Emergency Care


Her soul needed CPR. After eighteen long months, she has a spiritual pulse again. I thought I lost her, y’all. She’s my baby, you know. She’s so sweet and innocent. A fucking unicorn amongst you idiots. More of you could be like her, but I bet you won’t bother or dare.

It’s a shame, because I could use more of you in the war. There’s always a war, you know. This war doesn’t even have bloodshed, so it’s relatively harmless to you… but all in all, if you’re not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

I intend to eradicate this problem in the next decade or so. SO… if you want to change your mind and be part of the solution, let’s discuss some details. This is a war against selfishness, greed, and negative vibration. The vastly unchecked behavior of humankind has caused a rift in the universe. With every negative action you take, you are increasing that rift. Soon, it will swallow us all whole.

I have a problem with this because this issue is uniquely created by the cretins known as humans. You’ve made plundering and exploitation an art form. All for what? The right to be lazy. Let me tell you one thing and one thing only: if you don’t work for your food one way or another, you will die. I mean actual work. As in digging in the dirt kind of work. Hear that, you gajillionaires? You are going to die. I don’t give a shit about money and I’m going to make the whole monetary system collapse completely soon enough.

“Does he even have the ability to do that?” Are you willing to find out? Or are you going to do what I tell you to in order to buy yourself a ticket to purgatory instead of going to Hell in a hand basket? (Wait, I can buy my salvation? Do I need to go to church?) Hardly.

That’s right. STEP RIGHT UP. LET ME TELL YOU THE TRUTH(TM) OF THE MATTER. BILL GATES — YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE FOR NOT BUYING THE ENTIRE WORLD OUT OF NATIONAL DEBTS AND CREATING A DIRECT DEMOCRACY WHEN YOU HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO DO IT. NOW YOU HAVE TO BEAT BEZOS TO IT. I DON’T LIKE THAT CREEP, HE’S A PEDOPHILE. ELON MUSK — YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE FOR TRYING TO GO TO MARS INSTEAD OF CLEANING UP THIS SHIT HOLE. THANKS FOR SOLAR CITY, BUT YOU NEED TO FIX THE PART WHERE BIRDS DIE FLYING OVER IT. MR. BUFFET — CAN YOU FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET RID OF THE PLASTIC ISLAND IN THE GODDAMN OCEAN ALREADY? I’M COUNTING ON YOU, BRO. [DID GAWD JUST BRO ME? YES HE DID.] MR. ADANI — CAN YOU CLEAN UP THOSE RIVERS IN INDIA FOR US ALL? MR. PAGE & MR. BRIN — DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP STOP THIS RAPE CULTURE BULLSHIT BY ANY CHANCE? MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN ARE DYING BECAUSE OF IT. I KNOW YOU HAVE TO MAKE A BUCK AND ALL, BUT CAN YOU BE A BIT MORE DISCERNING? MR. AMBANI — YOU SUCK. THAT IS ALL. THE SAME AMOUNT AS BEZOS, ACTUALLY. MR. ARNAULT, YOU’RE IN THE SAME FUCKING BOAT. GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR.

That covers the global emergency for the moment.

We were talking about my daughter, as I recall. I just had a moment of clarity, you could say. She understands… her cancer can take the back seat to GLOBAL HEALTH.

“Gaia is far more important than I am.” — Crystal.

“I love the Earth. I prefer to call her Gaia, though, because earth is a synonym for dirt… we’re literally calling our planet dirt. Don’t you think we should treat her better than that? We certainly do treat her like dirt, too. We despise dirt. Why? Because it’s dirty, I imagine… we can move it about in various configurations and make it do as we will, reinforcing it with plants whose roots hold the soil in place. Or rocks that do similar, but rocks are nowhere as good at it as plants are. Speaking of plants… we’ve done a travesty to this planet, my friends. We’ve encouraged one horrible, awful thing to occur: the most dominant plant life form on Gaia is grass. Grass didn’t occur like this in nature. We’re depriving the bees of their food and they were just recently put on the endangered species list. You know, Gawd told me that if the bees become extinct, so do we. This is our last chance to help them out. That’s why I bought a ton of seed to sow in the wild parts of my area. Local wild seed. It’ll feed more than the bees. It’ll feed the butterflies, the birds — especially humming birds, probably, but many of these flowers go to seed and we all know birds like seeds. It’ll create more natural habitat for small animals. I know we don’t like rodents, but rodents feed the birds of prey. This delicate balance has been upset for ages and I guarantee you that this is important for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that song birds can and will eat bees when food is too scarce. Birds that are typically kept in check by birds of prey when the rodents aren’t abundant enough. So, you see, it is like each species is holding hands with the next. We continuously annihilate them, systematically, actually, and we expect nothing to happen, like real naive beings. We have seen things collapse all around us for ages now and we still haven’t put it all together? Or is it just that we think humanity is the only thing worth allowing to live? You know, thinking like that is what has brought us to the absolute brink of extinction… and I’ll tell you one thing. Gawd has promised me that we’re not allowed off this rock. He told me we did this to Venus and then came to Earth and terraformed it. And now we’re trying to do it to the next planet, too. You know what I propose? That we clean up this planet, then we clean up Venus, too. It’s much closer than Mars by a long shot and I’m willing to bet once it’s all cleaned up, it is a lot like Earth. I invite you to prove me wrong, by the way, but you can’t argue with me over the distance in comparison to the red giant. Beyond which, have you thought about how much we have to increase the temperature on Mars just to have liquid water, the source of all life as we know it? We are extremely blessed to have this planet, Gaia, but we’re not treating her like an equal to humanity. We treat her like she doesn’t have her own spirit and soul. I, personally, believe she is far more important than all the species crawling across her surface to begin with. She has existed far longer than you or I.”

[The Crystal has spoken. I think I will leave you on that note as I go cry over her heartfelt speech. — G.O.D.]


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