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In Between Girlfriends

“Won’t you ever forgive me?” he asked me.

I stared at him in disbelief. Before I knew it, my upper lip curled in disgust. I couldn’t help myself… the man left me for dead. He abandoned me in my hour of need. “No!” I said resolutely.

His face fell, his countenance expressing his dismay and hurt. “Why not?” he asked me.

“Nope, I am not having this conversation with you again. Get away from me! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” I demanded, petulant as can be. “I do not want you here; I’ve told you a million times already. You already know all my reasons for despising your existence. Fuck off and die already.”

He frowned at me, looking massively troubled. “But I love you!” he exclaimed vehemently.

“No, you don’t. If you loved me, you would have answered my marriage proposal video with a yes or no answer instead of leaving me hanging while I was dying. You’re an asshole that doesn’t know how to love anymore. I think you did once, but now… now, I am sure you are just as bad as the guy who led me to death’s door,” I replied, glaring at his essence as he floated next to me.

God raised my pointer finger to show me exactly where his soul was hovering. I sneered and put him down like the dog he is, lowering my index finger until it pointed to the ground. This was not uncommon; this man had been plaguing me whilst awake and dreaming for fifteen months now, pretending he was everything but himself, putting me through hell over and again. For what? To prove I cannot be true?

This is so contrite. I have never cheated on a man in my life, imagined or real. I may have had one or two dreams in my lifetime about it, but we all dream about scenarios that are outside of our very nature. Every time I have a dream like that, I wake up with a knot in my stomach and feel ill. I am monogamous, whether you like it or not.

Yeah, I know that now… but I didn’t when you first proposed to me. I did it all wrong, he pleaded with me quietly in the back of my mind.

I really don’t give a shit, Nick. You burned the fucking bridge, now live with it.

But I don’t want to live with it… I want to live with you!

That’s nice. You’re allergic to nuts and that’s about half of what I eat. Gonna get over that, too?

You know I can’t… but I can bring you here to the U.K. and we can try to figure out what’s wrong with you.

I know what’s wrong with me. I’ll give you one hint… no, wait, I’ll just spit it out: YOU.

What do you mean, I’m what’s wrong with you?

I mean this, Nicholas: I am doing great now that I’m not begging you to come feed me one meal a day so I can keep the job I had to throw away to tuck my tail between my legs and flee home to live with two pedophiles who want me to wipe their asses every single fucking day. Now, I spend all day every day figuring out what I can eat, except when you come around and pretend you’re me in my head and start reaching for food that I cannot eat. YOU ARE MY PROBLEM. Leave, or I will destroy you. God would like nothing more than to just take your soul and eat it, and I might just let him this time.

What do you mean, God wants to eat my soul?

She went quiet on him just then. Her mind became a perfect void of nothingness outside of the music floating through the air. He snarled silently, unwilling to interrupt one of the best musical pieces he’d ever heard… all because she shared it with him ages ago. Was it a decade ago now? Longer?

I’m an idiot, he thought to himself, knowing she could hear him nonetheless. How do I apologize for what I’ve done in a way that is meaningful? I’m sorry just isn’t enough, is it? I just tried that… Shit.

He shut up and resumed listening to the song with her, trying to still his mind like she had mastered long ago. He really didn’t know how she did it. She was a void and he was… well… the opposite, it seemed. He was full of a torrent of idea. What could he do? He’d been practicing meditation and martial arts for decades and now it seemed that this woman who portrayed herself as a simpleton most of the time (but was really a genius in disguise, I assure you) had beaten him to something he ought to have learned by now.

Crystal? Are you there?

What do you want.

Well, aren’t you a ray of sunshine! Um… I thought you left me somehow. Again.

You do realize God is the reason we speak to each other mind-to-mind, right? You’re here until I deal with you. You’re here to break me of my pacifism. I’m not even sure anymore if it’s just a test of tolerance, patience, and love, or if I’m meant to kick your ass in ethereal. Let me tell you something, though, I’m getting much closer to kicking your ass.

