Crystal was in a mood so black and foul, she thought she should probably decline Diego’s invitation. Maybe if she told him she wasn’t feeling mentally well, he’d be up to rescheduling the dinner.
She picked up her phone and started to write a text to him, but Sansara stopped her. “Crystal, don’t cancel this one,” she said out loud with Crystal’s mouth.
She went to her mirror to look herself in the eye. “Why not, Sansara? I don’t want to deal with life today. I’m completely depressed. I’m no fun. Why on Earth would anyone want to see me in this condition? It’s terrible and I want to just die. In fact, I wish I had. Or that I’d never been born. I was an accident, anyway.”
Crystal watched Sansara cry through her eyes, her counterpart feeling remorse without explanation. “Crystal, if he’s really the man for you, he had to see you during all your different moods and mental health states. Just make him drive so you don’t have to. And take your vitamins in case it’s a vitamin B deficiency, you know that happens sometimes. It’ll at least give you energy to continue being miserable if that’s where you’re going to stay.”
Crystal and Sansara took all their vitamins, hoping to reverse the tides of misery, but it was of no consequence. “Should we warn him we’re not in a good mood?” Crystal asked her BFF, the only friend she’d ever need: her other self. Sansara nodded in response and took her to her phone.
“Diego… I just want you to know I’m in the shittiest mood tonight. I’ll need you to drive us wherever it is we’re going for dinner.” She hit send.
Diego was relieved to read that text message, actually. Now he knew what to expect. He tried to think back through the past several months, wondering if he’d ever encountered her in a shitty mood or not. He wondered if that’s when he got massive amounts of cold shoulder from the woman. It seemed likely… If that was what she was like when she was upset, angry, or whatever it was… he could definitely handle that, he thought. As long as they eventually addressed the topic getting to her.
“Is there anything I can do to brighten your day?”
Sansara and Crystal stared at that response. “Is he real?” Crystal asked herself. “What is this nonsense? Nobody gives a shit about my day. They never have, they never will. I was taught this a long, long time ago. Nobody wants to hear about anyone’s problems but their own.” She thought back to Camila, who is the entire reason for that bad mood settling in on her.
“Sansara, we have to heal me or that bitch, it’s the only way to escape her psychic clutches, I fear. She’s turning me into a jerk just by being in my sphere for too long. And this is why I hate going out.” The last part of that was to remind herself how much she hated people. They never put their best foot forward except in a job interview. They never cared about impressing anyone else, just sucking on the teat of misery endlessly and bringing other people down.
Diego wasn’t like that so far, Sansara pointed out. She went over the past three months of interactions with Crystal, trying to jog her memory. It was important for Crystal to think about positive things more than negative things. If she couldn’t manage positivity, she strove for neutrality as a compromise until she could be positive again.
Crystal sighed deeply. “All men are the same, Sansara, are they not? Dogs that need a fucking leash. I’m really not interested in more of the Ben show with a new name.”
Sansara was sad. She was the one who convinced Crystal that all men are dogs, but in truth, it was all humans. Every human being, aside from the engineered version of Crystal, looked at each other like slabs of meat. They justified their behavior. “Every guy does it!”, “Every girl does it!” Fuck them all. Her body was hers, not eye candy for others to drool over. However, by not playing the advertisement game, nobody looked at her like she was worthwhile, either.
Ah, the vanity of humanity. It runs rampant, even in most people who think they’re not vain. They are, they just don’t know it. They’re programmed that way. They’re taken from the innocence of the womb and taught to view dicks, asses, and chests as sexual body parts. It’s reinforced everywhere, from every advert selling you anything from shampoo to Medicare, to every magazine, to every photograph. Even the ones taken by everyday Joes. By the time kids exit high school, they’re taught to see the opposite sex as a means for sexual gratification. Pornography reinforces it like nothing else, which is the real mental health danger of the *ahem* “art form.”
Especially gamer boys, she thought. It all started with Lara Croft in Tomb Raider having oversized jugs, encouraging men to fantasize about those flopping around in their faces. Encouraging men to rape a game sprite. It just got worse from there. That was one reason Crystal liked Valheim, actually. Nothing showed off gratuitous fleshy bits to fap over. There were chest lumps on ladies and that was about it. That would probably change some day, she thought. Then she’d hate the game and delete it.
