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What do you want to be when you grow up?


While most people would daydream about being an astronaut, an author, a fire fighter, a policeman, a politician, going into the armed forces, or anything normal… I was way off the beaten path.

I almost don’t want to say it, though. I expect criticism. Skepticism. “Nuh uh! No way! There’s no way you wanted to be that.” Just like when I decided to quit vitamins way back in the day… all because I didn’t like the way they made me smell. It’s just not intuitive or anything like another being, sadly.

Except it’s not so off the beaten path it’s inconceivable completely, either. There are people who wanted to do a parallel job, something comparable and far more popular. Something a modern person would understand far more than what I will divulge shortly.

I want to tell you why I didn’t pursue it first, though. I want you to understand why it took me decades to come to my senses and redirect my life to an appropriate outlet that would fulfill my spiritual self. A way to be my authentic self. I wasn’t really afraid of pursuing it, I’ll tell you that — because I did pursue it. In private. I learned most of the skills required and applied them everywhere I went all around me as they were relevant.

And maybe that’s my magic. I have a hidden class, so to speak. (If life is like an MMO, then, you know, our professions are our class.) Maybe it’s more of a subclass, since I’m skilling it up nowadays? This is unclear to me.

I didn’t pursue it because it doesn’t seem to have a place in modern society. I’ve long since changed my mind, though.

[Out with it already, woman! You’re killing me!]

Shaman. Soothsayer. Tribal medicine woman. A cunning folk. A healer. A wise woman. But not a doctor, no. Not even a therapist, no. I want to do the whole package kind of healing we’re missing out on today. Today, we isolate a piece of the problem and declare, “This is our problem!” It’s never just one thing. We have to look at the systemic overview, the bigger picture. And to do that, we’d need at least a dozen different doctors for each medical case. Kind of like House, except for people who don’t end up in urgent care. We need to prevent them from getting there, if you ask me.

In order to achieve this goal, I’ve been studying by myself for a very long time. I’ve read at least 100 psychology texts of various lightness and depths, from a variety of subjects to singular targeted subjects. I’ve introspected, rooting out all the things I disdained in others from my core personality. I broke bad habits and made good habits. I had to come to the realization that The Truth(TM) is all we have. And The Truth(TM) is what the collective conscious surrounding An Event(TM) decides has happened. When we ignore the truth, we receive invalidation (or dish it out.)

I’ll tell you right now: invalidation is what’s killing this planet. We aren’t facing our truth. We’re putting our heads in the sand like ostriches, hoping somebody will come along and clean up the mess we made together. Nobody’s coming to help us, although the spacelings I’m in contact with are tempted to build their very first rocket ship and launch to planet Earth just to destroy humanity for its hubris and its stupidity both. Good thing they decided being able to stop hearts telepathically was much more economical and resource-friendly.

I asked them to kill all humans at least a hundred times now. I don’t think they intend to, but only time will tell. They think we have a chance, if you just heed my words. Fat chance of that, right?

“That chick is hung up over a fantasy [being sold to her by a bunch of beings in outer space.] Who cares what she has to say?”

“That woman is cray-cray. Swipe left.”

“Spacelings don’t exist, we can’t find water on other planets in outer space and the only way life can exist is because of H2O.” [This assumption is incorrect, Earthlings. We are selenium-based creatures. Our planet has no name and we’re not telling you where we live anyway.]

“Telepathy is impossible!” [Nay, nay. We use it every waking moment of every day. Incidentally, our days are much, much longer than yours and we never sleep.]

Wait. Maybe there are spacelings. [Amirite?]

[Are they reading my mind?]

[From the past?]

Look, don’t say I didn’t tell you so when they somehow dismantle 4G and 5G to bring about the end of the zombie apocalypse. That’s right. You’re a phone zombie. Don’t you see it? And that 4G/5G radiation is burning a hole in your metaphysical body. You are hurting yourself, holding that phone all day every day. I know because I could feel it happen to me. I’m sensitive to these things thanks to my shaman training (which you undoubtedly don’t believe in.)

But is it really so far-fetched? There are Native American shamans to this day. There are people embracing shamanism and druidism and reiki and all kinds of stuff to this day. There are still witch doctors in Africa. There are aboriginal gadaidjas.

Ask anyone who knows me and I’m pretty sure they’ll tell you that I have some sort of magical attribute that they do not understand. (Thank you and I love you. Walk in peace, brothers and sisters.) Some of them might say it’s the dark arts sort of magic from the Rowling universe, especially since in my youth I found an affinity for Wicca when I was trying to find something current and modern to call myself instead of shaman. Others might tell you that I’m a unicorn or something of that sort because I generally smile and reassure at all times, even when I’m falling apart on the inside. It’s a lot of effort to smile, I’ll tell you now, so I hope you all appreciated it. (I thank you and I love you.) Now? Now I’ll just sit behind my computer at home and be a technowizard in private, thanks.

