We Don’t Want to Kill You All

We don’t really want to eradicate the human species. We’re really upset you destroyed the red and blue people. Incredibly upset. You really don’t know when to stop your bullshit. Good thing we took some away in cryostasis to preserve the species of each. They will be deposited on Gaia once more and protected in order to procreate and repopulate the earth with their kin. If you raise a finger, those of you who are left standing, you will die. You will be lasered to death. To ash, actually. We like having zero mess to clean up.

You know, Crystal read the Bible not that long ago and she asked herself… Doesn’t Sheol sound like it could be a spaceship? Man she’s good at this stuff, putting together puzzle pieces. Sheol is my spaceship. She’s a great spaceship, at that. She has her own personality and everything. And, sometimes, a mind of her own, which I don’t mind. If I did, I’d have to call myself a slaver and that would be wrong. Enslavement.

But you know, why is she the only one who thought that? Nobody else reading the Bible thinks Sheol is anything but a grave or a vague reference to Hell. (Hell’s another spaceship, by the way. It’s the prisoner ship. Those of you not condemned to death but are still unfit to be on planet Earth will end up in Hell.)

You murdered my babies, Behemoth and Leviathan. Those of you who are descendants of these psychos and know the story without telling it are dead. I’m killing you all for your silence and your complicit nature. You are part of the conspiracy to keep humanity from doing better and you will die. I don’t care if you start telling the story now, but it might help mitigate your sentences.

You also murdered Lilith and demonized her. There are no demons, yet you created them and perpetuated it for millennia. That poor woman gave labor for weeks due to an unfortunate event… we learned the hard way that those of us up here cannot fornicate with those of you down there. (It’s a shame, too, because Crystal asked to marry us all. We would accept if we could.)

Can you even imagine childbirth over 800 times in a week? Those of you who just did, you live. Those of you still trying, you might live. Those of you who give zero shits, you die.