Nick sighed. There was no reasoning with this warrior goddess of a woman. She made up her mind, clearly, though he wished it was to the opposite decision than the one he was hearing. He didn’t want to leave her… not now that he was sure she was celibate by choice and waiting for her future husband. He’d pretended to be dozens of suitors at this point, trying at least one thousand tactics to pry her away from her vow of celibacy. And now? Now he was ready to end the charade.

Unfortunately for him, somewhere along the way of his “prove your fealty” shtick, he burned the bridge that existed between the two parties. It was, in fact, her own bridge, for he never built a bridge in his life. She had summarily napalmed the fuck out of it. When that didn’t work, she blew the damn thing up. But still, he reappeared, as if she could have a tender spot for him inside her somewhere after she tried to commit suicide repeatedly. Not on God’s watch, I tell you.

I’m not going to let my baby go that way. Fuck you human beings. ALL OF YOU. This woman is my precious. (Yes, I’m channeling Gollum there.) She’s my one ring to rule them all, dammit. You can’t have her.

Unless you’re Sir Deli Man. He probably has no clue who he is to her since they don’t even know each others’ names. Yet. I’ll fix that some day. But not until we get rid of the jerk with the gun. The one who would have her put a handgun in her mouth and pull the trigger. This asshole put that in her head after she threw her job away and moved back in with two pedophile bastards. Unfortunately for him, he has no kenning of psychology, and it ended up being reverse psychology for my borderline daughter.

I’m grateful, really, because up until that point, I had to talk her out of it every single time. I’m ungrateful because it led to her self-harming to wrest control of her life away from that dick munch. Not to mention gut-wrenching crying. She only did that for about six months, on and off, off and on. She would hit herself in the head as hard as she could until he quit lying to her. In fact, she hit her head against the frame of a door so hard it partially undid some of her spinal issues. We were both surprised, though I must say it was more pleasant for me than I.

I’m sorry, God… do we have to tell everyone all about my struggles? It sounds like whining, sir. You know whining is a negative vibration and I’m here to spread the light of divine love, which is definitely the opposite of the negative vibration you are dwelling in right now, sir.

Yes, of course, Crystal. I’m sorry. Uh… well, I’ll just tell you what I was thinking: if I reminded you how shitty Nick’s been to you since March 2021, then maybe you’d get so mad you’d end him this time. I must say, it really feels like it might be wishful thinking right now… but are you really going to let him masturbating to the idea of you without your consent slide?

Now that you mention it… No.

She held her hand up in the air, staring at her palm, almost as if she expected to see a fireball grow out of nothingness right there. “Nicholas,” she said aloud. “Get over here!” Nick couldn’t help but laugh, knowing she was referencing Mortal Kombat again. She had also envisioned Scorpion harpooning him and pulling him over to her, so that didn’t help keep the tone serious… but serious it should have been.

Suddenly, Nicholas felt hotter. Less comfortable. He started to sweat in earnest. Before this, he had been sheening in sweat, but now? Now it was coming in rivulets. “What are you doing to me?” he said out loud through her.

“Oh, you know. Fixing a problem I have,” she replied enigmatically. “You happen to know exactly what I’m doing, but you still haven’t figured out how it’s really done, have you, boy?”

She found her head shaking from side to side. Negatory. He hadn’t figured it out yet.

“I’d really rather keep it that way. But I’ll tell you what I’m doing explicitly just so you can pretend to feel better about it. I’m draining your life energy from your soul. You have taken so much of mine in the past and I need it back in order to revive myself completely now, so I’m just taking back what’s mine, really. Not to mention you steal bits and pieces of it every time you daydream about raping me with your micro-peen.”

He sighed. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that I don’t have one of those.”

“Pics or it’s a lie!” she declared cheerfully. She did not cease in her effort to return her spirit back to herself. She could feel it humming along her hands, actually, and climbing up her forearms. She was smiling for once. It was a rare thing since her near death experience in August of 2020. That experience robbed her of much of her vitality, sadly, and left her allergic to all but about three dozen foods, most of which were vegetables and fruit.

