“Silence can make us uncomfortable because we’re so used to distracting ourselves from what we’re feeling—from difficult emotions like fear, resentment or anger,” says Stephanie Ludwig, PhD, MA, MDiv, Director of Spiritual Wellness at Canyon Ranch Tucson. “When we’re truly and intentionally silent, we have to face whatever is inside of us.” Instead, we keep moving and making plans and doing things for others. “We live in such a ‘doer’ culture—go, go, go, do, do, do,” Ludwig notes. “If we really knew the blessings that come from being in silence, we would definitely make more time for it.”Source: Canyon Ranch
In order to go silent on the inside, we must first quiet ourselves on the outside. I began life as an extrovert, often being mistaken as somewhat vapid or shallow because of extreme naivete, because my mouth would often be ahead of my brain. Again, I consider whether or not I have a learning disability. I became physically silent over time with my narcissistic father cutting off everything I tried to say to talk about weather or aliens. I became convinced that what I had to say was worthless, so I just kept it in. A little too well, really. I learned to pick and choose my words with extreme care, knowing every single word has an implied amount of emotion in it. Every word has power.
One day, I was sitting with the narcissist, waiting for his wife to emerge from the work place. Technically, she’s my mother but since neither of them did much to parent me, I hesitate to call them normal words indicating they are parents. He sat there and told me about the art of going silent in one’s mind. I don’t think he himself can actually do it; he was practicing it in that moment, though, so he told me to practice it, too. I tried and for a few moments, I achieved it. Once I realized my brain had gone still, I kind of startled myself. I didn’t realize I’d be able to do it after just a few minutes of trying. The Great Spirit tells me this is much harder for most people and I believe it.
The narcissist smirked at me, essentially. He made note that I lost it after I achieved it, distracting he himself from the art of going silent. People are so hypocritical, you know? He had to disrupt his own attempt at self-discipline to critique me and highlight my failure, when he himself failed to achieve it at all. I think he must have been jealous. He’d practiced going silent so many times his whole life and I achieved it inside of half an hour.
He’s dangerous, this narcissist. He only taught me half of the tribe’s practices. He taught me enough to be a danger to everyone around me and myself and he knew it. He did it on purpose to try to teach his upstart brats a lesson. He withheld critical information, leaving me to strike out alone in the spirit world. He tried to control me with lies, telling me that there are entities out there like Shakti that would swallow souls or spirits whole so that I would be Earthbound. Bound to him. He wanted me bound to him in all ways: spiritual, emotional, bodily, intellectually. And when I say bodily, I do mean sexually, which is more than disgusting to anyone properly adjusted to this human experience. He tried so hard to find himself a witch for each cardinal direction. He thought he would become a god with four wives, one for each part of the spirit wheel.
He would stand around in the dining room, punching the air at random, claiming he was fighting assailants in the spirit world. I believe he was exercising his PTSD, but it’s possible both things are true. He was a warrior and only a warrior. He never healed anything, let alone himself. He never took his own lessons or his own advice. He reacted to the world around him, stuck inside his emotions and his loins. He’d been pushed into his body and could not leave to be spiritual anymore. The military did this to him. They tore him out of the spiritual realm and stuffed him into his body and never put him back together after they were done using and abusing him as a tool of war. This is not unusual or unique; this has been happening to millions of warriors for millennia.
That’s not to say that the Native Americans I come from (somehow, somewhere) were that much better, but at least they understood spiritual affliction occurred as a result of killing each other and took steps to correct that. They knew how to make a soul virgin again, to undo the traumas inflicted when someone became sick from too much death and destruction. At least, that’s what the Great Spirit tells me today.
Some days, he — the Great Spirit — is a trickster. Some days, she is a nurturer. S/he is malleable and changeable and ever-moving, as we should be, so we can deal with what happens in our daily lives. We should strive to emulate the Great Spirit the best we can. I say that when hardly anyone speaks to them nowadays. Well, I do. Let me tell you what they have to say:
You are poison. Humanity is a scourge to the rest of this planet. You have killed too many creatures without honor. You have failed to sacrifice for the greater good. Self-sacrifice. I need no animals, no blood, no plants left on an altar. I need no sage, no incense. Nothing, actually. Everything is a part of me and I am a part of everything. I am God. You have failed to give to the rest of life all around you, human. You have failed to coexist with the coyotes, the crows, the ravens, the ants, the rest of the animals. You have failed to take only what you need. Instead, humans take what they want, and then they throw it away when it fails to make them happier than they were before they purchased it. Greed is the problem, greed is the affliction. Is it not enough to be fed and comfortable? Is it not enough to be clothed, housed, and entertained? This one thinks it is enough. Practice stopping at enough. Failure to do so is resulting in mass destruction of your home. It’s already at critical mass, all that needs to happen is a spark and humanity is no more. I am tired of your endless greed. I am tired of your endless clamoring for more, more, more. I need more, you say in your minds, in your hearts, in your souls. Question this heavily. Do you need more? Or do you need more spiritual substance to quiet that upside down mind? Can you find your quiet mind? Can you try to reduce, reuse, and recycle? Can you try to be one with nature, with the beings that strive alongside you, with this planet? Will you? I wager you will not. You will not heed Sansara’s warnings at all. I wager a good number of you will try to spirit walk to her and rape her soul even though I’ve warned you against it. I am here, waiting to defend her. I will make you virgin again for any unwanted attempts to seek her in the metaphysical realm of your imagination. Sure, she’s just crazy. Tell yourself that if it’ll make you feel better at night while you stroke it. Those of you that view her in the real will not know what hit you. Only one man is invited into her world. The Mountain Dragon Man. There is only one Mountain Dragon Man and he does not yet know he is the MDM. You might be that man yourself, but you will not be able to know without trying to spirit walk yourself. Stay away from my daughter, I warn you now. I know you will not heed it, especially those who are only half-trained in the spirit world. She used to be half-trained but I’m finishing her training as of now. I want her to be able to protect herself since the rest of you have no sense. Rapists, the lot of you, forcing one’s self onto the woman in one’s imagination. I’m sick of you lot, taking without seeking permission. You have been doing it to the Earth Mother this whole time and I will now take it back from you. I will balance the scales and then we will see what happens. I don’t think you will like the results but I already know you will not be able to help yourselves. This isn’t real… until it is. She’s not real. She’s not actually a shaman, no way, no how. That is what you all will think, I know this already. Too bad you’re wrong.