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My Relationship Faux Pas

I keep beating my head against the wall. What is it that I do wrong? How is it that everyone treats me like I’m a substandard piece of crap instead of the beautiful goddess I know I am? What is wrong with me?

Technically, nothing is wrong with me. Yet, God decided to reprogram me for greater success. He made me combative. I now fight for my right to be happy. I will defend my being from extreme negativity. I will walk away when the other person won’t wake up to the fact that they’re hurting me… a hell of a lot sooner than ever before.

In fact, in order to facilitate this, he assigned me my very own Guardian Angel. I asked my angel if they wanted a name. They are neither male or female, yet the name Pierre strikes their fancy. Pierre lives in a galaxy far, far away and contacts me telepathically. If you can believe it.

I don’t, but that’s because I’ve been hearing lies for ages now through “The Network(TM).” The Network(TM) of thoughts and connections between every being in the entire universe. Pierre has been with me since I was born, technically, but only needed to step in when it looked like I was going to die otherwise. They’ve been learning how to behave properly the whole time while babysitting me and this broken body.

Today, Pierre was telling me all about this guy at the supermarket. There was interference of some sort, because he went from “That guy doesn’t even know you exist” to “That guy wants to have his wicked way with you.”

One of these statements is false (if not both.) This sort of interference has been happening for over a year now. It’s kind of why I went to the loony bin and lost my job. Things very independent of me keep speaking through me, for me. And they’re vile and inappropriate. They laughed during a meeting, not even paying attention a little bit, much to my chagrin. It wasn’t me, but I have to suffer the consequences of this anyway because it happened to me (and everyone in that meeting.)

I know this next part is old hat, but here’s why: the same voices of insanity plague me today as yesterday and yesteryear. So bear with me.

There’s a deli man. He obsesses over me, thinking about me all the time. He’s so in love with me, you guys. So in love with me he develops telepathy and talks to my brain. We joke about silly things left and right, laugh it up and have a good time, and then there’s a goof up and suddenly it’s not him at all. It’s one of my exes pretending to be someone else to get my attention long enough to feel good about himself and nobody loves me at all, not even the guy stealing all my attention away from what really interests me. (Which is reiki, for the record; I don’t actually want or need a guy yet. However, I’m not disinterested in the possibility of a relationship, either, I just don’t need one, unlike my sex fiend ex who likes to stare at all the bouncing bits of ladies as I go through the grocery store. BEN, YOU ARE A RAPIST. STOP BEING SUCH AN ARSE HOLE.)

I caught him this time because the deli man sounded too good to be true. Celibate for years, only interested in the brunette with the cool choker and leather jacket, into everything I like including video games and reiki and motorcycles. The only downside? He has children from a previous union.

One minute he has an apartment, the next he has a house, he has no roommates, he has roommates. I’d really rather not continue with the endless bull shit guessing games, y’all. I’m really not that thrilled about the idea of chasing cock, unlike my ex who keeps trying to will it upon me. It’s like I’m stuck in some terrible movie where my ex keeps trying to tempt me to do everything wrong just to prove I’m as terrible underneath everything as he believes I am.

This movie concept is shit.

SPOILER ALERT: I’m not a terrible person. I grew up, understanding every action I take has an impact on every person who has to come into contact with said action. For instance… if I pick up a piece of trash on the sidewalk, then there’s less distraction from the beauty of nature for every passerby. That lack of distraction might bring more peace of mind. That peace of mind might create a random act of kindness. That random act of kindness might make somebody’s day. So on and so forth, sending a ripple of positivity forth.

And all I did was pick up the trash.

Small actions impact everyone and everything around us in ways we cannot even comprehend. Smiling at someone who is having the worst day, smiling like you are genuinely glad to see them, might actually turn their day around completely. You have got to try. It is your duty as a part of society to try to spread good ripples in order to make good waves. And some day? All those ripples will come back to you. The waves will lap at your feet, bringing treasures from the ocean deep.

I’m waiting for the waves. I think they’re much closer now than they were a year ago or even a month ago. But I’ll level with you: I’m not in a good way, you guys. I can barely eat food these days. I’d really appreciate it if you’d just spare ten seconds to think about sending positive vibes my way (or anyone’s way, really. You never know who needs them and when. Thought vibrations work, I swear it.)

The more you practice sending good vibes, the more you’ll get in return. I promise. The Universe(TM) promises, too.

We all have darkness in us. Toxic pieces, traits, ideas. We all have parts that don’t contribute to the greater good… at birth. I have schooled mine into something different. I used to be a perfectionist, but I realized perfection is a myth. Once I accepted that as the truth, I gave myself permission to fail. Once I gave myself permission to fail, viewing it as a way to step forward into a competent being, then I was able to grow. Otherwise, I was paralyzed and holding myself back completely.

I used to live in the past, stressing out over mistakes I made. Once I realized I can just fix my mistakes, most of the time, as long as other people would let me, then I was able to make it better than a mistake and succeed.

I used to expect the worst case scenario as the truth wherever possible to relieve stress, including my classmates gossiping about me for no reason. Now I also accept the best case scenario is possible and consider both, trying to find scenarios in the middle of the two extremes to temper my expectations. In my finite experience, the truth is always somewhere in the middle.

