I can’t think of a time where I found myself a loyal man, sadly. It’s my fault, I think, for pursuing them instead of forcing them to pursue me. But that is rape culture bullshit, and if you buy that, I’ll sell you another one.
A person can choose to commit. I don’t sleep with them until I thought they do. Now I’m never sleeping with anyone ever again. Except my cats, which I assure you has nothing to do with sexual gratification. (Ever wonder why there’s no bestial cat porn? It’s because they DON’T CONSENT! Jackass.)
If you are sleeping with someone you are not committed to, then you are a rapist. Pack your bags and get the fuck out. You are forcing dissociation on yourself and the other person. You aren’t just raping them. You rape yourself. You are devaluing yourself when you fuck a person that you have devalued. You are telling yourself that you have bad taste. That you aren’t worthy a mate who isn’t worthy of you. You are giving yourself all kinds of bad subtext while you simultaneously try to use it to elevate yourself. (Ever wonder why it never works for long? It’s because you know it’s a farce. A lie!)
How do you walk away from insulting your mate, thinking you are better? You chose them as a mate. YOU CHOSE THEM. You are telling yourself your choice is bad and putting them through the wringer. And you’re projecting. You disapprove of yourself and your own fucking motives. So just fucking leave them and go find a good therapist. (Might I recommend Dr. McFarland? She’s the best.) Stop telling other people they aren’t enough and start telling yourself that you are enough.
It’s you that doesn’t feel like enough, you know. They were doing just fine until you started putting them through your narcissistic bullshit (a.k.a. HELL) because you’ve got problems with yourself. Do you know what you get when you treat people with lovingkindness? They reciprocate, that’s what. They treat you like you are a worthy individual, that your thoughts, feelings, and emotions all matter. They treat you like your time has value, that your attention has value. That you have value.
Understand now that nobody is perfect. No being in existence is without flaw, no matter how good they seem to be. Everyone has bad days, everyone makes mistakes — both great and small, everyone does things they regret. You should know that cheaters cheat because they are insecure. They don’t think they are good enough for your love. They don’t think they are worthy of happiness. They don’t think about you, the other person in the equation, it’s just about them. (Narcissism.) Self-centered and egotistical, not to mention “fat and sassy.”
Forgiving a cheater doesn’t fix them, though. Talking to them to try to tell them their self-worth is in need of CPR is useless. Nothing works, other than hard and clear boundaries. You can treat them like a fucking dog, since they acted like one, or you can leave. Or, there’s a third option, Crystal pipes up suddenly: teach them self-love. She’d recommend you be celibate for six months or more after cheating is discovered, though… HIV only shows up six months after contact. Make them sit in the doghouse for six months every time they cheat and see how quickly that shit stops.
If you have poor self-control, send them home to mommy and daddy. Kick them out. If you need a counselor, that’s okay. Life’s hard, we all need help. If you are a counselor or familiar with psychology and want to go it alone, just know that it’s harder than you’d like. It takes a lot of repetition. It takes a lot of positive reinforcement.
You have to make lists of traits that describe you positively. You have to make lists of things you’re good at. You have to make lists of things in the relationship that have gone right. You have to learn how to brag about yourself realistically until you internalize it.
I had the hardest time figuring out what to praise myself for in my youth. So, I started taking nice things people said to me and repeating them to myself. I didn’t involve a mirror, though you can. It might go faster, if you do. You have to learn how to forgive yourself for making mistakes, most of all. You have to understand you are a limited being. And that’s fine because we’re made that way. If each of us knew everything, we might as well be a hive mind species and be done with individuality.
We could have been a hive mind species, you know. We’re all connected by The Great Spirit. (Great, now she’s a whack job with good advice. What next?)
Okay, so you don’t want to know The Truth(TM). I don’t care, stick your head in the sand. Bye now.
Angel-Sansara 