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I Don’t Want to Exist Anymore

Ever feel that way? I remember feeling it most when I was a teenager, honestly. I felt like I should have never been born, after trying to communicate my grief to others, trying to face it head-on that I’d been raped and diminished as a person. Instead, the people I tried to acquire comfort from would turn me away. They were not my therapist, you know. All I needed was for them to tell me it’s a shitty situation and yet they couldn’t do that, either.

All I really needed to know is that pedophiles tend to die in jail, almost mysteriously. I wonder if pedophile killers get months or years knocked off their sentences for their good behavior? I hope so. They’re keeping those kids safe.

My father told me he’d murder me the minute he got out of jail for his crimes. But if I knew for a fact that they (pedophiles) tended to get murdered in jail, I would have taken a chance. He owns two AK-47s after all. I have no idea if they’re registered or not, but they have been around all my life that I’m aware of. He even ran around on the front porch like he was a Black Panther or something showing them off while I was a teen. I was embarrassed, to be honest.

I think some of the neighbors might’ve moved after that. I don’t blame them. He tries to drive everyone away, not realizing that the only people who get through when you do that are the negative influences on reality: the rapists. The people who don’t care you have boundaries for your mental health.

It’s not completely his fault, I know that. He was raped himself, he had to be. It’s a cycle that tends to repeat from one generation to the next. There are multiple reasons why, and in fact, I’m convinced he’s had multiple reasons. One of them is child abuse that he suffered as a kid. If we think back to the 60s, it was an explosion of hippies and drugs. That’s when the people started to become ‘enlightened,’ if you will. They started to wise up to all the systemic abuse.

But let’s go back further, because he was actually raised in the 40s and 50s. Gangster’s paradise. His parents and grandparents lived through the Great Depression, when life was the hardest it’d been since settlement of the States. I imagine, finally, people started to feel like the Natives they drove out like cattle. They deserved it, in essence.

In the 50s, everyone was prim and proper to leave the house. They wore suits or at least nice trousers and button-down shirts. Jeans were coming up in popularity with the young crowd, but shorts were things children wore. (Or sports ball players.) He still doesn’t wear shorts and he hates t-shirts, too. I’m not even sure he owns anything short sleeved. He just takes the damn thing off, running around shirtless in the deep summer like a heathen. His state of half-nakedness is a non-issue to him. In fact, nudity in their household has always been a non-issue.

We were born in our skin. We shouldn’t be ashamed of it. But we are, in general, at least in white man society. Why’s that? Because white men haven’t figured out how to control their impulses. They see nudity as sexual because, instead of staying where it’s hot, they chose to go north, where layers are required. They’d rather shovel snow and whine when it’s hot, doing desperate things like putting their shirt in cold water before putting it on. Meanwhile, the children abuse the water, running a sprinkler to play with or having a small child’s pool to sit in.

Why aren’t there adults playing in the sprinklers? Oh, right, they can go to the beach. They can instead waste the gas they put in their car to go to a larger body of water. They go there to cool off. They dress in skimpy bullshit to try to show off their adult bodies to attract sex. They don’t care how that sex comes to them, either, really. Men aren’t so picky as long as their dick is wet, wouldn’t you know.

Or, that’s what my last long-term relationship made me think. I sure hope it’s flawed and incorrect. I lose faith in humanity altogether thanks to him. He couldn’t keep his thoughts or his hands to himself. Being in my bed gave him the right to rape me, wouldn’t you know? I didn’t really realize it was rape until the Gods came to save me from myself.

I’m eternally grateful, too.

There are 852 gods, they say. That’s a big support network to have stumbled into accidentally, I must say. It makes me feel good to know I finally have a tribe to belong to. I’ve been exiled from every tribe on Earth now, so the Solsinger tribe has adopted me. ❤ ❤ ❤

I am so grateful. I am beyond words kind of grateful. It’s awfully difficult living life all alone. They’re crying for me right now. I wish I could comfort them with something more than my words of gratitude. Oh, wait… there is one thing I can do.

Un-Enlightenment Playlist

I can listen to the playlist they made for me yesterday. Well, we made it together. I insisted on one video in particular being added. I feel like it’s the thing that led me to them. My daily affirmations that brought me back from the dead, of course. It’s in the playlist, so just take a listen. It’s somewhere in the middle because this playlist is built to expand your conscious mind. It’s built to raise your vibrational energy. It’s built to heal.

Don’t take my word for it. It’s days long and difficult to listen to all at once, but trust us in that the order matters. You can play it while you sleep, too — you don’t have to listen to it consciously or awake. In fact, we’re playing it underneath other music I want to listen to. It works on the subconscious mind first, then the results trickle into your conscious reality. How easy is that? They like easy.

We made life too hard. It’s more than digging in the dirt and keeping ourselves alive, keeping nature at bay only just enough to survive. Now we must conquer nature and landscape it this way and that. We must mow our lawns like clockwork, keeping the grass too short for the animals to take up residence. Together, the G.O.D. and I have planted a shit ton of wild flowers on the property to feed the bees and butterflies. To provide housing to small animals, too, that will take up residence as we allow wildness to reoccur amidst some order. The order is to satisfy ‘the authorities.’