It was wrong to fantasize about people who existed. It was wrong to fantasize about characters made up by other people, too, if you asked her. [Stop fantasizing about me and my Diego, you jackass! I’ll do that myself.]
A man told her once that women who dress to impress were advertising their bodies to be raped. What a sack of shit that lie was. Flaming bag of dog poo, actually. No one wants to be raped. Let me rape you. BEND OVER! Oh, wait, you changed your mind? TOO BAD. You dressed in shorts today that showed off your ass just perfectly, bro. Bend over and accept the consequences of your actions. Your tight, tight shirt and your perfectly form fitting shorts made me lose all sense of sanity. They made me forget how to be a human being. Now let me shove this dildo up your ass like a good little boy.
“Oh, it’s too much now, Sansara,” Crystal cried, indignant in her monologue to the invisible audience. “They think it’s fun and games until the tables are turned. Now I’m the heathen, now I’m the asshole! Forget that they all want nice big floppy boobs in their face or their penis buried in a woman with her backside to him so he can fantasize about it being anyone but the woman he’s with. Forget that they scream, SHE ASKED FOR IT! LOOK AT HOW SHE’S DRESSED! It’s too real! IT’S TOO CLOSE TO HOME!” She found herself shouting.
Diego walked in just as he heard the muffled shouting from Crystal’s monologue. She was angrily responding to Ben’s mistreatment of her. The man had promised her marriage and revoked it about eighty times before she lost her damn mind completely, realizing everything he ever made her believe in was a fucking lie.
And now it was threatening to happen again. The same game she’d played with every fucking imbecile she’d dated. He was going to feint with the marriage talk, back off until she was miserable and not giving him time of day, and feint again.
Sansara pointed out that he hadn’t done anything to indicate he was a dog like the rest of them. Sansara had picked him out to begin with, actually, but she didn’t want to remind Crystal in that moment. It could still go south with very little effort.
Diego found himself sprinting up the stairs, bursting into Crystal’s room while she was in the middle of changing clothes, asking her if everything was alright as the door flew open. He’d never heard her have an outburst, not once, since he moved in. And what he’d heard was, “It’s too close to home!” He wasn’t sure if it was good or bad, but it made him think she was under duress and in need of assistance.
His mouth dropped as he saw a very naked Crystal standing there, holding a dress in her hands. She looked alarmed and covered herself with the gown by holding it out in front of her. She turned, so he couldn’t see her from the side and the dress would make her modest again. Diego turned beet red and Sansara just observed, glowing happily. She knew this was going to happen. She knew the future.
The future was that these two kids would get hitched and live happily ever after. They spoke all the same love languages with the same nuances. They enjoyed all the same kinds of stuff, with some room for growth for both. She made him feel like a real man and he made her feel like a real woman. Once they got past the sticky courtship bullshit, they were a match made in heaven. That’s if you asked Sansara. There was still an 8% chance it went to pot.
“Er…” That’s all she could say as Diego closed in on her like a lion hunting a gazelle, pulling her into his arms and planting a kiss on her lips. He forced himself to be gentle, though he wanted to be fierce. His hands moved to her ass to fondle her fondly. She moaned softly and pushed herself up against Diego, one arm sliding around his neck while the other continued to hold her garment in between them.
Diego broke the kiss after it played out for what seemed like one incredibly long moment and looked into Crystal’s eyes. “Marry me,” he breathed at her, his desire naked in his tone.
Crystal looked up at him, her breathing uneven just from the kiss. He’d brought her passion to the surface. She drawled, “I’ll think about it. I think I need some more convincing, baby.”
Diego’s mouth found hers again. He felt like she was electricity within his embrace. Every cell in his body was at attention. His hands skimmed over the smooth skin of her back gently, then back down her behind to squeeze one cheek in each hand. She moaned and then she pulled the dress out from between them. Diego tugged gently on her behind, bringing her closer, and she decided to jump into his arms just then.
Finally, Diego thought. Finally, we can be as one! He held her to him and walked her to her own bed, which was neatly made. It was covered in cats, but they were on top of the pillows and bunched together on one side of the bed. He set her down gently and kissed all over her face. “Sansara… Crystal… I love you so much. I’ve been wanting to make love to you for months.”
