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Metatron is my best self, I’ve realized. The me who tries to make everything less personal so I don’t have to have emotions about it. I don’t have to have feelings about everything happening to me or around me. I don’t have to have feelings about losing my job, moving back in with my parents, and being a lifeless bum.

I did have feelings for a time, but nothing serious, honestly. Why? Because I trust The Universe to carry me in its arms. (I’d really like it to be a buff guy with hair flying in the wind and, you know, a romance novel cover, but that’s not really as cool as The Universe(TM) at the end of the day, is it? P.S. guy who is buff with hair flowing in the wind, my ring size is 7!)

It is not for the greatest good, to wallow in the misery of falling off my pedestal. Of falling from what I once was and starting over. It’s for my greatest good to accept the circumstances of now and work with the resources at my disposal to find a new path or, if I choose to, simply begin again. It’s easy to say what once was is in fact perfection and I can never achieve it again, but I will achieve it again, as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other (or shuffle forward with baby steps — whatever I’m capable of that day, anyway.) As long as I keep my eyes on the goal and get back up, or even crawl forward… Then I will achieve.

Failure is not a choice we make. Everyone fails from time to time. It’s how we learn, really. I failed my last boss and it hurts me so much. That’s what hurts — not losing the job. Failing my team. They were counting on me and I blew it. I blew it because something very strange came over me and forced me to act nothing like myself at all. It was a gradual shift from my normal sane self (or perhaps I was insane then and now I’m course-correcting to sanity?)

I went from sweet, dependable door mat to whatever the fuck I am today. I can’t even define it, but I know I was a door mat. I forced myself to be a door mat. And why? Because of bad advice. Advice that said I should withhold my negativity at all costs. Advice that said I should strap myself into a set of social rules that bind me like a corset in order to be on my best behavior for all those around me, trying my best to be the model they can strive for (and obtain) with the correct logic, compassion, and striving.

That person… being that person… drained me completely. Everyone wanted to take and never give (except some key people who should know who they are, but if you don’t… PADMAJA, JEN, MOHAMMED, ANIR, and last (but never least), PRIYA. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for allowing me to have the most wonderful opportunity to be your guide, even if it was just a short while. I will always remember each and every one of you and I love you. [Don’t worry, if I didn’t name you, it’s nothing bad.]

It’s mental illness, you guys. To insert negativity in a void. To decide that something is bad because it’s unknown. And we’re teaching each other how to behave like this, making assumptions about question marks. In fact, for months and months and months, I’ve had the voices of insanity in my head. I’ve been fighting them. Now, I just ignore them — and it works. They’re being forced to come around. They have to stop being critical nay sayers or they don’t get the space and time to express themselves at all in my head.

You can do that, too. I argued with mine for a long time, but it doesn’t work. They like the attention, wouldn’t you know? And they’ll sell you any lie they can to keep getting it, too. It’s all about them. How many people actually stop and try to be your friend? How many people ask you how you are and really want to know? How many people take time to empathize with you when you’re having a bad day? How many offer a simple authentic smile when they see you need a little cheering on? Not many. I’ve only met one person already like that (that isn’t myself.)

I’ve inspired a lot of people to be more like that, though, so I truly hope they’ve carried onward. I hope they’ve expanded and extrapolated like angels on Earth. God knows we need them. All of them. Every last one of them.

This planet is dying without us waking up to the facts. We poisoned everything. We are now being born with endless defects and facing diseases like Parkinson’s. Because the greed of corporations meant polluting the land we all share, the water we all share, the air we all breathe. All for what? A fucking buck.

I charge every corporation on planet Earth with MURDER. You have been judged. Murderers will be destroyed. Change your ways now. Clean up your messes, the mess you made as a company. Only then will The Universe(TM) reconsider you for entrance to Heaven.

If you do not comply, you will be removed from The Book of Life.

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