistic bastard who made me feel like nothing special because it had to be all about him.

You ever date someone who doesn’t make any room for you to be, well, you? I’ll tell you right now that’s pure hatred. They don’t love you. You are just an extension of themselves, their view of self. You are a trophy to be seen, not heard. And it hurts you every moment you let them do it to you.

I love you for who you are. Not what you can do for me, to me, around me. Not because I want to show you off to the nosy ass neighbors or the nosier family of dysfunctional retards I am related to. I don’t love anyone for making me coffee in the morning (though it certainly butters me up if that’s what you want to accomplish) and I certainly don’t love anyone for kowtowing to me. I don’t need that, even if I am a goddess. (It sums up my positive qualities quite nicely in a single word… I can’t help it.)

I am a goddess looking for a god. Every person is capable of cultivating their higher self. Honing their sense of ethics, responsibility, and valor. Godhood is something you earn. You aren’t born that way. Nobody is perfect because that’s a myth… but you can be really damn good.

It’s like Ultima VII. You have your basic good guy traits to work on and when you achieve all eight of them, you unlock your full potential. In fact, I read up on the way Lord British (whatever his real name is) worked on isolating his virtues. Fascinating. (Wikipedia, bro.)

(You’re welcome.)

I have been doing my own research on virtues, but my list is far, far longer. I am working on an Udemy course that goes through them all as well as all the ‘sins’ one can fall victim to. Plus, you know, plenty of common words of wisdom such as taking the path less traveled, don’t cry over spilt milk, and, of course, treat others how you would have them treat you. (Golden rule FTW!)

There are so many nuggets of wisdom available to anyone willing to simply listen or pay attention. They’re embedded in stories — even action movies, honestly — everywhere. Every story has something you can learn from. I’ve watched over 1,000 movies, read more than 2,000 books and novellas, read about 100 poems, played at least 100 more video games… each and every experience has something to learn from. Even Columns.

Columns is pleasantly straight-forward. It teaches you geometrical spatial awareness, in short. (Tetris, too, for you Nintendo boys out there.) Ever play Geom Cube, though? That teaches it in 3D. I am stupid good at that game somehow… it never goes away, even though I don’t always play it when I have the opportunity. It comes up when fools think they can beat me at my own games, usually.

Same goes for Katamari. I’m somehow a natural at it… and that is unusual, I’m finding. I don’t play competitively, but I can beat any board within three tries. Two, usually, unless I’m not feeling well. One try at least 50% of the time. (Ugh, I’m being a braggart… hold on, I had a thread of plot somewhere in here…)

Oh yeah, but I suck at every platformer ever. I can kick ass in two video games… but you give me a 2D jumping game and I will be bashing something into my head before too long in frustration. I remember one time I was playing Maple Story — this was around 2006 or 2007 maybe — and I was trying to go through the really tall vertical forest jump quest. Did they call it the Sleeping Forest? I can’t remember… anyway, I kept fucking up maybe 1/3 the way up. I woke someone up at two in the morning, beating my keyboard against my desk. I was that frustrated… I’d fallen for the 50th time, it felt like. I wanted to do it. It wasn’t that tall. Surely, I could figure out the timing with enough failures.


Clairabelle. Yes, we had a debate about double stab, according to God.

I wouldn’t know. That guy annoyed me and I was already annoyed at all the 12 year olds running around talking trash and Chinese hackers trying to sell in-game currency and items and whatnot. I probably would have been less annoyed if the game hadn’t just gone to pot. Sorry that I was miffed at you.

(What is she talking about, the rest of them ask! Nothin’.)

I loved Maple Story for being so bright and colorful. Before all the six year olds started to play (did I demote them further? yes, yes I just did that, didn’t I…), I was happy there. It was the closest thing to playing a cell shaded anime style game that I could find and that’s exactly why I played it. I never cared for the chibi look, but I put up with it because it was easy to see everything on the screen. I have issues with computer generated shadows. Maybe everyone does, but I hates them, so I say FIE ON THEM. Gimme Borderlands 3 any day of the week. (Or 2, or original, or prequel, or…)

I played other anime-styled games after a while, like Ghost Story. Man did I like floor-sweeping. It looked like some sort of break dancing, which amused me to no end. We probably collided in that game, too, honestly. I have no idea if I used a name you’d remember. It was probably Crystak, if so. Exteel. That stupid game where you shoot things across a valley at each other. I forgot the name. Loong. And I kicked your ass at Halo one time…

Which time, you’re probably wondering. I’ll tell you because I always did the same exact thing every time I played Halo matchmaking… I would use the default gun and empty the full clip into my opponent while bobbing, weaving, and jumping toward them. This would strip their shield completely away by the time I got up to them and could stab them in the head with the knife. My goal? To dodge bullets. That’s it.

And then you probably met me again and again online in all sorts of games, like City of Heroes with my kitty girl Crystak. Generally, she was all grey, but I did have alternate costumes to honor my other two cats. The cat that died this past Monday was a grey tabby and the love of my life. (I ain’t afraid to admit it. He’s my BABY!) Anyway, God tells me you tried to finish my Freakshow mish and I threw you out the window, essentially. I portaled your dumb ass into the way out because you wouldn’t quit trying to take down the boss by yourself. (SHAME ON YOU! That was the best mish until Mission Architect ruined the game.)

Then you might kick yourself knowing that I play MUDs, too, but you might not. I administered at a MUD (yes, that one, shhh… I’m hiding from narcissistic assholes that own that game) and did a ton of work there. But did you know I was Syntara on CoffeeMUD, too? And how about… Realms of Discordia? Or maybe… Vision?

God says hi, bro. How’s it going? Losing your shit right now?

Well, when are you gonna get off your ass and meet her?

Oh, I see you are not yet fully moved. I’ll continue wooing her on her behalf.

Wait, what?


P.S. We’re not dating some other jerk. We fell off the face of that dating site right after you IM’d us because we can wait. However, if you go the wrong direction, we’ll just woo the Tattooed Dragon Man instead. The silver fox of foxiness that will treat my girl like the goddess we both know she is. Plus, then she can get that full on back tattoo she wants at a discount. We kind of like that angle. (And did we mention he’s equally as hot as you are? We know exactly where to find him on a Friday night, let me tell you. That’s right. DATE NIGHT. Spent with a tattooed God. The ball is in your court, isn’t it? What are the chances she leaves the tattoo parlor without his number? I’d say nil since he’s been daydreaming about her every time he creates a woman in ink. Oh? We should just go to him? Okay then. Tattooed Dragon Man, your turn.)

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