Because if he’d said anything else, he’d be raping her, you asshole. Using force to copulate is rape.
Crystal looked up at him as he looked down at her, trying to assess her mental state. She’d said she was in a terrible mood. Right in this moment, she looked delectable and inviting. He decided he’d better be sure, so he asked her, “Are you alright? Is it okay if we… you know… consummate that marriage proposal a little early?”
He could see she was thinking, so he just nuzzled her neck with his face and waited. It would be such a shame to stop now, but he knew if she wasn’t in the mood, there was no point in forcing it. He wanted her to be happy more than he needed to jerk himself off.
“Diego,” Crystal breathed. “I’d like to postpone this part. I want to be married. If you don’t marry me first, you never will. I’ve learned my fucking lesson.”
Nope. Now was not going to be the time. Swearing told him she was getting upset. He replied immediately, “Okay, ma cherie. You’re calling all the shots. Do you mind if I sniff your neck just a little longer? You smell good. I’ll um… want to remember for later,” he put emphasis on that, so she’d know that he was damn well going to fantasize about this going somewhere.
He paused, waiting for the response, letting her know she was truly in control of the situation. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, that would just damage their relationship and cause unnecessary friction. Hurting her would be an act of hatred, not lovingkindness.
She petted the back of his head softly, slowly. “Okay, but close your eyes or I’ll poke them out before you can say Smurfette.”
Diego chuckled mirthfully, closing his eyes and sniffing at her neck. She smelled like lilacs and a faint trace of what could be vinegar, something pungent he couldn’t quite put his fingers on. Cleaning product, he assumed. “What is this lovely smell?” he asked her, his mouth brushing across the skin of her neck again. She trembled in his arms when he did that, making it obvious to him that her nipples were erect. He groaned softly as his own body reacted to hers.
It was taking a massive amount of self-control to keep himself in check. They both seemed to be trying to say no mentally while their bodies screamed YES!!!!! He wondered why she’d declined, but he knew it was the lady’s choice.
“Bar soap,” she said. “From your store, actually… one of the hoity toity kind that’s artisanal and handmade.” He nodded, sniffing her deeply again. This time, her body relaxed underneath him. He gulped as he felt the strain from the restrictive pants he was wearing. His erection begged to be free. It begged to go home.
“I should stop,” he said softly, pressing against her lightly to ask for permission one more time, non-verbally.
She caught his eye and smiled at him. “Waiting will just make it that much better,” she told him. “And, your eyes are open. Close them and get up, you lech,” she told him. She pushed at his chest, noting the contours beneath her hands as she tried to remind him that she said no. “It’s not that I don’t want to… God knows that I do. More than I’ll ever try to put into words, Diego.”
He bit his lip as he got up, his eyes closed. He was fighting the urge to peek. “Do you think if I let you look, you can… uh… refrain from fantasizing more later? About the part we didn’t do yet?”
He shook his head and turned around in an about-face so he could open his eyes. To his surprise, he found her arms around his midsection. She wasn’t pressed up against his back, but her body was touching his, as is the nature of hugging.
“I’ll give you plenty to fantasize about after we’re married, silly man,” she told him. “Take what really has happened and make that your fantasy. If you follow those rules, you’ll never be disappointed, you know.”
Diego just realized there was a mirror on the wall, the full length time, and she was peeking at him from behind him, hiding her body behind his. He shook his head, looking her in the eyes, trying to figure out what was going on in her head. There must be something huge he was missing, something she hadn’t told him yet.
“Minx… since we’re on the topic… well… can I run a fantasy by you? One that I won’t mind if it never comes true, but it doesn’t involve penetration?” He looked at her hopefully.
“I shouldn’t say yes, but what is it you’re thinking of?” She was looking at him curiously. And he was hoping she’d step out from behind him and show off her figure again.
“Well…” he turned around, keeping his eyes on hers. He put his arms around her to hold her. “Well, I thought maybe if you didn’t mind…” His eyes closed briefly. What was he doing? The lady said no, dammit, he told himself. Why was he pushing the line? He was definitely playing with boundaries and he knew it. So he switched gears and told her just that. “You know what? I think it’s inappropriate for me to ask you. You’ve clearly said no. I should respect your boundaries.” He opened his eyes to find her smiling at him.