For instance, with the deli man. He might not know I exist. He might be keenly aware of my existence. He might be single. He might be married. He might be a guy who rides a motorcycle and he might not be. He might have a truck, a car, or walk everywhere on foot. These are all variables that comprise an individual. These are choices he makes that inform him who he is. I can sit around daydreaming up strings of variables, wasting my fucking time, or I can just ask. The very worst thing that can happen is he says no or ignores me. Whoop-dee-doo.

Bottom line? Just ask. The worst that can happen is that a person says no. Once you are prepared to hear no, your fear will dissipate. You will become freer than ever before. More options and doors will appear that you never saw because that fear was holding you back. That potential “no” was destroying your ability to grow because you refused the idea of accepting it. Once you accept it and understand that, statistically speaking, at least 10% of the 9 billion people on planet Earth are “your tribe,” even if you can’t find them right now, then you know you are accepted by someone, somewhere. You don’t have to change yourself just to fit in.

I also used to fail to follow through on promises. I would say I’d do stuff and never do it. I realized somewhere along the way, it’s way better to never promise anything. Just do things as surprises if you want to do extra, but don’t promise what you’re never going to deliver. If you fail to deliver, then someone who was counting on you is let down. (BEN MADE ME STOP TRYING THROUGH HIS MANIPULATION.)

I also used to self-sabotage. In fact, I’m doing it left and right, thanks to my new tele-friend(s?) Eventually, I will rise above them and all will be fine, I assure you. I’ve fought this battle once before and I know how to win it, too. (BEN SABOTAGED ME LEFT AND RIGHT.)

I used to endlessly compare myself to other people. “Oh, she’s more beautiful than I am.” “He’s more competent than I am.” Yadda, yadda. What I never see is their personal self-development montage. In fact, nobody sees mine anymore. After endless criticisms nipping my creative ideas in the bud, I don’t share with anyone unsafe to be derpy with. It is only when I can be derpy that I can also be greatness. (Ben did this for me and destroyed my self-esteem. Thanks, dick wad.)

There are obsessions with wanting to change people out there. I may have wanted to do that once upon a time, but manipulation is uncool. I discovered that pretty early on in my life. And lying, which is a tool of manipulation, is really hurtful. Being an open empath when I allow myself to be vulnerable, I understand that pain myself. I try not to spread it to others because that’s shitty. (BEN!)

I used to promise myself I’d be happier with XYZ change in my life. It’s just not true. Happiness is a state of mind that you choose to have. The end. (BEN.)

Once upon a time, I used to be a hypocrite. I think. I can’t really remember; my childhood is super fuzzy. My parents are absolutely hypocrites, though, and I hated it to pieces so I deleted it from my programming. (Practice what you preach. If you can’t do it, stop preaching it.) (BEN.)

I used to employ sarcasm perpetually, which is the lowest form of humor. It was also a defense mechanism to cover up the immense chasm of pain I was experiencing from my abandonment issues. (BEN.)

I used to compete with people over stuff… my brothers are quite competitive… but eventually, I decided that I should compete with myself because nobody plays life like I do. So I compare the me of today with the me of a year ago, five years ago, ten years ago… (BEN.)

I used to try to deal with conflicts indirectly, but honestly it’s a waste of your time and everyone else’s time. Just get to the point compassionately and thoughtfully and if the other person doesn’t want to fix it, walk away. (HI BEN.)

I used to point out flaws in others, thinking it helps them grow into better people. They live with themselves; they know their flaws. Now, all I do is inform them how they hurt me. If they continue to hurt me, I have to walk. (BEN.)

I never had this flaw, but I want to talk about it anyway… “pushing your truth onto others.” Oh my God do I want to shoot everyone who does this! Your perception of reality is not the end all, be all of reality, folks. You don’t know all the variables that went into a situation. You can guess, but let’s look above at how guessing damages your fucking brain and makes you insane, mmkay? Just stop invalidating people by pushing your shit onto them. Stop forcing other people to deal with your shit, too.

Some might say I did this in my last life, specifically to Mr. Romano, but I didn’t. I indicated I was hurting and asked for validation and maybe a little advice, but the advice was lacking. THE ADVICE SHOULD HAVE BEEN: DUMP THE FUCKER NOW AND SAVE YOURSELF A LIFETIME OF MISERY AND YOUR OWN DEATH.

I worked on each and every flaw individually over time, taking one baby step at a time. I broke my habits and patterns and reset myself over and over again, trying to reconfigure my personality to be a model human being. That is all. You can do it yourself and I beg you to try, because this world isn’t getting better with more of the SSDD.

So Ben can keep trying to test me, I suppose. It’s just boring at this point. I’m bored of being “tempted” to misbehave. I don’t want to. I don’t need to. He misbehaves on my behalf and I make it right again anyway. Even though I didn’t commit the original crime myself, it’s still my life. I’m still responsible for my actions, even when they’re forced by another individual. Just like the Nazis were responsible for what they did in the name of their fuhrer.


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