I’m nuts and so is everyone else, I’ve decided. I’ve been hearing things inside my head, telling me what’s happening in situations where I have zero knowledge of the situation.
For instance, I don’t actually know if Anthony cheated on me. Not until we separated, anyway, and then he was only cheating because he thought I cared. I didn’t. I gave him time to grow up once I realized I had stunted him, but he loved using me as his crutch and so I diverged from the union. I waited until I didn’t care to tell him we were finished.
Now my parents are doing similar. They accuse me of stupid shit like poisoning them (while they’re overall getting better) and so on. They treat me like crap because they have an agenda and zero compassion for what I’m going through. I guess it’d help if I told them, but they could also ask me how I’m doing instead.
Like, I “love” my mom, okay? I don’t know why, because she’s a pedophile. I know she’s a pedophile because my brother told me he’s her victim. But I still have this unshakable little bit of love for her, somehow. So I give her coffee after I brew a pot. I give her food to eat. In my perspective, her husband (the narcissistic psychopath) taught her to do these things that have fucked our family up even more than just the narc alone.
I guess I dream of healing them so they’re real people again. They were once, weren’t they? Don’t we all start off as innocent babes? Am I wrong about that one assumption? Are there really bad seeds born to the human race, seeds of chaos that have zero feelings? I don’t think it’s possible to be born without feelings.
In fact, I’ll tell you right now, psychopaths do have feelings. Nobody has “no feelings.” They care about themselves. If they didn’t, they’d be dead. Instead, I’d like to tell you that psychopathy is the extreme end of narcissism. We are all on the scale of empath to narcissist, and we can move to and fro. We can become psychopaths.
Just ask the war machine.
I mean, do we get born with the coding to just kill each other nilly willy? Or do we subvert ourselves and try to get along by default? Subversion of self is dissociation, my friend. You are removing yourself from Self in order to coexist. You are splitting your conscience, you are fighting your instincts, you are hurting yourself.
The pain will build and build until you crack one day. And if you are taught violence, you’re probably going to be violent. If you’re taught pacifism, you’ll be pacifistic. You’ll just have a nervous breakdown, go to the loony bin, and then come back once you’ve got your head on straight. But the violent ones? They generally do things they’ll regret for eternity.
Eternity is a long time, my friends. Your soul is immortal. It doesn’t die when your body expires. What you do while you’re alive is important. The choices you make matter. YOU matter.
That’s right. You. You’re important. You’re the savior of mankind. I think we ought to start saying humankind, though. Men and women are of equal value in society, even if nobody wants to acknowledge that. (I know, most of us do.) You’re a sleeper agent, Mr. or Ms. Messiah. You have a message, I know you do. It’s an important message that we all need to stop and listen to.
I think I hear your message. I know you’re hidden amongst the human race because there are vile agents of chaos everywhere, trying to murder you just to see if you’ll come back to life or not. They’re idiots. Once we die, we’re dead. That’s it. Well, until we’re reborn, which comes much, much later. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?
The message is love.
I hear more hate than I hear love these days. I hear more coercion than true persuasion. I see more manipulation than open empathy. I see destruction. Shiva’s dance consists of stomping. He is ready to destroy the entire multiverse because of this shit. We’re doomed, in a word.
We have to stop the hate. But we have to know what hate is, first.
Any action you fail to take from a place of LOVE is HATE. For instance, being so mad at my mother I slipped her dairy because she treats me like a red-headed step child is HATE, but feeding her looks like LOVE. She doesn’t want to acknowledge she can’t handle dairy, so really she’d do it to herself. I just gave her the coffee she’d make for herself, knowing she’s been improving on plant-based creamer. I’ve told her she’s not doing well on dairy, so when she serves herself, it’s HATE.
SHE HATES HERSELF SO MUCH, SHE’D RATHER DIE OF POISON THAN LIVE.
It’s a moral dilemma, that’s for sure. Should I feel terrible for treating her the way she treats herself? Should I have a conscience telling me that I need to get her better? Or should I let the pedophile die? She raped my brother, y’all. And she got away with it.
Was she broken before the psychopath? Should I really be the bigger person and forgive? Especially when I happen to know she encouraged my father to rape me before I was even out of diapers? Especially since she looked the other way when I told her he was doing it, naively expecting change such as divorcing the bastard.
Was this man who donated the sperm that contributed to my life always a rapist? Was the woman who fostered me in her womb for nine months always a pedophile?
Were they innocent babes once? Babes who were mistreated until corrupted, perverted? Were they pushed to the far side of the scale, sliding away from empathy into narcissism because they had to dissociate from themselves? Is dissociation the only way to be okay with causing pain?
In case you’re not already familiar, here’s the definition of dissocation:
Dissociation is a disconnection between a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions or sense of who he or she is. This is a normal process that everyone has experienced.
Psychiatry.org
Long-term dissociation can cause psychological harm. The person who undergoes this pain, which is often caused by invalidation, might I add, may splinter their psyche and end up with a disorder. They use parts of themselves to compartmentalize and deal with stressors in a variety of ways, using broken coping mechanisms as a band-aid over the bullet hole of a wound that was caused by a narcissistic asshole in their life.
I have dissociated for my entire life. And now? Now I’m being told by an invisible force that I have multiple personality disorder. MPD for short. Except they renamed it, isn’t that grand? As if life isn’t confusing enough.
What is Dissociative Identity Disorder?
Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder) A mental health condition, people with dissociative identity disorder (DID) have two or more separate personalities. These identities control a person’s behavior at different times. DID can cause gaps in memory and other problems.
Cleveland Clinic
What causes a person to have a split personality?
Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is thought to be a complex psychological condition that is likely caused by many factors, including severe trauma during early childhood (usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, or emotional abuse).
WebMD
I guess that explains why I can sleep in a room very close by to two nasty villains in my life without nightmares. I used to have nightmares. All the time. Of being raped and liking it. Of course, the other explanation is that I have nowhere to go.
D.I.D. explains why I can’t remember a lot of things. The latest version of me doesn’t want to remember anything at all. We are a soloship forced into labor for two pedophiles because we are too sick to work. We are Cinderella. One of me wants to destroy them utterly and summarily. I’m trying to keep her from doing so, but she demands we move out. We can’t move out because we have three cats, which is one cat too many for every apartment complex in the States. Even though they’re support animals and aren’t supposed to count.
Thanks, America, for poisoning me to near death and forcing me to return “home.”
Angel-Sansara 