In order to bring my child back to life, I’m going to have to bend her backwards to my will for a bit. She says that sounds painful, but I’m flexible, sir. That’s how she is, you know: a challenge arises and now she’s ready to tackle it.
I will say this one time: use the following information carefully, Earthlings. You can (and will) kill yourselves with the information I’m going to give you today.
The link goes to an MP3 called SHIVA. You will either live or die after hearing it, especially if you put it on repeat. Let’s call it a parting gift. It killed her cat, Bill. He didn’t want to go, but his subluxated vertebrae finally caused a partial paralysis and he had to be put down on Monday. It’s not so bad; he actually bit her spirit and wrestled with her a while for not doing it sooner, since the earthly pain dissipated as he exited his earthly body. Now he frolics with wild abandon, chasing spirit birds for fun, coming back to rest at her side once his fancies are fulfilled.
He had to go without a single dignity, sadly. We would have liked it best if he could have laid on the grass outside, taking in sweet scents of nature as he passed away. No. You assholes make them go into rooms where they hear dogs losing their shit perpetually because of neglect. You bleeding heart veterinarians disgust me; you are not doing the best for each animal. You’re doing the best for yourselves to make a buck off modern medicine, giving them shots they don’t even need, especially if they’re indoor animals. “Oh, the rabies vaccine!” How many people die of rabies every year? According to the CDC: Each year, rabies causes approximately 59,000 deaths worldwide.
Wow. That’s it? I wish I could take a billion of you via rabies right now. Just like that. *snaps her fingers.* [Say what? HER?]
Get over it already. God is a girl. You saw it in Dogma! (Thanks, Alanis. You were beautiful and wonderful and terrible all at once. Great portrayal.)
Do you really think that I didn’t sprinkle in the grain of truth in all your stupid bullshit entertainment? Did you think that salvation wasn’t going to be in the media you consume for the rebirth of my most favorite soul to consume easily and readily? It’s not in one single book. She never even read it until after I scolded her for invalidating me for eons.
Do you know what she said to me? You’re going to love this. This is her interpretation of The Holy Bible.
It sounds like a contract between us and a Judge.
That was her very first remark. It sounds like a lawyer’s rendition of a promise between two parties. I think you broke your side of the promise, children of Earth.
Her second remark was, “This has to be about aliens. How do these people in ancient Earth times ‘go up into the heavens’ otherwise?” She’s arrived at another conclusion as of lately, but think about that for a minute. How is it that these people who definitely are earthbound talk about going up into the heavens?
That’s just two of her thoughts. I think we’ll rewrite the whole book based on our re-interpretation of it to sell as entertainment. Then you might learn my actual message to you twats. A message that is much older than a mere two thousand years:
Treat others how you yourself wish to be treated.
Groan! THE GOLDEN RULE?! How COULD YOU!
Get off it already. You know in your heart of hearts this resonates as The Truth(TM).