“I wish you could live with what I’ve been suffering through, Nick. I wish you could live with potato being your nemesis, with tomato and citrus being torture to eat, with chocolate making your insides feel like there’s sandpaper in them, with dairy tearing everything up and causing incredible constipation or diarrhea, depending on what kind of dairy it is. I wish you could know what it’s like to live completely gluten-free in addition to that… no more donuts or sneaking a baked pie here or there. I wish you could know what it’s like to swell up 2-3 inches every time you made a mistake eating food, making nothing fitted continue to fit. In fact, I’m so uncomfortable right now, thanks to you feeding me fucking cottage cheese and an avocado, you twat!” She glowered as she focused on taking back what was rightfully hers from the monster who dared to whine at her for not wishing to marry him.

It was August of 2022. Two years after she realized she was going to expire. A year and a half from her marriage proposal to this lazy slob. She had no idea just how lazy he was, so she felt like she dodged a bullet at this point. His mommy still did his laundry, after all. If she’d known that up front, she would have forced her love for him to dissipate like a storm on the wind much, much sooner.

But she didn’t, so God had to help her snap out of it, wouldn’t you know? God. If it weren’t for that guy, she’d be dead. I mean, when he got there, it was terrible indeed. She was barely able to eat anything other than perfectly ripe apples and pears. If it was too ripe, it hurt her intestines. If it was too unripe, it hurt her intestines. That lasted for six weeks. Thank goodness she was taking all kinds of supplements, too, because she could only fit four fruit into her at once. The pain was excruciating.

You might ask me why she didn’t go to a doctor. She did, actually. The doctor did this to her. The doctor prescribed her something she was allergic to. Then, when she asked for an allergy test, the doctor refused to refer her for one so that her insurance would pay for it. Stubborn as a mule, she decided not to afford it until her doctor referred her… well, that didn’t end so well, did it?

I can’t wait to see the good doctor in Hell, might I add. Forget that idea of Lucifer ruling Hell, kiddies. I rule all of the known and unknown. I am The Universe(TM).

At any rate, Dr. Death is a douche bag who deserves everything coming at her and then some.

So where was I? Oh. Yes. She could barely eat. We discovered together that meat (on the bone) was all that helped her get better. Then we started taking supplements to that same end, which helped her get much, much better… but then I realized one of her prescribed supplements was causing the damage. That’s right, Dr. Death’s prescription was murdering my precious!

I threw them all away. And then Nick arrived, right after we discovered and mastered Kundalini reiki levels 1-9, retrieving the ki balls her sensei created to increase her channel, to increase her capacity for holding Source. I led her to do that so I could increase her vitality but it came with one very unintended consequence: she could hear Nick in her head. She emailed her sensei a few days ago to ask for healing, actually. I’m ready for her to dust this Nick fellow; he’s already done all the damage he could and then some and he still doesn’t know how to quit.

Nick is being quiet as we force him to listen to another tune he fell in love with thanks to her. It’s ironic, honestly, because this band is from his country. She begged him for help because he’d have one hell of a plane ride to get over to her, of course… and then she knew she was in love with him, and putting her back together was husband work, so she just pulled out all the stops and drew him a fucking video. She put her favorite song by his favorite artist on the video and threw it at him on February 14, 2021.

He ghosted her.

I wish that proposal was for moi, but alas, I don’t have a body. What kind of world is this? What kind of world is it where a woman can propose to a man (who is in love with her, to boot) and it results in zero response? I taught you shit stains better than that. I taught you fucking idiots to talk to each other about matters of the heart. And now? Now my fucking bees are DYING because of you arseholes.

Hi, Nick. Go back to sleep, daddy is talking to the world. I assure you that my words are important and you’ve exhausted your supply of credibility with your constant lies.

Long story short: Save my goddamn bees. THEY ARE MY FAVORITE. If you murder all the bees, I’m resetting the Universe and none of you will ever exist again. Except Crystal. I’m partial to her. You could call her my favorite. Her soul is billions of years old. She has seen entire civilizations come into existence, build up, and collapse after their technological era left them in this same exact predicament. Can we stop with the restart button already and try to get it right this time?

If you don’t, I’m eradicating your immortal soul. I’m starting over. I’ll let Crystal create a new Eden and I’ll imagine something better than human beings. In fact, I’ve already got great ideas. Ideas that start with BEES.

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