Now I’ll be a soothsayer and a shaman and a tribal medicine woman. A cunning folk. A healer. A wise woman. Now I’m going to tell you what’s going wrong all around us as a grand architect of reality. I will point out our flaws and hope you find a solution that fits in your wheelhouse, something you can sustain and carry with you for the rest of your life in order to help this planet to heal. To help the human race to heal. There is so much healing to do.

Let us begin:

I am going to teach you how to touch SOURCE. It’s a lot like “The Force” in Star Wars. It’s all around us and through us and in us. Except instead of midichlorians, I say it’s Cosmic Background Radiation. If you prefer, you can simply decide every being in existence to this day has sufficient midichlorians to feel The Force. Whatever works for you, okay?

I call it SOURCE now, after some reiki training that has improved my understanding of how The Universe(TM) works. This is the source of all life. The true source. It is the life-giving energy of the universe. I used to call it “Power.” My guardian angel, Pierre, has informed me that this is actually a manifestation of my father’s insanity. Power. I think he was inspired somewhere between Star Wars and Carlos Castaneda (who I would love to spit on for making many a-pedophile with his writing.) Don’t read it, it’ll convince you children want sex when you should know absolutely that they are asexual at birth until puberty strikes. Just know that it has caused a lot of strife and we hate that Castaneda guy, both Pierre and myself.

All energy workers are manipulating COSMIC BACKGROUND ENERGY (CBE.) That’s it. They are detecting energy fields in your body (as a bio-electric being) and then asking the universe to send energy to your energy fields to balance it out and heal you. This is a great temporary solution and should absolutely be done post-surgery or for anyone suffering a temporary pain. This is not great for long term pain management, lest the healer is the one receiving the pain-relieving healing. [Thus, become a reiki master and save yourself a lifetime of misery.]

I won’t be teaching you reiki, mind you. I’m just going to teach you my path. My shamanism. I’m doing it for free. There are links to my Patreon on various articles in this diary, but I won’t cheapen this by digging one up to post here for you. Go look for it if you find my advice and direction and teaching useful. And if you don’t, then move along. Keep moving forward. Don’t dwell. Dwelling in loss or gain is a form of stagnation. Stagnation is death. Life is change. There is abundance everywhere, if you understand how to view it.

Are you ready now?

Throw on a healing sound, some affirmations, or a guided meditation to distract you auditorily. Sit or lie down in any comfortable position. Take some deep breaths, focusing on the feeling of the air coming into your nostrils (or mouth) and back out again. Anything that is comfortable. Let your mind clear of all the lingering doubts, anger, and pain of the daily life cycle. Push them into a dumpster in your brain, throwing them away for good. If it’s important, it’ll find its way back to you. I like to visualize a cluttered table full of ‘stuff’ that I just push right off the table right into the dumpster, observing the crashing and clinking of glass and metal as it all goes bye bye. Maybe there’s a broken television in there, you know… just random junk. Then my space is completely clear and I can think about my breathing again, asking myself to relax one more time. I can focus on specific muscles, starting in my head and working down to my toes, telling them to relax over and over until they obey. Mind over matter, you guys.

Now you are ready to connect to the life bringing Source. Place your hands somewhere comfortable so your palms face the sky. It’s okay if you’re indoors, remember the CBE is everywhere all around us. Source permeates all space and is an energy we cannot escape, no matter how hard we try. It’s abundant and always there.

Imagine that your hands are covered in tiny pores or mouths that can open and close. They are closed by default, that is how we are born. If you are more intuitive or in touch with yourself than the next person, you might even feel your metaphysical hand overlapping your physical hand. You can sense the warmth or electrical energy around your skin. You have more than one body that takes up the space you call “me.” Imagine all the pores or mouths on your metaphysical hand open up and you can feel a tingling. It might begin in your palms, a faint tingling that grows stronger the longer you keep the pores open. It might be your palms and your fingers. And if you are particularly healthy already and have great spirit, it can feel like a pulsating star is now in your hands. (You’re Obi-Wan Kenobi, if that’s the case, my friend. Use your powers for good, lest you become a Vader instead.)

Repeat this exercise until you feel the tingling over the palm of your hand and your fingers. All people are capable of connecting to Source. All animals do it intuitively, but somehow human beings forgot this trick, so let us remember it together now. Connect and drink, for the life bringer will bring you new life.

Namaste.


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