Weight Lost: 8 LBS


Burn the Ships by for KING & COUNTRY on Spotify

I lost 8 pounds this past week. “Oh, that’s just water weight!” Nope, it’s not, but keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. You will want to once you know I don’t eat hardly any sugar. I eat small meals about six times a day. Sometimes, my meal is coffee and creamer. Not incredibly nutritious, but it is what it is.

Any liquid that isn’t water is food. That’s the only way to look at reality and make sense of it, in my eyes. Once I realized that, I started looking at soda as a dessert. It’s just like a dessert, too, except in liquid format with bubbly water. I’ve long since switched to carbonated water without any sugar added. I really love Wegmans Black Cherry Vanilla sparkling water. I truly hope they’ll make it a SodaStream additive some day. I also hope I get my SodaStream back, but that one’s real iffy. If not, I’ll save up and get another one. It saves over $500 a year for a chronic soda drinking family. Plus, you’re not paying to move all that water around in most cases.

In my town, the water is undrinkable. I wish they’d fix it. They dumped fluoride into it ages ago and now they pretend they don’t know what reverse osmosis is, which would remove that impurity completely forever. It’s what St. Louis does and it works very nicely… until people fail to get the minerals that purified water leeches out of their bodies, anyway.

I’m in ketosis, that’s how I lost 8 pounds quickly. I’m looking to ditch 32-42 more pounds overall. When I first started keto, I did it wrong. I did it wrong for years and nearly killed myself. So I stopped and initially lost 40 more pounds but gained it back by trying to diversify my food groups again. I just can’t eat half of creation, that’s all there is to it.

Bird meat does not sit well anymore in my tummy. Turkey, chicken. Is it because they’re raised in hatred? Dumped into pens to crawl all over each other? They have too little room to poop far away from where they eat? No, thank you, I’d rather not puke every time I eat. I think I’m allergic to it these days and that makes me sad. It’s inexpensive… but only because they treat these birds inhumanely. Maybe I can find myself a hunter husband who can bag us a wild turkey once a year or something.

I’m in keto even though I ate a handful of potato chips yesterday. God said, ‘Let me show you something.” We ate potato chips and a small handful of blue corn chips both. We just spaced them out over many hours. In between, I had coffee without sugar in it. If I don’t get any carbs, I just use a creamer with sugar… but honestly, I want a creamer that tastes great but doesn’t have sugar at all. I don’t even need sweetener… I just want it to be vanilla. But we forget vanilla is sweet without sugar, apparently. I know it is because I buy unsweetened vanilla soy milk and that does the trick. It’s just not as creamy as a creamer. It’s not vanilla concentrate, either, so the delicate flavor is defeated by the bold manly flavor of coffee, you see.

I know I’m picky. I’m an autistic foodie. I want my taste buds to dance every time I consume something, even water, really. That one’s a tall order, though.

Yesterday, we had a light food day because I ate pork recently. Pork and my body do not agree. We used to! I do not know what’s gone wrong. I assume the farming industry or the butchering industry, but I have no proof. I want meat that’s not aged. I had mast cell activation syndrome two years ago. I beat it, but that doesn’t mean I should eat aged meat. I think it’s bad for us. We’re adding bacteria that we don’t need to it.

I beat a lot of things. My only nemesis is some asshole in my head trying to feed me a typical man diet while buying me clothes too small to fit me at my thinnest, no less. That’s every man, basically, ladies. They want to feed you poison and force you to wear shit that doesn’t fit so you’re completely unhappy with yourself, and that’s why the clothing industry doesn’t fit big clothes to big women (or men, really.) Go to Torrid! You will love the fit!

I felt like a freak of nature or some monster, fitting into clothes sized up from size 0 models. My body isn’t shaped like that! I’m a fucking pear shaped human being rather than an hourglass figure. There are apple shaped human beings, too. You probably know the pain of ill-fitting shirts in every regard. (Try Torrid, ladies! They have tons of tops for all shapes.)

I was already in ill-fitting clothes, you see… so I never could feel it when my body would swell over eating something bad for me. It does, too. My clothes get uncomfortably tight for hours. God tells me this is SIBO. Small intestine bacterial overgrowth. I’ve had it my whole life thanks to some asshole parents who taught me bad habits that helped it to persist (and fed me food to ensure it persisted.)

