It seems when I fell ill, I created a bit of a mess. I didn’t mean to, you see. I wasn’t even meant to. It was not foreordained a’tall. No, I was supposed to strike it out alone and determine whether or not the gods must return. Well, it’s been determined, children of Earth. We’re on our way.
I despise this planet and everything on it, now that you’ve ruined it completely. You’ve killed over 85% of the rest of the life on planet Gaia. Why? So you can keep people alive and miserable between the ages of 50 and 100. “They deserve to live!” So, too, do the ants, the flies, the spiders, the foxes, the wolves, the deer, the anteaters, the opossums, the possums, the wallabies, the elephants, the whales, and everything I didn’t name. So, too, do the mushrooms, the mold spores, the cacti, the hemp, the blue corn, the chestnut, the lily, the palms, the succulents, the bougainvillea, the dandelions, the other wildflowers, and basically everything that you can’t eat or make into a pretty decoration.
It all deserves to live, children. You earthlings are despicable. “I only want what’s pretty! I only want what’s functional (for me)!” Those plants and animals deserve their own space, you jackasses. I’m sick of you all picking and choosing what to slaughter to extinction. Now, it’s my favorite animal of all: the bees. Do you understand your world collapses and goes through another ice age if you destroy the bees?
Obviously, you do not. You do not understand that there are multiple lifetimes. My lovely wife returns to life approximately every 1,000 years. And every time she does, she gets fed up with you fornicating bullshit bastards that call yourselves men as she tries to find a man to marry and settle down with. It’s so bad, she doesn’t even want children this time. She is convinced there is no good left in this world.
I would agree with her, if it was true. It’s not exactly true, but I’ll tell you now… more than half of you deserve to be dead as of this exact moment. 4:02 PM EST, 7/25/2022. I will enjoy killing you when I arrive. That’s billions of human beings. Billions. There are 9 billion human beans on planet Urth and now I plan to reduce you to 2.2 billion. I told you… it was more than half. Technically, it’s 2/9ths. Thanks, babe. Freyja. She’s the brains behind this operation, after all.
I will not torture you, even though you deserve it. The afterlife will, however. You have failed to understand the bigger picture due to religious bullshit that has permeated your society at large and on the whole. (Hindus, we love you, no worries there. You will live. ALL OF YOU. This is how your religion is the oldest religion on earth. It’s the right one.)
There are other considerations we have, but we won’t be sharing them. Good luck converting to Hinduism, folks, for I happen to know it’s going to happen en masse once the slaughter begins. It won’t help you unless you embrace it without a single reservation. Like I said… good luck. Ganesh himself will eat your fucking souls for your hypocrisy and your lies. I will chuckle as that happens, of course, because this happens every time and I’m jaded.
We come and tell you what is real about The Universe(TM) and you just ignore it after a certain amount of time, forgetting the “gods” that came to Urth to tell you the short and skinny of it.
So I will tell you one more time, now. This is the last time I will tell you, thanks to modern technological advancements.
Your soul is immortal. It does not die when your body dies. It goes to “Source” or “Heaven” or whatever you wish to call a place that is just pure light energy. It is the heart of the universe, and you return to it after you die. Period. The End. This is not a philosophical debate, this is not a religious rite, it is the nature of all things. It is The Truth(TM).
If you don’t believe us, then seek a hypnotherapist. (Crystal will do it for free, yo.) They’ll take you back into your past lives. You might not believe it for ages, but eventually you will give up what you erroneously believe and you will live one of your past lives over again. You will know who you were. You will know what you did. And I’m about to hold you all accountable for your crimes of the past. Especially that pesky Judas. He never learns his lesson, I swear.
He is the reason you are all miserable. He is gay and doesn’t like it, but he hates how women are treated by men, so he continues to incarnate as a man, continuing to treat women the way he hates. He’s such a fucking hypocrite, I think this time I will snuff out his soul for good. In fact, I know we will.
We are on our way, children of Urth. We will hold you all accountable for your past deeds. If you are a shit stain (many of you are), you will never be allowed to be a human being again. You will instead fulfill the universe’s grand design as something else. Perhaps a fly, so Freyja can cry out, “I got another one! OH YEAH!” and do the Kool-Aid Man’s dance. Over and over and over again.
I really can’t say what Brahma shall do with you, for I am not Brahma. You call me Odin, but I have thousands of names. You seem to really dig the Norse pantheon these days, so I’ll just use it for the notoriety. I SHALL INTRODUCE YOU ALL TO MY FUCKING SPEAR. Gungnir has not seen action in such a long, long time. She shall be pleased, I tell you.
And for those of you wondering, yes, Cthulhu is my pal. He just ate a Kramer last night. He says her soul was delightfully delicious. “Please, sir, can I have some more?” Why, yes, young Cthulhu, we will feed you chakras like kitty kibble. “Here, kitty, kitty. Who’s a good kitty?!” Crystal imagined that for us this morning, we are pleased to report. It’s a sign of life. We thought we lost her for good this time.
We are all wanting a piece of the psychopath who murdered her, but wouldn’t you know? The head cheese wants to deal with her himself. “She’s mine!” rang out in all of our minds. You see, we’re telepathic. We know what misdeeds you have done. We know who you are when we see you because you have a bio-electric signature that no one else will ever have.
(Judas, here’s looking at you, kid. You’re mine! “Get over here!”)
[We both love Scorpion. Mortal Kombat is a great game, thanks for playing!]
Lord British: YOU LIVE. Thanks for influencing my lovely girl out of the gate with the Ultima series. We love you, even though we don’t think you deserve to go to space yet, Mr. Astronaut. You already did, we can’t really hold it against you, especially since it was an almost religious experience for you, wasn’t it? We love you, bro.
If ever there was another person who studied the virtues and vices as closely as Lord British. (Forgive us for not wanting to use your given name, we think your chosen one is way better.) He even programmed a way for Lord British to be killed into every single Ultima, wouldn’t you know? I call that humility at its best. ❤
I’m so proud of you, man. I do not use the word man lightly here, either. There are very few men on the planet. Males who grow wiser, examining themselves and the ideas of virtues and vices. (Hindus do, that’s why we like you. :))
By the by… here’s something to entertain you all, to show you our humor: