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Magic God, God Magic


I don’t remember the majority of my life anymore. I died in 2020. The girl I used to be is all gone, like sand in the wind. God’s really upset about that, by the way, because supposedly I was the person all of humanity was allowed to live in order to create.

She’s gone now, sorry. Your messiah bitch has evaporated.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, Texas Roadhouse, you’re dead in the water for how you treat your fucking cows.

Genius is often psychopathy. You should have grown a conscience at least a decade ago. I’m going to destroy you and everything you do. Me, God.

They feed their cows hormones, folks. Speed grow the animals to go to slaughter. Feed them a specific diet (which isn’t good for them) and treat them like cattle… when they are living, breathing creatures with feelings. Have you ever looked a cow in the eyes? Haven’t you seen the shine of intelligence behind those eyes? Why the fuck are you treating cows this way? It’s heinous and you heard it from the Indians… cows are sacred. You should have listened.

I’m not against you eating the cows. I’m against you raising them in a tiny ass field with a fence to keep them from meandering around, feeding on corn as if that’s their natural diet. Everything is corn fed these days, which is why you can no longer eat it. It’s starting to catch on in Europe, too. Mass poison the world, why don’tcha?

There are so many evils I could address, but we’ll start here:

Survey your souls, children of God. I’ve returned. I’m displeased with what I see. You’ve destroyed my garden and exploited everything inside of it just so you can be lazy and procreate endlessly. Just so you can be safe. I am taking your safety away. Good luck with feeling safe after I destroy about 3/4 of you miserable cretins.

I’m writing to you first through the vessel formerly known as Crystal Lynn Scordias. I want you to change first. I want you to redeem yourselves. Start with a new translation of the Bible, if you want. Do it through a scientist. I promise you, it’s not religious. It’s more like Star Trek. (Thanks, Gene!)

Leave the poor girl alone, folks. Every single one of you fuckers has misunderstood her completely, save a scant few. Very scant. I can count them on one hand kind of scant. I don’t want to name names, but the five people who have come to understand Ms. Scordias will live. Mostly because they’re inspired by her to be better people and I think they might be able to fix her.

I have tried for over a year, but we have failed. Those of us up here on the Enterprise (funny how our ship is named the same as that one, isn’t it?) have been trying to repair her since 2020. You might note it’s the middle of 2022 now. Patience is wearing out, but not for her. For the rest of you.

What are you thinking? Why is it all about money, booze, and babes? Sex, sex, sex. I gotta fuck it if it’s moving. She met one of you like that and that’s what ruined her perspective on humanity. He said exactly the right things to destroy her personality, her will to live, and her essence.

He will die a very miserable and slow death, I assure you. I will even give my daughter popcorn while she watches, should she so desire. He deserves to be molecularly disrupted until his brain activity ceases. He will not escape so easily from what he has done, however, because you all live on after death.

You failed to take heed of that part of my lesson millennia ago. Congratulations! You’ve earned yourself a second lifetime full of HELL ITSELF. You will have to apologize for as long as it takes to make it right with the people you’ve wronged. Start now. Pray they will forgive you. Daily. Five times a fucking day. Pointing eastward.

Yes, it fucking matters.

Those of you who apologize for everything you do wrong and then some (CRYSTAL ONLY, I ASSURE YOU), you have nothing to worry about, darling. The rest of humanity should learn from you starting right now.

Start apologizing to Crystal for assuming she’s like the rest of you shit stains. She’ll hear it in the back of her mind, that much is certain. So will everyone else you’ve wronged in your lifetime, if you choose to start overachieving now instead of kissing ass after you die.

Billions will die after I’m done warning you of what’s to come. I just want you to all understand why.

It all starts with a seed. Just one seed. Where did you put my magical, mystical seed, children? Where is Yggdrasil? What have you done with her? WHERE IS MY FAVORITE FUCKING TREE? She has a lifespan you couldn’t believe, but I don’t see her.

YOU CUT MY FAVORITE FUCKING TREE DOWN. I ALREADY KNOW IT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

I couldn’t be more pissed off at you imbeciles. You just have to go and ruin everything, don’t you? I have another, but it’s going to cost you most of your lives. The rest of you will be given instructions how to care for this tree all at once. Crystal will write them down, because she’s an incredibly gifted technical writer, and then you will have no excuse. You will tend to my fucking tree for the rest of eternity as repentance.

And what did you use her flesh for? Can you guess? PAPER. YOU FUCKING IDIOTS STOLE MY TREE TO WRITE DOWN DRIVEL. “Oh, but I planted another!” YOU KILLED YGGDRASIL, THE TREE OF LIFE, FOR PAPER. TOILET PAPER. That was her second life, you see, as paper. And now? Her great spirit has dispersed. She exists no more.

You killed one of the most beautiful creatures of planet Earth to wipe your bums.

And that’s why, from now on, I’m calling you all shit stains.


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