I have great news for you. If you’re like me and you’ve tried every diet known to mankind and only ever had success on keto, I can tell you why! It’s because SIBO is fed by sugar. You have to get less than 2g of carbohydrates at any given time to stop feeding it.

That’s why I ditched my Silk non-dairy vanilla creamer officially now. I’ve instead gotten some soy protein isolate and collagen powder to doctor into something close to creamer. It’s not vanilla flavored, but this is a “suck it up, buttercup” moment. I’m not going to stop there, either.

I am on a quest for creamy creamer, after all. Collagen is thin. Soy protein isolate doesn’t combine well at all and it cooks if you heat it, so I’m pretty disappointed in that. I’ve added cashew milk, which is also thin. I tried non-dairy butter, but that has coconut oil in it which I suspect also has sugar content (or maybe I just grew bacteria in my intestines that have overgrown from too much coconut?) Soy milk is a little thicker than cashew milk (be careful to find unsweetened milks, of course) but it still isn’t the ideal creamer base.

I’m working on attempting to emulsify avocado oil or olive oil into either cashew milk or soy milk, making something like a runny mayonnaise consistency. I have to get off my ass and find my food processor… or pray my blender can do it. It probably can… I’m just not ready for another failure yet. I’ve had plenty of fail lately, so I’m doing the tried and true: mix shit together in a cup and drink it, hoping I didn’t make it too bitter. I have some ingredients I hope to use up completely so I have less noise in the background, less distractions, less temptation. I don’t want to throw food away just because I can’t lose weight. That’s heinous. There are children starving in China, you know.

Maybe they shouldn’t overpopulate their country so there’s less starvation… then again, maybe we should understand every person deserves food and we can farm more than enough food for every mouth on planet Earth — including the ones that aren’t human. The pandas, the elephants, the squirrels, even the grasshoppers. Oh wait, we got grasshoppers covered. Grass is the most prevalent plant on the planet thanks to our lawns. I’m going to bomb my lawn with wild seeds soon. I want to save the bees, after all.

Anyway, you’re certainly dying to know how to lose 8 pounds, I’m sure.

Stop eating sugar. Stop eating everything that breaks down to sugar. I was reading nutritional advice lately about how carbohydrates keep our bodies alive at the cellular level… but if you recall, once upon a time, we were a hunter-gatherer society. How many of those gatherers do you think dug up plants for their roots if they didn’t have to? Don’t you think they were more interested in what was above ground? And how many of them had bread? Corn, perhaps, sure… one ear in a bushel of random edible plants. Rice? Okay, yeah, once in a while… you had to brave leeches for that once upon a time. Wheat? Well, again… one plant per bushel!

Nobody ate what we eat now, not in abundance. Not in excess. It was a treat. Random. Out of their control. They got tons of greens – many of which looked and tasted like they might kill you. Berries. Tree fruit, occasionally, if they could get it before the birds and the bees and the bugs in general. They had to compete with the animals, you know. And do you think they were able to wait for perfect ripeness? How spoiled are we these days?

Additionally, can we rethink this carbohydrate bullshit? I don’t need it for my body to work. Maybe you do. Maybe we’re all different and what works for me won’t work for you. Believe that one and I’ll sell you another [lie, that is.] But, again, talk to your doctor first.

Mine nearly killed me. I don’t trust doctors anymore. I can diagnose and fix myself. I already am. I already did. The only doctor I trust is Dr. IMAET machine. Pricey, but less money than I’ve already paid for health insurance and shitty doctors.

What do we do now, though? We kill all the bugs and then we cry, The bees are dying! The bees!!!!! Our crops will fail! It’s a problem we created for ourselves, idiots. Stop spraying crops to kill the bugs and animals. We stole their fucking land and instead of supporting them, we say, there’s no room for them here. We are the superior species. Never mind that thousands of farmers are paid not to farm a thing to make sure food costs something. That’s right. This organic craze is stupid. If every farmer farmed organically everywhere, we’d all be fed for pennies on the dollar. How’s dem apples?


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