It was that look from the bar again. It dawned on him that she was openly admiring him just then. Now he knew he couldn’t ask her what he wanted to ask her. She was admiring his self-restraint. It was beyond obvious.
“Yeah, that decides it. May I kiss the future bride one more time before I get the hell out of her chambers to give her back her privacy?” he asked her. That look on her face was making him melt. Any ice in his heart from his previous relationships was doomed. She was imprinted there, too, he thought. He kept gazing at her, even after she said yes. He didn’t want her to stop looking at him like that, not ever.
“Diego?” she asked softly, as he kept staring at her. The look of admiration became a little less intense as she began to question if he was going to follow through and he kissed her again. It felt like electricity hummed through him again.
He forced himself to stop just then, after the kiss played out and they came up for air. “I’ll be outside your door and ready to take you to dinner, my lady.” And then he left, closing her door behind him. He didn’t even try to sneak another glance at her body.
She stared. “Sansara,” she said. She paused, a signature move that might result in nothing else following it. It was fifty fifty. “What did I just do? Why did he look at me like that?”
“Which look?” Sansara asked wryly. She wanted to smack Diego in that moment. She knew the asshole was going to fap later even though he was just told no. Maybe she could prevent that with some catty remarks. Actually, nix that… she just saw the future play out. This was going to require some popcorn.
“The one right before he left. What did it mean? I’m no good at figuring out what that look means. Ben looked at me like that once and it meant nothing, it turned out. Is it really meaningless or is Ben just broken?”
“It’s meaningless,” Sansara told her. “Treat men as if they need to be leash trained. He’s not trained yet, you’ll see. But he’s mostly good, mkay?”
Crystal looked perplexed. “Okay. I think I’m going to wear something unappealing tonight. I just have this feeling if I don’t, he’ll be doing exactly what I asked him not to do because he can’t help himself.”
Crystal put on extremely loud palazzo pants and a long-sleeved blouse. She also made sure to wear a bra. She didn’t like it when her nipples were visible through her shirt, which was almost always. She’d given up bras due to having back problems, which they exacerbated greatly. Anything tight did, actually, even jeans that were too tight. The blouse was black and several layers of fluttery fabric that hid pretty much everything and the pants were black with hot pink paisley patterns. She found a pair of pink and black earrings to put in her ears.
“Makeup?” she asked Sansara. Her counterpart agreed, suggesting a metallic green eye shadow that made her eyes stand out. In fact, Crystal just made up her eyes, leaving the rest au naturelle. She picked up her purse and slid on some flats. She gave her cats a few pets each, not to mention a few treats each, and then walked out of her room.
Diego was relieved that Crystal was fully covered, considering he felt like it would be too easy to lose control. He was completely distracted by the pattern on her pants. It was… gaudy. Well, almost gaudy. It was kitsch. She had a knack for that… going almost too far, but reeling it in at the last second to make it cutting edge fashionable. It was like she walked the line between freak show and finesse. Like an Abbey Sciuto or a Penelope Garcia.
He offered his arm to her, holding her hand after she took it, and led her downstairs, being careful to match her pace. He was kind of excited she decided to wait to have sex, actually. It made it seem more… important. More important than a bodily need. Almost like it would be a spiritual experience. In fact, considering her reiki, it was likely to be exactly that. Or at least, considering how excited she made him feel.
He wondered why she’d said she learned her lesson about pre-marital sex. She’d indicated they’d never get married if she put out. “If you don’t marry me first, you never will. I’ve learned my fucking lesson.“ What did her ex do to her? He could cry. She was hurting and that said it all. She didn’t think he’d want her after they had sex, he thought. That he’d just lead her on endlessly. What cruelty had she endured?
He was holding her hand in the car as he drove them to dinner in the Cruze. It was more fuel-efficient and The Corner Pub & Grill was pretty far away. It was kind of early still, about four thirty in the afternoon, so he hoped it wouldn’t be crowded. Boy, was he wrong.
Angel-Sansara 