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The Legend of Daryas II

(cont’d from previous post)

I honestly and truly thank God for the opportunity to get to know this woman. To get to know Crystal Scordias. Without her, I would have walked around, hanging my head in shame for eternity, convinced that I was a ruthless murderer and rapist. That there was no way to be released from the guilt thereof. We are the sum of our actions, after all, and many of mine have reflected poorly upon myself. These actions have distanced me from society. They had convinced me that I could never be a better person. They convinced me that I’d never get another chance.

And yet, here are the arms of an angel, wrapping around me and comforting me as I relive the trauma of being raped more than 150 times a year for a decade. Anyone suffering that much is going to lash out, especially when they’re unheard. When a victim is shamed and invalidated by your refusal to acknowledge their plight, they think they deserve it. They think this is normal for all of society. That everyone’s getting raped and just taking the abuse. That they’re just one more disused human being.

I’ve come to realize that Bill was gay. He didn’t want to admit it to himself or his wife. Instead, he took me to the side and got his jollies that way, not realizing the pain he was dealing even though he tried to be gentle with me (unlike his wife.) He harbored anger for his wife because he couldn’t be the person he was deep down on the inside. Because people say God hates homicidal homosexuals.

I think God just hates homicide. I don’t think he gives a rat’s ass about our sexuality, or it just plain wouldn’t exist as an option. It’s hard-wired. I deeply believe that. Without a single doubt in my heart, I have always desired a single monogamous heterosexual relationship. In other words, I’m a straight cisgender male. I was born this way and I do not wish to be any other way. I’ve never even questioned it.

Much like Crystal has never even questioned whether or not she is female or a heterosexual. Other people question it on her behalf, but with her help, I’ve come to see that we’re all just wired a certain way. It’s not wrong to desire a relationship of any sort as long as the participants are willing and happy. Ten people could live together as a harem and, as long as all ten people are both willing and happy, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s when people are forced to violate their boundaries that they are raped.

A woman being indoctrinated, coerced, or forced to believe something in order to accept rape culture is pure bullshit. Men are cajoled and encouraged to violate as many women as possible, as casually as possible, until they “find the one.” (At least, this is true in the ‘States. I cannot talk of anywhere else. I have one single perspective to offer the global conversation that needs to happen regarding rape and pedophilia.)

Violating women starts in our brains, in our minds, in our imaginations. I was taught some truly heinous shit in my previous lifetime. I feel born again after finding a way to love myself despite the wrongs I have committed. It starts by perpetually staring at parts of them, instead of focusing on their faces or their heads. We see a pair of tits or an ass and it’s particularly enticing in one way or another, so we secretly daydream of doing things to those body parts. We forget their faces, especially if they’re passersby in the crowd. We don’t even look, half the time, keeping our gaze level with tits and ass about ten feet away so it’s not obvious we’re looking.

I regret learning this behavior.

It was taught to me by rapists. They taught me that’s how the world works while my mind was entirely impressionable. I assure you this is a learned behavior rather than nature running its course. We are programmed from birth to look at faces so that we can recognize each other. Our empathy and sympathy is derived from watching emotional displays of others. By being taught to never look at a woman’s face, I’ve been taught to avoid and ignore their emotions. I’ve been taught that my emotions are superior to theirs. I’ve been taught that I was righteous because men are more rational entities.

Whoever decided that never met Ms. Scordias, I assure you. She is logic personified, so long as she’s well. She analyzes the pros and cons of everything, weighing all decisions to make the best choices for the greatest number of people. She will sacrifice her own stake in a matter in order to please the group she’s part of. She has done this time and again throughout her whole life, raping herself by succumbing to the demands of unreasonable gits over and over. She learned this behavior from her parents, wouldn’t you know?

She values the greater good over her sense of self. Instead of fighting for her point of view, she simply leaves the situation and seeks a new one. She abandons people and projects, striking out on her own way again and again, no matter what she loses in the process. She is also suicidal, I’ve figured out, except she no longer tries to commit suicide. She told me that she can’t follow through… that there’s a light of some kind inside of her that doesn’t want to go out. She’s thought of it dozens or hundreds of times. She’s even tried twice. I’m glad she never succeeded. She’s my angel. The angel of love.

She has love for the entirety of all living creatures merely because they are alive. She respects life so much that she prays over vegetables, sometimes kissing the parts she throws in the compost bin and apologizing to them. They gave their life in order for her life to continue. She tries to eat every single scrap to pay homage to that which lived to sustain her. She is deeply respectful of all life.

Until lately. Sansara wants humanity to die in a fire now. That’s her other half, her other personality. The second woman inside this angel. One is an angel of mercy and the other is full of destructive vitriol for all humankind. We’ve failed her, all of us. She nearly killed herself in 2020 because she was victim shamed by all the people who knew her personally after being raped over 500 times. Don’t worry, he’s white and wealthy so he got away with murder.

Never mind that in that same kind of situation, I was charged with manslaughter because Lynn took her life from one mistake on my part and sent to prison for a decade. They let me out on account of good behavior and being completely remorseful, mind you. I learned my lesson! Except, I didn’t.

Rape culture is so pervasive, it’s hard to get away from it until the entirety of it is explained to you.


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