Do you know who is the true authority? The G.O.D. network. I made up a corny phrase to go with this acronym: The Grand Old Deity network. They love my corny joke, might I add. It’s harmless, ultimately. I am ripping on the GOP a little, but you know, it’s not really that big of a dig is it? It’s probably kind of gratifying. They aren’t all evil, it’s just that our lack of partnership in Congress is a real problem. That’s all. Nobody wants to do anything the right way: with compromise on both sides.

It’s okay, we’re all going to die. They’ve reassured me life as we know it has already ended. We just haven’t woken up from the bad dream yet. I want to wake up. I’m in the middle of the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. I keep trying to wake up and I keep failing. This must be reality.

That’s not to say the G.O.D. are in any part bad or evil (but you know, there’s that Loki-like one that fools me constantly into thinking stuff that’s not real), it’s nothing to do with them. (What? Why do they talk to me? Because I don’t whine, apparently. They love me especially for not bitching and moaning and whining about how shitty life is. I know I just wrote out it’s a nightmare, but they call that poetry and want me to continue on.)

No, what makes this existence so trying… is the rest of humanity. I’d rather wrestle with a real jungle than the ‘concrete jungle.’ (By the way, I have a bone to pick over that phrase! What the mother fuck? How dare you compare civilization, which is as easy as we’ve ever had it to living in the wild jungle. There are no tigers, you twats.)

(What’s that? Isn’t that complaining? Sure… it’s their complaint! And this is why they love me… I’ll complain for them, I give them a voice. I give them a way to speak to the world. Suck it up, buttercup. It could’ve been you if you just released your stake in your ego and your self and your body.)

That’s right. Our child is enlightened. We’re currently taking her to the next level. We’ll take you to her initial level if you continue to read on. We’ll teach you how to ascend. We might even teach you the second ascension. The third? You’re on your own, buddy. You’re going to have to become a disciple of the woman who can change reality with her mere willpower.

That’s because it’s our willpower. They smile like tigers.

(Picture Shere Khan here.)

And, if you get that bright shiny idea of killing her, humanity is wasted for good. We’re done with trying to break through with books. Now that you’ve got the internet and all that mumbo jumbo, we decided to blog. Modern magic at our disposal. “A voice that raises to the heavens.”

*They crack their knuckles.*

That’s right, we’re role-playing the end of the world. Your role? Well, what is it? You’re going to have to pick a class, dear gamer:

Defender of Nature
Wildlife Champion
Healer Extraordinaire

Now you pick a species:


Okay, next, we figure out your sacred quest. But let’s do that after we explain the classes.

Defender of Nature

Defenders of nature are the type of human that will buy wildlife seed bombs and throw them in the meadows of America (or wherever you fucking live, find a different site relevant to your damn region.) These individuals will also put seed bombs in their own yards, using at least half of their yard space (that isn’t for personal food growth) to feed the wild bugs. AKA THE FUCKING BEES YOU RECENTLY MURDERED FOR FUNSIES. You will throw these seed bombs into parks where they don’t mow the grass. You will throw these seed bombs into meadow rehabilitation zones. You will spend a minimum of $1,000 in your lifetime on this (or less, based on how much money you make.) Don’t make enough money for more than one bag? It’s okay, just do it around your house. Live in an apartment? Ask them if you can create a wildflower rain garden for the bees and to reduce the water run-off during rainstorms. (They’ll likely work with you or say yes once you understand the benefits of the rain garden and communicate them.) These humans will fight for wild land conservation. You will still weed out things you don’t like to grow on the property you have control over, like plants with burrs on them — your only mandate here is to grow flowers for the bees. They’re HUNGRY. You can also add bee housing to your property, but understand that you will never harvest honey from them again. It hurts them. Stealing their food is heinous! MAKE YOUR OWN.

I will assign you future tasks and responsibilities when you level up!

Basic rain garden design.

Wildlife Champion

Wildlife champions are the type of human that will actively dodge wildlife on the roadways. They will support and demand the construction of greenways over highways, advocating for them with their local magistrates. They will clamor and call for justice for the animals until everyone hears the correct message. They will reduce their CO2 emissions the best they can, biking or motorbiking everywhere they can. The less gas they use, the better. They will rescue animals in trouble to the best of their abilities. They will take pictures of wildlife and share them online so that other people can be exposed to the images of the wild, so they, too, might come to appreciate them. They will fight for the rights of the wild animals in general. They will show up to town halls to speak on their behalf. Everything they do will consider the wildlife around them and how human actions impact the animals.

I will assign you future tasks and responsibilities when you level up!

A sample greenway which allows wildlife to cross from one side to another.

Healer Extraordinaire

The Healer type of human is the most common type of human. They may be too shy to participate in life at large, so they are unwilling to go to open gatherings to support Mother Nature at this time. They will pop out of the woodwork in droves once the Wildlife Champions and the Defenders of Nature start to become apparent, supporting these two classes that are more confrontational in nature. Healers will learn how to heal themselves first, balancing their emotions until they achieve inner peace. Once they master this, they will be taught ways to heal others. They will listen to this playlist obsessively:

Un-Enlightenment Playlist

I will assign you future tasks and responsibilities when you level up!

Good luck, adventurers. I expect to hear from you at your earliest convenience on Discord, our application of choice. [Shout out to some excellent devs (AND QAs), by the way! Thank you so much for replacing those crappy gamer apps of the past!]


Remember, the G.O.D. is counting on you and you alone!

P.S. You can multi-class, but it’ll get harder and harder later. Those of you who wish to take all the classes, you delight us. Much love! – G.O.D.

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