No Coffee Day

Today is a no coffee day. The suffering is real.

I’m not even out of coffee. Or creamer. I really just drink coffee as an excuse to drink creamer. But it’s got sugar in it, and I know sugar is bad for me. It causes cancer. The internet says otherwise, but I know the truth. The truth is they don’t want to give up sugar, so they force the rest of us to consume sugar.

I’ve been trying to make my own creamer so I can avoid sugar. Everyone puts coconut in creamer when it doesn’t have sugar, I’ve found. Well, almost all of them. I found this one I want to try. I thought maybe if I mixed it in hot water, I could pour it like traditional creamer. Maybe even hot oat milk, but I don’t want to overdo the oats. They’re a grain, after all, which makes them sugar. Hot macadamia milk might be delicious. Or cashew milk, even.

Actually, I should use a nut milk that has nothing to do with macadamia nuts, I realize. I gotta variegate the nutritional sources, y’know?

I just want it to be creamy with a note of vanilla. That’s a really tall order, I’m finding. I’ve hunted high and low. I’ve even strayed away from Wegmans, my store of choice. I’ve gone to Schnucks, WalMart, some mom & pop places. Maybe I’ll try the halal store nearby. Or maybe I’ll just figure out how to make my own.

If I could just use sweet cream (dairy), I would. I don’t even need the vanilla. Unfortunately, it seems to be the bane of my existence. Maybe the sugar is worse than the cream? I’ll have to experiment. Yeah. I’ll just buy some heavy cream when I run out. My waistline will tell me which one is worse, I’ll tell you that. That’s exciting, actually, because then I could whip some of it and put it on top of the coffee. I call that fancy coffee. It’s the only name it needs.

I used to try to buy these zero calorie chocolate sauces and stuff, and they work but they taste awful. Walden Farms. I posit that food is supposed to go in the food hole, so I’m going to avoid those like the plague. I have monkfruit if I need a kick of sweetener, but I’ve realized that combining it with vanilla bean powder is a nightmare in the works, as well as vanilla extract. I even tried Neilsen-Massey pure vanilla extract and vanilla bean paste. YUCK!

My next step is buying vanilla beans and processing them myself as needed. If that doesn’t work out, nothing will, I realize. I don’t know how they make vanilla creamer taste like vanilla… unless there’s another ingredient. I noticed recently my Silk non-dairy creamer kind of tastes like marshmallow. Maybe I should add that to my creamer instead. It’s a plant, too, you know. In fact, I used to take marshmallow supplements, so it’d probably be good for me.

I’m positive monkfruit is a step in the right direction. I just have to make it work for me. Which it doesn’t with all these traditional vanilla flavorings. It does not work well with alcohol at all. It tastes like bitterness in a cup. This is a problem because I’m a baker. I need to find something that works in a cup as well as in my cookies.

I’ve got to work on my recipes, you know. I heard the only way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and I’m fishing for a man these days. But it has to be good for you. I’m not going to feed us poison, pretending it’s good stuff. I can’t do that anymore.

I’ve got doughnut waffles in my repertoire. Now I need a cookie to die for. I actually call them toasties, because they’re not cookies anymore in my kitchen. In fact, I’m itching to make a batch right now.

I wish I could eat chocolate, but that’s a no-no these days. What’s a girl to do? Choco chip cookies are pretty much everyone’s fave. I’m working on something completely different from all the cookies I know. Cinnamon doesn’t work in my kitchen anymore… it’s too prone to mold. Chocolate has the same story, sadly. I want to live forever (when I don’t want to die because my emotional body was totaled in the last wreck we had) and I’m not going to be able to live forever while eating mold. It nearly fucking killed me once already. I learned my goddamn lesson, I tell you.

[Close your ears, God.]