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God is Mad, Bro


You’re damn right, I’m mad. I’m livid. I’m beyond angry. You stupid pricks have yet to learn to live with the native creatures of any planet. Thank fuck I took the pains to collect the six trillion seeds and genetic samples of all the creatures of “Earth.” You destroyed them all, just about. Now you all have a little garden with the same ten or so plants so you all look identical to each other, driving out native species. Now you all use fossil fuels to poison the air, not caring that the birds can’t fucking breathe it anymore. They’re dying of cancer thanks to you inconsiderate assholes. How about the candy wrappers in the ocean? They found one in the Mariana’s Trench, the deepest and furthest recess of planet Earth. I’m sick to my stomach knowing you’d rather eat a Snickers than take care of life as we know it. As if I can create a brand new planet for you dumb asses every time you ruin one. It ends here.

I was trying to follow the prime directive, as Mr. Roddenbury has put into his exceptionally well-renowned series: Star Trek. (Good job, Mr. Roddenbury. We love you up here. You will be allowed to live.)

I tried to allow you to develop yourselves up as a species without interference, but you have proven you’re all children. Some of you are good children, but most of you are terrible children who’d rather eat lollies all day instead of pick up lolli wrappers from the ground after your miserable fucking tots throw them there.

“Oh, it’s okay, this piece of oil that was recreated into a film to keep things airtight and never decomposes can just stay on the ground.” (By the way, beautiful elderly woman who was picking up trash at the bus stop in Erie, PA, in 1995, you will live. You will live until you’re more than 100 years old. She’s about 80 now. Crystal thinks you’re an inspiration for mankind and strove to be like you.)

All of you who had multiple children for the sake of having a specific gender, you will die. You’re all pedophiles and/or gay and your irresponsibility is killing me slowly. You can’t even handle one singular child, but you’ll have three or more. (Sorry, Andy C. and Robyn. We do like you, but you overdid it by far. The planet was over-populated with human beings three hundred years ago and nobody took heed to what my original dictation actually says.)

I don’t even know if I want 2.2 billion of you to continue to live at this point. You’ve raped Gaia, you’ve raped Venus, and you’ve raped Eden. That’s all you fuckers do. Rape, rape, rape. Especially those of you who are white. You give zero shits about most shit. Look at you all, with your history. A white man created plastic — he died already, but those of you who keep using it will die. A white man created slavery. Dead already, but those of you who are still slavers will die. A white man created classism. You will die. All of you who think you are better than the people around you will die.

You’re all in the same world of shit. My daughter, Crystal, cries over it all the time. You assholes slash and burned down the rainforests just to farm coffee for a quick buck. That’s right, coffee is from exploitation of the rainforests. If you are a coffee-drinker, find coffee made in your country and buy it. Find coffee that is fair trade. Find coffee that isn’t from Guatemala or Brazil or Venezuela or Colombia or Argentina. You can get it from Mystic Monk, Purity, or any number of retailers online, including Wegmans, actually. Wegmans brand coffee is made in Canada, it’s grown in greenhouses and they don’t have to use pesticides to grow it and the mold is low in it. Excellent small budget coffee. For Americans, anyway. Good luck getting that shit in Europe. I suggest getting coffee from France, you ugly fuckers. I hate Europeans more than any other type of human being. You will learn why as I write through my child, but the base reason is this: you took your rapist bullshit and forced it onto everyone else. You killed each other, especially in the name of the Holy Word — MY WORD THAT TELLS YOU NOT TO MURDER. You justified it. Oh the crusades! Oh the holy land! Templars. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. There are no knights of valor, they’re all hedonistic pleasure-seekers who raped whoever the hell they pleased and got away with it.

Those of you who romanticize knights and call them chivalrous and just and so on, know one thing: they are trying to make you think Jesus is a knight. They took the Jesus story and spun it how they wanted to, especially with the Guinevere-Arthur-Lancelot triangle. It was done to confuse you all. Lancelot, being a ‘white knight in shining armor’ supposedly saved Guinevere from Arthur, who was trying to murder her. (Never mind these three people never existed.) Guinevere then slept with Lancelot, which pissed off Arthur and incited him to murder.

This is what happened between CAIN AND ABEL. CAIN STOLE ABEL’S WIFE BY KILLING HIM. The times dictated that any male sibling, unmarried, would marry their sibling’s widow to keep land within the family. And now you’re confused because what if Cain was like Arthur and all noble outside of that! Good question. Does it matter? He’s a murderer. He stole the wife and the farm and the farm animals and killed the children, too, in order to start over with the woman. You don’t even know her name because you give zero shits about women, historically speaking.

And that’s why my lovely lady is so lovely and will remain unscathed. I will destroy you if you raise a finger toward her. We are already here, in outer space, waiting. You can’t find us because your technology is too weak. We are the Romulans in this scenario, technology-wise. We are The Federation, mentality-wise.

We see this island of plastic from up here. We do. We’re abhorred by it. There are even creatures living in it, trying to do their best as their natural habitat is stripped away. You’re killing everything to make a buck, you know. Some of you aren’t. Some of you make do the best you can. Some of you do even better than that, and make a place better before you leave it behind. Crystal’s one of those, even though she had to leave her house in St. Louis behind. (Btw, Dena, we’re gifting it to you. I don’t want a dime from it.)

Since you’re likely to call bullshit on it, we might do something extreme, such as save the fucking cows from you murdering bastards. What the fuck do you think you’re doing over-milking them with machinery daily? You see them giving every ounce and then the blood and pus following and you still do it, over and over again. Meanwhile, you insidious bastards will bottle-feed poison to babies to save your chafed nipples from overdoing it. What a fucking double-standard. I abhor double-standards.

I am Captain God. That’s my official rank and title. I have another name, but I won’t be sharing it with you. You can correlate and imagine more by comparing me to Captain Jean Luc Picard. (Thank you sir, you live as well.) He did an amazing job portraying exactly what I sent to Mr. Roddenbury. I thank you both, good sirs. Especially since Crystal used the prime directive to live her entire life, doing her best to never leave a track or trace of her being anywhere, believing she should leave things either exactly as she found them or even better than she found them.

Thank you, random internet company, that makes guerrilla seed bombs, by the way. Native ones, too, in America anyway. She’s going to start spreading seeds to help me repopulate the Earth the way it’s supposed to be. Gaia shall be pleased. The rest of you can do the same any time. It might even earn you some brownie points so you, too, can live. I imagine if you all work together suddenly to clean it all up — even the motherfucking landfills, by the way — then perhaps I can leave your species to it. I doubt it. I bet you all tell me and her she’s crazy.

That’s cool, bro. She don’t mind being crazy. She’ll take it any day over being like you. (India, clean up that fucking river already! YOU KNOW THE ONE. DO YOU REALLY THINK THE FOOD YOU GROW FROM IT IS SAFE TO EAT?)


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